First Grandchild... how much should MIL visit?

[ck1]

… MIL lives out of town (10 hours away). Since DS was born (he's 8 1/2 months now) she's visited or we visited (once), a total of 5 times. MIL sent an e-mail to me, and told DH that she hoped to plan another trip soon (read: next month). I'm torn. This is her first grandbaby and she doesn't live near by, so whenever she visits she stays with us. We live in a small house, so the last time she visited she brought an air mattress and slept downstairs, which was nice of her. She also left it with us for "next time" (Great!).

The problem is I'm finding her more annoying each time she visits. She doesn't do anything. She cooks and shops for groceries. On one level I can't complain, but she buys TOO much groceries (packs our cabinets and fridge) with things that you can't just munch on, you have to do cooking. I don't really have time and hate to see things go to waste. Most visits she doesn't watch DS. She talks on the phone a lot. So part of me feels like it's just something for her to do, not that she really wants to see us.

Basically, I really don't want her to visit again until DS's birthday. But really, am I being rude? I mean, I know it's her first grandbaby, but I haven't had an opportunity to miss her. I wish she would go out and do something, find a hobby... instead I feel like I have a shadow. Our house is small so there's not much privacy.

Is it unacceptable to expect her next visit to be during DS's birthday in June, or am I being unreasonable? DH gets annoyed with his Mom, too, so I know if I pushed the issued he'd support me. But on one level I wonder if it's rude to tell her she can't visit her grandbaby. But 5 times in less than a year seems enough for me. Forgot to mention: each visit is probably 4 days long, so short... but still too long for me. I wish she would stay in a hotel, but she really can't afford that on top of airfare.

What do you think? I'm I being reasonable? For those of you with MIL's out of town, how much do they visit grandbaby?

[Anastasiya]

If I were you, I'd actually be quite honored. Seriously.

Sure, it would be a bit annoying to "host" her so often, but at the same time, it obviously means a lot to her that her grandson grows up knowing who she is. You don't form a huge bond with a grandparent you only see 2-3 times a year. I would have given the world if my mom's dad had come to visit us more often when we were growing up...as it was, we saw him on Christmas and then one other time every year. I barely knew him.

If your MIL lived in town, she'd probably be over to stop by every now and then and she would KNOW your baby, you know? But she's not there, and it's nice that she wants to make an effort.

As for her not doing things, what would you expect her to do? Unless you specifically ask her to watch your son or do something, why should she just do it, you know? She's probably trying to give you space too, and not interfere. Thus the sleeping on the air mattress in the basement.

I think it's WONDERFUL that she cooks for you. Apparently she loves it and that's her "gift" to you. I would be unbelievably happy if my mom or MIL stocked my cupboards too! Learn how to cook so the food isn't wasted!

Maybe you should look at this time in a more positive way - you get to eat good meals, you get free food, your baby gets to know and love his grandmother, and you and hubby can start using her visits to arrange a "date night". You know - tell MIL the baby's all hers from, say, 6 pm to whenever, and go out with hubby and spend some time alone.....

But seriously, try not to let this bother you too much. It's clear it's all done in love. I don't see that she's really doing anything disrespectful and I don't think she means to burden you.

ETA: I just noticed she stays for 4 days. That sounds long. Maybe you could cut back to 2 days each visit by being busy the other 2?

[hakeber]

Thank you for reminding me why I live in another country that requires plane travel and passports.

That is a lot of visiting for someone who lives close by, let alone an overnight guest. Maybe if you had a MIL suite, I could see. My mother has seen ds twice since we have lived here. That is enough in two years. Plenty. My dad and stepmom ZERO. My MIL, ZERO (but she is coming for two weeks in July with SIL, BIL and their passel of kids.) Oh, and they are staying in a hotel and we are all going to the beach for two weeks together, so it will be fun.

I just wouldn't want someone in my house on my floor that much unless she was willing to babysit the baby so I could get some me and dh time.

My mother does that over-food shopping thing too. It drives me BATTY! I know she means well, but if I can't see everything we have in the fridge, we have too much stuff. It's not like the nearest store is miles away...I can walk to it in five minutes!

[sugarpop]

I am in the same boat. My MIL lives 20 hours away and when she visits she stays with us. She isn't always considerate and her and FIL argue while they are here. My DD is 5.5 months and they have been here twice with a third visit planned. As much as she drives both of us nuts, I know it is good for DD to get to know her. I know she intends well but when she is here I want to scream. My concern about standing up and saying something personally...is that it might alter her relationship with her son. Regardless of her driving us both nuts, their relationship is important. I never want DH to be able to turn around and blame me for any thing that happens between him and MIL.

