Dealing with the emotional side of being a pack rat

[Magelet]

I can hardly bear to throw/give anything away. Seriously, I'm always thinking "I might come up with a use for that beautiful fabric!" or "but but but but my kids might want that someday" or "I might want that someday" or "I could make rags with that" despite the fact that I have no clue what I would do with a tank top's worth of a nice printed silk, and my kids probably won't want all the crap I'm keeping for my not yet born kids (that would partly be my mom's fault, at least in the teaching. When I was going to sell some of my dolls that have been in a box since I was ten, she wanted me to wait and think whether my kids might want them someday *rolls eyes* I have so much stuff at my parents for my future kids that I'm sure they won't want.), and I haven't wanted it for years now and I haven't made rags with it, etc.

I can't bear to throw things out that have the slightest memory.

-The model airplane I made with my dad, that's half broken and shoved on a shelf in my childhood room at my dad's house.
-every stuffed animal I was ever given by either of my parents (even if I don't want it, I worry that they might be offended. and some of them, like easter bunnies from the easter bunny that I got at 17, I'm so not attached to.)
-the clothes I raided from my mom's closet, some of which I now wear regularly, some of which are still sitting in a trashbag on my tiny closet floor, because let's face it, I'm not going to tailor that suit, and if I did it's 20 years out of date, and even so, I don't have anywhere to wear it. etc.

I WANT to declutter and simplify, I'm just not quite sure where to get started on dealing with my excessive emotional attachment to THINGS. (and the feeling that as soon as I get rid of it, I will want it.)

both my parents were hoarders, and it happened often that they would sell things at a garage sale, and then 2 years later, go out and purchase an inferior version because prices had gone up, and we now needed something like that.

Please help me. where do I start?

[zoebird]

well, you have already started. you have the desire to change your patterns, and so there you go.

but, there are four major "excuses:"

1. i could use it "someday"
2. my kids might what it "someday"
3. i could repurpose it (rags) "someday"
4. my mom/friend/coworker might be upset if i get rid of it!

this then leads to being brutally honest with your self with these questions:

1. will i really use it someday?

2. will my kids really want it? and even if they did, would they be "OK" without it anyway? or would i be able to replace it with something similar?

3. am i really going to repurpose this? do i need more rags/etc?

4. am i willing to face some one else's upset over my choices or will i allow their upset to rule how i choose to live? am i willing to allow them their emotions without taking them on such that their emotions (or my fear of their emotions) impose on the way that i want to live?

At the end of the day, you are holding onto things out of fear (fear of loosing those things) and guilt (afraid of how others will feel if you do get rid of something).

here is the reality. if you loose that bit of cloth, and you need it, you can replace it. if you need that object, you can replace it.

and what you really dn't need is a fear of someone else's emotional response dictating whether or not you do something (keep or get rid of 'stuff').

ok? keep going!

[Shellie]

Well, for me, I had to get frustrated enough with the clutter to be motivated to change, no matter how painful it was. We moved from AZ to CA in 2005 and our stuff filled up the same space two households normally take up on the truck. Our bill was $17k, based on weight. My parents moved as well and their move was only about $9k...and they are packrats too. So I knew we had a huge problem--and we'd already gotten rid of quite a bit!

We got serious about purging (and dh finally on board) and we were living in a rented house with a 3-car garage. We filled our entire garage twice and had the stuff hauled away. We still had lots left, including a couple dozen big boxes of our own childhood keepsakes and keepsakes from our older children. We ended up paring that down to 4 Rubbermaid totes.

We gave away enough books (all our college textbooks, most of my high school textbooks and just years' worth of collecting them) to fill my Expedition, with both the 2nd and 3rd rows folded down!

We have since purged holiday decorations--down to 4 totes from about a dozen.

The books, holiday decor, childhood keepsakes, etc. were all sentimental to me. I'd lugged around al my childhood stuffed animals until I was 33! I gave away all but 5 (mostly small ones) and took pictures of everything else.

