Edited! Mommy is a psychopath.

[matey]

It sucks. He's 27 months. He doesnt want to sleep at night. He's been sleeping so well for so long. He's making us rock him. I dont want to rock him. In a matter of months, I will have to rock a baby. I need freedom. He's climbing out of his crib. He's up till all hours. I'm going crazy. DH thinks I need to be patient, just let him transition. I think we are making him re-dependent on us to sleep. DH rocked him for 30 f-ing minutes tonight. I think that is ridiculous.

How am I going to deal with a baby and my reverting toddler. He is so needy. How am I going to deal with this neediness? How am I going to travel to Ohio in May. We have to take a flight, then layover, then another flight. I know he's going to throw some fit about having to sit in the airplane seat, but it will just be me and I wont have the hands to lug the carseat along. It's keeping me up at night.

I hate being stressed out about all this stupid crap.

[HaikuMommy]

Awww, mama, I feel for you.

I wish I had advice to magically fix it... instead I can only commiserate. My almost 20-month-old DD hasn't been sleeping well either (since getting a cold/virus a couple weeks ago) and it's been hard. Not getting enough sleep when already pregnant and exhausted is enough to make MAMA psycho! I am normally a patient person, EXCEPT when seriously sleep deprived.

Plus, she has started throwing tantrums already. DH and I have an agreement that we basically ignore tantrums, but then as soon as she settles down (which she does much quicker when we ignore them) we give her positive attention. We do this because my understanding is giving any attention, positive or negative, to a tantrum just reinforces the behavior. So I understand what you mean, it may seem like all the rocking just rewards the behavior... but I would wonder if he has an ear infection or something else that is making him not sleep and crave comfort like rocking.

My first daughter did not sleep through the night regularly until she was 4 years old. Seriously. It sucked hardcore. Once she could talk well enough, she would some wake me up and say "I can't sleep." I used to tell her, "That's okay, you don't have to. Just lay in bed with your eyes closed until morning." Ha ha... I was desperate for sleep. I get tired just thinking about those years.

[stik]

Thirty minutes is a long time for a bedtime routine. I've done that much rocking with a colicky infant, and I would again, but I agree that 30 minutes is too long for a bedtime routine for a 2yo.

Your ds is probably processing the idea of a new sibling and regressing somewhat as a way of asserting his understanding of himself and his relationship to you. And that's really stressful and crazy-making. If you can, you might try increasing the amount of time you spend focusing on him in 1-on-1 activities during the day. You might try having an explicit discussion with him about what will change when he's a big brother and what will stay the same, though he's probably too young to understand it.

This is probably also an excellent time to implement a rock-solid bedtime routine with him, so it's in place when your LO arrives. There should be time limits on things like rocking, and strict numeric limits on stories and songs. After that, you will, of course, respond to his needs in a caring way. But it will be the most boring way of caring imaginable. The lights will stay low. The conversation will be minimal. It sounds like you're totally on board with that, and now you just need to convince your dh.

[trimestersdoula]

I too, have no advice but have an idea where you are at. DD is 18 months old and has been sleeping through the nice for a loooooong time now. All of a sudden, a couple nights ago, she has started sleeping like a baby again. And I don't mean a precious sleeping baby. I mean the 3 month old that wakes every 1.5-3 hours to breastfeed. Only difference, is she doesn't eat at night and she is just getting up, screaming her head off until we pick her our and rock her to sleep OR she will just get up and not go back to bed at all. The first night I thought it was my fault. She doesn't do afternoon naps (already? I know!) and that day her and I managed to lay down for a nap and sleep for an hour and a half. That night she woke up at 4:30 AM and stayed up. DH was awfully tired for work. Last night she got up at 3:30 for an hour and a half, then I managed to get her back to sleep. Well all that work for her to wake up again at 6 AM. She's been up ever since. All I know is I.CANT.DO.THIS!!!! When I was pg with her I had insomnia and was up all the time for no reason. Then she was born. Again, no sleep LOL. Then she started sleeping through the night and it was heaven. I was so excited at the fact that I have 4.5ish months left of sleeping before this baby arrive. Guess not.

She also throws temper tantrums like there is no tomorrow, too.

to you, Mama. Its hard, I know, but if we couldn't handle this, we'd all be men :P

[MamaMonica]

Moved to FB and NP

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by stik

Thirty minutes is a long time for a bedtime routine. I've done that much rocking with a colicky infant, and I would again, but I agree that 30 minutes is too long for a bedtime routine for a 2yo.

