Tell me your story?

[mazajo]

I am at the very beginning of this journey, and I am feeling so overwhelmed, by emotions and the logistics of it all- how, when, where, ect. I'd love to hear others' stories, as much as you're comfortable sharing, such as:

Whose idea was splitting up? Was it drawn out, like a trial seperation before divorce, or rip-off-the-bandage quick? Was it easier than you thought it would be or really really hard? Divorce or disillusion? Did your complete lifestyle change- like did you go from SAHM to working, did you have to move, ect? What's your relationship with your ex like now? And... anything else you want to add!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Probably the best thing you can do is read random posts here and in Parents as Partners. It's an awful lot to sumarize!

But for me: It was my idea, but took 5 yrs to get there. It was just my 9th anniversary last week.

Last summer I finally admitted it wasn't going to work and it was detrimental to my health and ability to parent. I figured out a way out. It involved shortselling our townhome, but it was a plan. That was in June. By July, I had taken over the sleeper couch in the family room. We put our townhouse on the market in November. I moved into my own place over Christmas while STBX was at the in-laws with DS.

We took advantage of the extra time in the same house to get DS used to being taken care of by his dad. We had pretty much the same life as before except sleeping in separate rooms.

I'll file for divorce once the house is sold...or this summer if they're still dragging it out. I just want to do the last few things to untangle financially.

Even though it was my idea, there was never any fighting, and we're very amicable, it was still very hard. STBX never talks about feelings so I have no idea how he's feeling now, but I know I still get sucker punches of grief now and then. But I do know that even the worst of the grief I've gone through in the past six months is NOTHING like the pain I felt in the 2 years coming up to the decision to go through with a divorce. I've never doubted my decision for a minute.

None of our friends or family were surprised. His mom told me she'd expected this announcement every phone-call for the past three years. Awesome! :P

The relationship now is pretty similar. We never did fight, there was no addictions or abuse or infidelity...so things are pretty mellow. We're really working to minimize DS's struggles with the changes. That involves being flexible and not counting the minutes of "my time and your time". If DS wants his daddy, we see if he's available. Now he's been having trouble sleeping over at STBX's so we're trying just one overnight at a time and he'll come home at bedtime the other night. I consider this flexibility the biggest accomplishment of the past six months.

The changes: I can hope. I am in control of my own future and I'm willing to consider things I never could have done before. I love my little rental place. I'm in the stage right now where I revel in doing stuff for me. I've been at the bottom of my own priorities for so long, that it's fun to spoil me a little!

The way I look at it, it's one long hard year from the absolute final decision to divorce until the dust settles. For me, that will be this summer.

ps. Lifestyle: I've worked full time all along. I was the financial stability in our lives. So I had the luxury of knowing that if I had a cheaper place to live, I could support DS and myself even without child support. Nothing fancy, but comfortably. That was such a huge thing. And luckily, I've survived the layoffs this year. Funny enough, life as a single mom is actually less work than life as a married mom. I have one less person to care for, pay for, etc. I'm not grumpy that he's not helping. And now that he's decided to be Super Dad, I've even got chunks of free time a couple of times a month. I haven't had free time in YEARS! My married mom friends are a little jealous of that part.

[mazajo]

Thank you so much for your reply, RollerCoasterMama. That was the exact kind of thing I was looking for. Your story encourages me and comforts me. Thank you thank you!

[Halfasianmomma]

Ugh I'd written you a long response earlier, but it got lost somehow.

Anyway...here's about what I had written:
My break-up with my STBX was my decision, after several years of dealing with his alcoholism, verbal/emotional abuse, constant lies, and theft. We'd been together 6 years, married for 2. During this time, I'd become a stepmother to his 2nd son. STBX also had 1 son from his first marriage and a 3rd son from his 3rd marriage...I knew some of this stuff, but now the whole truth of it.

The birth of my daughter marked the beginning of the end for STBX and I, because he had a difficulty with the fact that I was paying more attention to our child than to him. He's quite the narcissist. Also, when my DD arrived, I started to realize that I didn't want her to grow up thinking it was ok for a man to treat a woman the way STBX treated me. The "decision" came one night last summer when he got so angry at me, he yelled and shook and slammed his fists on our kitchen table, right in front of our then-13 month old DD. I took DD and left.

