moms of 3+?

[sanguine_speed]

I'm just about to have a fourth baby and am SAH with my kids. My oldest is in school 8:00-2:30, my second goes from 12:00-2:30 and my third stays home most days (sometimes he goes to daycare, but he won't be for very long).
The school schedule sucks because we spend our day running back and forth, and it's too far to walk or bike so it's car trips in and out all day.

But anyway, that's not why I write.

This summer, they'll all be home with me, like they are now (except the baby isn't here yet!) because it's March Break.

What I'm wondering is how you prioritize people's crises.

It is inevitable that the oldest and second have an argument and potentially hurt each other at the same time the toddler falls down at the same time I can't leave the lunch that I am cooking at the stove...or the doorbell rings and it's a delivery that I have to receive (i.e. a food coop order) or the phone rings and it's the school calling and it's usually my daughter when that happens, and she's sick...

Anyway, how do you deal at times like these? I'm having a hard time now and I can't imagine how I'll manage with a newborn in the mix, especially because I have breastfeeding difficulties that result in a nurse/pump circus all day every day for months (please, no nursing advice. I'm well-educated and well-supported and have physiological limitations that result in low milk supply).

Just how do you manage when everyone needs something at once? Is it literally a triage? i.e. hurt people first, screaming people second, food/clothing/wants last?

[ShwarmaQueen]

I've just got 2 kids (and a hubby) and I'm having a rough time.

I hope you find your groove.

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

Is it literally a triage? i.e. hurt people first, screaming people second, food/clothing/wants last?

sort of, yes. Though I also figure in age/maturity, and if someone is on my way to someone else, I will typically grab them as I run by. Like if my 5yo runs over the baby's foot on the wheely bug and that causes him to fly face first into the floor (hypothetically, of course ) I would grab the baby first because she's younger and wouldn't understand why I ran past her when she's hurt and also because she's on the way. But really, it's not that hectic very often. I don't know how old your older two are, but mine have finally gotten to the point where they can (generally) settle an argument without hurting each other or requiring my assistance, that helps a lot. I guess I'm fairly laid back though, because unless I really think someone is going to get hurt I don't tend to interfere. Sometimes they yell and say they want to hit each other but it's rare that they do.

Just don't think about it so much. It's much easier to actually do it than to figure out how you will.

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

Just how do you manage when everyone needs something at once? Is it literally a triage? i.e. hurt people first, screaming people second, food/clothing/wants last?

Pretty much. That's the short answer. I think the best thing I can say is that your mommy guy will kick in and you will just know who to tend to first. Usually if it's *one of those days* while the most important at the moment is being tended by me, I can usually give instructions to someone else about the next crisis on the list.

Trust yourself. You can handle this. It will take awhile to get into a groove after a new baby (it always is, right?!), but you'll find your way.

ETA: My kids are pretty good at knowing that Mom can only handle 8,000 things/requests/emergencies at a time, and they might need to wait a minute, or ask a sibling to help instead.

[carmel23]

Managing all the relationships can be kind of wild.

But for us, we try to take care of the baby first-- and this is a team effort. If he is fussing while I'm cooking I'll ask for bigger kids to go dance or sing to him, and this will distract him for a bit.

Also, keeping the big kids busy and happy reduces the conflict between them... which I know some days it seems like they got out of bed to bug each other, but really managing their space/time keeps them from picking on each other.

[sanguine_speed]

Hm, on reflection I think my difficulty rests in the temperaments of my kids. As DP and I have discussed recently however, other things will just have to wait when the baby comes. I just cannot do more than a person can do at one time. Emergencies get as much attention as possible and everything else will have to wait, and I'll just have to get through the screaming fits, the sibling fighting, the need for this or for that...no one will die and perhaps they'll be better for learning to be part of a bigger family.

[becoming]

Hmm... that's a tough question, and one I really don't know the answer to. I think you just decide in the moment who requires the most emergent attention & go to that kid. Honestly, unless you're just constantly ignoring one of them in favor of the other ones, I don't think anyone will be harmed by being overlooked every once in a while. Having a bunch of siblings, it's kind of inevitable that a child will feel overlooked at times. As moms, we of course don't want our kids to feel unimportant to us, but waiting while you tend to another child teaches them a valuable life lesson -- that sometimes other people's needs come before their own.

