Part-time Bedsharing with Toddler Help!

[L'sMama]

We have been bedsharing for nearly 2.5 years and both me and my husband love it. Not only is my Dh supportive of us having a welcoming family bed, but I have so enjoyed this time of bonding with my DD. When she was first born it was the best solution for all of us in getting a good nights' sleep.

Having said all of that, I am now finding that I would love some time with my Dh and would love some private room for me to sleep in. I have found as my DD has gotten older I am just having trouble sleeping with her in bed with us. She moves and wakes frequently. I want to go to part-time bedsharing, as this is how I was raised and I still want to provide my DD with that same welcoming feeling I had growing up. With the way things are now, my Dh and I have no life together in the evenings- none- and he works away from home a lot and it makes me sad that we can't spend some quiet time together. We both really want to be able to watch a movie, talk, have a glass of wine or whatever. I am finding that bedsharing has become much more of a responsibility than I thought it would be and I'm afraid I've set some precedence that might not be the best for all of us.

Right now, we are trying to help my DD sleep in her own room for the first few hours of the night. She has a mattress on the floor so we can lie with her if needed. The trouble is she wakes up constantly! She still uses a binky, for sleep only, so often she wakes for that or her lovey (things I would help her with while bedsharing). Ack!!! I feel like I've instilled some things that might not be all that helpful to my DD.

She will wake at least 10 times in the course of an evening and this means we can never watch a movie or even complete a convo. I'm feeling sad about this. When she wakes, one of us gently puts her back to sleep, tucks her in, but she will wake for her binky, lovey and wakes due to simple anxiety because she can't feel our presence. I've tried putting her mattress in our room, but this does little as the same issue of our physical absense is there. I'm not saying I want to stop bedsharing but...I want some kind of space for me and my Dh. I don't really know what to do. Has anyone been through this? Do the constant wake ups get better? What can I do?!!!!

Any other Ex full-time extended bedsharers out there with some advice?

[K1329]

In the same boat... couldn't get dd out in a low stress manner until she was 5. I'm ready to get ds out of our bed and into his room - he's 3. But, don't want it to be a stressful thing. I will definitely be checking back for tips!

[CozMama]

Would waking in your bed alone be less traumatic to her than in her own strange room? Sure you would have waking to still contend with but working toward getting her to sleep then sneak out she should sleep a bit longer in a bed she is already familiar with. Once she is doing that longer and longer then I'd try moving her to her own bed in your room and do the same thing. Once she is comfortable in her bed then move her to her own room.

That is a lot of change all at once causing many more wakings. Remove one element at a time as they are ready is usually the best way to go.

[L'sMama]

That is an idea, keeping her in our bed. I think the scents and such are a comfort to her and are familiar to her. Having said that, we haven't just moved her to her room abruptly by any means. She takes all of her naps in her room on her mattress and has done so for months and months and she does fine with that. Not to mention, we always read stories and lie down with her in her own room on her mattress every night before bed (of course, we've only been at this new concept for about a week). We've been really careful about this and I am the first to say 'slow down' when it comes to change; however, I'm probably expecting too much too soon at this stage. You do have a point in that our room in and of itself might be easier for her to sleep in as in less wake ups and is probably the slow down we might need. The trouble is our 'new' bed is by no means safe at this stage so we'd have to make some adjustments there. Hmmm...I'll have to think on that suggestion...thanks for the reply!

I have tried putting her mattress in our room, but again there are wakeups as she still has a need for the familiar...our bodies next to her all night...not a bad thing at all...just trying to strike a balance...so maybe your plan will be a help to get us where we need to be...our bed, her bed in our room and then her room. I do get discouraged sometimes because I do feel as if we've been slow at this already and it sometimes feels like this will be forever. The thought of waiting until 5 for her to make the call to part-time scares me- my relationship couldn't survive- well it would- but wow would be a long haul for us.

[CozMama]

Naps in the daytime in her bed maybe a different animal altogether. Waking up in the dark somewhere different than what is familiar to night may be a contributor to wake ups.

