DSS believes his mom will come get him

[Jess's Mom]

Dss has always wanted to live with his mom, she left when he was around 2, so I think it's just the unknown that attracts him. She has been in and out of trouble for drugs and theft for around 12 years now and lives in a diffrent state then us. She of course tells the kids she is a changed person and has now found a good man and God and that she would love to have him come live with her. She has given him several dates that she will come get him and then always changes it. It is generally blamed on the fact that she is being forced to pay child support and she can't afford that and him. She owes back support and it will take a while for her to get out of that hole. We haven't had any child support deposited for 2 mo now, so I would say she is off probation and no longer working. The bigest problem is that dss believes that she wants him and I don't think he believes that it matters what happens in school here because he thinks he will be leaving. He is flunking everything and someone he was with was just caught shoplifting. He is already in the juvinal system and I don't think he gets what that means if he keeps this behavior up. He no longer lives with us, but, his grandmother. He thought we were too hard on him and he stole from me and there was also a question of him being inappropropriate with young girls and I have 3 young dds. I just don't know what to do, dh lets his mom handel all the dicipline because he is in her house. I just don't think she does much of anything. She doesn't ask about homework, lets him go places and do things even though he doesn't do anything in school and also seems to give him money for tasks he doesn't do or at least not completly. This is a very sore subject for my family all the way around, does anyone have any tips on a situation such as this???

[ProtoLawyer]

to you. This can't be easy to watch.

It does sound like some counseling's in order--for him, certainly (which the juvenile system may order), and perhaps some family counseling.

[mtiger]

I would definitely look into counseling for the boy. His behavior isn't really that surprising (and please don't take this the wrong way - I understand that you need to also look out for the other children) - the parental figures in his life have effectively washed their hands of him, and he's trying to get someone's attention.

In addition to counseling (which you and Dad should be involved in), Dad needs to rethink his hands-off stance wrt parenting/disciplining his son because he lives with Grandma. The boy needs his Dad more - not less. IMO, of course.

[VocalMinority]

This situation sure sounds tough, from your position. It sounds absolutely rotten, from your step-son's. His Mom didn't care to stick around when he was little and keeps stringing him along with empty promises of love and a fresh start in life. He enters his troubled teens, when he most needs guidance, discipline and reliability from his Dad... and Dad decided he was too difficult and dumped him with Grandma. And Grandma either doesn't have the energy to properly raise a teenager, or she just doesn't care. So, he can fail, flounder and get in trouble and none of the adults in his life care enough about him to step up to the plate, force him to get back in line and guide him in what he should do.

I'm not saying you don't care. But it sounds like this kid must think no one cares. Is there any way his dad can spend more time with him?

[Jess's Mom]

The situation just got a little worst. He was just caught trespassing with some of his friends and when he called his mom to tell her she told him that she had been laid off from her job and she couldn't come get him. We have had several years of councling for him, he will not talk about anything that has any meaning always changing the subject to video games or something silly. His dad has been sent out of town to work and has been for almost a year now, so he doesn't have much time to spend with any of us. We have tried to give him incentive to do his school work and stay out of trouble. He is 15 now and we told him that if he could keep a b avg in school we would let him take his driving permit test and teach him to drive. We also have a car waiting for him. I know you can't bribe a child to behaive, but at this age you would think that showing some responsibility to get some freedom would be worthwile. His father and I love him and care about him, please don't mistake that. With that said, I also feel we have given him the guidence he needs to know right from wrong and he is the center of his grandmothers world. I believe the attention he is seeking is that of his mother that I don't think he will ever get. I think that he thinks the more trouble he gets in and the less he does in school the faster she will want to "save" him. Now that he has basicaly been told thats not going to happen, his world kind of came crashing down on him. I am starting to think maybe it would be best if he moved in with his dad at his work location. That would give him all the 1 on 1 time he needs with dad and get him away from the "friends" that keep leading him to trouble. Is that crazy? The school year is almost over? I don't know.

[Smithie]

It's not crazy at all. You might want to let him finish out this academic year at Grandma's for better or for worse, but once that's done, moving in with his dad is a great idea. Even if he fails this year, it's not going to ruin his life if he repeats the year at his new school in his new living situation and does better.

It's a good thing that your daughters have such a competent mom who can handle being their sole caregiver most of the time, because your husband has a son that he NEEDS to focus on and prioritize right now.

[bluebunny]

Is he on probation in the juvenile system? Around here probation orders usually specify where the juvenile is to live during the duration of probation. If he is on probation perhaps the probation officer could make it clear that he is to live with dad or grandma (not mom) while on probation.

I don't think it is a bad idea that he stay with dad in the work location until the end of the school year but will dad be around in the afternoons after school to supervise him?

[laohaire]

I dunno, but wanted to throw out the book suggestion Hold On to Your Kids.

[sleepingbeauty]

I don't know what to tell you but I wanted to give you a *hug*. Willow told me the other day that "mommy and daddy are coming to get me" All I could do was try not to cry when I said, "maybe, sweetie." T^T

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by mtiger

i would definitely look into counseling for the boy. His behavior isn't really that surprising (and please don't take this the wrong way - i understand that you need to also look out for the other children) - the parental figures in his life have effectively washed their hands of him, and he's trying to get someone's attention.

In addition to counseling (which you and dad should be involved in), dad needs to rethink his hands-off stance wrt parenting/disciplining his son because he lives with grandma. The boy needs his dad more - not less. Imo, of course.

yep!

[mama2toomany]

I was this kid. When I was 2 1/2 my mother dropped me off for a 2 week visit with my brother at my dads house, she never came back.

I grew up in a very abused house after that, and just put it in my head, that my mother was God and one day she would show up at the door with open arms and take me off, and life would be like Disney Land for ever.

It was really bad, I even made little shrines to her in my closet.

I went to counseling, it didn't work. I tried to do bad in school, and break the law so my family wouldn't want me anymore and I could go live with my mom.

It took me a really long time to see my mother for what she was and what she did. I now have a relationship with her, but its not a close mom kid relationship.

I am sorry your going through this, and I wish I could say "well this ____ helped me".

Really the only thing that helped was me getting older and putting all these things together.