It took a while after that for me to figure out *how* to leave, and to stop feeling guilty for leaving STBX. I had already dealt with my utter disappointment about STBX's lack of interest in parenting our child, as well as grieved for the "happy marriage" I was supposed to have...one night, after a particularly nasty fight, he asked me if I was leaving him. I finally admitted it to him. Then followed an eery discussion where we agreed that we were better off apart, and we actually started to plan the separation together.

Initially, I was supposed to move out in January 2010 and ideally, walking distance from where we lived so visitation would be easier, but things between us deteriorated rapidly as STBX started to realize he was losing me. It got to the point where STBX was threatening me (he wanted me to guarantee him 50/50 custody of DD and he was FURIOUS that I consulted a lawyer "behind his back"), so I had to leave in a hurry. Thank goodness I had my parents and extended family, who showed up to my place on October 31, 2009 and moved me out in a record hour and a half.

I've been living with my parents since this time, and it has helped me tremendously to have their support during this difficult period. In the beginning, STBX said he wanted equal shared custody of our DD (then 15 months) as soon as she would be 2. As I was still nursing her then, and since STBX had never really taken care of DD, I was VERY reluctant.

After I moved out, we went to 2 mediation sessions where I generally got steam-rollered by STBX and his demands for shared custody. I then retained the services of a first lawyer, and then a second, when the first proved to be too busy to take care of my case.

Right now, I'm just waiting for my divorce proceedings to be finalized and then STBX will be served. I'm asking for primary physical custody of DD, and offering him generous access rights, increasing incrementally over the next 4 years, so STBX would feel it was fair. I'm trying not to go after child support because I know that he can't afford it and that it'll make the situation worse (money is rather important to him). I am hoping that STBX and I can have a civil interaction for DD's sake--and right now, we're doing ok at being polite, but seeing as I know he's an addict who isn't seeking recovery, I have trouble trusting him and probably always will.

As for visitation, STBX *used* to see DD one night a week (picked her up from daycare and then I'd pick her up after dinner). He also saw her for 3 hours on Sundays. In the last 5 weeks, he hasn't taken her during the week and has shortened his week-end visitation a few times. I take this as a sign that he's slowly on his way out, as he now has a new girlfriend, and from talking to his previous wife, this seems to be the pattern with him: he meets a girl, she gets preggo, they have the child, the relationship breaks apart, he tries to get custody, then meets a new girl, and starts to lose interest. I'm actually wife #4 and DD is child #4. I assume that his new girlfriend will be lucky #5.

As for my lifestyle, it HAS changed radically. I'm no longer lonely within my own marriage; I've been able to admit to my parents all the horrid things that occurred between STBX and I. I've started seeing friends more and because STBX takes DD on Sundays, I get to go tango dancing! I've started seeing a counsellor to work on some stuff; I also attend Al-Anon to help me figure my own issues with codependence. I'm no longer completely stressed out that STBX will freak out on me, break things, or demand sexual favours. I have unfortunately lost contact with my former stepson because STBX forbade me to contact him. That part saddnes me a great deal as I was his mother figure for 6 years.

DD has adapted well, though the first month at my parents' place was rough; she clung to me constantly. I kept her in her old daycare until very recently so there would be a sense of continuity in her life. She's now very attached to my parents (so much so that I wonder when I'll be able to move out!). Financially, I've been able to slowly stabilize my situation because I no longer have to foot the bill for STBX's addictions. I'm in the process of paying back my debts and I hope to move out of my parents' place next summer; I know I won't be able to afford a huge place, but the area near my parents' and near DD's new daycare is affordable.

So there's my novella.

[mazajo]

Much thanks, Halfasianmomma. I recognize a lot of my own situation in your story. Grieving for the happy marriage that I didn't get is very difficult for me. I've been very lonely in my marriage for a while and that's horrible. I'm looking for Al-anon meetings in my area- doesn't seem to be any very close. It sounds like you're doing very well coming out on the other side and your story gives me hope. Thank you again!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by mazajo

Much thanks, Halfasianmomma. I recognize a lot of my own situation in your story. Grieving for the happy marriage that I didn't get is very difficult for me. I've been very lonely in my marriage for a while and that's horrible. I'm looking for Al-anon meetings in my area- doesn't seem to be any very close. It sounds like you're doing very well coming out on the other side and your story gives me hope. Thank you again!

That grief thing is tricky. Even when you know it's the right decision. You know you'll be healthier and happier on the other end. You are relieved to have the decision made....grief will sucker punch you. And it's hard to explain that it's grief for the lost dream unless someone has been there. For me at least, I really don't miss the man one bit---I grieve the dream. And I'm jealous of people that got it. And some days that leaves me sobbing in the bathroom at work over something stupid that triggers it all to come flooding back. But most of the time, people are commenting on how much more cheerful I seem.

