I don't feel comfortable with any of my options.

[jezebelle]

This may not be the right board for this, because a lot of my opinions are not necessarily "natural." But the basic question at the end should work anywhere, I think.

I am right in the middle when it comes to what I want. I don't want a homebirth, because I am absolutely terrified of something happening that would require immediate medical attention. I am starting to not like the idea of a hospital birth so much, either, because the hospitals where I live do not give you a lot of options. And as far as I know, there are no birthing centers anywhere near me.

I cannot afford a midwife. There is no way for me to "cut costs" or "make it work." I just plain cannot afford a midwife. However, I don't particularly care for my obstetrician, and don't know of any that would provide as much hand-holding as I need. (I had a miscarriage the first time around, and miscarriage + pre-existing anxiety has left me with an intense desire to call about every problem--and there have already been several at 8 weeks.)

I love the idea of natural childbirth. I'm kind of terrified of having a needle in between my vertebrae. However, I know my body, and I know my pain tolerance, and I'm pretty sure I will give in. I'm almost positive I will not be able to take the level of pain I expect to experience.

So, basically, as you can see, nothing feels "right" to me, and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with this inability to pick a direction and go with it. It's actually creating even more anxiety for me, and I'm already in therapy for regular, intense panic attacks.

My question is--Where do I go from here? Should I just pick an OB at random and hope I develop strong feelings one way or another? Should I just focus on finding an OB I trust, go along with what s/he says, and adjust my preferences with the next pregnancy? Will it ever get easier?

[KBinSATX]

You still have time.
For me finding what's right with my first child was kind of a journey.
The first time I read "Giving Birth Naturally" I thought homebirth was out of the question for me. I didn't know what to expect - of the process, of myself, etc.
I just kept reading and researching as much as I could.
You still have time to find a good fit for yourself. I switched providers at 28 weeks.
If you do consider midwives some will work with a sliding scale fee. My insurance paid 75% of my birth even though my midwives were out of network.
If you want somebody for support consider a doula. Some doulas in training might be available for lower cost or free to get the experience.
You have a lot of options and a lot of time. Don't give up just yet.
You'll know when you find what's right for you!

[hotharmony]

I would stop and take a few deep breaths.

There is nothing wrong with being confused at this point. Here is what I would suggest.

1. Check the Find your tribe thread for Arkansas and ask for either family practitioners that deliver babies or OB recommendations. You can find doctors who are more natural minded than others.

2. Your only two options in labor are not epidural or not, there are choices in between and I would suggest taking a class like Bradley to help learn how to work with and through the pain so it doesn't feel that bad. Also in my experience labor pain is not really as bad as you might think.

3. Stop watching any pregnancy media, like baby shows that are not focused on natural birth. It will only cause more anxiety.

You can do this and have it the way you want and you have plenty of time to figure out what you really want. Remember that the whole point to this is to have a beautiful happy baby in the end no matter how it gets here.

Good luck.

[coffeegirl]

You just sound kind of overwhelmed, mama. I'm a first time mom (due late July) and I can still say authoritatively that we've all been there. I've definitely been there. Yeah, it will get easier. Just like with anything, it'll go up and down.

I think you might be psyching yourself out, collpsing under the stress of all these options you're thinking about. I hear that you're saying none of the options really seem perfect to you. I would suggest, give yourself some time to consider everything, talk to other more experienced moms, and then pick the options that are the least uncomfortable for you. It might be to attempt a natural childbirth in a hospital, with the option for painkillers if need be....or just, something like that. That's an example. And leave it flexible, give yourself some flexibility with your options I mean, so it's not like you feel you're locked into anything if you change your mind.

As far as another OB...you might want to look up high-risk OBs in your area, or that accept your insurance. Or, OBs that work in high-risk pregnancy practices, etc. Not that your pregnancy is necessarily high-risk, just that a doctor experienced with miscarriages, etc. might be a better fit for what you need.

