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Do you have trouble making friends? - Page 2

post #21 of 89
Oh man this post makes me sad. I'm friendless now and it is depressing. I am sure I do tons of stuff wrong, but obviously I can't seem to control myself LOL. I feel like I try to make friends, but maybe I come off sounding needy (bc I am- hahaha) I tend to think that most people don't have time for another friend. Most people I know here have lived their whole lives here and have friends from when they were in dipes. Now they have kids and just don't have "time".

Me though I have nothing but time. Oh well. In school it was much easier to find a close friend, now.. not so much. I wish I lived close to some MDC mamas again. I tend to talk about a lot of unusual stuff - so I think I come off as weird. I don't know I kinda wish someone would tell me what I do wrong so I could try to fix it.
post #22 of 89
I don't have a hard time making friends, but I have a hard time keeping friends. I always know tons of ppl. But I am picky about who I keep close to me b/c when I decide to embark upon a true friendship, then I dedicate time and effort and love to that relationship. I don't have a lot of time and effort right now, so I don't try to have meaningful girlfriends too often. However when I do, I believe that I get very gung ho and put in a lot of the above mentioned (time love etc.). I often find that it is not reciprocated and I get burned. Well being a very forth right person, I bring it up and let the person know how I feel and that is usually the beginning of the end that comes quickly after that.
My MIL also told me that needy ppl seem to be my specialty and I go into relationships helping ppl. Then comes a point where I'm wanting it to turn into a more even keeled relationship, but it's just not viable b/c of where the other person is at. So it never works out.
I think she's spot on.
All around it's pretty lame.
post #23 of 89
I'm painfully shy with new people. I've even been diagnosed with social anxiety/agoraphobia and in the worst of times, had to take a anti-anxiety med just to go out in public.
I know it's going to be a lifelong struggle for me, and it's something I have to consistently work on if I want friends...which I do.
post #24 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Right of Passage View Post
Again me too. I bite my tongue a lot but find myself correcting people or knowing "everything" about something.
I realized a few years ago that I did this, and have consciously tried to squash the urge. I admit I haven't been totally successful, but at least it's on my radar and I have more self-awareness about it. It's funny, because a trait I dislike in others is being a know-it-all.
post #25 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happiestever View Post
Oh man this post makes me sad. I'm friendless now and it is depressing. I am sure I do tons of stuff wrong, but obviously I can't seem to control myself LOL. I feel like I try to make friends, but maybe I come off sounding needy (bc I am- hahaha) I tend to think that most people don't have time for another friend. Most people I know here have lived their whole lives here and have friends from when they were in dipes. Now they have kids and just don't have "time".

Me though I have nothing but time. Oh well. In school it was much easier to find a close friend, now.. not so much. I wish I lived close to some MDC mamas again. I tend to talk about a lot of unusual stuff - so I think I come off as weird. I don't know I kinda wish someone would tell me what I do wrong so I could try to fix it.
Hey, are you in the SD area by any chance? Nerds unite!

I've been working on being better on making friends for years, and it's certainly gotten easier with a kid, b/c AP mom's groups = friend-making opportunities. But I still find it hard to go from hanging at playgroup to just doing things together. I think part if it is b/c I suck at chatting on the phone. I have great business phone skills, but I have NEVER been the type of girl to just chat on the phone... I get that same thing, where I figure I'm bugging the other person. And being back at work for one year isn't helping (I feel like I'm biding my time to get back to my circle of moms). I know I talk too much and I'll tell myself over and over to be a good listener and beat myself up about it, go over conversations in my head afterward... but I REALLY want to get to that point where you can hang out and just talk and share, so I keep working on it.
post #26 of 89
I push people away if they get too close. I pushed dh away several times. He just kept coming back.
post #27 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I realized a few years ago that I did this, and have consciously tried to squash the urge. I admit I haven't been totally successful, but at least it's on my radar and I have more self-awareness about it. It's funny, because a trait I dislike in others is being a know-it-all.
And this is me, too.
post #28 of 89
I used to have a really hard time making friends, but now I feel like to have a whole bunch of close friends. What changed? It certainly wasn't me. I'm still shy with new people and hate making phone calls. I still have a tendency to turn conversations around to myself and my own stories. But we moved to a different place with lots of people that we have lots in common with. I didn't even have to try to make new friends here; we just fell right into a great network of like-minded people. I know finding the perfect town for you socially and moving there isn't the best option for everyone, though, so that's probably not much help!
post #29 of 89
I have one friend. And she goes & does stuff with other friends of hers but never with me. So I question if she's really my friend.