My daughter 19 months had a sleeping problem we had to work through getting her into her crib in our room and just sleeping in general not ON someone. Our son is 14 months and I nurse him so I had to stop holding her all the time. We bed share with him and he is HORRIBlLE about sleeping on his own for any length of time. I just keep at it with nursing him down at night in our bed and scooting out and rescuing him if he wakes. Hold him or dance him to sleep again and try putting him down again. It has only been in the last month or so that I am getting maybe an hour baby free at night before being forced into bed. It is a very slow process but an ongoing one.

Next set of steps for us is to get DD in their own room in her crib, then I can start to night wean (hopefully, if not work on getting DS to start to self settle). Then we can get her accustomed to her own bed and work on getting him side-cared in the crib, then across the room in the crib/toddler bed, then into their room. I say I have at minimum another year to get that far.

Little steps for us as neither one of them are totally hip on change.

[L'sMama]

Little steps for us too I suppose; my DD isn't too hip on change either it seems. As far as lighting, turning it off might help us. We have a fairly bright night light so she's far from sleeping in the dark, but she is alone. I wish she could understand that we are there for her even though we're not right with her. I have a monitor set up and as soon as I hear her stirring I peek in on her and any sort of call out or whimper I'm there asap and always tell her mommy is here it's okay. She really isn't used to being alone and I suppose doesn't understand that we are there even if not 'right' there. We will come to her if she needs us and she can come to us. Perhaps that concept is still quite new to her and she needs to understand it to be okay with it. Sticking with the familiar may definitely help to slowly move things along. I have to admit, like your LO's, my DD was never a sleeper. Her sleep cycles seem to never slow down and she wakes easily when in her light cycle--which seems to be on all the time. In that sense, she may always be a waker. I was a light sleeper and it did take me a while to understand how to get back to sleep and to realize Mom and Dad were there for me even when not right in bed with me. I'd say I felt completely okay with that by 5, but I was still welcome in the family bed and would slip in right up until 8. We're okay with that should this be something my DD wants to do. But...If we could get a couple of hours + per night to decompress that would be really nice.

[MissMommyNiceNice]

We didn't fully transition to almost the whole night in his own bed until we got an actual bed. Not just a mattress on the floor. I made a big deal about going to get it, we told everyone all about it. I let him pick out bedding & stuff. Now there are several nights a week he sleeps there all night long. Sometimes he comes in mid-night, and there are still times that he just sleeps in our bed from the start.

We use the Sleep solution method of:
1. Read the alloted number of books
2. kisses & tuck in
3. turn out the light, lay still
4. I sit with him in the dark for a while
5. invent some boring task that I must attend to (put diapers in the dryer, unload the dishwasher, change the baby's diaper)
6. Tell him I'll be back in a few minutes
7. Some nights I go back & check in 10-15 minutes, some nights I don't have to because he's so sleepy
8. Kiss him, tell him I love him, think sleepy thoughts, I'll come back in a little while to check on you
9. enjoy time with husband

Make sure your task is boring enough. We've had good results. Well, I've had good results. DH still falls asleep more often than not! But he still lays down with DS to read stories. I've managed to get myself into the chair.

[MissMommyNiceNice]

Oh, and you may want to try a waldorf heavy doll. It can really make a big difference, b/c it is like sleeping with another little person. And it's scented with lavender, so it makes them sleepy to hold/hug it.

[L'sMama]

Thanks for the tips!

Where can I find this Waldorf Heavy Doll?

Is the name connected to Waldorf School?

[galincognito]

i was going to suggest something large, ie. a body pillow to sleep with. you can tuck it up right against her and maybe that may help her feel less "alone" in the bed.

[marispel]

good suggestions so far - I would 2nd the routine and I just want to mention consistency. If one day she is in your bed, the next time on the floor or in her room - it's too confusing. Set up a new routine & stick with it. I saw something on Supernanny where she said that nighttime wake ups should be very boring. No talking or at least just one or two words and that is it. If she is asking for the paci, get it & be done with but don't talk. If she gets out of her bed, take her back to her bed...if she gets out, back to bed, again and again and again...do the same thing. She'll get the hang of it.

[MissMommyNiceNice]

Here's two:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php...page=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php...page=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

If you're crafty at all, you can make your own too.