Just to give you a picture, last visit, the night before they came they called and were offended so they werent coming. Offended because the first visit we didn't put the animals (cat and dog) in the basement, and MIL has alergies. Other things happened too, enough to drive the sane insane. Good luck

[maptome]

My MIL is 3 hours away. She's visited around 4 times and we visited once. DD is 8 months and their first and only grandchild. My parents are 3 hours away and have visited approx 8 times. All visit for the weekend only. They drive.

Maybe you could lie and be "busy" when she's free, and free when you know she's busy? You probably can't get away with no visits until June, but maybe just one. And 4 days seems like a long time to me. I know she flies, so I understand why she would want to stay longer.

Advice: Just throw the food away. My MIL has been bringing me crap for about 7 years and it used to make me insane. My whole house was full of junk that I hated, until I realized I could just throw it away. (I hate to waste, sounds like you do, too. but for sanity's sake)

[anj_rn]

No advice on the visits, but one on the food. Perhaps mention that you appreciate all the food she bought last time, but you don;t have a lot of time to cook and don't want the food to go to waste. Then she can either buy less food, or cook it for you and freeze it. Either way, less work for you. Also, when she leaves take the stuff you don;t wantto a local food pantry.

P.S. My MIL lives 2 miles away, she wanted to see both kids every DAY for the 1st 3 months. Even now she wants to come see them every week, but at least she goes back to her own house.

[2cutiekitties]

Um, sorry you better rewrite your post because if your biggest problem is she buys too much food and talks on the phone too much, then you dont really have a problem, imo (really I am not trying to sound like an arse!) I would be grateful she doesnt hijack your baby and then undermine every single thing you do or say!

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

If I were you, I'd actually be quite honored. Seriously.

Sure, it would be a bit annoying to "host" her so often, but at the same time, it obviously means a lot to her that her grandson grows up knowing who she is. You don't form a huge bond with a grandparent you only see 2-3 times a year. I would have given the world if my mom's dad had come to visit us more often when we were growing up...as it was, we saw him on Christmas and then one other time every year. I barely knew him.

I don't know, my son has a very close bond with all his grandparents, granted he is closer with my mom who visits more, but I suspect that has more to do with the heaps of presents she brings, and from the age of three weeks to two and half years old she saw him three times total.

This is what skype is for, IMO. We visit regularly on SKYPE with each family member and Benjamin knows them all quite well. Sometimes he kicks me out of the desk chair so he can chat with his pop-pop all alone.

FWIW, OP, my house guests of all kinds of relations have all offered to babysit and my mother babysits everyday when she is here, takes the kids to the pool or the park or just for a walk even if just to let me have an hour of ME time. I would be miffed if someone came under the guise of spending time with my kids and then spent their time food shopping and chatting with friends on the phone instead.

[jess5377]

My MIL is coming next month for the second time since the baby was born 4 months ago. She's nice and I know she'll be helpful, but she's coming for 2 weeks and I'm a little worried that she'll start to kind of get underfoot, you know?

I need help and want help. But, I also know myself and know that by day 3 or 4, I'm going to want the house to myself and my baby for even just a day. I'm the kind of person who by the time Sunday night rolls around, I'm looking forward to my DH going back to work the next day. Of course, by the time Thursday's here, I can't wait for the weekend.

Wow, I was *no* help at all. Just venting along with you, I guess.

Sigh.

[Bokonon]

When my ILs came to visit after DS was born, MIL literally did nothing. No cooking, cleaning, shopping, no changing diapers, no dishes, no laundry. She only wanted to hold DS while he was sleeping. At the time, I was pumping and feeding, so I was hardly getting any sleep, and there were always bottles to wash. She did nothing, and stayed for 10 days.

Then my mom came to visit, and after about an hour of fawning over the baby, she took my car and went to the grocery store, though she had just flown 3.5 hours. She did everything I needed her to do and I didn't even have to ask.

MIL hasn't been back since, and that was almost 5 years ago. They live about 2000 miles away, so it's not a quick trip, but they've hemmed and hawed about coming ever since Peepers was born. She's 10.5 months old and they haven't even met her yet. My mom has been 3 times since Peepers' birth, including 2 days after, and another visit a few weeks prior to that when I was on bedrest. And she's probably coming for Easter, and definitely in June for Doodlebug's birthday. She spends about 5-6 days here each visit, but we go on excursions and she spends a lot of time with DS.

So my point is...it varies so much in what the same generation thinks is an ok amount to visit and what to do while visiting. I know it's harder for MILs because it's a far different dynamic with a daughter-in-law than a daughter.

