WWYD? Unsolicited advice?

[mambera]

I WOH two days a week and we have a nanny to watch our 9 mo DD.
The nanny has her own 4 mo baby at home. (Yes I am aware of the general wrongness of this: but she needs the $ and if she weren't working for me she'd be working for somebody else, possibly somebody less flexible.)

I've let her know that she is welcome to bring her dd (she did once but not again) and she is also welcome to take breaks to express milk if she wishes (my DH is WAH for backup, he would be perfectly willing to take DD for 15 minutes so the nanny could pump if she wanted).

She told me that she bf her baby at night and ff during the day (her mom watches her dd when she is at work).

DH thinks I should discuss the risks of ff with her bc he thinks she probably is not well informed about this. She is not highly educated and she also once said "Formula is better in the daytime." I think this is just none of my business.

WWYD?

[new2this]

Unless she asks for your adivce I wouldn't say a thing about it. Its not your place to tell her how to feed her kid. FF is not hurting the child in anyway. Yes bf is better but is not the be all end all of feeding.

[lifeguard]

You could always print off something & give it to her with a simple "After we were chatting about bfing I came across it & found it interesting so I thought you might too."

[Tigerchild]

I would not give her unsolicited advice. It's really none of your business and doesn't affect your family in any way. You've offered to let her bring her baby for feedings or express--she politely declined. I would treat her with respect, if I were you and you are pleased with her and don't want to insert any weird stuff into your relationship.

It sounds like perhaps you don't really respect her decisions. If that's the case, are you sure that you will be a good employer for her long term? If not, then I think you should probably let her find a family who will be able to view her with respect, no matter what her education level is, or who will not be as bothered by her part time forumula feeding and working while she is a mom to an infant.

And I would stop sharing this info with your DH (I assume you told him about her FFing and her comments) if it's going to make him have less respect for her to the point that he is pushing you to offer unsolicited advice.

[Kirsten]

This is SO clearly a "mind your own business" topic. And I nursed my kids and do believe it is best. And your nanny IS nursing her baby! Making her feel badly about not nursing during the day while she is AT WORK is just mean. Sure, you could guilt her into buying or renting a pump (can she afford this? although formula is expensive too I know), taking time away from her job to pump, maybe it goes smoothly for her and maybe it doesn't, making sure she keeps the pumped milk dated/cooled/transported from your house to hers/used before it gets too old...

I think I'd let her know that if she WANTS to pump milk to take home to her baby, you are fine with that. Nothing more. IMO. It really just isn't your business or choice.

[vegemamato]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

This is SO clearly a "mind your own business" topic. And I nursed my kids and do believe it is best. And your nanny IS nursing her baby! Making her feel badly about not nursing during the day while she is AT WORK is just mean. Sure, you could guilt her into buying or renting a pump (can she afford this? although formula is expensive too I know), taking time away from her job to pump, maybe it goes smoothly for her and maybe it doesn't, making sure she keeps the pumped milk dated/cooled/transported from your house to hers/used before it gets too old...

I think I'd let her know that if she WANTS to pump milk to take home to her baby, you are fine with that. Nothing more. IMO. It really just isn't your business or choice.

I completely agree.

[mummyofan]

Absolutely none of your business, and insulting. Everyone has their own parenting styles, and not everyone is AP.
You've offered. She's declined.
I think it's great that she's working for a family that's so flexible, but you also have to respect her. If you doubt her intelligence this much, though, should you be employing her for your DD?

[One_Girl]

If you want to offer to pay for a pump then I think you should do that, otherwise I think you should let it go. It isn't a choice that affects your family. She may have done a lot of research on breastfeeding and formula feeding and then made her choice. Many very highly educated people choose formula feeding just as many people who aren't formally educated choose breastfeeding. Education isn't the only thing that determines feeding choices.

[SunshineJ]

Another one for not your business or place to say anything. You do not necessarily know the situation, or all of the details, and really, you're not entitled to. Maybe her mom refuses to feed the child expressed milk because she thinks it's gross. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances that make this the most ideal situation she can do. And maybe, she's made a conscious choice on how to feed her baby. You've offered, she's declined, leave it alone.

[bluebunny]

Definitely none of your business. You don't know all the ins and outs of why she chooses to use formula during the day.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by lifeguard

You could always print off something & give it to her with a simple "After we were chatting about bfing I came across it & found it interesting so I thought you might too."

Thanks for the suggestion, wouldn't be a bad idea but she cannot read English.

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

It sounds like perhaps you don't really respect her decisions. If that's the case, are you sure that you will be a good employer for her long term? If not, then I think you should probably let her find a family who will be able to view her with respect, no matter what her education level is, or who will not be as bothered by her part time formula feeding and working while she is a mom to an infant.

Wow, this was a pretty nasty and judgemental post. (Esp for someone who is actually agreeing with my view on this!)

Why do you imagine I am bothered by it?? Regarding the ff, as I said in my post I don't really consider it my business. Regarding the working, I am sympathetic bc I know how hard it is to leave a young infant and I imagine it would be even more difficult to spend the time caring for someone else's child.

And I would stop sharing this info with your DH (I assume you told him about her FFing and her comments) if it's going to make him have less respect for her to the point that he is pushing you to offer unsolicited advice.

Hm, why would you ASSume that? He saw her ff the day she brought her dd. In general he has a closer relationship with her than I do bc he WAH all day while she is there and also bc they share a fluent language (her English is pretty minimal, as is my Hindi.)