Really? I don't think so at all. I have a five year old and our bedtime routine start to finish never takes less than forty minutes. Shower, teeth, 2 stories, 2 songs, and some days he needs extra cuddle time. That's really not such a big deal.

I think this is totally normal behavior for a 27 month old. Sleeping at that age is really hard. The world is exciting and changing so much and they are just full of energy to explore the world.

How am I going to deal with a baby and my reverting toddler. He is so needy. How am I going to deal with this neediness? How am I going to travel to Ohio in May. We have to take a flight, then layover, then another flight. I know he's going to throw some fit about having to sit in the airplane seat, but it will just be me and I wont have the hands to lug the carseat along. It's keeping me up at night.

Okay...breathe. It sounds like you are feeling really stressed and overwhelmed and scared about having a second child and sort of putting that in your toddler, like he's being super unreasonable, and I really don't think it's that much to ask to be rocked to sleep (I assume you have a rocking chair and are not rocking him in your arms or the air, right?)

This trip sounds really scary for you. Does he HAVE to come along? Can he stay with his dad?

I also want to reassure you that you WILL be able to handle two kids' needs. I know it doesn't feel that way but you will. I was terrified 12 weeks ago too. I was all panicky and frankly a stressed out basketcase. Part of that was that my hormones make me envision the absolute worst case scenarios in vivid detail and I start to believe it will happen that way (with all the hormones, lack of sleep, queasiness and kicks to my vital organs, pregnancy does really bad things to my stress levels!). Let DH handle bedtime until you are feeling more rested. Maybe re-visit the idea of whether or not ds needs to come with you to Ohio or whether dh or a friend can come along and help you. And remember lots and lot of toddlers have gotten a new baby at 2.5 years old and their moms handled it and so can you!

I definitely agree with stik that a solid routine now is a great idea, but I think you're being a little unrealistic to think that anything less than an hour of winding down from bath to closing eyes is going to happen. There's so much that happens to the 27 month old that never happened to him before and it takes a long time to process...I mean have you ever had a truly amazing life changing out of the world day where loads of things happened that just made you flip out and then tried going to sleep? I just had that happen for the last two days and I could not sleep for love nor money. I laid there trying everything, even counting sheep! Well every single day is like that for a 2 year old. Every single day is so dang exciting it takes serious reflection for them to process it all.

We start over dinner asking about his day, what did he learn what did he see, and then in the bath we ask what his favorite part of the day is, and then sometimes one of his stories is a story from his dad and he tries to work in something that happened to him, and then he gets songs and on particularly amazing days he needs just a little more time to talk to us. If we CAN we stay and listen, if we absolutely have to go, we just say "I know, honey, it was an amazing day! Mommy has to go...but I'll be back in a short while to check on you."

I really think 30 minutes of rocking is not a big deal.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by stik

Your ds is probably processing the idea of a new sibling and regressing somewhat as a way of asserting his understanding of himself and his relationship to you.

I totally agree--my DD went through this, and she was almost 5 when my baby arrived. She had been going to bed by herself for AGES, and as we got closer to my due date she got needier and needier at bedtime and during the night. It took 2-3 months after the baby was born for her to feel back to normal again. I had my DH take over the nighttime stuff with her, and it really helped with the stress level.

I think your DH is right--it's a hard hard time for little kids.

[matey]

I know I need to breathe. I am much more relaxed right now and things are going a little better today. I was VERY stressed out about it yesterday.

DS does have to go to Ohio with me, it is so he can see his grandparents and great-grandmother, who is in poor health. She cannot travel. We will not be able to go again until Thanksgiving. If it werent for ds, I wouldnt even be going. I just bought a portable dvd player, so I think that will make the flight a little easier. Thomas the train can fix almost everything.

We do have a routine, it hasnt been too involved, because it has been SO easy to put him to bed. He was a TERRIBLE infant as far as sleep goes, and so we have been living the easy life. I guess he couldnt stay easy forever.

[hollytheteacher]

You might be starting to think of your toddler as "big" since you have a new one on the way, but he's still SO young! My ds is 31 months and still takes at LEAST 30 minutes to fall asleep most nights. I understand you are tired/stressed etc. but you can't really blame the poor guy for age/developmentally appropriate behavior. Is there any reason why he's in a crib? have you tried a bed? mattress on the floor? etc. Can you co-sleep?

I think you tired and stressed out...maybe you need a break from helping with bedtime? Can dh take over? He's only little for so long! Sometimes it helps to remember that you WON'T be rocking him to sleep when he's 15 so enjoy it now! especially since it won't be much longer that he'll be the only "baby"

Good luck mama!