The bottom line is that if you think she's visiting too much, then she is. It's your house, it's your baby, and you have to feel comfortable with your relationship. June is not that far away, and now is probably a good time for you to establish these boundaries.

[snoopy5386]

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Babies change sooo much over the course of that first year. Between 8.5 months and 1 year my DD learned to roll over, crawl, wave bye bye, point, eat tons of different foods, say her first words and tons of other things. As a grandparent I would feel sooo sad if I couldn't be there to experience those things with my grandchild. Look at it from her perspective - how would you feel in her shoes.
It is obvious she cares for and really loves your kid and wants to be a big part of your son's life. We've got 4 sets of grandparents (divorce) and we now live 3 hours away from "home" (moved when DD was 14 months, her 1st year we lived within an hour of everyone). My mom hasn't come to visit in about a year and a half (she says she is coming after our new baby is born in about a month), my Dad has visited twice in almost 3 years of us living here, my FIL and SMIL come down for half a day about 3-4 times a year and my MIL and SFIL come visit around 5-6 times a year for the weekend. We head "home" to visit everyone at least 4-6 times a year, usually more often. I LOVE it when MIL and SFIL come to visit. They don't "do" anything either - I don't expect them to, SFIL mostly watches tv, but MIL plays with and interacts with DD and I love to see their relationship grow. We are by far the closest with them since we see them the most. When they visit we just hang out with them - we all cook together, clean up together, etc. They watch DD for us so we can go out if we ask, have you asked your MIL to watch your DS? Maybe she thinks you aren't ready to leave him yet. You can't put it all on her - suggest stuff to her - going on outings, etc. It is hard because your son is still so small but as he grows they'll be able to do more things together.
She buys you food and cooks for you, what else do you want her to do? If you are not using the leftover food, after she leaves donate it to a foodbank. If she is flying in 4 days isn't that long of a visit, I love it when my ILs can take a day off and stay for a 3 day weekend. Would you feel the same way if this was your mom visiting vs your MIL?

[KempsMama]

My father's only seen DS, who is 2, twice. I would love it if he could have come five times, even though he drives me up a tree.

When he comes, he sort of takes over. Anything that needs repair or that we haven't been able to purchase he provides or fixes. He brings a TON of food (last time, he brought a 50 lb bag of rice we will be using for eternity). He also brings anything they aren't using anymore, with the intention that if we don't need it, we can sell it or give it to someone who might need it. When he's here, it's overwhelming. But he does it because I'm his little girl, DH is the son he never had, and DS is his grandson, and we mean the world to him and he wants the very best for all of us.

My father's diabetic, and had his 12th heart attack last week. Everytime he visits could be the last time I or my DS will ever see him. My son maybe too little to remember much, but the memories and photos are priceless to me, and will be to my DS some day too.

[batsister]

My son is eight months old. Since he's been born, my MIL has visited us four times and my mom has come three times. The usually stay about a week at a time. We have also gone "home" three times. The live 600 miles away btw. Yes, it can be a little stressful having ANYONE extra in your home, but they both cook, do laundry, enjoy the baby, watch him some of the time, etc. We also go see museums, etc, so the time ends up feeling short not long. Overall, we are happy that they are so interesed in their grandchild, and also appreciate the help and company. I agree with pp that you should go with your comfort level, but I do suggest trying to look at the positives and not base your feelings on what "seems" like too many visits. Babies really do change fast (as I'm sure you know!). Good luck with however you proceed.

[*Erin*]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Thank you for reminding me why I live in another country that requires plane travel and passports.

:LOL

to the OP, i think that seems like a LOT myself. especially when the visits are in your home. and especially when the relationship isn't particularly super fantastic and great with mil and you and with your LO. i think it's time to establish some boundaries that you are comfortable with. personally, i am not comfortable with the notion that i am obligated to be sharing my child(ren) with my family and inlaws as they wish. my kids are my kids more than they are someone's grandkids, harsh as that sounds to some. having family, especially my inlaws, in my house that much would be a major upheaval for me. i would be fine with visits that were shorter and that didn't mean i had to play host in my home.

my inlaws live about 2hrs away and we only do day visits, usually going to their house. we see them about once every 2 months, sometimes more or less.

good luck to you however you handle it.