[mazajo]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

For me at least, I really don't miss the man one bit---I grieve the dream. And I'm jealous of people that got it.

Exactly! But what I keep telling myself, is that I've had that grief thing going on for a long time anyway, the happy marriage doesn't exist whether I stay or leave. Kind of like I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely in my marriage.

[La Sombra]

My story is long and complicated and involves, well, years of dissatisfaction and unhappiness, alcoholism (his) and eventual infidelity (mine). My STBX (we are divorcing, should be final in a couple of months) has always been an alcoholic. A big part of our dynamic has always been me looking after him--and not just with his drinking but with *everything.* He was/is insecure and needed lots of encouraging. The drinking was a problem that he would occasionally address and tell me he knew he had a problem and wanted to cut back but he never ever did. For this (and perhaps other reasons), I had lost all (and I know this sounds crazy) sexual attraction to him BEFORE WE WERE EVEN MARRIED. Why did I even marry him, then?! you might rightly ask. Well, the only answer I have is that I was young, I loved him, I was co-dependent, too, I suppose, and I convinced myself that this didn't really matter.

But clearly it did. By the end of our marriage I was really unhappy. There were child-rearing issues--he was never fully present as a father--and also just a general sense of drifting apart. I felt like I was getting stronger and more clear about where I wanted my life to go and meanwhile he was still stuck in the same cycle of drinking and spending money and not really interested in any of the spiritual or other things I had in my life. Spring of last year, I met a man and fell in love with him. This is obviously something I could say a lot more about. I realized how deeply in trouble my marriage was and broke things off with this OM and started working on my marriage with STBX. We did everything: individual and couple's counseling, journaling, going on dates, reading books on relationships and doing various activities, we talked CONSTANTLY, and STBX quit drinking (without, however, admitting that he had a problem...which became a bigger problem because the alcohol withdrawal led to severe depression for which he wanted to turn to sex...and sex remained something I was TOTALLY uninterested in...)

And things just got worse, and finally things culminated to a point where I wasn't just thinking about leaving anymore, I know that I COULD ACTUALLY DO IT. And I did. And still it was SOOOOO hard. He took it SOOOOO badly. I admitted the affair to him and doing that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, probably. I regret so much having done that to him and I doubt that my guilt and pain over it will ever go away.

AND YET. Here we are, five months later and I FEEL GREAT. That is to say, like RollerCoasterMama (who, hi there!, helped me so much recently with a post about the grief I had been feeling! Thank you!), I have experienced bouts of INTENSE grief and sadness. But never have I really missed the MAN, I just, as PPs have said, the Dream.

But in the wake of the dream I am shocked at how strong I have discovered myself to be, how energized by NEW dreams, how capable I am of doing things on my own and how changed and ALIVE I feel as a result of all the soul-searching that I did throughout this process. I don't think I could have made the decision without all the journaling and talking to people and meditating and reflecting; I honestly feel like the universe spoke to me and told me what I needed to do. And I feel like I'm totally on the right path in my life. I honestly feel like a NEW WOMAN, like a snake that's shed its skin.

Things with STBX are really not good, although I'm SURE they could be worse. He is so angry. Of course he has every right to be. But I also feel like my affair has, in his mind, excused him from having to admit ANY culpability in the demise of our marriage. Predictably, he is drinking again, and he has also been pretty shitty in stepping up as a father to dd (although, again, it could be worse, and IS for many women). Despite all this, I'm really happy!

I had some days where I was lower than I've ever been in my life and I didn't know how I'd make it. But I did. And realizing that I can survive that gives me the strength to believe I can do anything. I do believe that.

There is a lot more to say, naturally, but I think this is quite long enough!

I wish you strength in clarity in making your decision, but know that as other's have said, it's never EASY and perhaps never even obvious, but the answer is there in your heart.

[ArtsyMomma]

Ex and I started dating in college (2001). We hadn't been dating very long when we moved in together (my parents had told me it was time to move out). A year later I was pregnant with DD#1.