[LadyCatherine185]

I suggest doing as much research on the process of giving birth as you can. Once you have the knowledge, it will be easier to decide what you do want. I read "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" and it was an amazing book. The first half is birth stories, all of them totally different, the second half she explains the scientific process that is giving birth. She also gives several suggestions for relaxation/pain relief techniques. I would also find a Doula. Even if you are with an OB, a doula will help support you during labor and be with you the whole time. And, you can write a birth plan. Let your doctor and nurses know exactly what you want your birth to go like. What medical procedures you want to refuse, etc.

FWIW, I am not comfortable having a homebirth either, and my son was delivered in a hospital by a CNM. It was a wonderful experience, I feel like I got the best of both worlds.

[Mama2Bean]

Just my two cents--My advice as far as docs go would be to ask as many people as you can who they used, who they liked, and why. Then it's okay to interview folks, just be honest and say you are looking for a good fit for you both. My OB practice has midwives in it and I see one of them. I saw the OB last time b/c they weren't there then. At 8 wks, you have time.

Second, I think it's important to know your limits. Not everyone is comfortable with a homebirth, totally natural childbirth, etc. You can't make yourself want something that you are scared of. That said, being 8wks preggo, you may change your mind about what you are comfortable with, esp if you feel supported by your partner, your HCP, etc about what you want.

Third, get a doula. It's their job to support you and help you figure out what you'd like during labor. They are priceless.

GL and hugs.

[Tummy]

May I suggest the Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth. I took this course while preg with #3 and it was the BEST decision that I have ever made concerning childbirth! I was able to still apply things I learned in that class just last week at my gf's home birth.

[meganlisbeth]

oh mama.
it really can all be overwhelming.

i think you have some great advice here...great book recommendations too.

i echo the advice to get a doula. i think this will be THE most valuable thing for you. a doula is there to totally support YOU and your partner. as a previous poster said, there are likely low-cost doulas in your area. they are worth their weight in GOLD. check out dona.org for more information.

[Mamatoto2]

Not too much to add, but I will echo and commiserate...I knew that I wanted a MW-assisted water birth with my 1st in a hospital setting (freestanding birth centers are not legal in my state). I loved my MW who I had used for routine gynocological care but as the pregnancy progressed, I didi not feel that she was working with me/preparing me to achieve my birth goals. At around 30 weeks, I freaked out then I did some research, changed MW groups, signed up for a Bradley class, and looked into doulas and doulas-in-training who might offer low-cost/free services, which several seemed willing to do especially since it seemed that many doulas hadn't had too much opportunity to work with water births and wanted the experience.

As it turned out, we didn't end up going with a doula because I felt that my mother (who had 3 drug-free births of her own) could meet that supportive need for me and would advocate for me. The Bradley class was a wonderful resource for information, communication between me and DH, and helped me feel like I knew what to do when the time came (e.g., I knew how to breathe/push, I knew how to position my body to work with/against the natural flow of things, I understood the "why" of the pain I would experience, etc). That sense of awareness/control was very helpful for me....and DD threw us all for a loop. My labor was very fast and I was fully effaced/dilated when I got to the hospital, therefore drug-based pain management wouldn't have been a helpful option under any circumstances, and all those great techniques we'd learned in class were basically out the window too. She was born less than 45 min. after we parked at the hospital, and the doulas wouldn't not have made it in time (and mom didn't either). I did have significant postpartum complications that required immediate medical attention, so I'm glad that I had opted for a hospital birth. At the end of the day, it still didn't look the way that I thought I wanted, but it turned out okay enough because I had put all of the pieces in place to deal with the curve balls that were thrown our way.

I suggest that you take a little time to figure out the best case scenario for you. Right now you've identified that your current situation doesn't feel right. Now you need to see what options/supports might make you feel more in control/less anxious about a process that is inherently out of your control to an extent. YOu may also want to see if there is a Birthing from Within mentor in your area, either to see to process some of your feelings of anxiety around the birth, or if that's nt a practical/affordable option, she may be a valuable resource to steer you in the right direction with respect to health care providers, doulas, etc.

Good luck to you!

