2 Yr old MONSTER!

[lmj928]

Since my son was about 7 months old I could see his personality was a little more difficult than other babies. He was already crawling and getting into Everything, and if I took something away from him, he'd already throw a mini tantrum (like cell phone for instance) instead of just accepting it was gone. It only got worse and worse...he's very moody and difficult to deal with. I am not even sure if it's normal behavior anymore.

He's currently 28 months old and we're having problems with our bedtime and morning routines especially. He goes to daycare during the day, and they say he does very well there and isn't difficult for them at all. As soon as me and DH walk in the door, he starts throwing toys, shoving kids, won't let us get him dressed, etc. Sometimes he cries the whole way home, depending on the day. Usually he cries at least part of the way home (he says he wants a certain food or toy which we don't have in the car. I offer him alternatives and try to explain to him but he goes on and on until we get home). We can not get him to bed at a decent time. I've tried everything - bedtime routine w/ bath, brush teeth, books, etc, trying to wear him out before bed with lots of physical activity, trying to cut out naps or shorten naps at daycare - nothing has helped. I lay with him in bed at 8 PM and it can take up to 2 hours for him to fall asleep. He spends those 2 hours talking, rolling around, wanting to nurse, crying about me not letting him or giving him a 1 min limit, etc, then he comes up with things he *needs* - he suddenly needs to eat this or that, he wants a certain toy, he wants a sippy cup, he wants something ridiculous like a screwdriver or a scissors...it's exhausting for me and sometimes I end up snapping at him/yelling, and just giving up and letting him stay up as long as he wants (which is until we all just go to bed, nowadays usually around 9:30 or 10). or sometimes he'll fall asleep around the same time. He has his own twin bed in the next room but has yet to sleep there an entire night without me in the bed. We usually have to wake him up in order to get to work on time, by 6:45 AM. It's not enough sleep for a 2 yr old I'm sure, from 9:30 PM to 6:45 AM, (and usually then we still end up being late, so ideally he'd have to wake up by 6:30 and be in a good mood) and he's very crabby in the mornings. Everything is a struggle, from just waking up, getting out of bed, changing his diaper (and the diaper change thing is an all-the-time problem for us now - when we need to do it, he has a big meltdown, no matter what technique we try, and in the end we usually have to physically hold him down while he's screaming and kicking, trying to change his diaper), getting dressed, putting shoes/coat on, going in the car...sometimes he cries all the way to daycare. Usually when he gets there he's just fine though and they say he calms down quickly. He ends up taking 3 hour naps most days, but I can't blame him b/c i'm sure he's overly tired. Then we come to pick him up, repeat the cycle...by the end of the week, he's a Monster to deal with. And we have no life, we just rush to work in the morning, rush back to get him, deal w/ his crabby mood all night long, struggle for hours to get him to sleep, and we're exhausted and sleeping by the time he is as well. We used to take time to watch a TV show or go onlien for a few mins but haven't done that in months. We also have a lot of trouble getting him to eat. We offer him a lot of things but he usually won't even take one bite. I just can't force him to eat. He's very thin, like 25 lbs and tall. So he is probably hungry on top of being overly tired. He craves candy and chocolate and cries and cries for them every day. we try to keep them out of the house so we don't give in to him. I have a night class on Mon/Wed until 8 PM and that complicates things even more (not to mention, I have no time to get my homework done).

I'm also 6 months pregnant now and so tired of all this & scared for the future. I have no idea how it's going to work w/ a new baby in the house. I am hoping to get him in his own bed, but have no idea how we'll actually do it.

So I'm venting here and also hoping that anyone else who has experience w/ this type of issue and has any ideas what I can do about it to make it a little better. Some weeks are better than others, this one has been just horrible though.

Thanks!!

[marispel]

My DS becomes a little monster when he is hungry or over-tired. Period.

How long is he napping at daycare?
What time does he wake up from his nap?
What and how much is he eating at daycare?

What WILL he eat?

