mama guilt and new baby #2

[yentroc]

Does the mama guilt ever go away?

Ds (baby #2) is 3 months old. Dd (first baby) is 5 years old. I feel like I go to bed riddled with guilt every night because dd who is used to getting all of me, is not getting enough attention, etc from me other than "be careful, don't touch baby brother's eyes, don't climb on me while nursing, etc".

And then on the other hand, I feel like I'm not as connected to ds as I was dd at this age. I just don't have the luxury of time to dote on him and connect to him. So then I feel guilty about that.

I'm well aware that we are still in the adjustment stage for all of us. Those of you with two or more, especially with large age gaps, how do you deal with this? And does the balancing act get easier?

[sophiesgrandma]

My dd was just 2 when ds was born. Ds was very needy from day 1 to after 3 months. I was always feeling guilty about dd as ds was always bfing or in arms. She was always following close behind me (kind of under my butt). Ds had alot of tummy pain and cried and she would say "put him back in the box" (the first time she saw him he was in an incubator). I felt best in the middle of the night when she slept and I could focus all my attention on him.
It was hard but I gave her lots of hugs and did the best I could.
After 3 months everything got alot better. I could breastfeed one handedly and learned how to do everything with one hand (the slings were not good in those days). i also felt much better and was alot more active and sleeping better as he was sleeping better.
This is all to say things will get alot better and easier for you-don't despair. Soon you will be feeling like an expert with both children.

[annettemarie]

Going from one to two was the hardest adjustment for me (I have 4 now). It does get easier. Well, maybe easier is the wrong word. But I promise, you will eventually find your groove as a mama of two.

[pianojazzgirl]

As your littlest grows older you will be able to see not only what your children are missing (100% of mommy's attention), but also what they have GAINED by having a sibling. And I really believe the gain is much greater than the loss.

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

As your littlest grows older you will be able to see not only what your children are missing (100% of mommy's attention), but also what they have GAINED by having a sibling. And I really believe the gain is much greater than the loss.

I agree. Mine are 4 yrs apart, and at first the transition is hard, but there are so many wonderful things about it... I think the first step for me was seeing that the situation is not "do for one kid, then the other", in essence "splitting myself between them", but in making the 4 of us (2 kids, me and dh) ONE unit. I no longer see my position as split between the kids, but my role is to negotiate the best situation I can for both at the same time. Sometimes one's needs tip the scales toward them, but most of the time I can work it so that both have a good place to be (and me too- I count a bit!). And, once you really get in this mindset, you start to see that "the perfect mommy" stuff is... not really perfect. Kids can really benefit from reaching beyond the "perfect" in their role as a sibling. For example, my oldest loves going to baby story time at the library. His brother sits on his lap, he helps the librarian, he sings the baby songs and really shines as a brother and he loves it. Would I take him if we didn't have the baby? No. We would have done 5 yr old stuff. And he would have missed that chance to really be so proud and happy. My little one gets toted to the school, playground, all over. Much less "mommy-baby quiet time" but, the other kids (and teachers) love to talk to him and smile at him, he gets a lot of great interaction, people really know him and he is much more part of "the village". The "perfect mother" to each of them would have missed all this great stuff. It is in the messiness and the "imperfect negotiations" we make that the siblings find all these hidden little gems of life. They are what gives the depth and authenticity to our relationships. And, I think it also encourages THEM (the kids) to not see each other as in competition, but cooperation when you don't see your job as "splitting yourself" but as negotiating the best for both.

[starlein26]

Man, the guilt is hard. While it doesn't ever go away, which is a good thing...it becomes more bearable....

[TinkerBelle]

To me, this is the first lesson for a child that life is not always about "me".

You are doing your best. You cannot be everything, to everyone, all of the time. Stop with the guilt.

[Cujobunny]

Yes the guilt goes away. I agree with the statement that the gain from the sibling is much greater than the loss of amount of your attention.

[Dukey25]

Honestly for me the guilt ended when I had baby # 3. That was when I could finally see that each child does not get the same of anything but there are positive and neg. aspects to their place within the family. My DD never got the undivided attention of her older brother but then again my oldest never had the benefit of an older sibling and I find that I have chilled out as a mom as time passes which sadly he doesn't benefit from either. I also learned that there is always something new to feel guilty about no matter what path I choose.

[yentroc]

Thanks mamas. Good food for thought here! I like the idea of what each lo gets from the family as a whole, not just from mama.

And the pp is right, there's always something to feel guilty about!

[amber913]

My guilt definitely went away--when i realized that honestly, i can't be in two places at once, and women have been popping out multiple children since the dawn of time, so this situation is nothing new!
Now and then, i feel a little pang of guilt that ds would be reading by now, if he were my only child. And i'd have more time to work with dev-delayed dd, if she were my only child. So i do what i can and let the negative emotions about it all go.

It WILL pass.

[columbusmomma]

I felt this way too when DD was born and mine are over 5 years apart so it was just dh,DS,and me for so long! He got all the attention. I left the hospital less then 24 hours to get home to him, had the baby out in the neighborhood in the sling her 2nd day of life so I could play with him, and had all of us out at the park the next day! Just b/c DD was born I didn't want to not give him attention! It does get better with time, especially when the LO one gets bigger, they play together, etc. Now they both get attention at both the same time and different times too. They each get me one-on-one, and together, so it's the best of all worlds

[foxtrot]

Yes, the guilt goes away to a large extent. There are still moments of guilt, but NOTHING like when DD was born. For me it took a long, long time for the guilt to go away and I even ended up with PPD largely due to feeling so guilty I think. DS and I were so close before DD came along. I mourned the loss of him and me for a long time. DS was 4 and a half when DD was born so we'd had a long time just him and me. DD is now 2 and a half and he's almost 7 and the guilt was mostly gone by the time she was 2. Like I said, it took a long time. But now they play together and for the first time ever I was excited when he was home from school on winter break. Instead of feeling pulled in two directions with him home, he, his sister and I had fun TOGETHER!!

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

Yes, the guilt goes away to a large extent. There are still moments of guilt, but NOTHING like when DD was born. For me it took a long, long time for the guilt to go away and I even ended up with PPD largely due to feeling so guilty I think. DS and I were so close before DD came along. I mourned the loss of him and me for a long time. DS was 4 and a half when DD was born so we'd had a long time just him and me. DD is now 2 and a half and he's almost 7 and the guilt was mostly gone by the time she was 2. Like I said, it took a long time. But now they play together and for the first time ever I was excited when he was home from school on winter break. Instead of feeling pulled in two directions with him home, he, his sister and I had fun TOGETHER!!

Wow, this sounds just like me! Dd and I were crazy close and I feel like I've been mourning the loss of our relationship. She did really great adjusting at first to her little brother, but now at 3 months, she's having a very hard time. She's angry and frustrated and pulling away from me and it's breaking my heart. I feel like I lost her. I have a pit in my stomach over this every day.

[pianojazzgirl]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You have not lost your relationship with her - it's just going through a period of adjustment. I promise it will get better.