I had a terrible pregnancy, but I didn't realize it at the time. I gained 100 lbs! At 29 weeks, I felt a terrible pain on my right side and it suddenly occured to me I had pre-e. I went to the hospital and DD#1 was born the next am via c-section. I was under general anestesia, I had almost died. My family was making funeral plans for the baby and I. But we did survive. She weighed 1 lb 14ozs and spent 62 days in the NICU. I focused on keeping her healthy, while I suffered from PPD. I was very unhappy. Six months later, I was pregnant with DD#2. When the small business I was working at closed we decided I would SAH (I had taken DD#1 to work with me). I was uneasy during the pregnancy. I was uncomfortable with the amount of time ex was spending out with friends, but I was pregnant and had a tiny baby at home. I kept my fears to myself and focused on my babies. On Feb 27th I was induced at 33 weeks due to pre-e again. Ex came to the hospital, while I was in labor, and told me he had been cheating. At first I didn't believe him. I stayed awake the whole night, not sure what to do. I didn't have any friends who could come to the hospital, they all had babies or lived too far away. I felt so alone. I wanted him to leave, but if he left, I had no one. The next morning DD#2 was delivered via c-section. I spent as much time as I could in the NICU with her. It was odd....the nurses never asked me to leave during rounds...they brought me dinner. I didn't understand. Was it because it was my second time there in 14 months? The day we left our primary care nurse told me she was the mother of the boyfriend of the girl Ex was cheating with. No wonder they were so nice. I was so embarassed.

So...now I'm stuck. I have two preemies, no job, no where to go. Ex says he's sorry, it will never happen again. I stay - not knowing what else to do. I spent the next 2.5 years trapped - we were broke, had one car and ex was working two jobs. I was stuck at home all the time. During this time, we get married - afterall we have 2 kids together (and frankly, I wanted to cover-my-bum).

So fast forward 2.5 years(Fall 06). We finally get a 2nd car. I decide to go back to school. Ex is doing great, being supportive, helping around the house. I'm finally losing the pregnancy weight. I've made some friends!! I go out with them once in a while! I'm starting to feel....happy. Ex has been insisting we have another baby. I don't think I want another. It seems like a bad idea. After 6 months of discussion, I say we can try one month...that's it. I don't want to miss any school!! One more baby, and I'm done having babies. He is going to help out with this one (he helped with #1, but not as much with #2). I have to drop out of school - PIH at 14 weeks. Ex stops being supportive.

I am happy about the pregnancy, and focus on that. I let my fears and worries go. I make it to 36 weeks...and Ex tells me he doesn't love me and tries to kick me out. I wander all night. We make up, he's sorry. I'm skeptical, but pregnant. What else do I do? My parents are already upset about baby #3 (Dad says "You aren't meant to be a breeder...").

Baby #3 arrives at 38 weeks (whoo-hooo I get to take a baby home!). I'm a bit overwhelmed, but very happy.

When DS is 6 weeks old - Ex and I get into a fight. I want him to spend his day off helping me with the kids (having a hard time healing from the 3rd c-section, I'm tired). He wants to go to an amusement park with his friends. In the end, he goes. He never spends another night in our home. He leaves us. I had two preschoolers and a newborn, no job. I was 6 weeks postpartum with a history of severe PPD. Turns out (I learned this MUCH later) he had been cheating for 6 months, and he moved in with the girl. They had even picked out a house together. (summer 07)

I didn't want to tell anyone he left. I was embarassed, I kept hoping he might come back. I did eventually tell people because I was a mess. I lost 70 lbs over the next two months. I was devastated. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was scared. I was like a walking shadow of myself. I went through the motions of taking care of my girls, then screamed and cried into a pillow every night. I didn't want the kids anywhere else but with me....I needed them so I could function. I went to the grocery store, made dinner, but never ate. We had 'sleepovers' in the living room. I cried. I wanted to die - but being the rational new mom...if I died who would feed the baby??? I didn't have any bottles or formula in the house. Damn. I don't know how I did it...but I got through. I fed my kids. They were clean. The house was clean......

And then, it all started to dawn on me.....

This isn't harder. Actually...the house is cleaner because I'm not picking up after him too. And the kids are eating much healthier foods...There is no one to fight with me...I can go where ever I want...I have friends...I make all the rules now...I don't have to share...There are a lot of people out there who love me....the msg board that raised some $$ for me....the ladies at the yarn shop, who made sure I had wool to keep me busy....my BFF who showed up at my house, and cleaned and took care of my kids - even though she lives 4 hours away and can only cook toast....I was pretty much doing it on my own before anyway, this is going to be better.

I felt really strong. And empowered.

So I screwed him in the separation agreement.