[lmj928]

He takes 3 hr naps usually from 1 PM - 4 PM (and they have to wake him up at 4 or he'd continue to sleep longer). A month ago or so we told the daycare to pls shorten his naps b/c he is very difficult at night, but it didn't seem to help at all (tried it for about 2 weeks). On the weekends he takes much shorter naps, about 1-2 hrs and earlier, but that doesn't seem to help much either (weekends are only a couple days and I'm sure it takes longer than that to make a different though).

He eats OK at daycare as far as they tell me, he likes meat & pasta, will not eat veggies at all, eats some fruits (oranges, bananas, blueberries), and of course wants things like chocolate, fruit snacks (annie's)/strips, and juice. He does not want to drink milk while at home (has about 4-10 oz total at daycare during the day of cow's milk), even though I'm pretty sure he's getting next to nothing when he nurses from me.

[marispel]

I'm sure he is napping that long because he is not sleeping at night long enough...vicious circle. I would think the first thing to do is to cut the nap back to 1.5-2 hrs and no sleeping past 3 pm. After a couple days of this i would think he would be ready for bed and hopefully sleep longer

How does he do with snacks? Crackers, cereal, cereal bars, peanut butter?

When DS gets home from daycare - around 5:00, I immedeiately give him a small snack...nothing past 5:15 or 5:20. Then we have dinner at 5:45 or 6:00 (last night it was 6:15 and he had a total melt down...too hungry). If he doesn't eat much, then I offer another snack before bath (usually around 7:15). My DS is a picky eater as well. I know he will eat Chicken Nuggets or Grilled Cheese or PBJ...so those are one of the three options I try at night. He also eats crackers and fruit, so he gets that. He likes yogurt..so we try that. He too, REFUSES to even TRY new food. I have been known to shove a piece in his mouth...I know, I know, but you know what...he liked it (that was a PB&J). I don't do it often, but once in a great while I do shove it in.

Will your DS take a bottle? If so, would it be possible to give him a bedtime bottle? Not sure if that is something you want to start...but it truly soothes my DS to sleep and fills his little belly. We're hoping to stop this soon, but he loves it so much...I just am in no rush to take this away.

Also - as far as bedtime goes and all the "requests" he is making. IDK, but I think you need to stop all of this. It doesn't seem to be helping, so why continue doing it. I was posting to another mommy about bedtime is bedtime. So after the bath, bedtime stories and going to bed, that's where he stays. If he gets out of bed...you march him back to bed and tell him "it's bedtime time". If he gets out again...put him back in bed and say "bedtime"...nothing more needs to be communicated. If he gets out again..no words, you just put him back to bed, again and again and again. It could take 20 times, it could take a few tears, but you keep being consistent. He must learn that it is bedtime and not playtime, sippy time, screwdriver time. He WILL eventually fall asleep. It will take a couple nights of this, but again consistency is the key.

I think, as long as there is no medical conditions, that you just need to get into new habits...break the cycle that isnt' working and start a new one. Stick to it and hopefully he'll start sleeping better and eating better.

.....not sure if this is helpful or not....

[FLmommyathome]

I think Marispel is dead on. I was all prepared to write out a response, but she did it for me...Good luck mama!

[prancie]

I'd consider quitting my job and staying home with him. It sounds miserable for him to be hauled out of bed so early to spend the day away and then come home to a struggle over bedtime. That sounds sad. I'm sure I will get flamed over this but I don't care. We are parents first and foremost and your little guy is really struggling. I think the problem you are having is with his nap, but how can you make him nap earlier or shorter at daycare when you aren't there? And how can you make up for the day you didn't spend with him if you are tired from work and ready for him to go to bed?

[lmj928]

Thanks everyone for your responses They were very helpful.

I've even tried bottles, but since he never took one as a baby, he wont' take one now either (except to chew on it and then try to unscrew it/shake it/spill it). The food thing goes in spurts sometimes, which I guess is sort of normal for this age - one week he'll eat great, then the next I don't know how he survives. He doesn't like anything w/ bread (sandwich, toast, etc) or crackers really so we lose out on lots of opportunities there.