[matey]

I actually dont think of my ds as "big". He actually has been behind on a lot of things, and we frequently treat him like he's younger. And while I know you mean big like "big boy", his actual physical size lends itself to him more easily being treated much younger than he is. He is quite small, and at 27 months, he is the size of a 12-18 month old. I am not expecting strange "big boy" behavior out of him, I am just expecting him to do what he's done over the past several months, which is go to sleep without being rocked for extended periods of time. He chose this. One night he decided not to nurse to sleep, and requested his bed, and that is how he's done it ever since. That is why I felt llike we taking steps back.

I can't co-sleep.
1. I dont sleep. at all. I move, toss, turn. But, for about the first year of life, I just lived on no sleep.
2. DS started sleeping in a crib around a year. He actually seemed to prefer sleeping there, and was sleeping better in the crib. I think my being awake kept him awake. He still frequently nursed, but actually slept between those sessions. At this point, he refuses to co-sleep. He will say no, cry and want to go back to his room. He will only sleep with us if we are away from home.

A lot of people have suggested dh "take over", but we share the bedtime routine. Some nights I do it and some nights he does it, and on rough nights we trade off. DH always does the book reading. We kind of let DS decided. Some night he wants me and some nights he wants his dad.

We ended up changing his crib to the toddler bed, and although the last two couple nights he still needed mama and dada more, tonight went much better, After reading, we took him to his room, layed him down, covered him up, he asked for kisses, and that was it. I am glad things are getting back to normal.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by matey

I am not expecting strange "big boy" behavior out of him, I am just expecting him to do what he's done over the past several months, which is go to sleep without being rocked for extended periods of time. He chose this. One night he decided not to nurse to sleep, and requested his bed, and that is how he's done it ever since. That is why I felt llike we taking steps back.

He *is* going to take steps back--it's part of the arrival of a new one. It's normal. It may extend beyond sleeping--my 5 year old wanted to suck on a pacifier, be rocked like a newborn and even requested a diaper one night after her sister arrived. Seriously. The good thing is they regress for a bit and then they usually make big strides ahead. Try to go easy on him and be flexible with the routine.

[matey]

I know to expect steps back when the baby arrives, but I guess I dont think he really knows that a baby is coming. He knows what a baby is, and identifies babies in public. We have been reading books about babies. We talk about a baby sister. I know this may sound naive to people, but both my personal opinion and in talking about this with my DH and also those that know my son (I dont live by family, but these friends are my "family") the general feeling is that he does not have the cognitive understanding of the baby yet. I have met some children his age who I am sure would understand it sooner, but there are also those that wouldnt and like I said before, his development has generally been a tad behind, so I would put him more in the wouldn't understand category.

That said, I know that the future could bring new understanding, perhaps even before the baby arrives. I just dont think that was part of what I was dealing with over the past couple of weeks. I think I was dealing with a mixture of sickness and time change, which always upsets his patterns and behavior, but then when he was also able to get out of the crib, there was some new found independence thrown in there to stir things up.

[rzberrymom]

But you're stressed about the impending arrival, how are you going to do it when the baby arrives, he should be able to do this himself by now--they pick up on all that. And they start to regress.

I'm glad things are getting back to normal!

[matey]

My plan is to become an alcoholic when the new one arrives. Just kidding, that's my joke. I know I was really stresed the night of my first post. Part of that was that my sleep was really bad, a problem that I will have with a new baby too, so I know that will continue to be a factor. But, the worst factor right now is being pregnant. It is not enough to say I am irritable or cranky when I am pregnant. I am completely irrational. Surprisingly, I only lash out at my DH and friends. Even though my son was the one working me up that night, I still held him and snuggled him and had no hard feelings toward him. My son actually gets all the loving right now, my poor husband though... I gave all that anger to my husband, and when I didnt like his reaction, I came here. I promise that I am not this unstable on a normal basis. It is part of the reason why I never planned on having anymore children after my ds, but surprise. I have told my DH maybe 30 times that this CAN NOT happen again, but I cannot handle feeling like this. Really, I should have titled the post something about ME be the psychopath.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by matey

My plan is to become an alcoholic when the new one arrives. Just kidding, that's my joke. I know I was really stresed the night of my first post. Part of that was that my sleep was really bad, a problem that I will have with a new baby too, so I know that will continue to be a factor. But, the worst factor right now is being pregnant. It is not enough to say I am irritable or cranky when I am pregnant. I am completely irrational. Surprisingly, I only lash out at my DH and friends. Even though my son was the one working me up that night, I still held him and snuggled him and had no hard feelings toward him. My son actually gets all the loving right now, my poor husband though... I gave all that anger to my husband, and when I didnt like his reaction, I came here. I promise that I am not this unstable on a normal basis. It is part of the reason why I never planned on having anymore children after my ds, but surprise. I have told my DH maybe 30 times that this CAN NOT happen again, but I cannot handle feeling like this. Really, I should have titled the post something about ME be the psychopath.