I would just ask myself--what am I getting out of keeping this? I don't use it, I don't play with it, I don't even really usually look at it...and what's it costing me in storage space, time to dust it, etc? I realized that we'd gone from a 1200 sq ft house to a 2000 sq ft house to a 3300 sq ft house...not necessarily because of the people in our house, but because of the stuff! So I was really determined to downsize into a more reasonably-sized house (we wanted something way more affordable).

It's still a constant activity--if I slack at all I end up having to re-purge things. Every time I purge I get more brutal too. So it's been a long process.

I'll tell you what though. It's been extremely rare that we miss something we get rid of. Out of hundreds of keepsakes, I can't think of any I really miss. Same for the books. For things like small appliances, I did re-buy a waffle iron. Honestly though...I gave away a $15 waffle iron and was free from needing to store it for a few years. Re-buying a newer model (with non-stick that actually worked) for $15 later on wasn't such a loss to me since I hadn't had to store/move it. Dh sold almost all his power tools (some had never even been used!) when we moved a year ago. A couple times there's been a grumble of "I could make that for you if I still had my ________" but honestly it makes more sense for us to make due with what we have (that's been easy) or rent something if we really need it. Like when we put in sod last year...dh had given away a barrel roller many years beforehand. We arranged to borrow one from this guy we met...that was much better than having stored one in our small garage for 5 years! LOL Even if we'd had to pay $30 to rent one...5 years of reclaiming that space would have been worth it for us.

[CeciMami]

Originally Posted by zoebird

3. am i really going to repurpose this? do i need more rags/etc?

That is a very specific point to make. I used to keep a ton of old towels, t-shirts, socks, etc...all under the guise of "but they'll make great rags someday! It'd be wasteful to throw them away!". What I realized after a while was that *really* I only needed about 4-6 rags total. By the time those rags had been washed into threads and were no longer usable, I invariably would have yet another towel or t-shirt that was ready to be repurposed and so I didn't have to store a garbage bag full of old stuff to dig through when I needed it! Now my rags live in a small basket in my laundry room, they take up almost no space and I even had plenty (because I kept one towel full sized for larger messes) to sop up all the water that leaked all under the kitchen sink when the disposal had it's melt down. That experience, specifically, taught me that I had "enough" and didn't need "more".

I know that this is just one detail of the overall de-cluttering picture...just thought I'd share!

[Juvysen]

[Crayfish]

Have you tried any of the books on the topic? Some that might help are:

Peter Walsh's _It's All Too Much_.
Don Aslett's _Clutter's Last Stand_.
Don Aslett's _Not For Packrats Only_.
Don Aslett's _Clutter Free_.
Don Aslett's _Lose 200 Pounds This Weekend_.
David Tolin's _Buried in Treasures_.

The Don Aslett books are what really got me decluttering, and they can still get me moving. I'd suggest that you get one Aslett book (probably Clutter's Last Stand) and read it even if my description and the pictures of the cover convince you that you'd never like them. There's something very valuable in there, in spite of the jokes and cartoons. If you still hate it after that, OK, ignore the others.

_It's All Too Much_ is much more organized and analytical and readable as a book. I find it somehow less persuasive than Aslett's stuff, but it gives you more of a concrete plan of work. One line that I _did_ find very persuasive was "So hoarding pictures of your son is more important than giving him a place to play today?"

_Buried in Treasures_ is a more mental-health oriented book and Dr. Tolin's views are not all that popular among children of hoarders (which includes me), but some people like it.

I'm the daughter of a hoarder, and I think that I have _some_ hoarding genes, but for me it's more learned behavior that I was able to mostly un-learn by having my "but I might need it!" logic gently mocked and cheerleadered out of me by the Don Aslett books.

And there's also nothing wrong with getting outside help. A professional organizer, a therapist, or both. Hoarding can really hurt you and any kids that you have or will have, so it's worth seeking help.

Crayfish

[rhiOrion]

Just thought that I'd take a second to say that I totally get you on this. I'm the exact same way, especially about attachments to things. Even if I don't have a particular sentimental attachment to something I feel guilty for getting rid of it.

We just moved, and I have a dining room full of boxes- of which probably half could be thrown/given away.

It's making unpacking really difficult, because there is just so much stuff!