He was anxious to 'officially' leave. I got all of my demands. Sole physical and legal custody. 50% of his income. The nicer car. He was responsible for all of our debt. He had to pay half of all the kids extra expenses. He has to carry health ins for all of us, and for the kids after the divorce. I covered my butt

DP and I started dating around the time of the separation, and he was a massive boost to my self-esteem. I started eating again. I would get really excited, and put on make-up, I even bought new clothes!!! I had dropped from a size 16 to a 10. DP was happy to have DS around (he was about 4 months) - he re-introduced me to old friends...who had known Ex too. He took me on trips out of town! We went to NYC a lot. He held me the first night Ex took my girls for an overnight at his new house with his new girlfriend.

I did my best to get along with Ex. A year goes by (summer 08)...Ex starts taking DS for visitation--it was heart wrenching for me. He had nothing to do with DS after those first few weeks. I finally meet his GF. I do my best. I have very strong negative feelings towards both ex and his gf...but I do my best. They make my life hard....IE: I make plans to go out of town, suddenly they aren't taking the kids. Ex lets GF do things that make me crazy...letting my girls wear high heels to the park, or puts make up on them before preschool drop off....I get weird feelings about GF. She is 'playing mommy'. She doesn't respect me as the mother of my kids. I manage...try to keep things friendly...

A year passes. I have a terrible UTI, I feel dizzy, my blood pressure seems high. DP calls ex to come get the kids so I can go to the hospital.

Ex and Gf decide it's time to take advantage of the situation. They come get the kids. I agree to let them hold onto the kids the next day so I can rest then for their normal visitation. But it doesn't feel right. At the end of the visitation...they won't give the kids back. I freak out. I can't get anyone to help me. The sheriff says I need to get a court order before they will get the kids back...even though I already have sole custody through our separation. The court won't give me straight answers and I'm confused. A week passes, and I beg my parents for money to pay a lawyer. The lawyer says - go get your kids. Don't fight with ex and gf - just go get them, you are allowed. If things escalate and the police come, show them the separation agreement. When my mom and I show up at a park to see the kids, and swoop in to take them home - gf is there...with an order of temporary custody. I've been accused of child abuse and neglect. No one from the court ever contacted me. My kids cry, and beg me not to leave...they want to come home. There isn't anything I can do. My heart breaks

DP decides to keep me busy. I try to stay out of my house...it's too hard. I get my babysitter to come clean...I know CPS will show up soon. I call the kids everyday...no one will answer. I get to talk to them one time, DS gets very upset when he hears my voice and I wonder if upsetting them is the right thing to do. I keep calling. I do what my lawyer tells me to do. I get letters from the pediatrician, the school, friends, family. I meet with the guardian ad litum. I get visits from social workers. My lawyer is sure ex has nothing....but we have LOTS.

Six weeks from the beginning, we go to court for the initial hearing. My lawyer tells me not to get my hopes up, CPS won't be done with their investigation...I won't get the kids back today. He tells me they will say horrible things about me...so watch the clock. Don't yell, don't cry, don't speak unless spoken too, just watch the clock. I am dressed nice, I look like a respectable young mom (vs. my usual jeans and t-shirt). I am very calm. CPS isn't done with their investigation...we knew they would say that. The GAL goes next....says the kids need daily visitation with their mom if the temp. order is upheld. Says the kids miss me, and want to come home. He says I'm not a danger to the kids, that I'm cooperative...and....a good mom. Ex's lawyer speaks....says horrible things, but can't really put a sentance together. Tries to get judge to look at transcripts of old phone calls and tries to use things other people - who aren't in the room - have said against me. The judge throws the transcripts on the floor, says it's all hearsay. Ex's lawyer begs him to look. The judge refuses. The judge then asks me a few questions. I answer...I can't remember what they were now...just things about school, doctors appointments, my living situation (ex tried to claim I lived somewhere unsafe, but he lived here with the kids and I too). The judge upholds the separation agreement and throws out the temporary order. Tells ex to return the kids immediately. I'm confused. My lawyer grabs my arm and says 'Lets get out of here, before he changes his mind'. I still don't understand...when we get outside, he explains...I'm getting the kids back. Today. So far, I win...there will be another custody hearing - rushed because school starts in a few weeks. But for now, the kids are mine.

My kids come home. I haven't seen them in 5 weeks. I was so happy - but they were so messed up. My girls...wouldn't misbehave! They were so careful - I WANTED them to make a mess and be naughty. They were scared they wouldn't be able to come back. It was months before DS turned back into a sweet little boy again.

