i can't get DS to tell me about his thoughts or talk to me

[meg-momto2]

DS has some SPD tendencies and behavioral issues. his school evaluation showed he's got a very high IQ but couldn't find any signs of disorders. he does not communicate his needs and can not tell me about his day. i'l ask him what he did in school and his answer is almost always, "i don't know what to say about that". i have no idea what's going on with his friends or school work. when he gets notes on his folder about having bad days i can't get any info out of him about what happened.

last night he seemed to be having a bad dream and woke me up. when i asked him about it this morning he gave me the "i don't know what to say about it" line again. it seems like his expressive language is really lacking. i'm not really sure how to handled it and what i can do to help him. does anyone have any ideas or how i can help him? is this normal for a 6yo boy?

[K1329]

I've always had a poor response to direct questioning about school with dd. Not sure why. But, I do suspect it's normal. I have the best luck finding out about her day, thoughts, etc. at bedtime when I lay down with her and just "chat". It seems I find out much more in the course of a normal conversation that by direct questioning.

With the dream, I find that dd rarely fully remembers a dream in the morning. It could be he wasn't sure what he dreamed about.

[ollyoxenfree]

I've found some slightly directed questions get a better response than a wide-open "How was your day" or "How did things go?"

- What was the funniest thing that happened today?
- What was the weirdest thing?
- What new thing did you learn today?
- What was the most interesting work you did?
- Did any classmates report something interesting that happened to them?

Whatever the response, I used active listening skills to follow up (let the speaker finish talking, reflect back what s/he has said, follow up with further inquiries/comments based on the speaker's response rather than launching into my own discourse).

Finding a good time for conversation helps too. Often it's when you are both involved in something else - walking home from school, drying the dishes together after dinner (it's a big reason we don't use a dishwasher in our family!), bathtime, bedtime.

[justmama]

agreed with the people here about being more specific about his day but is it possible to ask the teacher to write a little more about the issues? obviously since he is having problems at school, you can't address them unless you know what they are. the teacher needs to step up and give you more information. we are fighting this battle with my 9year old's teacher right now. just had to have a meeting with the principal about it.

[meg-momto2]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

I've found some slightly directed questions get a better response than a wide-open "How was your day" or "How did things go?"

those don't work either. i'll ask what class he had outside of homeroom... music, art, P.E. then i'll try to narrow down to what did you guys sing, make, play. i still don't get answers. did you have a favorite part of the day? what happened on the bus? what was your word/number/letter of the day? i get nothing. it's like he has no memory of it.

the dream thing was weird because he brought it up in the car on the way to school but then he wouldn't talk about it.

i should probably clarify that this goes beyond school. many of his behavior issues are because he can't express his needs to other children, teachers or family. he often reacts with aggression instead of asking someone to stop or talk to them.

[nola79]

My son does the same thing. Doesn't remember what he ate for lunch, doesn't remember why he got his behavior grade moved down, etc.
With him,though, he DOES know, just for whatever reason doesn't feel like talking about it. Asking more direct questions does help.
Btw, my son has ADHD and I don't think he wants to stop and concentrate long enough to recall details of his day. I do make sure to ask him during a time where there are no distractions, I get a much better response then.

[4evermom]

In general, boys/men have a different communication style than girls/women. They tend to do better talking while doing something or on a car ride. Something that doesn't feel as direct or confrontational as sitting across from each other. So maybe try while taking a hike or playing a game together...

Boys also tend to respond physically to non physical things (hitting as a response to getting their feelings hurt, someone saying or doing something mean, someone doing something that conflicts with the boy's sense of justice). The justice thing can be a big trigger for gifted kids. They stereotypically have a tendency towards having a strong sense of wrong and right to the extent of being rigid (black and white) about it.

I remember being thrilled and impressed when my ds pulled his arm back as if he were going to hit another kid who was splashing him in a creek but didn't actually hit him. Yay, impulse control! He was 5 1/2 so not much younger than your ds. He also was very verbal and I felt his expressive language was fine. But until then, he'd still react physically first.

