Frustration

[kbond]

I need some tips on how to deal with my now 18 month old's increasing frustration. She seems to be frustrated constantly, and she screams a lot because things aren't going her way.

My husband, who is the primary stay at home parent, feels like he needs to start some type of discipline system so that she doesn't learn that screaming is how to get what she wants. I'm more skeptical that anything like that could possibly work because I'm not sure that developmentally she can put that type of thing together yet. On the other hand, he's the one who has to deal with her all day.

Thoughts?

[MamaPhD]

I don't know if you provided enough details in your OP, but here are some thoughts....

1. How is your DD communicating her wants/needs other than screaming? Does she say words or sign at all? My feeling is that she may seem frustrated because she is! My 16 mo DD LOVES talking and signing all day long. If she couldn't, yeah, she would be screaming with frustration.

2. Another thought is, is she pooping regularly? I've just read in a magazine about kids who have bad chronic type constipation showing behavioral issues such as screaming and being moody.

3. Lastly, how is your DH handling your DD's frustration and screaming? If DD only gets what she wants from screaming to DH, then he is encouraging her to continue that behavior. Also I've read you should completely ignore screaming and tantrums because they may get fueled by attention they get, including disciplinary actions. My 16 mo DD has mini tantrums (less than 1 minute) rarely and I just totally act like she is not even in the room. DD very quickly realizes it's useless to continue.

Good luck!

[angelandmisha]

Another vote for signing. We used Baby Signing Time DVDs and loved them. I think it was really helpful to be able to communicate better and it was super easy to pick up(for me as the patent, I mean). You can get the videos at www.babysigningtime.com. I think that really helped with frustration.

What do their days look like? Is it possible she's bored and would like different things to do? If you have a Music Together program in your area, that is also a wonderful program. It is designed to develop basic musical competence in young children. The classes ate mixed age patent/child 45-minute classes. I can't say enough great things about it! We love it and i don't know exactly how to describe it, but have found that using the songs at home can help with tantrums. It was designed by a researcher and a composer, so is very sound in it's approach developmentally. They have free demo classes you can check out to see what you think.

[kbond]

She has a few words, mostly unrelated to her needs. For example, her favorite words is cat at the moment. (And, we do not have a cat.) Every time we do something like feed her, change her diaper, etc., we also give her the word to ask for it later, but that doesn't seem to be working too well. And, she is completely uninterested in signing. We've been doing the signs, as well as the words, for 8 months now, and she just won't.

So, she communicates by pointing and babbling mostly. I'd say she's very verbal as well; she's been babbling in sentence form for a while now, but when she really, really wants something, she is most inclined to scream.

And, she is pooping regularly. She poops 2-3 times a day actually.

DH handles her screaming, usually, by ignoring her for a little bit, then in a pause, gently asking her if she wants X, gives her the word for it, and then gives her whatever it is. Or, sometimes, he just gives her what she's asking for. It's usually pretty clear. And, very rarely, if she's not asking for food or water, he just ignores her.

So, the OP was more about asking how to start dealing consistently with this. We don't want her to think that screaming is the appropriate way to get what she wants. But, I do believe that part of the screaming is really just frustration because she can't quite communicate yet. And, I'm not really convinced that we can start disciplining her this early.

[kbond]

Originally Posted by angelandmisha

What do their days look like? Is it possible she's bored and would like different things to do? If you have a Music Together program in your area, that is also a wonderful program. It is designed to develop basic musical competence in young children. The classes ate mixed age patent/child 45-minute classes. I can't say enough great things about it! We love it and i don't know exactly how to describe it, but have found that using the songs at home can help with tantrums. It was designed by a researcher and a composer, so is very sound in it's approach developmentally. They have free demo classes you can check out to see what you think.

I don't think she's bored. We realized pretty early on that she was an extrovert who liked/needed to go out every day so despite the fact that he's not, my DH does take her out every day for at least one activity. She's in a co-op class 1x a week and a really great dance class 1x a week, and that's all we can afford class wise. Then, we have an Aquarium membership, zoo membership, and Children's Museum membership, and they go to 2 of those a week usually. And, finally, the park. We have a neighborhood park that they go to as well. Then, when I get home, she usually goes out with me on any errands and we take a walk.