Two days before the next hearing...Ex is homeless. GF kicked him out. He was going to lose anyway (I knew it, he knew it). He drops the case. With GF out of the picture, we are getting along much better. I help him get set up in his new place, I'm flexible about visits until school starts. His family starts talking to me again!! Yay!! They hated GF, only put up with her because they had too. His family is very sweet. Since then...we've gotten along really well.

Oh...and during the 5 weeks my kids were gone....I conceived #4 - with DP (having my 4th c-section on march 25th). The only lingering issue....divorce. It's hard to get a divorce in NY if you are pregnant, have to establish paternity first. So...we just need to get divorced, and I'm sure it will go smoothly. Ex spent a lot of money trying to fight me, and he lost.


So...that is my story...it's not over yet, it's just the beginning. I'm much happier without ex, my life is easier. My relationship with DP is wonderful (most of the time ). I'm healthier, I feel like I've been lifted out of a fog of depression, I have hopes and dreams again.

[ArtsyMomma]

wow - that turned out long! I'm saving a copy for my journal!

Congrats if you read through the whole thing! I tried to keep it short!

[Freedom~Mama]

This thread is great, so helpful!

To the OP, I am not very far out...only left my STBX 4 weeks ago. So I am still kind of in the thick of it but already things are starting to feel a little easier and less scary. Getting a divorce is such a stressful thing, it really is. Even if we know it is the right decision it is still hard and I am working through a lot of different emotions right now. So to you, I know how hard it is at first. I am hopeful though reading stories of women who have BTDT and come out on the other side.

[organicpapayamama]

Whose idea was splitting up?
it was his.... 5 months after we lost our dd and a week after we found out we were expecting again he left one day and didnt come back till the next morning. Totally unlike him and unexpected, we had not been fighting or anything so it was a shock. When he came back he said he wanted a divorce and packed his bags and left.
Was it drawn out, like a trial seperation before divorce, or rip-off-the-bandage quick?
not drawn out... he left the same day he told me he wanted a divorce and never looked back. Never told my why this all happened either.
Was it easier than you thought it would be or really really hard?
it was very very hard for a long time. Not only had I just endured the loss of my first child but now my husband. He left me with a tremendous debt of over 30k, he lost his job a few months later and I lost mine a few months after that because the company went bankrupt. Add to that the stress of being pregnant after a loss. I was now suddenly a single unemployed parent to be. I was so scared and nervous and had no idea how anything was going to work out. Fast forward to today, about 2 1/2 yrs later and Im glad it happened this way. He would have been a terrible father. It made me a better stronger more confident mama for my son.
Divorce or disillusion?
divorce
Did your complete lifestyle change- like did you go from SAHM to working, did you have to move, ect?
yes a HUGE lifestyle change. We went from making a combined income of over $100k living a great lifestyle with dining out at expensive places, wearing designer clothes and going on fancy vacations to me moving back home with my parents, being a single mom living on food stamps for a while.
What's your relationship with your ex like now?
we dont have a relationship. He has never met our son and doesnt plan on it. at first it bothered me but now i see that its better this way. The only contact we have is about him paying half the debt that he left me with since he agreed to pay 50/50 in the divorce.(btw the divorce isnt final yet because we were doing a lot of waiting on him so we are still legally married) Once thats paid off I dont plan on ever coming into contact with him again. Besides, he now has a new fiance (even though we are still married) and a 1 yr old dd. Clearly he has a new life, as do I.

[La Sombra]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

Whose idea was splitting up?
it was his.... 5 months after we lost our dd and a week after we found out we were expecting again he left one day and didnt come back till the next morning. Totally unlike him and unexpected, we had not been fighting or anything so it was a shock. When he came back he said he wanted a divorce and packed his bags and left.
Was it drawn out, like a trial seperation before divorce, or rip-off-the-bandage quick?
not drawn out... he left the same day he told me he wanted a divorce and never looked back. Never told my why this all happened either.
Was it easier than you thought it would be or really really hard?
it was very very hard for a long time. Not only had I just endured the loss of my first child but now my husband. He left me with a tremendous debt of over 30k, he lost his job a few months later and I lost mine a few months after that because the company went bankrupt. Add to that the stress of being pregnant after a loss. I was now suddenly a single unemployed parent to be. I was so scared and nervous and had no idea how anything was going to work out. Fast forward to today, about 2 1/2 yrs later and Im glad it happened this way. He would have been a terrible father. It made me a better stronger more confident mama for my son.
Divorce or disillusion?
divorce
Did your complete lifestyle change- like did you go from SAHM to working, did you have to move, ect?
yes a HUGE lifestyle change. We went from making a combined income of over $100k living a great lifestyle with dining out at expensive places, wearing designer clothes and going on fancy vacations to me moving back home with my parents, being a single mom living on food stamps for a while.
What's your relationship with your ex like now?
we dont have a relationship. He has never met our son and doesnt plan on it. at first it bothered me but now i see that its better this way. The only contact we have is about him paying half the debt that he left me with since he agreed to pay 50/50 in the divorce.(btw the divorce isnt final yet because we were doing a lot of waiting on him so we are still legally married) Once thats paid off I dont plan on ever coming into contact with him again. Besides, he now has a new fiance (even though we are still married) and a 1 yr old dd. Clearly he has a new life, as do I.