[plantmama]

My ds is 6 and also has spd issues. He was evaluated by someone who specializes in that and she could pin point issues for him to work on. It was through the school, did you do this as well for your ds? He now gets some ot services in school and is on a waiting list for out of school ot.
My ds also does not offer much or answer many questions or talk about how he's feeling much. It's hard to figure out what's going on sometimes.
We've had some great breakthroughs this year though, and he is more willing to tell us what's bothering him. Like why he is refusing to go to school or why he doesn't like to play with other kids.

I communicate a lot with his teachers because I've been picking him up from his classroom. I know this might not be possible, but then I have some ideas to go on.

I've heard people say car rides are great times to talk so i've tried that and it does NOT work for my ds. He feels trapped and resists. He will actually offer information when we are out at the playground after school though. He can run away when he's done and we've had some great 1-2 minute chats about what's happening at school etc... This has happened several times, it is not a regular occurance but it's always great when it does happen!
My ds is not particularly agressive but he is very controlling of his social situation and has a hard time letting go enough to play well with other kids at school. So right now we are trying to talk about that but he's resisting.

I should also say we use homoepathic and flower remedies with huge success in helping ds relax into his body and feel more comfortable in the world as well as being able to express himself and his needs.
Questions are very hard for him, even yes or no. He doesn't listen very well at all and hates advice or anything like that. Sometimes being specific helps. "Do you like going to school late because the cafeteria is too crowded and noisy in the morning?" The only problem is even if he answers yes, that might not be the problem.
Anyway, it's frustrating because you feel like you can't help them or you don't know what's going on. Just keep trying!

[SunshineJ]

Just from your title my first thought was "I bet her ds is between 5 and 7 yrs old!". So yeah, not uncommon according to my ds's kindy and 1st grade teachers. One thing that we do that's helped me get a bit of information out of our DS is to sit beside his bed at night with him until he goes to sleep. He's relaxed and has our full attention, and sometimes then he'll share a bit.

[Tjej]

Sharing as someone who has a really hard time with questions like "how was your day?" or "what did you do this week?" or "what was your favorite thing?" I can maybe help you understand a little of what the lack of sharing is about. I am TERRIBLE with knowing when stuff happened - this will make me sound looney or something but I really don't know what happened "today". That is not how I store memories. Now that I am older and if I try I can remember stuff like that, but I don't think about things that way and I have a really hard time answering questions like that. I write things in a day planner or calendar to have it organized by day, and it does not stay in my head that way. My DH says its like the "absentminded professor" type thing. I really don't know. And for favorite things? My brain takes it to the extreme and thinks it has to be the utmost absolute favorite thing, and that is very hard to define and compare everything I did, and then add in that the question is probably about a certain time frame and forget it - it's overwhelming to try to sort all the memories. As I'm older I'm better at editing that and just sort of "making up" an answer that I think will suffice, but it's still hard.

When my mom used to ask me about school on the ride home I was so snippy and did NOT want to talk. I don't think I could have explained it then, but having learned more about my personality type (introverted), I realize that I had just been busy with tons of people all school day and was burnt out and needed a break from talking with anyone. And her questions were hard for me to answer. Very specific questions would likely have been better, or maybe questions about specific friends (How was Beth today? type questions).

Anyway, I'd suggest you look into a Myers-Briggs type personality profile for your son (there are better ones out there, just a start) See what it comes up with, and what sort of suggestions there are for communicating with that personality type. For me, actually learning a bit about personality types has explained a lot of this sort of thing, and helped me to understand and communicate better with others who process things differently than I do. And if your son is an introvert, the Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child might be insightful.

Tjej

One other thought - does he like to draw? You could get him drawing and talking about his drawings to open up a line of communication.