Yeah, I was stay at home mom from the time he was born until he was about 2 yrs old, and would have loved to be for longer. I watched another child in my home to make up for some of the income loss, but it wasn't enough and I eventually had to go to work or we wouldn't be able to make it. He had never had anyone else watch him before starting daycare full time, but luckily the transition was very smooth...except for the schedule Unfortunately I can't change it, my job and my husband's job are not flexible at all about the time we need to be there (8 AM - 5 PM w/ an almost 1 hr drive each way w/ dropping our son off). Very long day, I know...and it's exhausting. I plan to work until I have the next baby in late June, then I'll be a SAHM for a couple months at least and although things will be complicated having a newborn, there will be some benefits as well.

We'll keep trekking along...some weeks go very smoothly, but this one has been harder than usual for everyone, but it felt better to get things written out there. Thanks for reading!

[simplycrunchy]

It sounds to me like you are pretty stressed out (who wouldn't be trying to manage going back to work, being pregnant, and dealing with a toddler). I think it's really important to take a step back and remember he's a toddler. DD has a very similiar personality and when I start thinking negatively about it, it's impossible to deal with. No toddler is easy, but some of us have more challenging toddlers than others. I used to (and sometimes still do) envy my friends who have "easy" kids. The thing is, our kiddos are never going to be pushed into bad decisions by others when they grow up. The things that drive you nuts about him now are things that are going to give him awesome survival skills later in life. He'll be able to do anything he wants career wise because he won't stop at anything.

Dr. Sears talks a lot about kids of working parents having trouble going to sleep- which makes sense if he was used to you being home. What you see as being definiant/annoying at night is his way of getting his needs met- he feels that he needs more of you and is going to get it anyway he can. Negative interaction is better than none in a toddler's eyes. Is there any way you can start the bedtime routine earlier? Say do a crockpot dinner or something easy/quick, eat, play for a few or something but then try to be in bed by 7:30-8:00, then spend a full hour just cudding, being calmly silly, reading, but make sure he knows that you want it to be spending time with you guys- not forcing him to sleep. With dd, we can either spend two hours fighting her staying awake, or enjoy the time with her. She'll still go to sleep at the same time either way.

I'd strongly recommend not trying to get him in his own bed yet or pushing the "fall asleep quietly by yourself" thing- he went from having a full-time mom to only seeing you for a few stressed out hours a day aside from weekends. Soon he'll be dealing with sharing you with another baby. That's tough stuff for a kiddo. Imagine if you were used to spending every waking moment with your hubby, then all of a sudden, without you understanding why, he was gone a lot, you were in a strange place, and you had to be away from him all night in a different room too.

I don't say any of this to make you feel bad- you can't help having to work. But if I understand the reason's behind dd's behavior I can empathize with how she's feeling and deal with it a lot better. Good luck :-)

[mamadelbosque]

I know that this my seem counter-intuitive and totally not ap... but have you considerd trying to have him fall asleep by himself *w/o* you in the bed/room? I know around that age a year ago I realized if I just gave him a hug a kiss and said 'goodnight ds1 its time to goto sleep' and left the room, he'd cry for about 30 seconds, then roll over and go to sleep! I discoverd this out of desperation - because he was/is the same way. If you lay down with him it will take *HOURS* for him to fall asleep. Or, you can just say 'goodnight' and he'll be out in 5....

Just something to try.

[Dandelionkid]

Or maybe he is developmentally ready to fall asleep on his own, maybe he needs it at this stage, and OP may be having trouble helping him to that point because of guilt over being away at work. My kids have always "told" us that it is time to be put down for sleep time (vs staying with them until asleep) by taking a LONG time falling asleep if we were with them. It couldn't hurt to try putting him down and checking on him every few minutes to help him get to sleep without you. Some kids get too revved up with ANY kind of interaction at night to sleep.
It might be worth a try, along with a shortened nap at daycare and maybe an earlier bedtime (by 7 for sure, maybe even 630 to avoid the "overtired" energy)
Good luck OP. When I work, it feels really good to cuddle my kids at night. I consider this important bonding time- can you bring him into your bed for awhile?

