Heartbreak is a B****, but...(Long)

[hazeldust]

Hey all, just wanted to share some thoughts about a situation I have been going through recently. Thought maybe there are some others going through something similar and maybe my insight could help. I am single mama to three awesome kids, ages 6, 8, and 10. Their dad is somewhat involved, though less so recently. He was living with roomates and I put my foot down a few months ago and told him that until he had a place of his own the kids were staying with me. He is, and has always been financially unstable, and he would live with someone, then get kicked out, and I just feel this, in addition to questionable roomates, is not good for our kids. So instead of taking them about 2 1/2 days a week, like he always has, he sees them a few hours a week now. Anyways, I started going out with this guy back in August. I work at a cafe' in a hospital and he works valet there. We had an amazing relationship for about 3 1/2 months and I really fell hard for him. I spent about half of that thinking, 'there is no way this guy is sticking around', but it was so good and we were so happy that I fell for it. I am 31 and for the first time I felt like I had met someone I could really see myself. Maybe it was his georgeousness, or his youthfulness, or his energy, or the connection. It all felt amazing to me and he came off as way more mature than guys my own age that I had dealt with. And I would ask him, skeptically, 'are you sure this is where you want to be, here with me and the kids?' Maybe I should have worded it differently, but he just seemed so comfortable with it all. He put a real spell on me, and then almost out of nowhere, he just dropped out. I was terribly heartbroken, but got through about a month of no contact whatsoever, which was weird because like I said we work at the same place. Then on christmas eve I called him and told him he could pick up his stuff(he was living in his car when I met him. Also like I said he is really young and had just moved to my town from a town about 2 hours away and had never lived on his own before. When he broke up with me he left a bunch of stuff at my house.) So I left a message telling him he could get his stuff, it was ok, blah blah blah. And he called me back, so we talked and he said he wanted to talk to me and explain some things. Since then it's been really hard because I see any contact as hope that he might change his mind but it's clear he is not going to. It's been about 4 months since we broke up and I am so hurt by all of this. It's unreal and horrible but strangely enough it makes me feel undeniably human, lol. I know we all go through this in some form or another, which makes it feel so generic at times, but at the same time I have these memories that are so magical and painful and I am just wondering how to make sense out of it all. I have been somewhat heartbroken before but never anything like this. I wonder how long this will hurt. I wonder how long I will see him in everything. I wonder if he will ever know what he has done, and there is a part of me that wants to write him a letter letting him know just exactly this did to me. We have had some contact recently, always initiated by me. The latest is that a few weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to come over to watch a movie. This is just me hoping I could find some way to keep him in my life on some level. So I hear nothing from him, then I see him at work and he comes over to eat his dinner at my counter. He brings it up and says that yes he would like to come over and watch a movie, but is going home for a few days. So I tell him that he should just call me when he gets back and we can figure out what day would be good. That was over a week ago. WTF. It's so frustrating because I really think he is a good guy, on some level. He is smart and thinks about things, but we are so not on the same page. He is not thinking about the right things at all. And I guess I am not either. The thing is, we all have to deal with things in our own way, and even though I am sad, alot, today was a day that I felt like I could see a little glimmer of strength and hope in myself and the future. I don't know what is going to happen and I can't promise myself or anyone else that I am not going to see him, but I can feel that there is something to be gotten out of this. Maybe I needed to have my heart crushed before I could be ready for a good relationship. Maybe everyone needs to experience that, I don't know. Maybe my lesson is to be more careful and not put all my hopes for what I want out of a relationship on emotion and the way it feels. I am a Pices so that is really hard for me. I think of my intuition as a central figure in guiding me to wherever I am going, but maybe that is not enough. Maybe I could fit some amount of logic in there as well. There are so many layers to life and inside of people, and things are not always as they seem. Anyways, thanks for listening. I know there is at least one person in the mdc that knows what I am going thru. <3

[Theia]

I did go through something similar. Let yourself heal before you try with another person. And be sure you are letting go of this young guy completely. If he wants to be only friends with you, it is up to him to reach out since he is the one who broke off the relationship and you have made attempts at contact which he has not returned.

It's hard. Be easy on yourself.

[briome]

Poor mama... Heartbreak is awful, especially with three kids to look out for. My mom had a few realtionships when we were kids that didn't pan out like they should and the worst part for us was seeing how sad she was.

My advice is not to fall for another guy who can't keep their own living space!
I was always uncomfortable when mom would have non-perm men stay over (she did wait until they were pretty dedicated to each other but it still seemed like they would walk at any momment!)

Anyway, I know it is not easy, just throwing in a little childhood perspective!

[SoulCakes]

Oh, mama, I so feel for you. After my ex and I split I fell for someone really hard... and it was awful. It was my first experience with heartbreak, and I thought for a while that I'd never get over it... but I did. Looking back on it now, he would have been a terrible choice as a step-parent to my daughter; he never could have helped build a life that we needed. Based on what you wrote I would say that this guy can't help you build the right life for you and your children, either. I know in the midst of heartbreak this sort of perspective doesn't help you feel better, but keep in mind that maybe the universe has dealt you a favor by keeping him out of your life. You have one ex who can't keep himself together financially or even keep a roof over his head - someone who lives in a car isn't any improvement.

I mean all this with the greatest kindness and sympathy. Our hearts don't ask permission before we fall in love. And having someone we love just walk away... it hurts. Just try to take this one day at a time. My heart goes out to you.

[hazeldust]

Thanks for the replies<3 I think about it now and wonder where my common sense was when I got involved with him. What was I thinking?! He was my third boyfriend and up until now I have just felt like the only way to have a relationship with someone is to just jump in and see what happens. Like I said before, I didn't really think much would come of it until it was too late. I don't mean to be naive about love and relationships, but I guess I sort of was. I am hoping that is changing somewhat and I will definitely proceed with caution from now on, but it will be awhile before I even try to find someone. And not to defend him, but he has his own apartment now and can keep his own living space, but I think the problem is he doesn't want to. He wants to be free I think and that is probably what he needs. I think most people really need to live on their own after living at home and just sort of be lost for awhile and that is really where he is at right now. I totally get that. But at the same time, It's hard for me to understand, maybe because I have been on my own for so long and I can't relate, how you can find this amazing connection with someone and just totally let them go. How life can be better without that person who seemingly meant so much to you. I know it was there. Anyways, thanks again mamas for the heartfelt replies. It really helps on some level. This isn't brand new but it still hurts like it is, and I can't really talk to my friends much about this cause it's old news to them.<3