FYI DH and the nanny are both South Asian (I'm Euro-American) and their cultures are far more in-your-business than mine. I suspect this difference contributes to our different approaches (mine and DH's) and I think it is also possible that she would share his more than mine (and therefore not view interference as indicating lack-of-respect but more caring-and-sharing).

[artgoddess]

I think your last response shows how difficult it would be to word something nicely enough that it would not come across as judgmental. you offered to let her pump at your home and that's great. I wouldn't go any further with it though.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by mambera

Why do you imagine I am bothered by it?? Regarding the ff, as I said in my post I don't really consider it my business. Regarding the working, I am sympathetic bc I know how hard it is to leave a young infant and I imagine it would be even more difficult to spend the time caring for someone else's child

Well, I don't you from Eve, so I can only go by what I read. You talk about her lack of education, ect, you seem uncomfortable with her working with a young baby but you feel you are "protecting" her, ect. To me, that reads as...well, nice but perhaps a little condescending. Having worked as a nanny in the past, I'll just say that a lot of folks can be patronizing, and leave it at that.

If you believe, as you state now, that not only would she not be offended by unsolicited advice but it would be culturally caring, and that your DH is closer to her AND he's the one who wants to say something--then why doesn't he say it then? You shouldn't have to do anything against your own comfort level.

I still think it's really not polite to say something. If it's your DH that's constantly bringing up saying something to you, and it's bugging you or making you feel like perhaps you should say something because he keeps poking you, I think you're well within your rights to tell him to knock it off and talk to her himself if he would like to.

I am not Indian but I made a lot of friends from various parts of India via my kids' toddler group--and a lot of them expressed great relief that in the US they were separated from interfering and in-your-biz family members (while still missing the nicer 'community' aspects of things). So I still don't know if you giving her more advice would truly be welcome, I'm sure that depends on the individual. If you think that your initial offer was refused because it's cultural to always refuse something like that the first time, you could always make the offer again.

But if your DH is pushing that you say something, and you don't want to, isn't this more a problem between your DH kind of nudging you to do something you don't want to, between you--and not really involving her?

[mambera]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

you seem uncomfortable with her working with a young baby but you feel you are "protecting" her

I can't imagine how you got this out of my post but I guess it doesn't matter.

why doesn't he say it then?

That was my first suggestion to him. He felt it was more of a woman/mom thing though.

But if your DH is pushing that you say something, and you don't want to, isn't this more a problem between your DH kind of nudging you to do something you don't want to, between you--and not really involving her?

It's not an ongoing issue. We had the conversation once. I thought I'd fly it by here to see if maybe I was missing something or others had a different opinion. If I'd gotten overwhelming feedback to bring it up I might have reconsidered. As it is, I think I'll leave it where I left it.

[Bellabaz]

I would have to say its not your place. If she brought it up in a convo withyou then of course you could present your info in an unbias casual way. But I wouldn't go out of your way to intervene.

[CarrieMF]

it's only 2 days a week, she is bf'ing at home. I would stay out of it & encourage your dh to stay out of it too.

If she brought her baby to work, I imagine it would be hard for her to care for both infants with different needs/development at the same time.

[Mrs. Bratton]

Mind your own business. Some people cant pump. I had a very had time w/ it. It just didnt stimulate my supply like a suckling baby and I never got very much. I eventually had to start supplementing and as my supply dwindled she became strictly FF. I was one of those who was going to BF come hell or high water but the pump just didnt work for me and I HAD to work. I am just proud for the 4 mos of exclusive BF I gave her.

You should be proud of her for still nursing when she can. The ONLY thing I would say is IF she brings anything up about feeding say "have you tried pumping so she can get BM all the time?". Nothing rude or condescending. Nothing about the "risks" of formula. Just a simple question that could possibly open up a polite, objective conversation about the benefits of BM.

I would be shocked if she didnt know "breast is best". I mean she is a mother, she is a childcare provider. Unless she just didnt see a healthcare professional or read a single thing about babies the entire time she was pregnant she KNOWS that BM is better and therefore probably had a reason for FF in the day. If she didnt know is was better why would she try at all?

[meemee]

Originally Posted by mambera

(her English is pretty minimal, as is my Hindi.)

FYI DH and the nanny are both South Asian (I'm Euro-American) and their cultures are far more in-your-business than mine.

aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!! the cultural difference.

yup yup. go ahead and talk to her. she would totally appreciate your gesture - whether she accepts it or not.

it is bf. a delicate issue for dh to talk to her so you are the best person to talk to her. except not sure how you would do it.

and yes in that culture ff is a class thing. 'only the poor bf'.

i would trust your dh on this. i agree she is probably misinformed. this kind of info would not be seen as 'private mind your business' kinda info. it would be seen as a caring gesture. except that if you cant find someone else to help you with the language you might as well not talk to her as i am sure she will have many questions and they will be hard to answer due to the language barrier and so you will be giving her partial info.

i would just offer the info and wait for her to come to you for more detail. if she doesnt its not something she wants to do.

[wookie]

Originally Posted by meemee

and yes in that culture ff is a class thing. 'only the poor bf'.

.

just as an up-to-date-information, things are changing. there`s a lot more awareness and the younger generation is going the bf way a lot more. the `class thing`was most apparent in the 80`s and early 90s but not so any more.

[Linda on the move]

I just don't see how that would be different from my DH telling his sectretary that she should be Bfing, and I think that would be a seriously creepy conversation. (Dh's secretary has a cute new baby)

Bosses don't tell their employees what to do with their breasts OR how to raise their kids. It's creepy. Really really creepy.