One circ'd, one not

[teamsalem]

I did a quick search and I couldn't find a thread about this, but I'm sure there is one somewhere. Please point me in that direction if you know where.

We circ'd our first son. I knew the risks, I knew it was better not to, but it was extremely important to my husband (Jewish) that we do it, and so we did. I regret it, I should have refused. I tried to present a good argument for not circ'ing him, but what to do when you just can't change your partner's mind? I presented medical info, I talked to Rabbis, etc. Nothing worked to make my husband ok with leaving him intact.

I'm pregnant again, and I have a very strong feeling that this is another boy. I do not want to circ this baby. I WILL NOT circ him. But, unfortunately, my husband maintains his stance about wanting it done. The only thing I have been successful about in my argument, is making him agree that if we are still in SC (we are looking to move), when this baby is born, we will not circ it. We agree there is no one we would trust to do it here, and the medical community is not the best around these parts, IMO.

Anyhow, I do not want to circ this babe, but I also am afraid of it effecting my relationship with my husband in making joint decisions about our family. I also wonder how I will explain to my boys why their penises are so different.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Here are some open threads as well as some older closed ones.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=one+circed
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&highlight=one
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&highlight=one


http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=one+circed
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=one+circed
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=one+circed
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&highlight=one

Bunch of them took me a bit to figure out the right search term.

[teamsalem]

Thank you so much!

[momto4kids]

Hi ~

We have 4 boys ~ the 2 oldest boys were circ'd, after we had our first born done we felt awful & didn't want to do it again. BUT...we felt weird not having both boys look the same so our 2nd son was circ'd too, i know, i know.....TRUST ME I know! We have had so many issues w/ that son & scar tissue due to his being circ'd. He has had 2 surgeries to correct this in the last year....same Dr did both boys & one has issues, the other does not.

When we had our girls i was relieved to never have to make that choice again. Then I found myself pg again w/ another boy & planning a homebirth this time. We really had to make a conscious choice because we would be looking for a Dr to do it & taking him in for it too. My MW gave me some reading material & we checked out the Penn & Tellar video along w/ some youtube ones too. With in days we had chosen to leave our son intact.

There is quite the age gap between our 2 sets of boys (7 yrs between the sets) & we were able to explain why they look different & the choices we made. But truth be told....none of my boys look the same anyways!

As for the family aspect ~ hopefully someone else can give you some info or links since we just left them intact & our family respected it. Although one BIL does toss Bible verses at me on occasion....i just ignore it though!

dana

[Greg B]

My parents cir'd me, but not my two younger brothers. No issue for us, my only memory is of asking my mom once why and she told me that doctors recommended it when I was born, and did not when my brothers were born. It had absloultely no effect on my relationships or theirs as far as I am aware. Non issue.

WE learn as time goes on. No you know it was the wrong chioce. It sounds like you have a DH that is very good at putting his foot down and is very unyeilding. That will make it difficult. But many have prevailed, so you can too.

The advantages do not outweigh the disadvantages. You will need to keep tha balance sheet out front, and not get sucked into the frame of mind that one advantage is all that matters.

Best wishes

[JBaxter]

I have 3 circ'd and one not. My 6 yr old has never asked about his brothers penis. My older 2 ( are teens) and know my reasoning and that had I known then they would also not be circd

[JB1972]

Originally Posted by teamsalem

...

Anyhow, I do not want to circ this babe, but I also am afraid of it effecting my relationship with my husband in making joint decisions about our family. I also wonder how I will explain to my boys why their penises are so different.

First off, just wondering if you've tried the angle of having him personally speak with men who are not circ'd? One of the big issues about weather or not to circumcise, I think comes down to pure familiarity; from doctors to friends and family down to the parents themselves, more people (in this country at least) are familiar with circumcised men. Perhaps if he had "the other perspective", he may be able to examine all evidence through very different filters... or perhaps not?

As for you not wanting to affect the relationship, it sounds to me as if your husband already has. While I'm usually all for finding compromise and minimizing conflict in a relationship, I also think that really only works if BOTH partners feel the same and both partners WORK to this common goal. Reading your post, it makes it appear that he doesn't really have any solid reasoning behind his position, but is simply being stubborn? (If I'm mistaken on this, then disregard the following)

Perhaps you could express your concerns in this light: tell him that you are very concerned that this issue is causing unneeded tension in the relationship, and that it is not an issue worth destroying a marriage over. Ask him if he feels the same; isn't the health and harmony of his whole family worth more to him that just this one issue? List the ways that you feel you have worked towards this goal, as well as compromises you've made and things you've given in on (most of all the circumcision of your first son!). Ask him if he's willing to work more towards this goal too; keeping the "goal" about your relationship, not asking him to change his mind or agree to anything specific other than to be open minded and consider his opinions on the matter from different perspectives. Really try help him nail down what his big issues on the matter are, and what level of importance they really have for him. This final part is something a lot of us as human beings often forget to weigh out when we formulate our opinions on certain matters; thus it's possible that he may feel "very strongly" about his son being circumcised but perhaps he may feel even more strongly about other issues (such as the health of his marriage).

Clearly I'm only guessing at your situation and possible ideas of confronting the issue (s). I mostly point this perspective out because it sounded a bit like you were bearing a lot of the responsibility for harmony in your relationship; when he is just as responsible for this. While we all have a right to our own feelings and opinions, in matters that affect the lives of others in such dramatic ways we should be able to examine the issues from outside our own perspectives to consider if our own feelings are really justified.
Good luck,
JB