The really sad/weird/strange/upsetting part is that I'm 27, and when I was 17, just 10 years ago, I was homecoming queen, prom queen, head cheerleader (seriously). So why can't I make friends now? I can't figure it out. Did I peak at 17?

I know it's got to be my own issues, like I'm annoying, or too pushy, or too bossy, or something? But what? I try to be a really good friend, considerate, thoughtful, always returning calls, always on time. I'd just love for someone to tell me very bluntly what I can change about my personality that will attract friends.
post #30 of 89
I'm not good at making friends; I'm not particularly adept socially (not good at reading/remembering faces (I tend to recognize people by height, hair color, & where I usually see them)), tend to stutter when nervous, am generally introverted anyhow (being around groups of people really tires me out), & I have rather focused & obscure interests. Amazingly enough, I actually do have 4 pretty good friends (only 2 live locally, ie w/in an hour's drive), & 3 of the 4 I met though owning the same rare dog breed (one I met at the fair, & we'd bought the same breed of sheep from a local person (who I found on the internet), then discovered we'd the same king of dog, one I met on an internet list for chicken keepers, & sold her a dog, one was a neighbor who bought a puppy from me, & one I went to high school & college with, & rented a room from her parents while we were in college (which I attended with one of my dogs..) A definite theme .

So the people I meet & stay in touch with, tend to be those involved with dogs, poultry, spinning, sheep, education, & certain kinds of crafts. At least I can socialize by discussing exact things like pedigrees, feed components, training techniques, fleece weights, yarn & such, without having to deal with messy social stuff.
post #31 of 89
I have trouble making friends too. I'm shy and I have trouble with small talk. I hate calling people and I can never keep track of phone numbers or anything.

I also have trouble finding friends who have things in common with me. It's even harder now that I'm a parent and I'm not a mainstream parent...and I don't have a lot of other stuff in common with most girls either. I'm not into getting my hair and nails done, shopping, or anything like that. I'd rather stay at home and hang out with the kids than go out to bars or something. I like gardening and animals and farming type things...my 35 chickens scare a lot of people away.
post #32 of 89
I can relate with so much of this!! (Except the "coming off as a know-it-all" thing... that's DH's cross to bear.) And I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts.

I want friends in theory, but I get exhausted at the thought of actually reaching out to people or calling them or making plans. It just feels completely overwhelming, even when it's with someone that I know and like.

People have the impression that I'm a very open, outgoing, bubbly person, but inside I'm nothing like that. So, basically, I'm putting on an act because that's what I was raised to do. WHich explains why I'm so exhausted at the thought of being friendly with people- because the entire time I"m with them I'm acting.
post #33 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie View Post
I don't have a hard time making friends, but I have a hard time keeping friends. I always know tons of ppl. But I am picky about who I keep close to me b/c when I decide to embark upon a true friendship, then I dedicate time and effort and love to that relationship. I don't have a lot of time and effort right now, so I don't try to have meaningful girlfriends too often. However when I do, I believe that I get very gung ho and put in a lot of the above mentioned (time love etc.). I often find that it is not reciprocated and I get burned. Well being a very forth right person, I bring it up and let the person know how I feel and that is usually the beginning of the end that comes quickly after that.
My MIL also told me that needy ppl seem to be my specialty and I go into relationships helping ppl. Then comes a point where I'm wanting it to turn into a more even keeled relationship, but it's just not viable b/c of where the other person is at. So it never works out.
I think she's spot on.
All around it's pretty lame.
I've noticed this about myself as well. I'm like the person that cleans up the mess than I'm no longer needed. It hurts when you love someone and give yourself to them and then find out it was a one way street, their way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaki View Post
I'm painfully shy with new people. I've even been diagnosed with social anxiety/agoraphobia and in the worst of times, had to take a anti-anxiety med just to go out in public.
I know it's going to be a lifelong struggle for me, and it's something I have to consistently work on if I want friends...which I do.


Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
I push people away if they get too close. I pushed dh away several times. He just kept coming back.
Another pusher! Best part is, people that don't know pushers don't realize that when we push that's when we need them the most. Yay for DH/DPs that keep coming back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belia View Post
I can relate with so much of this!! (Except the "coming off as a know-it-all" thing... that's DH's cross to bear.) And I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts.

I want friends in theory, but I get exhausted at the thought of actually reaching out to people or calling them or making plans. It just feels completely overwhelming, even when it's with someone that I know and like.

People have the impression that I'm a very open, outgoing, bubbly person, but inside I'm nothing like that. So, basically, I'm putting on an act because that's what I was raised to do. WHich explains why I'm so exhausted at the thought of being friendly with people- because the entire time I"m with them I'm acting.
I feel like a broken record already, so I won't type those words again. I hate putting on that mask to be around people, it IS exhausting. Giving part of your time or your energy to something else be it a person, the social act/mask, or whatever is exhausting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Happiestever View Post
Oh man this post makes me sad. I'm friendless now and it is depressing. I am sure I do tons of stuff wrong, but obviously I can't seem to control myself LOL. I feel like I try to make friends, but maybe I come off sounding needy (bc I am- hahaha) I tend to think that most people don't have time for another friend. Most people I know here have lived their whole lives here and have friends from when they were in dipes. Now they have kids and just don't have "time".

Me though I have nothing but time. Oh well. In school it was much easier to find a close friend, now.. not so much. I wish I lived close to some MDC mamas again. I tend to talk about a lot of unusual stuff - so I think I come off as weird. I don't know I kinda wish someone would tell me what I do wrong so I could try to fix it.


Like it's been said it's too bad we all don't live in one location we could all be weird, alientating/socially isolating, shy, etc together.
post #34 of 89
Thread Starter 
I have to say that I am very relieved to know that I am not alone out there

I don't always understand people. I can't keep up when people are super wordy and I occasionally miss certain body language cues I am a mess
post #35 of 89
Count me in. I think my biggest issue right now is my seriously screwed up 'why bother' attitude. Between being an introvert, moving frequently for years and years, and getting burnt by people (friends and family) I'm just not into putting forth the time nor energy when it isn't going to last or work out anyway.

At times my life has been ridiculously soap eraish sounding, though it really hasn't been dramatic or anything. My dad disappeared for a few years, then came back, my brother disowned me because he didn't approve of my dp, a cousin attempted to blackmail me over somewhat in my past he thought my dp didn't know (he did know). I also often do too much for people and end up feeling burnt out, but I've gotten better at this too. My last neighbor actually helped me out with this because I was eventually able to set up boundaries with her that I felt comfortable with while still maintaining myself with her socially. Unfortunately I still have no contact with my brother, though we have spoken briefly at funerals over the years. My mother says he is over it. I just don't see a relationship bouncing back from that, but who knows? Its been a good dozen years ago. And I still feel awkward around my father, even though he has recently made efforts to have a relationship, visiting my home, calling, he even asked me to go to the movies with him (*awk*ward, um, no).

I have one very dear friend who lives in a different country who I see once or twice a year and message on the computer pretty often. She's great and I'm glad she still puts up with me and my weirdness and baggage .