Not necessarily to less sleep after the baby comes. I thought that too...but dd has slept for five to now 8 hours stretches since she was born and she is only 2 months. You might get lucky. My friends and I have theory that the less you were able to sleep during your pregnancy (and I had insomnia for about the whole 9 months!) the better the baby will sleep. Only anecdotal evidence to support our theory so far, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Not necessarily to less sleep after the baby comes. I thought that too...but dd has slept for five to now 8 hours stretches since she was born and she is only 2 months. You might get lucky.

I was going to say the same thing! My kids are 5 years apart because I couldn't fathom waking every 90 minutes all night long again--and then I got this baby that sleeps 8 hour stretches!?

If you can find the Happiest Baby on the Block at the library, it's a real lifesaver. I hate sleep books, but that guy is on to something!

It will be ok mama.

[matey]

I keep telling my friends that this baby is going to sleep good.

I slept horribly with my last pregnancy, and ds was premature, suffering from horrible gerd and food sensitivities. He had to be held upright after nursing, and slept on a reflux pillow for a while. He had horrible eczema on his face and head that he would scratch through the night, no matter how we swaddled his hands down. He ended up being VERY intolerant to dairy through breast milk. But the initial sleep disturbance seemed to set a pattern that took many months to break. I think that is why I TREASURE the way he sleeps now.

This pregnancy I am sleeping great. Perhaps the opposite will be true with me? Sleeping good means a good sleeping baby? I am a little more hopeful with this baby. I know that a dairy intolerance if pretty likely. I have problems with dairy (intestinal) and so does DH (skin). DS just started eating dairy a while back, but we keep it to raw milk. Anyway, I say all that to say I'll be way on top of those issues, which may save us some of the sleep troubles. I do have my fingers crossed with this new babe!

I own the Happiest Baby on the Block. We found it to be somewhat helpful with DS. Not a cure all, but the "shhhing" helped him settle some. Unfourtunatly, his sleep issues were so internal, the outer stuff did help as much as it could have.

[Encinalien]

My ds is 29 months. He's been dramatic and moody at random for five days now. That's so not his normal charachter. I cleaned his ears and they have a little gunk in them again. I felt his gums and those last molars are comming in right now. I've heard with the molars severe fever and sever ear infection are common. I haven't seen anything like that with ds. But you might check your sons gums because that pain affects their mood.

[matey]

Yes, i check for those whenever he's moody. I just want to get them in and over with so I can stop thinking about them. As far as ears go, we have had many nasty double ear infections, so now he has tubes, so we know when those are infected, because his ears smell and the nastiness leaks out.

[nmelanson]

I completely feel like a psychopath too!!! I can't stand it... I fear however, that I have become this monster all of the time - not just pregnancy! It's worse now though because I am so tired and have not been able to kick this cold I have! I have been so grumpy at home... and I feel so guilty about it. It's as if I'd rather be at work. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away!
I have MIL living with us and I CAN"T STAND HER HABITS + DH is really good at doing real good clean-ups every couple of weeks on his days off, but he's not good at all about picking up after himself on a daily basis. I feel like I am doing (nearly) all our day-to-day stuff + working full-time + doing most of child-care stuff at home. Isn't this the plight of the 21st century woman? On top of that, my sweetest 2 yo DS turned into a smart-talking, temper tantrum-taking monster when he turned 3. Had I know that DS would transform like this, I wouldn't have been so excited to get pregnant again!
Sorry - I didn't mean to turn this to me. I just wanted to say that I completely related to your msg when I read it. It made me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one. Most of us likely have more responsibilities and stresses than we did with our first pregnancies. I can understand the stress about sleep too. We make it through the sleeplessness of our first - heck I didn't even complain when I felt like I was living in a fog because of exhaustion. But once I started getting more sleep... I became so protective of it. Only now do we REALLY realize how precious it is! And I feel like I can handle the sleeplessness again for the new baby, but feel angry towards DS when he keeps us up all night because he already put me through this! I know it's irrational.... but sometimes even the irrational feelings have to be felt.
I hope things are going better for you.