[Crayfish]

So, some specific advice:

- Part of clutter overload is often based on fear of making a mistake. Try to keep in mind that mistakes are fine. Mistakes are recoverable. And inevitable. They don't mean that you're stupid or bad or anything else. You can't make progress without making mistakes. If someone in your past yelled and screamed at you for making mistakes, tell that voice in your mind to Just Shut Up. There's nothing wrong with mistakes.

- Perfectionism also often contributes. For example, you might be see some old threadbare towels on a shelf in the hall closet, that you feel that you can get rid of. But you feel that you need to clean out the _whole_ closet, and get it perfect, and get all the giveaway stuff to exactly the right person, and find the right way to put away that shaving mug, but to put away that shaving mug you feeel that you need to clean out the curio cabinet where it belongs and get it all perfect first, but the curio cabinet is full of bills, and you feel that you need to file those bills, but to do that you feel that you need to clean out the entire file cabinet and get it perfect, and... you just give up and go away.

So break that cycle. If that shelf of the linen closet has four old threadbare towels that you're ready to get rid of, _just extract the towels_, and leave the rest of the dust and junk sitting there. Getting those towels out of the house is one good solid bite of progress. Reject the perfectionism that tells you that if you touch the shelf you must get it perfect. Reject "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right". Instead, embrace, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

The main goal of decluttering is getting stuff out of the house. If there's _anything_ that you can get out of the house, I'd recommend going around with a trashbag and a donation box and extracting those things, without worrying the least little bit about organizing what's left behind, and without worrying about the stuff that's hard to make yourself get rid of. If you can't get rid of your mother's suit, can you get rid of panty hose with runs in them? If you can't get rid of panty hose with runs in them, can you get rid of the panty hose packages? If you can't get rid of he panty hose packages, can you get rid of the paper bag that they came home in and the receipt from buying them?

If you find that you can't get rid of _anything_, anything whatsoever, if you sorted for hours and hours and you don't even have a trashcan half-full, then I think that it is time to seek help. (And it's a good thing to seek help anyway.)

But if you can get rid of some stuff, go through and get rid of it. Ignore the stuff that's hard, as long as some stuff is going. And when that "easy" stuff is gone, go through everything again and see if you can get rid of some of the stuff that was too hard to get rid of before. You'll be a very slightly different person now - you will have established the idea of getting rid of stuff a bit more in your mind, and you will have experienced the fact that stuff went away and you survived. You will have strengthened your decluttering muscles just a little bit. So you may be able to get rid of more. And then, next round, more.

This can be hard on the perfectionist, because it seems like one sweep through a drawer should get it done once and for all. But it just doesn't work that way. If you are getting stuff out of the house, stuff with some visible volume, then you're doing the job.

Don't worry that it appears that the piles are just as big or even bigger, _as long as_ full trashcans and trash bags and donate boxes are leaving the house, and as long as you're not bringing a ton of new stuff in the house. If there's a steady state of more stuff leaving than is coming in, then eventually the difference will start to show. And someday enough stuff will be gone that it's worth starting to organize what's left. But for now, that's not your job - for now, and probably for at least several months, probably longer, your job is getting stuff out of the house.

Crayfish

[Magelet]

Hmm, ok, I'll start thinking more about the reasons I'm keeping stuff, and if I REALLY really need it.

The main goal of decluttering is getting stuff out of the house. If there's _anything_ that you can get out of the house, I'd recommend going around with a trashbag and a donation box and extracting those things, without worrying the least little bit about organizing what's left behind, and without worrying about the stuff that's hard to make yourself get rid of. If you can't get rid of your mother's suit, can you get rid of panty hose with runs in them? If you can't get rid of panty hose with runs in them, can you get rid of the panty hose packages? If you can't get rid of he panty hose packages, can you get rid of the paper bag that they came home in and the receipt from buying them?

ok, I think I can do that. Thank you. It might be hard to find some of that crap since it's hidden under other crap, however I think I can do that.


(as for more rags, yeah, I kinda do need more, because even though I have a few, we don't do laundry often enough. (grrr to shared apartment building crappy coin operated laundry that you can't just leave the clothes in and go do other stuff then come back when you are availible and it seems like the only hours to do the laundry end too late to do it after work, and can't pop it in and leave it before work)

thank you. you ladies have given me some fabulous help and support.