I do need to 'get over it' though. People can be really great and awesome and I know I'm missing out on growth and good stuff. Life is just so up and down, wonderful and terrible, yk? I guess I just find it easier to limit myself dedicating time and energy to those who are closest to me and in my life consistently. That said I do make a great effort to be friendly and accept small talk casually because it does NOT come naturally to me. I have also been told people thought I was stuck up until they got to know me. I'm so not stuck up. I think I've made great strides with that. Sometimes I think I have some sort of attachment disorder or something. I'm too afraid of getting hurt and pretty much just feel it will end eventually anyway. Oh and I'm pretty sure my being 'weird' holds me back some as well, lol.
post #36 of 89
I feel I should add that my sister is included in my close people and she is a great friend too. We talk on the phone often and feel safe venting and sharing pretty much everything with each other. We also do kids' birthdays and Halloween together. Her dd and ds get along great with my dd and ds too. Our dds are best friends and talk on the phone and chat on the computer all the time. I'm content with the family and friends I do have and don't really *need* more.
post #37 of 89
Definitely me! I'm pretty socially awkward around new people, I'm shy, and I find being around people I don't know for long amounts of time in more intimate settings to be incredibly draining.

The bright side to all of this is that people like us tend to have fewer friends, but you inevitably stumble onto a few friends who manage to ignore your shyness, stick around, and become your best friends
post #38 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie View Post
I don't have a lot of time and effort right now, so I don't try to have meaningful girlfriends too often. However when I do, I believe that I get very gung ho and put in a lot of the above mentioned (time love etc.). I often find that it is not reciprocated and I get burned. Well being a very forth right person, I bring it up and let the person know how I feel and that is usually the beginning of the end that comes quickly after that.
That's frustrating and hard for me, because if I think a friendship is at a certain level and I assume there will be reciprocation, but then it's almost like I'm made to feel like there is something wrong with that expectation. So I'm always monitoring that I'm not trying to get overly familiar, yet I see people in my life who meet and become friends and actually call each other up on the phone on a regular basis. Or meet on a regular basis. The only way I meet with people is by joining activities and talking to people there.

The inferiority thing I've struggled with for so long, and I kind of feel like it's gotten better these last few years, but I still feel like my size is always going to be an impediment to any kind of social relationship. Then there are my awkward social skills--maybe if I had a better personality there'd be hope.
post #39 of 89
I don't make friends easily at all. I prefer to avoid people when I am out and about although I am much better about it than I used to be. I used to completely shut down, didn't have a clue what to say so I said nothing which made things even worse. I find that when I need friends, I can make them andthen I can and if I don't I am still friendly but I don't do anything to make a relationship stronger. I was totally screwed over by my last 'good friend' and find myself over analyzing potential friends mental health issues to decide how much I want to put myself out there. I have always been more drawn to kinda crazy people- but I need to be careful to avoid certain types of people because I they make me crazy too. This all probably sounds terrible and perhaps it's how I justify my own terrible social skills

At this time in my life, I am busy enough with work, DS, DH and the house so I don't have the energy or time really to nurture a friendship. Perhaps when DS is in school full time, DH is done with school and we have a less chaotic home schedule, things will be different.
post #40 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola View Post
That's frustrating and hard for me, because if I think a friendship is at a certain level and I assume there will be reciprocation, but then it's almost like I'm made to feel like there is something wrong with that expectation. So I'm always monitoring that I'm not trying to get overly familiar, yet I see people in my life who meet and become friends and actually call each other up on the phone on a regular basis. Or meet on a regular basis. The only way I meet with people is by joining activities and talking to people there.

The inferiority thing I've struggled with for so long, and I kind of feel like it's gotten better these last few years, but I still feel like my size is always going to be an impediment to any kind of social relationship. Then there are my awkward social skills--maybe if I had a better personality there'd be hope.

I have learned not to take it too personally. Because it's happened several times in the past several years. I think the mistake for me, is that I actually decide, "okay I want this to be a real friendship" and then like I said I get gung ho..and my husband tells me that I do, overly so. Whereas I think the ppl I'm doing this with, were not "picking" me to be friends and were prob. just wanting to go the more casual route like they do with everyone else. So they are not putting in the same time/thought/effort I am. Then when I get upset that things are not reciprocated, I totally scare them off. I have an aggressive personality. It's nobody's fault really. I think people are just too busy these days. And I just haven't found an even keeled friendship yet.

to you for understanding this position. I know what you mean about being made to feel weird too.
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