On a scale of one to ten how mad would you be?

[hakeber]

So we recently moved into a secured condo community with play parks at either end, and part of the joy of living here is that DS can run around with all the other kids his age outside from the time he comes home until dinner and we can still see him and hear him.

Well yesterday I went out to collect him and found him at a friend's house, which is fine, I knew he was going there. Ds will be five on Monday and his friend has just turned five not long ago. I find the two of them ALONE in the house!! ALONE! I said "Where's your mom, Maggie?" Absoutely INCREDLOUS that they could really be alone...and she says "Oh, she left about five minutes ago for school at the church. my dad will be home soon."

I said "right, we're having pizza for dinner, who wants to come?" and dragged them both back to my house and left a note for her dad to call when he came home."

All of this took about another five minutes with shoe finding and walking home.

About ten minutes later he called saying "oh well I guess my wife figured I'd be home soon." ladeedadeeda "I have popcorn for them. Maggie sent me out demanding popcorn [I mean is that supposed to be funny that you take demands from your child?], you can send them over if you want."

I tried to sound non-judgemental, but seriously? Popcorn for dinner?!

I said "well Benjamin needs to eat dinner, and we're just about to have some pizza, but I can send her home if you like."

He says: "Oh that's okay, you can send her over later then."

Since I had said she could have pizza with us I obviously let her stay, but then sent her straight home afterwards.

I was floored! I also had a really serious talk with Benjamin that if that ever happens again he is to take Maggie and bring her here IMMEDIATELY, they should never ever stay in a house alone without grown ups, because something bad could happen, an earthquake, a fire,they might get into any number of things! I think he understands. ETA I would say leave her there, but she told me she'd be too scared all alone.

But then I think maybe I am over reacting, afterall, we let them ride their bikes up and down the street and play in the park with their friends all afternoon only checking on them every half hour or less...am I over reacting?

How mad would you be, because if I didn't think this little girl was getting left on her own a lot, I would definitely NOT be letting Benjamin play with her anymore!

[Alyantavid]

I'd react about the same way. Secure or not, anything could happen no matter where you live. And I think you handled it well.

[nextcommercial]

I left my child home alone for a few minutes at that age. Not with friends in the house, and not with the freedom to come and go as she pleases.

I don't think I would worry too much about it really. I would just make the rule that Benjamin is only allowed to play over there if her MOm or Dad are there with them.

I had neighbor kids who stayed home for a few hours after school when they were in Kindergarten and first grade.

[sophiesgrandma]

If you're so upset about them being alone in the house, why are you not upset about leaving him alone in a park and riding around for 30 minutes at a time? Anything can happen. I would'nt rely on the security as that can fail and how do you know that all the people in the community are ok?
I don't believe a 5 year old should be without a responsible person with him.

[choli]

I guess I just don't understand why they are safe alone outdoors but not indoors?

To me, 10 minutes alone in a secure environment is not a big deal, but everyone's comfort level is different.

[notneb]

I would be very upset as well. If you, as a parent, decide to leave your own child home for a few minutes while you run to the store, I have no problem with that. BUT, it's not a decision anyone should presume to make for another child and their parents. They should have communicated with you and checked to make sure that it was alright with you for your child to be unsupervised in their home.

[Kuba'sMama]

I guess the way I think about it, out of the two scenarios, I'd rather have a 5 year old alone with one other friend for 15 minutes, then "run around with all the other kids outside from the time he comes home until dinner".
If we were thinking of "worst-case scenarios" then I can come up with more for the latter. But that's just my opinion. In defence of the father too, if he saw your son running around unsupervised, then he probably assumed he's alright alone in a house for a couple of minutes. I'd be tempted to make that same assumption.
And I did grow up running around unsupervised for hours in my neighbourhood, so there's no judgment, just honest observation.

[earthmama369]

I don't think that's Maggie's parents' fault. If you're ok with him playing outside without you, then you're ok with him making judgment calls and learning from them. And it seems very developmentally appropriate for a 5-year-old to figure he can go in his friend's house with her to play. I could totally see my daughter making that decision. If you're not comfortable with that level of development and judgment, then I think you need to keep him in line-of-sight until he's a bit older.

[anj_rn]

Unsupervised is unsupervised, whether it is outside or inside. I am assuming that the mom thought that is was OK since you were not monitoring 24/7. I would let her know you are not comfortable with your DS alone in a house w/o grownups since he could get into so much, and ask them to send him home if they are leaving.

[hakeber]

hmmmmm

Well, we're talking about a one street gated condo community and my yard opens on to the play park on the one end and the other is at the other end of the row next to the guard's house but it's literally the length of one city block. I know all the neighbors and their kids. Their are 20 homes in total closed off with a gate and patrolled by two guards. Most of us leave our doors open all afternoon and the kids are always in earshot and if I walk out my door and look left or right he'll be in my line of sight. It's like one big backyard...I don't, however, know what's in their homes. They could have knives, matches, guns, drugs in unsecure places, who knows? Not to mention the very real threat of sudden earthquakes, which would be much safer for them to be outside.

Six or seven, I can see, even one kid alone in his or her own house, I can see. I've run across the main road for three minutes to grab something from the store and left ds watching a cartoon, but I told my neighbor. I would never leave two kindergarteners unsupervised...mischief multiplies, ime.