Wow, mama, I am shocked by your story and in awe of your strength. You must feel like Superwoman knowing that you could have survived all of that. Your story is an inspiration; I'm glad that you are happy and content in your life now!

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

Wow, mama, I am shocked by your story and in awe of your strength. You must feel like Superwoman knowing that you could have survived all of that. Your story is an inspiration; I'm glad that you are happy and content in your life now!

thanks mama. sometimes my story even shocks me. I sometimes cant believe the hurdles I made it past and where I am today. I decided I wanted to be a single mama by choice and got pregnant again and am expecting a new little one in a matter of weeks! I would have never thought this is the life I would have but I am sure glad I am here now.

[mazajo]

These stories are so helpful, everybody, I'm so glad you shared. I've been feeling very down today, but reading here has helped. If so many others can do it, and come out happier on the other side, I guess I can too!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by mazajo

These stories are so helpful, everybody, I'm so glad you shared. I've been feeling very down today, but reading here has helped. If so many others can do it, and come out happier on the other side, I guess I can too!

If you haven't already read it, go check out the "Why I love being a single mother" thread. It helped me a whole lot when I was where you are now. And once I made the decision, I posted my little wish-list of things I was looking forward to. Going back and looking at that little list as I was further along in the process has been very affirming to me. And on that list you'll see pages and pages and pages of strong mamas who made it to the other side!

[Learning_Mum]

DH left about 6 months ago. He dropped the kids at his parents one Saturday morning, came home for literally two minutes, told me he was leaving because 'he couldn't do this anymore' and left. We told DS1 the next day. He moved in with his parents and for the first week or two he would come round every night after work to see the boys, then it adjusted to the weekends and Tuesday night. Now it's just the weekends.

It was devastating for me. I didn't know there was anything wrong. I was happy and loved my husband. For the fist month (or so) after he left he acted like a 17yo again. The kids and I were still depending on him for money and we were left really broke for the first little while and it was a struggle to even buy food. I was a wreck. I got awful anxiety and I'm only just starting to wean off that medication now. I honestly was on the brink of suicide and if it weren't for the kids I would have gone through with it. My parents were here 24/7 for the first month or so. They would be here during the day and then one of them would stay the night.

After a month or two things started to improve and I got my joy for life back. Because of the anxiety I wasn't eating and had lost a heap of weight! I became interested in my looks again and took up some hobbies again. I really started to *improve* on who I had been. DH still hadn't told me why he had left and are communication was via e-mail only and not great.

At Christmas time we started to become more friendly again and for the last three months we've been working towards reconciliation. He's still living at his parents place but I'm hoping that soon we will live together as a family again.

I continue to stay home with my boys. It actually works out better for me to get the single parents benefit than it does for me to work as after paying for daycare for the two boys I would be bringing less home than the benefit gives me. I've always wanted to be a SAHM so that was one of my biggest concerns when DH left.

We got our own routine going, and things have been pretty good as a single mother. I have done alot of thinking and introspection over the last six months and have changed alot. I've learned more about myself and realised I'm waaaaay stronger than I thought I was! Money is tight, and it can be hard at times. Sometimes at the end of the day I just need someone to look after *me*. I think that's what I find the hardest. I spend all day and night giving to the kids and sometimes I just really need someone to give me a cuddle and look after me for a bit. But I make it through!

Honestly, I think DH leaving was the best thing for both of us! It was a serious wake up call for me and we've both grown and discovered things about ourselves. I'm just hopeful that we'll be able to come together again.