[ecky]

don't judge your pain tolerance yet...
i am typically a big wimp and i managed to do things without meds - so you never know. you might just surprise yourself!
i think the best advice is to go into things with an open mind.
i have friends who only wanted natural or only wanted meds and were forced into the other situation because of crazy timing or crazy baby positioning and they were sooooo upset. i didnt want to be upset at how things turned out and i knew that ultimately i had little control over the situation. my body and the baby were gonna do what they were gonna do. i just wanted to be okay with whatever happened so i made a "best case plan" and tried to be open to other possibilities.
a doula was perfect for us!
also - some ob practices have midwives and doctors as options - so maybe check on that.
just my two cents!
good luck!

[GramaJill]

Hi, my name is Jill. I have three of my own, three grandbabies and two on the way. I also have been a labor coach for 5 other girls/women. First of all, try to remain calm and enjoy being pregnant. It is an awesome experience. I think you need to feel comfortable with your OB but in reality you will only see him/her for prenatal care and at the actual delivery(maybe for pushing and delivery). Your support will be more from someone close to you. The more you talk to people and learn about pregnancy hopefully will begin to ease your mind. I will write again soon. Take care of yourself, you don't have to make a decision about delivery for quite a while.

[RedOakMomma]

In that situation, I'd:

1. Pursue a natural hospital birth with a doula

2. make sure to pick an OB I liked, who supported my birth goals and had a low-intervention approach to delivery

3. Write a birth plan and make sure the OB supported it

4. Take natural birthing classes (if I could afford them) like Bradley or Hypnobabies, or at least read, read, read the books by Ina May, on Bradley, and on natural birthing techniques

You're basically describing the circumstances of my first birth. We couldn't afford a doula and didn't think to look for low-cost or in-training doulas. We found an OB we really trusted, asked him about his birthing stats, described our wishes for a natural birth, and went for it at a hospital. It was GREAT.

We couldn't afford classes, so we read a ton. We wrote a birth plan, too, and made sure to have it in my file as well as with us when we went to the hospital. We also asked for a natural-labor supporting nurse at the hospital, which turned out great. No one offered or mentioned pain meds. Ever. I felt totally supported...by the hospital, by the nurses, and especially by my partner and OB.

Best of luck to you. Explore your options, and do ask around/look around for birthcenters...some of them are new or are attached to hospitals and relatively unknown.

[graciegal]

If you can remember for as long as humans have been humans we have been giving birth in -terrible- conditions and all natural, and have done just fine, that might remind you that the process of birth -is- natural, -is- normal, and -can- be done without modern-day gadgets... that might help reduce your anxiety. We've made giving birth to be such a "odd" "tough" "impossible" "unnatural" process, it's a sad shame

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by jezebelle

I love the idea of natural childbirth. I'm kind of terrified of having a needle in between my vertebrae. However, I know my body, and I know my pain tolerance, and I'm pretty sure I will give in. I'm almost positive I will not be able to take the level of pain I expect to experience.

This was me. I am so petrified of needles so there was no way i was going to get an epidural, but I'm the type of person who cries when she stubs her toe b/c it hurts so bad. We took Bradley classes and my husband was so supportive. I ended up with a natural hospital birth. I would say take a good birth class (not form the hospital) and try and find an ob you feel comfortable with. LLL or any "crunchy" baby stores in your area would have information if Finding your Tribe doesn't help.

Good luck!

[gcgirl]

If you can't afford a midwife, you could still probably afford a doula, which should make birthing in the hospital a much more viable option. Also, don't give up on a non-epidural birth because you THINK you have a low pain tolerance. A lot of moms will tell you that labor pain is way different from other pain. That's not always the case, but even my pitocin induction labor hurt less than the corneal scratch I got last year, or even the time I tore a tendon in my toe. It was a more productive pain, and with a lot of reading prep and maybe some classes, you may find that you have more coping mechanisms than you think.

Good luck!