[Magelet]

sorry to double post, just wanted to update!!!

I already threw out a grocery bag and a quarter of paper bags/boxes/junk paper from the closet, a small baggie of plastic trash from the closet, and just got back on the comp only to look up goodwill donation sites for a grocery bag of a couple books and a bunch of clothes I haven't worn and won't wear. (I don't plan on EVER getting that big again, and some of them, no way my bones are getting that small again, since they're from childhood.)

Thanks. please keep up the encouragement and suggestions!!! s

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by Magelet

sorry to double post, just wanted to update!!!

I already threw out a grocery bag and a quarter of paper bags/boxes/junk paper from the closet, a small baggie of plastic trash from the closet, and just got back on the comp only to look up goodwill donation sites for a grocery bag of a couple books and a bunch of clothes I haven't worn and won't wear. (I don't plan on EVER getting that big again, and some of them, no way my bones are getting that small again, since they're from childhood.)

Thanks. please keep up the encouragement and suggestions!!! s

: Congratulations! I find that the more stuff I get rid of, the better I feel about getting rid of other stuff. It's sort of a freeing experience. The other thing is, reading on the decluttering forum helps remind me to DO it. Am I done? no, still have a long way to go before I'm even close to happy, and then there's just the constant maintenance, but I'm getting better.

I agree with PP about the perfectionism aspect of it. I'm definitely a perfectionist and it gets really daunting, but once i make the decision to ditch *some* stuff, usually I'm ready to do more the next day, and more the next...

Some of the stuff, if I'm just not sure about it, I'll put it in a specific place for a specific length of time - like a couple weeks. Then, after getting rid of a bunch of other stuff I come back and think about whether I have a *place* for this thing that I'm attached to, or whether it really has no place in our home. I almost always immediately get rid of it, I find. Very interesting.

[seashells]

Just some encouragement. I think we all have to find our perfect amount of pressure - not too much, not too little. That point is different for all of us.

Some people kind of overload with the pressure to get rid of stuff, and do better when they stop agonizing over specific things. They can just tell themselves "hey, if I'm not ready to part with it right this minute I'll put it back and move on." That works if they are able to indeed purge some stuff, it's ok to leave other stuff to think about for later.

But other people work better with more pressure. For example, setting a goal to fill a certain size bag or box to get rid of. It doesn't matter what you put in it, but just fill it up with the stuff you consider to be the lowest priority possessions. The question then is not "could I possibly use this in the future?" but "would I rather keep this or that?" Changing the parameters of the question can help.

Personally the place I get the most stuck is not wanting to trash things. I would gladly give many things away but would not want to stick those same things in the landfill. Fortunately I'm not picky about who the things go to, and I don't worry about whether or how they will use them. So, Freecycle is my friend. I've worked out a bit of a system where a corner of my (enclosed) front porch is where I stick stuff to Freecycle. It does mean that the clutter piles up a bit, but I do list on Freecycle every now and then and it gets gone. The alternative for me is that it stays in my house, you know? But I know myself and I know I can pile up stuff to give away and trust that I will eventually get to it. Others might find this to be a trap.

Another thing I do is I have a sort of cabinet in my closet (freestanding, bought it at WalMart years and years ago) and I put things in it that I might be willing to let go but am not really sure I don't need them. At the moment those things are specifically a set of sheets and some blankets, plus some clothes that I like but aren't sure will ever fit me again. So maybe every year I go through it. If I didn't miss the thing, then out it goes. If I go "omg, I wondered where this went!" or "hey, I'm actually losing weight and only 5 pounds from being able to wear this again!", I keep it. Fortunately I keep very few things, but this process allows me to feel comfortable. I once did a deep purge of my closet under a lot of external pressure, and I regret it. I want to kind of keep the trust in myself, if that makes sense. That way I feel I can keep doing it. If I had a lot of regrets I think that would freeze me up. Again, that process won't work for everyone - some people would put way too many things in the cabinet that should just be purged outright, or, worse, clutter up an entire attic or garage or basement but never actually review it. But if you know yourself it could be useful.