[josybear]

i've enjoyed reading this thread and would like to contribute.

ex & i were married for 6 years. for the first 3 i was seriously depressed. i know now that it was a side effect of my birth control, but at the time i had no idea. one day i got sick of the numbness and quit taking all my pills, birth control included, and the clouds lifted. of course, i got pregnant right away. i didn't find out for five months, and when i did find out (by accident, i had no clue at all) we were both utterly shocked. i see now that at that moment i changed my whole life to accommodate the coming baby and ex didn't. baby came and had (has) medical problems. i was just a kid, dealing with a sick baby, with no support. ex was a student, but he dropped out without talking to me first and didn't even tell me for a while. i got pregnant again. i was pregnant, working two jobs, taking care of a sick baby and supporting my ex, who had enrolled in a different school. right before baby # 2 was born ex dropped out without telling me (again) and hid it (again) and when i found out he refused to get a job. i was working two jobs, why should he have to work? any lingering trust i had in him just died, and i began fantasizing about leaving him. baby #2 was born and i became a sahm, ex got a job working nights. this meant that i had to keep my two under-two's quiet all day long so he could sleep. i focused on my kids, dreamt of him dying in a tragic accident.

when my baby was almost 2 a friend suggested i apply to school. her program was a university access program, designed to make a university education possible for low income, working, single parents, people with learning disabilities, all that. even as i was going through the application process i was realizing that ex wouldn't step up and help with the kids or change his habits to make school financially feasible, so i knew i'd have to leave if i got in. i got in!!! right around that time, an excellent rental that my friends own came available. it's near my school, the stores, my ex, daycare, friends... the stars aligned. i moved and started school in april of last year.

since then life has been hard. i've been flat broke, exhausted, lonely, all that. but life has been so much better than it was. i won't pretend everything is perfect now, but i love my school, my kids are happy and thriving, and my lifestyle is of my choosing instead of being built around my ex. my relationship with him has not been happy, but it has been mostly civil. we aren't friends, but we generally manage to work things out for the kids. he's been gradually decreasing his time with the kids, from 50/50 a year ago to 2 nights a week now. i predict that he continues to fade away. gradually disengaging like this has definitely been easier on the kids than abrupt abandonment, but i still feel badly for them. i would never choose fatherlessness for them, not matter how irresponsible and undependable he is.

anyways, that's me. and it will have been a year really soon!

[darien]

Originally Posted by mazajo

Whose idea was splitting up? Was it drawn out, like a trial seperation before divorce, or rip-off-the-bandage quick? Was it easier than you thought it would be or really really hard? Divorce or disillusion? Did your complete lifestyle change- like did you go from SAHM to working, did you have to move, ect? What's your relationship with your ex like now? And... anything else you want to add!

Ten years ago, my (then) dp said that I was "the cause of most of his problems," and that he didn't want to be a husband or father. I was very sad, but quickly agreed to a divorce. Within days, he was crying and begging for another chance, volunteering to go to counseling.

I took him back, which I can't regret, because I got another child out of it! But, dp did not change. He was a poor husband and dad, spending most of his time in his "mancave," ignoring me and the kids. He did not go to counseling. He got us close to $30,000 in cc debt by signing up for cards without my knowledge and buying toys for himself.

I tried and tried to be patient and supportive. I tried to build a relationship between him and our dc, and to fill in the holes where he was absent. I agonized over whether divorce was the right choice, or if leaving him would be "out of the frying pan, and into the fire."

A couple of years ago, I finally insisted that he go to counseling, or I would leave him. He did eventually go, but it was successful only in clarifying that we needed to not be together. The last straw was a bit over a year ago, when I found out that dp was still blowing all our "spare" money-- the money that he was supposed to be using to pay down his cc debt.

I gave him one last chance to figure out how he was going to fix the situation, and he decided he would do-- nothing. I told him I wanted a divorce, and started working hard to make that happen.

I got a new job, put my homeschooling kids in school, started saving and selling off my stuff. I found an apartment for myself and the dc that I can afford (barely!) even if stbx flakes (and all signs point to "yes." ). We moved in 3 weeks ago, and it's been good. The dc have had no adjustment issues (knock wood!). They've seen their dad about 36 hours since we moved out, which is way more time than they spent with him when we lived together!

There are living rooms bigger than my whole apartment, but I'm happy. I have even less money than before, but I'm happy! I already know that stbx is screwing me out of a lot of money, and I suspect that he will bail on the kids, eventually. Still, the dc and I are in a better situation now than we ever were with him, so I'll take it!