[etsdtm99]

i can totally relate to everything you are feeling/saying.. now that i'm on # 3 things are MUCH easier.. i know that when it gets close to time, i suddenly feel differently about EVERYTHING, suddenly i'm 'ready' and that just helps soooo much .. i went with the pick an OB and go with it approach with my first and it wasn't the worst thing in the world.. there were things i just had to learn by doing.. things were much better with my 2nd, and now that i'm sure what i want - i'm planning my first homebirth - i think having a truly natural supportive OB would have been helpful, but there aren't any here so even if i had searched high and low, i wouldn't have found one and i couldn't have just dived into the homebirth thing the first time.. if i could go back and do one thing differently i think iw ould have a doula who could not only advocate for me, but who could help me work through the decisions and figuring out what i wanted ahead of time ..

[Grace and Granola]

I felt exactly as you do right now. Exactly. Do you know if, in Arkansas, there are Certified Nurse Midwives? They work with an OB, but they see you for all of your prenatals and then they are there with you for the delivery. You would only see the OB if there was a problem. This was the perfect option for me, because even though they were nurses and worked in mainstream medicine, they did tend to work with what I wanted and not push their agenda on me. I had two wonderful hospital births with two different CNMs.

If you do not have CNMs in your area, I think I would go with the doula.

Also, post in the Find Your Tribe area for Arkansas and ask for recommendations there. You might be surprised and find just what you're looking for! Best wishes to you

[*Erin*]

it does get easier, the further along you get, the more you learn. each subsequent pregnancy has been easier for me in so many respects. my parenting is easier and better too. the first time is HUGE. you were not a mother before, and now you will be. this is something magnanimous, bringing a human being into the world, something you have not ever done before. any mama who says they never had a care their first go round is a great big liar
i was where you are with my first too. what finally drove me to make the choices i did was being totally disrespected by the very mainstream ob practice i'd been with. i had been reading like mad here on MDC and in books and other sites, and i found my inner strength, fired the ob practice and found a local midwife to take me on at a huge discount. i was also about 37 weeks along i planned a homebirth that didn't happen when i went post-date and was dropped by the midwife. i found an OB in a neighboring town who would let me do my birth as I saw fit, and ended up delivering my dd with him. i had a lovely, drug free birth with her, and although i had back labor, it really wasnt bad until i was literally pushing her out and then it was over. the rush was AMAZING, and i still to this day remember that moment and feel so very empowered by it.

as far as the epidural goes, don't beat yourself for considering it. my second birth was a homebirth to hospital transfer, and you bet i got one when i got there, not a single regret. i didn't feel it go in, and it was a blessing to have the pain stop. my son was not descending and positioning wrong, and the ambulance ride was ROUGH. i wound up with a csection with him, but it was not the epidural's fault.
im still supportive of homebirth, even after i was unable to have one 2x in a row, too, but if you have misgivings about it, put your energies into finding an OB who will work with you. travel to a neighboring town if you need to, it's worth it.
this is your body, and it's your choice.
good luck and hugs to you whatever you decide.

[Ashes]

The best thing you can do is educate yourself on all the options. Some child birth preparation classes spend a whole class on the epidural.

Also, be open to ANY possibility. C-section is always a possibility to learn about it too. It will freak you out less when you go through your birth. And don't forget to enjoy your pregnancy too

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by gcgirl

Also, don't give up on a non-epidural birth because you THINK you have a low pain tolerance. A lot of moms will tell you that labor pain is way different from other pain!

This is a really good point.

Both of my labors had some "pain," I guess, but it's not the sort of stuff like stubbing a toe or a big cut (I'm a wimp when that stuff happens, TRUST ME, but I've done two natural labors). It's a pressure and a tightening that builds over time, and it's your body working VERY hard at something. It's not the kind of pain that causes fear...it's just the ache of hard work.

That's one of the reasons I really liked the Bradley books (Childbirth the Bradley Way was one of the ones I read, I think). They do a great job of explaining the sensations and feelings during labor. For me, it was all a lot more tolerable (less fearful), because I knew why it felt so intense. I could picture what my body was doing during each contraction.