You'll do fine. Sometimes. Other times you'll probably go to a corner & cry. But you'll get through it

[prairiebird]

I have six now and for me, it's a case-by-case basis on what 'crisis' to handle at what time. Sometimes, I'd let the toddler cry for a moment for a small ouchie if I can take care of an older child's need really quickly.

I'm an exclusive pumper and have found that it makes a good time for story time for smaller kids, though I had to do some rearranging to stop my toddler from unplugging the pump. But I've had to make sure to keep newer books on hand for that from the library.

You really do just sort of fall into it and come out figuring something out for yourself. It's really hard to picture beforehand, but I really think you'll find a good balance after the first few weeks!

[Llyra]

I have only three, and even with only three I can say that yeah, I understand entirely.

I think it really is a triage kinda thing. Although we have a rule in our house that when DD2 cries, she goes first, no matter what, as long as nobody's sick or in danger. That's because DD2 (she's 3) is so quiet and self-sufficient that she often gets overlooked. She doesn't cry unless there's something really WRONG, so when she cries, I go to her immediately if I possibly can.

I put safety and medical issues first, obviously. So the toddler about to fall downstairs would definitely go ahead of the preschooler and older child arguing. I put elimination needs next-- I have two partially potty-trained and one with chronic intestinal issues, so we have a lot of that. Food/drink go next, I would say. Screaming doesn't necessarily bump anybody up on the priority list-- it depends on what the screaming is about. DD1 screams about nearly everything that goes wrong, and frankly sometimes I put her last BECAUSE she's screaming, and usually she manages to figure it out all on her own before I get to her.

I'm not above shutting myself in the bathroom and ignoring the screaming, in order to make a necessary phone call.

It's a juggling act, isn't it? I think the juggling is at its worst when there's an infant in the house, because your instincts so strongly tell you to put the infant first, but sometimes you just CAN'T and that can be really hard.

When everything goes to heck and I can't sort out what happened, and everybody is sceaming, we declare a family timeout. I send (or pick up and PUT) each child in DS's bed, and everybody has to stay there until EVERYBODY stops crying, and then we talk it out.

I've even been known to declare a "State of Emergency" at times. That's when I send everybody to sit on their own bed, threaten holy heck if anybody puts a foot on the floor (make sure you think out ahead of time just exactly what holy heck is going to look like in your house) and I go in my room and sit and breathe for fifteen minutes. Then I go in and we talk.

I learned really early on after my younger two were born (they're twins) that I am only one person, and one person can do one thing at a time, and the world doesn't end if somebody yells for awhile until I can get to them. They learned it, too, and I think they're better off for knowing that sometimes you have to wait and let somebody whose needs are more urgent go first.

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by prairiebird

You really do just sort of fall into it and come out figuring something out for yourself. It's really hard to picture beforehand, but I really think you'll find a good balance after the first few weeks!

No, I"m already NOT falling into it, with three, lol. I'm not a natural!

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by Llyra

I have only three, and even with only three I can say that yeah, I understand entirely.

I think it really is a triage kinda thing. Although we have a rule in our house that when DD2 cries, she goes first, no matter what, as long as nobody's sick or in danger. That's because DD2 (she's 3) is so quiet and self-sufficient that she often gets overlooked. She doesn't cry unless there's something really WRONG, so when she cries, I go to her immediately if I possibly can.

I put safety and medical issues first, obviously. So the toddler about to fall downstairs would definitely go ahead of the preschooler and older child arguing. I put elimination needs next-- I have two partially potty-trained and one with chronic intestinal issues, so we have a lot of that. Food/drink go next, I would say. Screaming doesn't necessarily bump anybody up on the priority list-- it depends on what the screaming is about. DD1 screams about nearly everything that goes wrong, and frankly sometimes I put her last BECAUSE she's screaming, and usually she manages to figure it out all on her own before I get to her.

I'm not above shutting myself in the bathroom and ignoring the screaming, in order to make a necessary phone call.

It's a juggling act, isn't it? I think the juggling is at its worst when there's an infant in the house, because your instincts so strongly tell you to put the infant first, but sometimes you just CAN'T and that can be really hard.

