Disagreeing with DH about parenting - Need book recommendations

[SoulCakes]

Argh.

DH gets into these moods where he turns into the house police. Our daughter (5) gets into lots of stuff around the house, but it's gotten to the point where today he called out from the bathroom, "Why is there a cotton ball out of its container?" in this authoritarian tone of voice. I told him I let her have the cotton ball, and by the way, it's a COTTON BALL. Who cares?! He said he's being consistent by harping on everything that she's messed with that she knows she's not supposed to; I say he needs to pick his battles.

My argument is that focusing on consistency at the expense of having a loving, caring relationship with your child is detrimental. He thinks that consistency in itself is crucial enough to wipe away any damage inflicted by said consistency.

I think he's wrong.

I admit that when he shuts down and just says, "I don't agree with you" and walks away, I'm filled with rage (I keep it to myself, don't worry). This is a deal-breaker for me. She's not his biological child, and while I want him to parent from his own perspective and with his own style, he doesn't just get to adopt reactionary parenting strategies without being informed or without my agreement. He's never even read a book about parenting!

Which brings me to my question: what good parenting books espouse gentle parenting methods based on current child psychology? Please, please throw out any suggestions. He's very traditional (he doesn't believe in corporal punishment, of course, or I never would have married him), so it's important that the books be based in current psychological research.

Oy.

Thanks.

[Apple Girl]

I was just browsing at the bookstore the other day, and liked what "Scream Free Parenting" had to say. The basic premise was that you are the adult and in charge of controlling your own reactions to what people do, and ultimately your kids learn how to act by watching how you act (they do as you do, not how you tell them to do). I haven't read the whole thing yet, was just browsing, but thought it was a good read.

Just don't ask why I picked it up in the first place .


One that I liked that I did finish was "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". An old standby, it talks about giving your kids responsibility and treating them respectfully. Obviously again, belittling and nitpicking doesn't work; the authors have practical suggestions on how to things in a more productive manner.

[seashells]

Maybe it's just me but I'm thinking a book won't help. I mean, I'm picturing my husband trying to prove to me we should spank DD or let her CIO - he could come up with books, no problem. I'd just wave them away and say "I'm not interested in your books."

Consistency IS important. The mistake he makes is confusing consistency with nitpicking. He can be dead consistent without making a big deal out of every little thing. Unfortunately his "consistency" will backfire if your DD comes to the conclusion (which she no doubt will, some day) that nothing is every good enough for her stepfather, so why bother. "I know he will freak out... who cares... he freaks out all the time over stupid cotton balls."

Picking your battles isn't inconsistent, is more like ... reality. Kids still understand what is really not ok. They aren't going to suddenly burn down the house or paint the walls with poop and lipstick just because they weren't scolded for leaving a cotton ball out.

No person (child or adult) is perfect, and to expect perfection of them guarantees failure. And when a person is guaranteed to fail they will either internalize it ("I suck") or externalize it ("you suck"). Either way, it's not the desired outcome at all.

I don't know if this is good advice or not but I think I'd just calmly pronounce things not a big deal. If you hear your DH yelling or grumping about something, I'd go over and just say "hey, this is not a big deal, DD, can you just put the cotton ball back."

[robin3]

One of the best books I've found that may help is Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are Worth it". It's easy and funny to read and the whole first part of the book helps you look at how you were raised and what to do to change. She talks about how the goal is to be a "backbone" parent, firm but flexible. Most of us were raised in either "brickwall", (you WILL do what I say because I said so) or "jellyfish" households (let your kids do whatever they want with no guidelines). She shows you how to find balance, to be consistant, to discipline without hitting, and keep everyone's self-esteem intact, including yours! It's helped us alot!

[Mirzam]

Beyond Consequences by Helen T Forbes. It is actually written for parents with kids with severe behavior issues, but it applies to all children. Basically, it is a love-based approach, and IMHO, all relationships, especially parenting should come from a place of unconditional love. I also love Pure Joy Parenting blog by Leslie Potter, she is in the process of writing a book which I am really looking forward to reading.

[allisonrose]

No advice; subbing to see the recommendations

[Tigerchild]

Another "will he really even be interested in a book" question here.

Parenting books really seem geared for and primarily consumed by women. (I know there are men that read them, just speaking in generalities here) A lot of relationship books are, and I kind of think that parenting books are very similar to relationship books in many ways.

I think this might be something you might just have to have an ongoing conversation about. Maybe you could also look into a lecture/speaker that you enjoy and arrange for dinner-and-speaker date or something (though next time let him pick a movie or bowling or something HE likes to do).

A book won't replace a good counselor or family therapist, and with your blended family, that might be a good thing to look into, especially since it's (understandably) bringing out the mama bear. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you, then I think counseling might be a very good thing--to both help you guys argue fairly, to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation, and to help you help your dd and him negotiate their relationship (or worse case scenario, to help minimize the impact on her if you separate).

