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The awfulness of suicide - it's been two years...

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I lost a good friend to suicide back in March of 2008 (March 12th). Actually I really loved him. He was my buddy. He was a very valuable person and we were closer than even people in his family know.

The really... *sigh*...awful this is that he contacted me on a "where are you now" website thing in the January and I never got the message - he said he missed me and that he would love to talk with me. We were thousands of miles apart then, and we were still thousands of miles apart when he hung himself on March 12th of 2008.

It's been two years and I'm still so...very sad about it. He was a good person. He would have made a good Dad. He was funny and curious and wonderfully entertaining, and like I said, so valuable. He had some problems with drugs and alcohol and I guess his friends simply thought he was having a good time.

Some of them still say "oh, same old Matty, I bet he's having a ball wherever he is," but he wasn't "having a ball" any time. He was deeply depressed. He took drugs and got drunk to try to get past that. He wasn't a happy guy, and every time I hear that attempt at comforting I get this real pain in my chest because he wasn't happy, he was sad - so sad that he took his own life, and none of us realized until he was dead.

He looked like James Dean - so handsome. He loved exploring the world. I'm still thousands of miles away from his grave, but I would desperately love to go to his grave and put some roses on it for him. I wish I could hug his lovely sister and his brother and his parents, because I know that his mother especially spent years worrying about him, and then everything she feared happened, and I am so full of sorrow for her.

Really I wish I could have done something better in the January. Because no matter how you look at it, I do feel I could have helped before it got to that stage. I wish I could have just had a conversation with him. I've been there - suicidal - in my teens. Talking does help. Reaching out should have helped. I should have checked my messages. I will always, always wish I had checked my messages on that otherwise completely useless site.

Perhaps heartbreak never fades. I don't think I'll ever stop being sad about it. He was really dear to me and I wish he was still alive.

Anyway that's it. I wanted to honor him somehow. Rest in peace, my good friend Matty.
post #2 of 12
I'm so, so sorry
post #3 of 12
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is terrible.
I had a friend also who committed suicide and 3 weeks before I received an email from him that I kind of put off a little, not realizing it would be the last one.
post #4 of 12
I'm sorry for your loss and understand how you feel. I lost a friend a year or so after we graduated high school. He was like your Matty, always depressed and we would talk to help him through it. On that fateful day he didn't call anyone. Drank antifreeze and when to sleep never to wake again. Life will never be the same without them.

post #5 of 12
Thinking of you and Matty - I hope he has found peace.

post #6 of 12

post #7 of 12
My best friend Jill died March 15, 2008. A (likely) drug overdose. No autopsy was performed per family request.

We were also far apart. She was in Texas and I am in Pennsylvania. I wish I had seen this thread earlier because the weeks leading up to March 15 were hard for me. What I wish most of all is that I had told Jill back in January that she should go live with her sister. I didn't know how bad it had gotten, and she called to ask if she should move to Dallas. She explained some of what was happening and I asked her if she loved Austin and she said yes, and that she would be lonely in Dallas, so I told her to stay where she was happy. Which is great advice, but I bet if I were closer to her, I would have sussed out how bad it had gotten for her. She was truly far too good of a person to not be here. It physically hurts some days to be here on this planet without her.

X- Come Back to Me
post #8 of 12
So so so sorry-
DH and I had a college housemate who committed suicide 2 years ago. You are completely right, the heartbreak never fades.

Peace to you and your friend
post #9 of 12
I'm so sorry. What you wrote is beautiful and a lovely tribute to Matty.

One of my good friends lost her son to suicide 4 years ago now. None of us saw it coming...it just blindsided us.

And I know it's tough, but don't be so hard on yourself about the message. You didn't know he contacted you. It's not like you got the message and then ignored it, which happened in my case. My father and I had been estranged for years after my parents' divorce...no contact at all. One day in December, 16 years ago, a Christmas card just showed up out of the blue. I was so angry I said, "Well, I'm not replying to him. Forget it, after all this..." He was killed in a car accident 2 weeks later. Yes, I still regret it. But I've also spent so much of my time since then atoning for it in a sense...I did my MA thesis on the community where my dad grew up. I worked on the family genealogy (something he was so keen on) ever since. I got to know all of my dad's relatives and I'm still in contact with them. I like to think that all of this...the writing, the thesis, the relatives, family tree...all that stuff is a fraction of the good I've worked to create from my own tragedy. I know you may never stop being sad about it, but you can also use that energy, when you're ready, to create a lasting legacy for him, in whatever way you wish.

Wishing you peace...((HUGS))
post #10 of 12
post #11 of 12
I am so so sorry. Reading this made my heart hurt for you.
post #12 of 12
Big ! Suicide leaves those left behind very empty. My brother shot himself in June of 2000. It has been almost 10 years. His birthday is on Sunday and my father brought up that his birthday was coming maybe assuming I didn't realize it. I always remember his birthday and the day we found out, but the pain does fade. It won't ever go away, of course, because you loved him but it isn't so raw. I know the anniversary was last month, but I still wanted to send you some healing
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