When everything goes to heck and I can't sort out what happened, and everybody is sceaming, we declare a family timeout. I send (or pick up and PUT) each child in DS's bed, and everybody has to stay there until EVERYBODY stops crying, and then we talk it out.

I've even been known to declare a "State of Emergency" at times. That's when I send everybody to sit on their own bed, threaten holy heck if anybody puts a foot on the floor (make sure you think out ahead of time just exactly what holy heck is going to look like in your house) and I go in my room and sit and breathe for fifteen minutes. Then I go in and we talk.

I learned really early on after my younger two were born (they're twins) that I am only one person, and one person can do one thing at a time, and the world doesn't end if somebody yells for awhile until I can get to them. They learned it, too, and I think they're better off for knowing that sometimes you have to wait and let somebody whose needs are more urgent go first.

that's really helpful, thanks!
It's nice to hear from another that sometimes there is just a limit and things and people have to wait!!!

[sioleabha]

I have number 8 on the way, and we homeschool, so they are ALL here ALL THE TIME. On the one hand, yes you triage. On the other hand, you also have to make them deal with things themselves sometimes (when they can, of course).

I recently instituted a three hour "independent schooltime" every morning, which means my oldest three are required to work quietly and NOT ask questions. Anything they don't understand they are to try and figure out themselves, and if they can't, they mark it for me to help them with later. (In the afternoons they get one-on-one tutor time.) At first I was really worried about how this would go over, because it seemed like none of them could get through a single lesson without needing help. But the very first day, they breezed right through their work, figured it out themselves, and hardly had any questions during tutor time! That has pretty much continued, so they rarely even need their full amount of one-on-one time (and they'd much rather get up and go play than sit and talk sums and nouns with me, LOL!)

You can apply this same idea to your kids. If they have a situation that they CAN deal with themselves, tell them to. If you have to, declare a time of "no interruptions," where they must do X quietly, without asking you for anything. And, like Llyra, I am not above shutting myself in the bedroom to make a phone call. In fact, I always call out, "Mommy's on the phone!" while walking into the bedroom, and the kids know that means be quiet and don't come in. (Of course, this is not for 30 minute conversations with my BFF, but for making doctor's appointments, etc.) I also call out, "Mommy's going potty!" so they know not to knock on the bedroom door while I pee, LOL.

You can also make it easier for them to do some things on their own, like getting a rubber "fountain" for the bathroom sink so they can get their own drinks. (It's a little thing that you attach to the faucet, and when it's closed the water spouts up like a water fountain. Ours is shaped like a whale and came from the grocery store. Warning -- go under the sink and turn the water pressure down so that if they turn the water on all the way it doesn't spray all over the bathroom!) If you can, set some fruit on the table so they can get themselves a snack.

Also, you might want to consider not cooking lunches that can't be left on the stove for a few minutes. Nothing that requires constant attention, KWIM? Don't suppose you are lucky like me, with a door on the kitchen? I close and latch the kitchen door if something is on the stove and I am worried about the baby going in there.

Finally, IME, it gets easier when you have four. There is something about three. Someone is always left out, someone is always arguing, someone is always something. With four there seemed to be more balance. After that, it just gets louder.

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by sioleabha

Finally, IME, it gets easier when you have four. There is something about three. Someone is always left out, someone is always arguing, someone is always something. With four there seemed to be more balance. After that, it just gets louder.

lol...that's great! Thanks!

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by sioleabha

Finally, IME, it gets easier when you have four. There is something about three. Someone is always left out, someone is always arguing, someone is always something. With four there seemed to be more balance. After that, it just gets louder.

So true.

Yk, I never thought about a mandatory "no interruptions" time. I totally am going to start that in my house. Geez, if I could just get 20 minutes w/no questions, no requests, etc., I could THINK for that amount of time each day! Wow, what a concept. It's seriously blowing my mind, lol. Sometimes I get so caught up in being the mommy and taking care of everyone, I can't even think of something so simple.

[leavemealone]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

Just how do you manage when everyone needs something at once? Is it literally a triage? i.e. hurt people first, screaming people second, food/clothing/wants last?