[TinkerBelle]

I don't read parenting books, for the most part. I don't think that it makes me less of a parent, either.

I think that your husband is nitpicking, but I agree with him about consistency. When kids know what is expected of them and what to expect, at least in my house, life is a lot easier.

[CarrieMF]

everything that she's messed with that she knows she's not supposed to

If there's stuff she knows she's not supposed to get into & she gets into it then I agree with your DH. By only giving consequences part of the time she's going to learn that the rules don't really matter & she can keep pushing them all. She's going to learn that yeah I *may* get in trouble, but I *may not* get in trouble. She's 5, not 1 or 2 & she needs consistency in the rules.

[SoulCakes]

Oh my goodness, thanks everyone for the advice!

Originally Posted by seashells

Maybe it's just me but I'm thinking a book won't help. I mean, I'm picturing my husband trying to prove to me we should spank DD or let her CIO - he could come up with books, no problem. I'd just wave them away and say "I'm not interested in your books."

Consistency IS important. The mistake he makes is confusing consistency with nitpicking. He can be dead consistent without making a big deal out of every little thing. Unfortunately his "consistency" will backfire if your DD comes to the conclusion (which she no doubt will, some day) that nothing is every good enough for her stepfather, so why bother. "I know he will freak out... who cares... he freaks out all the time over stupid cotton balls."

Picking your battles isn't inconsistent, is more like ... reality. Kids still understand what is really not ok. They aren't going to suddenly burn down the house or paint the walls with poop and lipstick just because they weren't scolded for leaving a cotton ball out.

No person (child or adult) is perfect, and to expect perfection of them guarantees failure. And when a person is guaranteed to fail they will either internalize it ("I suck") or externalize it ("you suck"). Either way, it's not the desired outcome at all.

I don't know if this is good advice or not but I think I'd just calmly pronounce things not a big deal. If you hear your DH yelling or grumping about something, I'd go over and just say "hey, this is not a big deal, DD, can you just put the cotton ball back."

Very good advice, thanks. Fortunately, hubby loves books. He's an academic, and has high respect for good research, hence the emphasis on parenting books based on child psychology. Someone said that a lot of parenting books are like relationship books, and I totally agree - but some are more "officially" child-development-centric than others, and those are the ones I'm hoping to find.

I'll definitely check out all the books recommended.

We're also going to go to a couples/family therapist for a few rounds, just to get us on the same page communication-wise. He argues for a living, and I by my very role as mother am heavily emotionally invested in the subject, so when we discuss parenting it sometimes implodes before we even get started. After I wrote this post in a huff, I went downstairs and brought it up again. Apparently I had already convinced him that he didn't know as much as he "should" (and it says something that I was too worked up to even notice!). We talked some more about quality vs. quantity of discipline and how to be consistent without coming across as a meanie pants. He's totally up for therapy and reading some books with me.

I really hope therapy will help because it's so hard to watch him discipline her - he isn't mean-hearted at all, he thinks he's just doing the right thing. And I, admittedly, am somewhat sensitive. AND my daughter's a total handful. So hopefully therapy will give us both some perspective, and teach us a few things about communicating with each other effectively.

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I don't read parenting books, for the most part. I don't think that it makes me less of a parent, either.

Honestly, I don't read parenting books either, but I need reinforcements here! It'll open a good dialogue between the two of us, as well, if we're both reading the same book and can discuss what we do and don't agree with, and why. For many couples, I'm sure it's not an issue, but in our case our styles are so vastly different that we need some outside perspective.

Thanks again, everyone, for all the recommendations and advice! I will definitely be checking them all out.

[seashells]

Well, that sounds promising!!

[zinemama]

I think the best book for you is The Secret of Parenting by Anthony Wolfe.

http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Parenti.../dp/0374527083

Your husband will like it because the author states very frankly upfront that children can be annoying and bratty (I realize some here don't like these terms but the shoe often fits, imo. I had no patience for books where the children were all delicate flowers).


He then goes on to say that everything we know about children and child development tells us that hitting is absolutely terrible and should never, ever be done; likewise other harsh techniques.

He gives lots of very good, very practical advice, all based on loving understanding of your child and what's going on developmentally. Plus, he's got a sense of humor. This would be a good book for the two of you to read together.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

One of the best things that DH and I did was take a parenting class together. Not because we felt like we "needed" it but because it gave us a way to talk about discipline in general in a calm, controlled environment with examples, not in the heat of the moment with a real kid standing in the middle. We actually did this with the couple who are designated guardians for the kids so that we ALL know what page we are on and we all speak the same language. It was really helpful.

[MamaKickyPants]

Do you think Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn would be too out there for him? It's definitely backed with lots of research, and is very well annotated and foot-noted. Or you could just check Kohn's extensive bibliography for relevant academic articles to show DH? You have research in your favour! Pretty much all up-to-date peer-reviewed psychological research on these topics will support your perspective

[TiredX2]

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