[lilmom]

Hugs Mama.I am so sorry y'all are having such a tough time. I wanted to say, number, one, this can and will get better!

My DS is 32 months. He is a very "strong-willed" or "spirited" child and he has a very hard time relaxing enough to go to sleep at night too, but we have learned some ways to deal with it. I definitely second the idea of easy crock-pot dinners or something that can be put together quickly so that you can get the night-night routine going by 7pm. Also, maybe your son does need a nap but I am thinking his nap is WAY too long. My DS actually stopped taking a nap at 15 months and it helped tremendously with the nighttime routine. He does start getting really tired about 5:30pm but I just let him relax and wind down by reading books or sometimes we watch a DVD until supper. Anyway I would go back to cutting that nap down, no matter how cranky he is for a week or so, stick with it. It will get better.

As far as his eating habits, does he have allergies? My son has some food allergies and eczema problems and he can be a picky eater. Have you tried giving him some healthy fats, like avocados or organic cream cheese? Real butter? That might help him put on some weight and also would be good for him.

Another tip for eating and sleeping: No fruit at suppertime. It's just too much sugar. Same goes for yogurt or any other food that is high in sugar. At supper try to give him as much protein as possible, whatever form of it he will eat. If that means he eats peanut butter every night, so be it. Keep trying foods occasionally. Eventually the all peanut butter (or whatever it is) will pass.

I thought my son would never eat veggies ever again but now he does eat broccoli and brussel sprouts! yay!

As far as the crying for chocolate and candy. We have the same problem over here and I do not keep it in the house (like you) or give it to him very often, but he seems to remember those times he has had it. Is there anything kind of sweet but semi-healthy you could substitute? We get the Earth's Best Rice/Yogurt Bars and I call them "Special Treat" and therefore DS thinks they are candy! They are sweet but they arent terrible for him and it works great when he is begging and crying for candy. Another thing you might try as the weather gets warmer is making him popsicles that are made of part fruit or fruit juice and water, or yogurt and fruit, etc..Healthy and a treat! This works great at my house!

I also make DS "Special Milk" by warming up a little milk and putting cinnamon in it. He thinks he is getting something super special and he loves it. This might be a way to help him gain a little weight if you are worried about that.

I agree with the pp's who said your little DS is really craving time with you. I know you said you can't quit working, so I am wondering if there is any other way he could get some one-on-one attention. I know this might not be possible but what if you got a nanny who could watch him at your house? Or a relative or friend? It just sounds like he is feeling kind of insecure and needing a lot of attention. Would it be possible for you to do something at home, or DH to get a 2nd job and you stay home? It's worth looking into at least, right?

It sounds like he is trying to control the things he can, like what he eats, etc. He probably doesn't yet have the vocabulary to express it, but he just is feeling a little unstable and out of control, so he is trying to express it in other ways. Poor little guy! And Poor mommy and daddy too!!! My heart really goes out to you. But just remember this can get better.

I'm not sure if he is not sleeping because he can't relax, or wants time with you, or if he's just getting way too much nap, but I would start with cutting out nap or at least cutting it way back, looking into ways to spend more time with him, and getting lots of protein and healthy fat in his diet.

If all that doesn't work to get him to sleep, we sometimes have used Valerian for children. You can get it in liquid form. It really does relax my DS if he is just past the point of no return. Good luck Mama. Hang in there.

[Tjej]

The asking for different things - my kids have done that. After one request, I am a broken record "It's nighttime. We can do that in the morning." It works.

Is it possible to move his nap up at daycare? my son wakes at a similar time and goes down for a 3-ish hour nap about 10AM. (DS is 2 and a bit). He goes to bed at 7 still.