I just don't see why she didn't send them over to my house.

[Mpenny1001]

If I were the other mom and I knew you let your kid stay outside unsupervised for 30 minutes at a time, I would assume you wouldn't mind that your kid was unsupervised at my house for 10-15 minutes. It simply wouldn't occur to me that you differentiated between outside and inside.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

I don't think that's Maggie's parents' fault. If you're ok with him playing outside without you, then you're ok with him making judgment calls and learning from them. And it seems very developmentally appropriate for a 5-year-old to figure he can go in his friend's house with her to play. I could totally see my daughter making that decision. If you're not comfortable with that level of development and judgment, then I think you need to keep him in line-of-sight until he's a bit older.

I'm fine with him going to a friend's house, and with her coming here, I'm not crazy about that house not having grown ups at home.

I guess I don't see him playing outside my door or on our block as scary, but inside someone house there are all sorts of dangers I can't see, and don't know about. He told me he was going to play at her house, Her mom even called to let me know he was there, so why didn't she call to say she wouldn't be? That's weird to me.

[Mpenny1001]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I'm fine with him going to a friend's house, and with her coming here, I'm not crazy about that house not having grown ups at home.

I guess I don't see him playing outside my door or on our block as scary, but inside someone house there are all sorts of dangers I can't see, and don't know about. He told me he was going to play at her house, Her mom even called to let me know he was there, so why didn't she call to say she wouldn't be? That's weird to me.

I think you could just explain it to the mom in that way - you are comfortable with him outside because you can easily peek out at him, but you prefer to have him with an adult inside since you can't see what's going on. I wouldn't blame her or anything, just sort of a, "You know, now that he was without an adult in a different house for a few minutes, I realized I'm not quite comfortable with that yet. If it happens again, please send the kiddos down to me so I can watch them."

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Mpenny1001

If I were the other mom and I knew you let your kid stay outside unsupervised for 30 minutes at a time, I would assume you wouldn't mind that your kid was unsupervised at my house for 10-15 minutes. It simply wouldn't occur to me that you differentiated between outside and inside.

Really? wow...30 minutes on the playground and the sidewalk literally outside our doors (and btw, everyone here lets their kids run out there to play because we can see them from the windows), where we can see and hear our kids the whole time, vs 20+ minutes alone inside a house totally unsupervised and hidden from view? same?

I guess I am being crazy.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Mpenny1001

I think you could just explain it to the mom in that way - you are comfortable with him outside because you can easily peek out at him, but you prefer to have him with an adult inside since you can't see what's going on. I wouldn't blame her or anything, just sort of a, "You know, now that he was without an adult in a different house for a few minutes, I realized I'm not quite comfortable with that yet. If it happens again, please send the kiddos down to me so I can watch them."

That's a good idea. Thanks.

[RheaSilva]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Really? wow...30 minutes on the playground and the sidewalk literally outside our doors (and btw, everyone here lets their kids run out there to play because we can see them from the windows), where we can see and hear our kids the whole time, vs 20+ minutes alone inside a house totally unsupervised and hidden from view? same?

I guess I am being crazy.

I don't think you're being crazy per se. I think the problem might be that we are having trouble envisioning exactly the playground situation and are having a difficult time with the idea of mom being in the house and having to look outside from a window to see if the child is okay.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Mpenny1001

If I were the other mom and I knew you let your kid stay outside unsupervised for 30 minutes at a time, I would assume you wouldn't mind that your kid was unsupervised at my house for 10-15 minutes. It simply wouldn't occur to me that you differentiated between outside and inside.

That's what I thought... if it freaks you out, though, it freaks you out. It's your kid, so obviously you set the rules for him based on your comfort level.

[mamazee]

I don't think you're crazy, and I do think it's different. Kids running around outside are part unsupervised but part supervised by everyone in a close knit neighborhood. Every yard they play in has a parent outside or in the house easy to reach or yell to if there is a problem. But in a house with no parent and out of the ear shot of the rest of the neighborhood as well is not the same scenario.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by RheaSilva

I don't think you're being crazy per se. I think the problem might be that we are having trouble envisioning exactly the playground situation and are having a difficult time with the idea of mom being in the house and having to look outside from a window to see if the child is okay.

Ahhh, Okay, so imagine one block of a street, with a gate at one end and a high fence at the other. It's sort of like having one long front yard shared by twenty houses with climbing frames at either end. So when we first moved here I sat outside (on the ground) the whole time he was out there, and sometimes I still do. But there's not really anywhere for me to sit out there with dd from 3pm to 6pm, and I have to get dinner on at some point.

Everyone else's kids were just out there running around and having fun, no parents directly there for the over four set, just chatting in the front of the houses or like me just inside cooking or working or whatever.

But I guess I can see why she thought it would be okay...thanks for the perspective ladies!

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I don't think you're crazy, and I do think it's different. Kids running around outside are part unsupervised but part supervised by everyone in a close knit neighborhood. Every yard they play in has a parent outside or in the house easy to reach or yell to if there is a problem. But in a house with no parent and out of the ear shot of the rest of the neighborhood as well is not the same scenario.

Yes, That's it exactly!