Should we go to the playdate?

[Rnejic]

A local group I am in has playdates. There is one mom I have made friends with, I really like her and we get along great but her kid is aggressive (almost constantly pushes, hits, pulls hair, takes toys...). My kid dosnt really mind and actually thinks it's fun but that's kind of the problem. Since we've started hanging around them my kid has gotten a lot more aggressive. I think that he thinks it is how he is suppose to play with other kids now, like that is what you do when you get together with friends. I've tried talking with him and I keep on him at playdates and I remind him how to play nice but it just doenst seem to do much good he just wants to have fun and to him that means pushing and hitting now.

She is having a playgroup at her house (something she does regularly) and I dont know what to do. I feel mean not going because we are friends with them now and we all have a good time and honestly we need to get out of the house more. Would I be being too overprotective by keeping them home, would I be sheltering them too much?

[maddymama]

I vote go. All kids enter phases, and this child might be in a pushy phase, and you child might be entering that phase, independent of the friend's child. View this as a teaching opportunity for your LO.
~maddymamq

[One_Girl]

I wouldn't have my dd around someone violent if she was starting to act in violent ways. My dd does have one friend who was a violent child, he had been kicked out of a few daycares because of it, but he only hurt dd once on their second playdate. His mother told me that dd has a very calming influence on him and she is the only friend he is gentle with. We continued to play with him because he never showed a violent tendency again and his behavior doesn't affect dd. If it had affected her though or if it had happened again we would have been done with playing with him no matter how much I like my friend. If you still want to be friends with this lady but don't want the kids together then you could try inviting her to do mama only things.

[Rnejic]

Originally Posted by maddymama

I vote go. All kids enter phases, and this child might be in a pushy phase, and you child might be entering that phase, independent of the friend's child. View this as a teaching opportunity for your LO.
~maddymamq

I honestly dont feel it is a phase. I mentioned it to another mom friend (she used to come too) and she said that it was part of the reason they dont come any more. And this was about a year ago.

Oh and my ds isnt like this all the time just at play groups, again I think it because he is confused and thinks this is what ha is suppose to do.

[MJB]

I voted go. My kids have been around other kids who bit/hit/pushed and never picked up that behavior. It's not an uncommon toddler/preschooler behavior and I wouldn't avoid a friend over it. Like someone else said, maybe your kid is just entering that phase and it has nothing to do with the other kid.
I used to joke that my oldest son must be tasty because he was literally bitten by at least 8 different kids. He never bit anyone.

[carmel23]

are there more then just your child and your friends at the playdate? I'd go.

[SweetPotato]

How old are the kids?

I'd say go. Unless your child is AFRAID of this other kid, then I'd go, and maybe use it as a way up to bring up conversation with your child before or after about ways to play nice together, etc.

[Jenifer76]

I think it would depend on ages. It sounds like they might be young - toddler age? If so, I would probably go.

[camracrazy]

I think it would depend on the other parent. If the other parent was working with her child to try and teach them not to be aggressive towards the other kids, and my kid wasn't actually being injured, I would go. If the other parent is the kind that would watch her kid stab another kid through the eye with a butter knife and still say, "Ohh, isn't that just the cutest thing??" then I would avoid them.

[LynnS6]

I voted go, but it would depend on the age of the kid, probably. If it's a 5 year old, then no. If it's a child under 3, yes. Hitting/pushing phases can last a long time.

My kids need to learn to be around lots of kids and to be in charge of their own behavior. So, they need practicing seeing and dealing with other kids.

[4evermom]

A lot of kids, probably mostly boys, do a lot of physical rough housing stuff. If it isn't with mean intent (angry kid really trying to hurt another), I don't worry about it. I used to try to limit it with certain kids because it always escalated and never ended on a good note. But with other kids, it went fine. Sometimes, it looks like the kids are hitting each other but they are really pulling their punches and not trying to hurt each other. So it just depends and I mostly went by whether my child is bothered by the interactions (and of course I'd get him to chill if I could see he was pushing someone else's buttons). Pushing and hitting without intent to hurt can be fun play. But hair pulling and toy grabbing, not so much.

[TiredX2]

How old are the children involved and how does the parent of the agressor respond? Those would totally change my opinion.

[lilyka]

it would depend on how old the kids are, are other kids there? are you just concerned about paydates at her house? how involved are the parents in play time?

[momo7]

So what do you mean by "aggressive"? Aggressive doesn't always mean violent. To me aggressive means out-going. If my normally shy and introverted child began to be more out-going and assertive...would that be bad? I said out-going and assertive. NOT violent. Big difference. HUGE difference.

[peaceful_mama]

I didn't vote.

I am voting "Depends."

Depends on if the child is disciplined when he is aggressive (and I mean is the aggression addressed *somehow* it can be by holding the child so he can't continue to hurt someone. It's appropriate to start by addressing it through talking.)

However--I would not go if I feel the aggression is not addressed appropriately. And I DO think separation and leaving are eventually necessary, not simply "Oh honey, we need to be gentle." That's great the first time, even twice if it's spaced far apart---like oh 15-20 minutes or more. But after that, I think the child needs to be prevented from continuing to hurt another child. They obviously need a clearer message that this is REALLY NOT OK.

If that did not happen, I would not go. Period. I have a friend I don't bring my dd around hers, even though they are the same age. They plain out don't get along. Will I do that forever, probably not.

[elmh23]

I'm not going to tell you to go or not go, but I will tell you that my son is like your friends son in the way he plays. He's a very physical little boy anyway, but get him around another boy and they're bound to be wrestling, "fighting" and just be all around physical with each other. I have one friend who's son is like yours and I remind my son to be gentle with his friend, but eventually his friend ends up playing with him in the way that my son enjoys. As long as no one gets hurt and everyone is laughing, we let them play like that. The boys have a great affect on each other. Friends son helps my boy play calmly and my son brings hers out of his shell.

All that said, we don't get together with them a lot, mostly because of schedules, but also because it does take a lot of work for the boys to play nicely at first since they have opposite styles. Also, her daughter (same age as my daughter) is pretty rowdy (to put it nicely) and does not get along with my son and the two of them can do a lot of damage to each other, so that complicates our relationship

[mummyofan]

after a lot of thought, I had to go with no, as just like a bad tv show or movie you veto, because of it's agression, I think this playdate politics issue sometimes falls into that category. I think if you did go, (and I don't want to tell you either way) then I would not this time use it as a chance for you to socialise, instead I'd watch the children LIKE A HAWK. Then if you feel it's going ok schedule another one, and if not, some mommy time with your friend alone no children.

[ErinBird]

I would go if I thought I could help redirect aggressive-kid's energy or keep my kid away from aggressive-kid. Otherwise I would pass.

[Just1More]

Not if this kid has a track record and it's messing up my kid's behavior.

It's not worth it to cause my child an issue that we aren't already working through.