Issues with *my* mother!! UGH!!

[mamadelbosque]

So, first a bit of backstory. The long and short of it is just that I don't get along with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of them stemming back to my parents' divorce when I was 15/16/17 and her attitude towards me & him (basicly, I was a pawn she used to be nasty to my dad).

But, mostly my problem is that my mother is extremely judgemental, manipulative, and she has mental health issues.

SO. All that said. She's been coming down and spending the night here 1x a week for the past oh, year or so now it seems (she lives 1 hour away...), I'm not entirely sure how this all started, other than last winter it was nasty a lot and it just kinda snowballed from there

Anyhow. While she's here she is *constantly* telling DH & I how we should do this with DS1/DS2 and this and this and we should not do that and tv is the devil, and we should read this book on parenting, and that book about tv/video games and we should be playing with DS1 constantly (like, 110% of his waking time we should be engaging him and helping him to play and play appropriatly (no guns! guns are evil!! ), and blah blah blah. And I'm just *done*.

So, on monday she started telling me this and that and I was just like 'mom stop. I don't care.' And so she went off on me on how I should listen to her cause' she's studied parenting for the past 20 yrs and taken all these classes and is a nurturing parenting instructor and read all these books and blah blah blah, and so she DOES know more than me and I should listen and just.. yeah.

I told her to leave. I did. And you know what? She refused!! Because its not my house (we live with my dad, so technically true), and my dad told her she could be here so I can't tell her to leave So, after a bit more arguing and her refusing to leave, I took my boys upstairs (at which point she said 'oh, now thats just mean!' ), and she finally left.

Of course, she called me the next day, crying on how she just doesn't understand why I'm not totally open to all her parenting info and she just doesn't know why we can't get along. At which point I told her she has a choice to make: Learn to keep her frigging mouth shut on how I & DH parent OUR kids or just *NOT* see us.

She started to go on about how she can't not tell us about all this 'beautiful information' and got all nasty and snappy (went from tears to nasty in 2 seconds flat - manipulative much?). And I hung up on her.

So then, last night my dad talks to my brother who apparently starts telling my dad how I "have to be nice to mom" (I've heard this bs before), because she has issues and is all upset and him & his wife and his moms wife have all been over to my moms house trying to console her and its just all my fault because *I'm* not nice enough to mom and I should just put up with her BS... and dad stuck up for us

And I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong? Should I let her come down and lecture us on parenting constantly? Because I just can't. Whenever she's here its not like I can get anything done cause' shes either making a royal frigging mess of my house (and no, she does *NOT* help to pick it up before she leaves), or lecturing me. WWYD??

Edit; Ugh. Sorry for the novel...

[elmh23]

I'd do the same thing you did and get callerid and then not answer her calls or your brothers. Just because someone has "issues" doesn't be they are not accountable for their actions.

[BlueWolf]

I'm of the mentality that just because someone is family doesn't mean you should just shut up and deal with their crap.

[atlantafemme]

Set your boundaries, make them known, and when she crosses them, put her in time out.

Which for me means reducing visits, limiting topics of conversation, and eventually saying, "If you can't be supportive, we cannot continue to have a relationship." I know some people believe in keeping up family relationships at all costs but I don't. Life is far too short and there are far too many wonderful, loving people in it for me to waste my time/energy w/anyone who makes me miserable.

I know this is easier said than done and I've had A LOT of practice now that I've been out for 10 years but it's like my therapist once said, "You can come back next week complaining about the same old behaviors of [Person] and I'll listen, or you could make some decisions and changes, and have a different life by this time next week." She was talking about by then girlfriend but the advice stuck with me.

Good luck!

[seashells]

You did fine. I've been standing up to my mother lately too. Do they really want a relationship where we absolutely dread visits? Isn't it better for us to assert our boundaries and get basic respect?

[Tummy]

It is very hard to deal with manipulative parents, hard to deal with pushy parents, hard to deal with the 'mother gut wound'!

I also have a strained relationship with my mother. My partner summed her up with one word.. ABRASIVE! (like a freaking 50 grit belt sander!!!)

She recently, in the past few weeks, has changed a lot. She is working on 'her' and I see a difference. It is nice. She has gone from a 50 grit to approximately 100 grit!