[seashells]

Oh, I thought of another idea for you. Consider photographing certain sentimental things. That way you can still hold on to the memory of it, but it a lot less space (hopefully digital).

[rhiandmoi]

Magelet - we totally need to meet in real life. I'll pm you.

As for the clutter, I find that all clutter is not the same, and needs to be approached from different angles.

Like the things that are going to be rags. I had a huge pile of stuff that was going to be rags. But while they were stll tshirts and towels they were just wasting space. You have to set aside 30 mins to make rags. I found out that I had saved about 10 times more potential rags than I needed. I did save a bit more rags than I need but I was able to let go of most of the excess because I could plainly see that I didn't need it.

Clothes that are out of style or don't fit or i just don't like to wear I put into a bag and then give it a cooling of period. At least a week but sometimes as long as a year. Things that are getting a long cooling off period because they are seasonal items go into space bags in the garage or under the bed. If they don't get pulled out the next time that season comes around they go.

Useful things like kitchen stuff I do a similar cooling off period. I set it aside and if I don't need it within a month i let it go. In some ways it easier because I know once it gets to the thrift store someone else is going to have it and it is going to be useful for them.

Sentimental things are hard. I just try to let go of them one at a time and not overwhelm myself. As soon as I start to feel overwhelmed I stop put what I have aside for a cooling off period. Before they go I will go on a rescue mission and allow myself to rescue 1 thing. Most of the time I can still let everything go but sometimes I do rescue.

[lucyem]

Things that helped me to get rid of stuff:

-"Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston. The clearing clutter part of the book really resonated with me. She goes through all the reasons we keep things and reasons why you should let go of it. I was able to look at my things differently and realize why I had so much stuff.

-realizing half my mess was useless stuff and the other half was stuff that we needed but did not have a spot to be put away into because the spot was filled with more useless stuff.

-I give myself time. Baby clothing for example. I donated a lot but still had quite a bit I could not part with. Every year I managed to go through the pile and it was easier and easier to part with more. Eventually I managed to have one small box of special baby clothing I want to keep for grandchildren or because it really means something to me still 5 years later. I do not force myself to do it all at once.

They say that people who declutter everything at once start to hoard things again because they do not deal with the emotions behind the clutter in the first place. I think of it all as a process.

[kdtmom2be]

Originally Posted by Magelet

sorry to double post, just wanted to update!!!

I already threw out a grocery bag and a quarter of paper bags/boxes/junk paper from the closet, a small baggie of plastic trash from the closet, and just got back on the comp only to look up goodwill donation sites for a grocery bag of a couple books and a bunch of clothes I haven't worn and won't wear. (I don't plan on EVER getting that big again, and some of them, no way my bones are getting that small again, since they're from childhood.)

Thanks. please keep up the encouragement and suggestions!!! s

Yes, thanks from me too! After reading Zoebird's post I went to the front porch and tossed the frying pans in the garbage that MIL wanted me to keep for her because "they're still good enough for ME to use!" Whatever, they've been sitting in my house for FIVE years now!!! So they're gone, finally, along with a few other odds and ends. THEN I went and sorted through baby toys and bought a table at the local kids-swap to sell off all the toys, clothes and baby gear that we need to get rid of and put together a box in which to put things as I find them between now and then. I already have a big rubbermade tote full of stuff.

[Juliacat]

You love your parents very much. You have made many happy memories with them and with your other friends and relatives. Getting rid of everything you don't CURRENTLY use will NOT take away the lovely memories you have. It will make more space in your life for new happy memories. There's a 99% chance that you will never need or use what you get rid of, and a 1% chance that you will make a mistake and throw away something you later find you could have used. Guess what, though? You'll be able to either replace it or do without it--the world will not end--and in the meantime, you will love the extra physical and emotional space you will have.

[autumnfairy76]

Just wanted to add to your reading list!

Clutter busting by Brooks Palmer was excellent!!
http://www.clutterbusting.com/Site/Home.html
You can check out his blog here to get a taste of it.
He really addresses the emotional attachment to clutter as a main issue and talks about how to deal with it.
I haven't read any of the other clutter books, but I LOVE this one!