I had to laugh at this b/c I just faced this last week. DD came home from school about 2:45 and said she was going to go ride her bike outside. She stopped by a neighbor's house three door down and ended up being bitten by their dog when they opened the door. She came home screaming, the baby (15 months) had awoken from his nap and was crying for me to come get him, our middle child's bus was due to bring home from preschool in a short bit. I was needing to get in touch with DH to come home from work to take DD to the ER. Everyone was needing something at once. Obviously, tending to DD's wounds was first. Got her a wet wash cloth and wrapped her arm. Then go the baby and got him a snack. Then waited for the bus. However, I don't find that most days are like this, but there are days that everything seems to hit at once.

I am also having my fourth child in April and wondering how I will do it all. It doesn't help that our second child has a developmental delay and isn't on the same developmental level as most kids his age. He has speech therapy once a week and we are needing to add occupational therapy so that's another appt I'll have to juggle. I keep telling myself that things will work out just fine.

[sanguine_speed]

Sandcastle, you sound like me! Though I'd say we have those days frequently. We also have a child who has some special needs that have included speech therapy in the past and epilepsy ongoing (so yah, managing seizures whenever they show up and really not being able to leave at all unsupervised). Many people would think managing seizures would be hard, but honestly it's the rest of it that gets overwhelming...lots of appointments, lots of day-to-day, lots of running in and out to drop-off/get kids from school...oy, I hope this is an easygoing newborn.
We are also in the position of not having the luxury of family to help. There is no calling mom or dad or sis or bro to help.
We actually had the craziest of scenarios not so long ago: I had my daughter at horseback riding and she took quite a fall. I was driving her to the hospital when I called my partner to tell him, and HE told ME the ambulance was just arriving to take our son to the same hospital. We were in line at emerg one behind the next, each with a kid in hand. The greeters were even confused, trying to tell us only one parent can go in with a kid, thinking we were a family that all showed up for one, whereas we had different triage levels and had to be each with one of the kids in different places. The third kid thank GOODNESS could go to a friend's house. But that's a rarity--it just happened to be a weekend and the friend happened to be home. I suppose she'd have just tagged along otherwise. And yet I think of all these things WITH A NEWBORN. Oy.

[starlein26]

I just wanted to send you a hug, .

I don't have any useful advice, but I commiserate with how difficult it is to manage so.many.needs.

[Labbemama]

I have 3 kids with special needs. But they are older, not toddlers.

So how I deal with them,

safety first.

Get one of them out of the house, have a friend over to entertain them or send them to a trusted friend's house.

Simplify meals and anything else that doesn't have to be done, I let it go until I'm more grounded.

Encourage them to do what they can for themselves.

When they were younger I do admit it was quite tough as they all have add/adhd.

Rest when you can.

During the school year do what you can when they are at school.

If you have to go out, like to get groceries, go to the pharmacy, do it while the car is already packed and some of the kids are at school or late at night after they are in bed.

Ask for help from your partner.

Don't forget to take care of yourself.

[htcamommy]

Triage is a definite. Or as my husband calls it "survival mode". If the kids are clean enough not to be taken by CPS, everyone gets fed, no ones bleeding, the house isn't on fire, and no one is dead then I consider it a victorious day. My kids are split drastically in age with two teenagers and 3 little ones. People think that means I have help but any mom of teenage girls can tell you the stress level that comes with them is not in the least helpful. So I try to think of a schedule and i mean a real simple schedule and I chant... litterly
Getting out of bed I chant "start the coffee, get the kids dressed, brush your teeth"
while starting the coffee i chant " get the kids dressed, brush your teeth, fix breakfast"
and this goes on from sun up to sun down till I run out of things to chant (yeah right) or I'm to tired to chant anymore.
Good luck! Everyone will make it and think what fun the stories will be when they grow up!

[elus0814]

You have three kids, two of whom are in school at least some of the time and a third who goes to daycare part of the time? Sounds like a vacation to me! I have three kids under six and am expecting another. The older two are homeschooled so they are all home all the time. My closest family is over a thousand miles away. My husband works 10-12 hour days when he's not deployed. I've been left alone with three kids in a new state and new house not knowing anyone at all for months at a time with not a moment break from any of the kids. Your situation might seem tough to you but think about how much more difficult it could be!