[*Erin*]

oops
double posted

[Peace+Hope]

i'm wondering, if your MIL was more helpful while visiting, would you feel differently? perhaps you could engage your husband to talk with her about all the things you need, and ask her about doing certain things. if presented properly, and she's not easily offended, it could work out great! like one PP said, maybe she just needs more direction, and you shouldn't assume that just b/c she isn't as helpful as you'd like that she doesn't want to be.

sounds like she's SORT of helpful, and sort of not. imo, if someone is in your house, you should feel ok to want the balance of their being there to be beneficial to you, not just a hobby for them, ESPECIALLY family.

and why not just ask her to only buy stuff she plans on cooking while she's there, so she doesn't leave a lot of leftovers that will be wasted once she's gone? keep a grocery list of things YOU would buy obvious, so if she can't NOT stock up for you, at least it's stuff you'll use...

seems like from your post that some communication could go a long way. hope it turns out for the best for everyone!

[mamadelbosque]

IDK. We see DH's mom & family every couple months which is fine - I get along with them great 9x out of 10, and when their here we usually just go out (our house is kinda small and they tend to stay in local hotels etc), but when we go and stay with them we cook - she plans what we're having and I help to cook it however I can And of course we go out some too, but when we're there I try to help with the cooking AND cleaning and just general 'stuff' that needs done

My mother on the other hand is a whole nother can of worms and I won't derail your thread on it (but your welcome to read my coming-soon thread and lemme know what you think

[Astraia]

How about if you call her up and say, "it's great that you're coming, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, I need lots of help! Stuff I just can't do without another set of hands! Do you want to know what it is now, or shall I just tell you when you arrive?" I remember my grandma would come visit my parents. She didn't want to offend mom by cleaning or helping out (my mom offends easily, she'd see it as grandma saying she's a lousy housekeeper) so she sat around. A lot. She was bored to tears. That's probably why your MIL is on the phone so much. It's not HER house, she doesn't know where things go or how best to help you. Not like your own mother would, your own mother wouldn't worry about offending because she knows you better. So give your MIL a list of stuff to do. Give her a grocery list, and warn her in advance that you don't get creative with food because of time constraints or whatever so she should really just stick to that list. You can ask for help without being pushy, and I bet she'd enjoy her trip more if she felt she was helping you. It's also easier to connect with people you don't see often when your hands are busy Good luck!!

[calpurnia]

Err, that doesn't seem too much to me. My mum comes down about once a month (she lives 3 hours away). My partner's mother comes down about once every 3 months (she lives 5 hours away).

[akind1]

For us, everyone is within 1/2 hour, 45 minute drive. 1st grandbaby and greatgrandbaby on both sides. That first year, I would expect lots of visits, after that they may slow down as partly the novelty wears off, and also, the time and expense to travel that far, that often will be greater than the benefits of seeing the grandbaby. I second skype, see if you can get that set up on both ends to make a good connection between visits, and maybe make the time between visits longer.

We see both my parents and DH's parents about once a week. We always see my parents at least once a week (they are closer, like 10 minutes away) and DH's are about a 1/2 hour away. We try to see them once a week, but that doesn't always happen, and while they understand, they just ITCH to see and hold him. The first month, they would come to our house more, like 3 times a week! which was a bit much for me, but MIL works insane hours for a financial firm, and couldn't keep that up. (thank God!) I feel awful when we can't see them, not that I enjoy their company THAT much, but I don't mind it, and MIL is very good to us. and DS loves FIL.

The hard part is fitting in the great-grandparents. DH's grandma is not that far away, (same area as my IL's) but it seems seeing her is a chore. We love her, but she always wants to give us stuff (not useful stuff, ever) and I have to lie to the poor lady b/c she wants us to leave DS (four months) with her and I don't think I can ever do that. she's got parkinson's and uses a walker or a cane, she has fallen several times, and she just CAN'T. and she honestly thinks we should (she repeasts this request, for us to leave the baby with her several times each visit). I don't know even when he's older I can do that, he'll be getting into things, and she can't keep up . . .and with Parkinson's, it is progressive, so who knows how her health will be as he gets older. I think we've seen her 3 times, maybe four? hospital, Christmas, and maybe 2 others. DH's other grandfather (divorce) hasn't seen DS at all. His wife's health is as bad or worse as his ex-wifes's and it is not often a good time to visit. They are 6 hours away, and it would be an overnight visit for us.

At anyrate, I don't think the amount of visits is unreasonable. I was LUCKY growning up if I saw my grandparents once every other year (now I think mom had it easy that way, less interference!) but I wish we could have known eachother better. I've only one grandparent left, my dad's dad, who I rarely see (but that's ok with both of us, he's a good guy, I guess, just sort of boring), but I wish I were closer with all of them growing up. I say donate the extra food, and ask for her help more. It can't hurt to try and see what she says, or if she does help.