[Code Name Mama]

Don't give up on the signs - we did signs with our son for over a year before finally had a signing explosion. He went from something like 15 or 20 signs to well over 100 in a span of 2-3 months - it was just like his later verbal word explosion.

I think it's easy to forget that toddlers at that age have feelings, wants, desires, needs, just like we do - but too often they don't have the tools to communicate them. Imagine what it would be like to want to urgently tell someone something, but you couldn't figure out how to do it.

Now imagine what it would be like to have that same urgent need HUNDREDS of times each day.

Of COURSE you're going to have emotional outbursts! What else can we expect? Encourage your husband to be gentle with her. I know it's frustrating, but think of how rewarding it will be once he starts communicating with her! Patience will pay off.

[marispel]

My DS is 19 months old and we've been signing with him since he was 7 or 8 months old. He never signed one time until about 17 months...out of the blue he signed Shoes. We got so excited we asked him to do water, eat, fish...low and behold he started signing away. It just exploded. We watch the Signing Times Videos..he had been watching Disk 1 and 2 and I immediately got the 3rd one. He watched the 3rd video a couple signs and knew more of the sigs than I did. Crazy! So...you never know.

[K1329]

You state that your dh is concerned about your dd learning that screaming is a way to get what she wants. As long as she doesn't, I really don't think it will be a problem for long. IME, most toddlers go through a phase of screaming in response to not getting their way. As long as your dh doesn't "give in" and let the screaming change his mind about his original answer, I think it will resolve itself on its own.

I also agree with you that 18 months is a little early to start a "discipline program", but, there are many folks who take an interest in this topic on the Gentle Discipline board. Might get some age appropriate techniques there.

[simplycrunchy]

I think it's very important to acknowledge her frustration instead of just totally ingoring her. DD (2 1/2) went through a phase where she screamed/melted down a lot. We tried ignoring her and 1. it didn't work and 2. I felt bad ignoring her strong feelings. I think there is a huge difference between screaming out of frustration and screaming to manipulate. I've read part of [U]Unconditional Parenting[U] by Alfie Kohn and he says to always assume the best possible motive for a behavior, so instead of assuming DD is trying to manipulate us, we dealt with her screaming by calmly stating "You must be feeling frustrated bc _______" or "You're screaming bc you want ________" There were enough times that we couldn't give her what she wanted (like when she was screaming to get out of the carseat) that we felt like it was okay to give in sometimes. As she learned to communicate more, she realized how much easier it was to tell us what she wanted than to scream about it. She still screams/cries about stuff sometimes, but what toddler doesn't. Now that she's old enough, we're gently teaching her to use words even when she's really upset by saying "I hear that you are really angry but mommy can't understand what you need without your words." I think the most important thing is to validate a child's feelings/need to express themselves. I want to be the safe person in dd's life who can take her screaming and ranting. When she's 16 and crying bc a boyfriend broke up with her, I want coming to me with her frustrations to be a natural thing with her. So for now, I listen, sit close, and try to judge what to do on a case by case basis.

[intunement]

23 month old

My son is 23 months old and while he speaks a lot of words (related to his desires) he often resorts to whining, grunting, fussing, crying, screaming, etc. when he wants something. It's like he regresses when he can't figure out a way to do it himself (and needs our help). Anyway, we just ask him to use words, and ask him what he wants and try to give him what he wants. It hasn't gotten bad, but I know how you and your hubby are feeling.

One thing I am wondering - if it is pretty obvious what she wants, do you think your husband could give it to her before she starts screaming? I noticed around that age with my son that I was trying to force him to verbally communicate with me (when I knew he wasn't really able to yet) and I didn't acknowledge the other forms of communication he was using. He wasn't signing any official signs, but by gesturing and pointing, he was communicating what he wanted. When I started recognizing his attempts at communication (even if they weren't words or official signs), and honoring his desires, that seemed to help us get along better.