[Mamabeakley]

Another thing you could try is asking in different ways that correspond to different sensory modalities. There's a book called "Monsters & Magical Sticks" that I found helpful around this. NAK & can't go into depth right now, but for example, if I ask DH what he thinks about something, 9x out of 10 I get "I don't know" as an answer, whereas if I ask how he feels, I get a real, thoughtful, concrete answer. I'm the opposite, and I know DS2 needs "visual" words & cues ("do you see what I'm saying?") whereas DS1 is much more "auditory" ("I hear you telling me that . . . ").

[provocativa]

The author of Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles- Shirley Kurkinka, maybe? Also has good insights into different communicating styles and emotional needs. I am an extrovert, with an introverted emotional style. I want to think things over first, before I can talk them over. But I have no trouble with social interaction.

I am a believer in the biological basis of behavior, and study nutrition to help with my kids and my specific medical issues. What I have concluded is that we are all eating food inappropriate for our species and often our specific bio / cultural heritage. We all need nutritional supplements to overcome those multi-generational deficits, and to combat the environmental and psychological toxicity of the postmodern world. You can: remove the 7 most major allergens, including wheat, dairy, soy; remove all colorings additives and many preservatives. Wheat and dairy improperly digested leave fragments of opiate protein in the gut, which influence ADHD and spectrum behaviors. Additives- these are usually made from petrochemicals, and do things like disrupt the synthesis of calming neurotransmitters such as gamma amniobutryic acid (GABA). For supplements, many of us need much more than the RDA. With spd issues start with magnesium (ionic, citrate, or glycinate), tons of natural vitamin cod liver oil, certain b vitamins including B6 and the so-called minor ones like inositol, choline, and paba. Not remembering dreams is a b vitamin issue. 5-htp or tryptophan help if constipation or depression are issues. Usually there are issues of toxicity, often heavy metals and liver insufficiencies, often sulphation pathways. You can't control the genetics aspect of these issues but you can get to work on the epigenetics. I lose impulse control and have episodes of rage and depression when I get off my supplements, and I am an adult, cognizant of the cause and effect- but still I will lose control. I think I need a tattoo that says magnesium changed my life, ask me how. . . .

[meemee]

does he really not talk to you? or does he not tell you what you want to hear about?

i have this issue with dd now 7. oh how i would love to have my talkative 4 year old back.

however she still tells me some things. things that are important to her but not to me. for instance she will come dancing and happily tell me about this great 'jewel' she found, but not about her day at school.

i have accepted this as her showing her independence. i have accepted this as part of growing up.

so instead of asking i offer. i talk about my day and what happened. and if she wants to say something she does. otherwise it doesnt mean i get something out of her.

i have tried many many forms and tricks to get words out of her, but she wont tell. nowadays she is too busy reading to talk to me. however i respect her space.

btw his 'i dont remember' the next morning after a dream probably was the truth.

my dd has anxiety. she gets tummy aches. i ask her directly if she has a tummy ache. that answers a million of my questions rather than what happened in school today.

your ds sounds completely normal to me. as long as he knows you are there to listen i think that's key.

[hergrace]

With DS1 (6), I sometimes find that after he has spent some time goofing around in the bath before bed, he relaxes and is able to talk to me a little more. It is almost as though the water helps him process.

But, mostly, I don't get much information.

[meg-momto2]

thanks for all the book recommendations. i'll definitely check them out. he does like to tell me random thing now and then. he mostly asks questions about things. there's not a lot of conversation going on. i just want to hear how his day is. i miss him now that he's in school and i have no idea what his life is like there. we had our parent/teacher conference last week. i was telling the teacher how he doesn't tell us about this day. she said he's pretty vocal in class. he can story tell well and she's not concerned about him. maybe it's just me or how i talk to him.

provocativa- thanks for all the info. our doctor think he's has Celiac which could explain a lot of his issues over the years. he's already on a restricted diet(nearly everything is made from scratch or has no additives, food coloring, preservatives...) we should know more by the end of the week.