I believe you are right. You have to protect yourself and your children. IF anyone else was being that pushy and obnoxious towards you and your DH about 'how to parent your children' would you have allowed it to get to the point where YOU have to stomp your foot down and make a stand against them?
As adult children, many of us feel 'we' we are to still abide by our parents words. Often it is hard to stand up to your own mother/father in a strained situation. However, you are now the mother of two children. You are the one who has to live and learn through your own experiences how to parent your children in your own way!

Have you ever had a conversation with your mother (letters work GREAT for parents who will not let you get your point across with out interruption!) telling her that you appreciate her point of view, but you are now a parent and have different views than she does. That you understand that she has 'all this experience', but you are doing your best as a mom to make the best choices/decisions for YOUR children? That you will take 'her "advise" into consideration' and speak it over with your DH. That she needs to understand that your parenting style is not text book, that just because 'she' feels it is the way it should be does not mean that it is the way for your family.......

Best wishes honey!

[cristeen]

Drawing boundaries can be difficult, particularly when the rest of the family insists on getting involved. You need to draw boundaries with all of them. It is not easy, there will probably be a fair amount of backlash, and you will be painted as the bad guy. But I encourage you to continue to stick up for yourself.

I had to do this a few years ago, and the backlash meant that I no longer have contact with any of that part of the family... it's been 3 years. They've been the most peaceful 3 years of my life. It's not how I would have chosen to go about it, but it's worked beautifully.

[1stBabyAt39]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

I'm of the mentality that just because someone is family doesn't mean you should just shut up and deal with their crap.

As much as Dr. Laura bugs me, that is one thing I agree with her on. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them if they are controlling and manipulative.

I agree that your mom needs to be told that she can only see you & your children if she agrees to stop pushing her child-raising advice on you. (After all, her method clearly did not work so well if she was using you to get to your father!) Good luck!

[maptome]

I'm so sorry. My dad has some mental health issues but is undiagnosed. I'm learning to just ignore him, and oddly enough, having a baby has made our relationship better. But it's only because he doesn't think he's a parenting expert like your mother does. My only advice is to learn to tune her out. I know it's hard because she's your mother. I don't want to accept that my dad is crazy. I always want to tell him how he's crazy to "fix" him because he's my dad. But really, try to not even listen to what she says. s

[tinybutterfly]

Your mom needs to realize she had her time to raise her family. Now it's your turn to raise your children the way you see fit.

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is a terrific book that might be helpful to you.

Even if she has mental health issues you have the right to set your boundaries.

Good luck.

P.S. The book is from a Christian perspective, so if you aren't a Christian and you are uncomfortable with that I wanted to let you know. It's kind of like how can I set boundaries and still be a nice, good person.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by mamadelbosque

At which point I told her she has a choice to make: Learn to keep her frigging mouth shut on how I & DH parent OUR kids or just *NOT* see us.

Exactly right. And stick to it.


Also, it's none of your brother's business, or his wife's business, or anyone's business. The way you parent YOUR children is YOUR business. If she can't accept that, she needs a "time-out" until she can.

[mamadelbosque]

Thanks to everyone for their support and understanding - its good to hear that I'm not totally crazy/off base with my ultimatum of sorts. I just don't know what else to do... I just can't keep going on like this just for her mental health - I can't let myself be responsible for *HER* health yk? If she has a break down over this, its just not my fault!! And *thats* where my brother seems to think differntly - that its up to *me* to keep mom from going crazy by just putting up with her bs and 'being nice' And I just. can't. do it!!

Oh, and sorry mods, when I posted I totally thought I was in the general parenting forum, not lwab

[Path2Felicity]

Okay, I might be in the minority here, and I mean absolutely no offense, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

But I have two thoughts in my head (given I know nothing about your situation or your mother):

1) Maybe your mother has some good points to take into consideration. If she has good advice, maybe it's best not to reject just because it's coming from her, kwim?

2) Maybe she's trying to make up for something in her relationship with you. That is perhaps why she's a little over the top. I don't know about your relationship with your mom though... is it too late to salvage?

I come from a culture where it's considered normal for mom/dad to give their children parenting advice. My mom often tells me things I disagree with. Sometimes I'll tell her no, I don't agree, and then tell her why, but try to be as respectful as possible. Other times, I'll nod and agree and just pick my battles. For example, my mom can not understand why I am not doing vaccinations for the time being. I try to explain to her, but she still isn't really into listening to me. So I just avoid the subject now and if she brings it up, I'll just nod and wait for another topic of discussion to come up.

But, of course, I, overall, have a really healthy relationship with my mom. I don't know what your situation is, so I hope I didn't come off as judgmental!