I think that one thing you may want to consider is how you react to his negative behavior. My DS can be a real grump sometimes, but it de-escalates much more quickly if I am kind but firm and expect him to calm down. I NEVER get things for him if he doesn't talk nicely to me (that includes a nice tone and "please"). I don't bark at him about it, I just remind him to ask nicely and I will even say it for him to repeat (e.g. "Mama, can I have a drink please" (which becomes "Can I have drink please, Mama?").

For the diapers - he is old enough to conventionally potty train. That could solve some of the problem. BUT if he's grumpy all the time it'd be hard to start...

It sounds like you have a really busy schedule, but if you could work in extra time to wait for you child to calm down before you do things (like getting him to leave daycare and diaper changes) it could pay off in the long run. It is rare that I power-through something and force my kids to do something they are fighting against physically, BUT I will wait them out. And I can WAIT. And they know that, so I rarely have to .

Just a few thoughts, hope something helps.

Tjej

[madskye]

My best friend is a pediatrician, and she's pretty firm that toddlers need at least 12 hours of sleep. So, his long naps are really necessary. I wouldn't mess with them til you get bedtime sorted out--and I don't think his long naps are what is keeping him up.

I was a WOHM for DD's first three years, schedule similar to yours. I'd break the behaviors down one by one.

He's misbehaving when you show up? Can you call ahead and let them know you will be there in five minutes, and ask the DCP to have him in his coat/with backpack, ready to go? Minimize your time at pick up.

He cries in the car because you don't have the snack he wants? Can you get a special bag and fill it up with treats with him. I am not sure how strict you are about diet, but I would put some really special things in there. When you get in the car, have him close his eyes and pick a surprize.

He's crying for chocolate. You say you don't give in to him. Maybe that could be his special treat in the car? One tiny piece of choco on the way home might make your life easier and give him something to look forward to. Also, even doing this for a week might just break the negative cycle you are in. I did something similar with DD, she was having major melt-downs at drop off. (She 4) I was at my wit's end, so I told that if we could we have a smooth time at drop off today, I'd bring her a lollipop or gummies or whatever when I picked her up. We did it for a week and then she just moved on--forgot that she hated drop off--the behavior was over. It might also end the fascination/obsession with candy.

Not eating food. You are still breastfeeding, but it sounds like he drinks milk as well? DD went through a phase where it felt like her diet was mostly milk. We would do a quick snack when we got home (fruit or cheese and crackers or yogurt) and then dinner. I try not to stress about DD and food, unless something is very wrong, she'll eat if she's hungry. Does your ped think he is underweight? If not, I wouldn't stress about it.

Nighttime. This is probably the hardest because you are so very tired. I would tell him that tonight you are getting in bed and staying in bed. Get him a small glass of water or whatever he wants before hand. And then I would focus again on doing something different to change up your routine that is not working. Do you tell stories in bed? Can you ask him to tell you some stories? What would happen if you told him you were very tired and asked him to rub your back? Once that is over, turn the light down as far as possible and tell him YOU are going to sleep and then do the monotone response that it is bed time, no more getting up/requests and don't get up.

OR change it up again and start having your DH do the laydown period. Is it any different if he does bedtime?

One last thing, when DD was that age I had a cd of "relaxation" music--I think it was angels or the rainforest--and I would tell her that I'd lay with her til the music was over. It was relaxing for me, and gave her plenty of time to fall asleep.

Everything you are posting about is totally normal, and part of being two. He doesn't sound like a monster to me. (But I am not there dealing with it!)

Also, if you have had a big transition from SAHM to WOHM he might just need more snuggle time and reassurance. I'd try to figure out a way to make bedtime a good respite for both of you. I know it's hard when there a million things that need to be done, but honestly--he will grow up so quickly and all of these things will be done with--sometimes you do just need to slow down and give in to their pace for the necessary stuff like sleep.