Leaving 4 year old Autistic DS for 5 weeks.

[frellement]

I am a student studying languages and received a scholarship to study abroad this summer for 5 weeks. DS has not been diagnosed with anything yet, our insurance kinda blows and we are on a waiting list to receive screenings, but I am sure he has one or a combination of: Asperger's, Dyslexia, ADHD, SPD (in my nonprofessional opinion)

DS is 3.5 now (and will be having his 4th birthday the day I leave ). He still nurses, though I had stated my intention to wean him before his 4th birthday before I received news of the scholarship, and he has begun to nurse dramatically less, to the point that I think he would be done by the end of 2010 if left to his own devices (whereas 4 months ago he nursed as much as ever- he has cut out daytime nursing, most night nursing, and sporadically doesn't nurse to sleep. He nurses like a fiend in the morning, and generally during our 1/2 hour movie time before bed [also becoming optional- more optional than nursing to sleep], and occasionally makes requests during the day, though many times he can be swerved) He still sleeps with us. He just started going to daycare a few months ago (15ish hours a week), and he loves it. He is also just stuck to me like glue: I leave for about 2 hours on friday evenings, and almost invariably he cries when I leave and cries when it's about time for me to come home. He is obsessed with all "mommy" figures in shows/books/movies. He loves my bras. Honestly, I am worried it is an unhealthy attachment, and that especially with his developmental delays and his current inability to control violent tantrums, will lead to outbursts on women in the future. (this is the first time I've said this to anyone but DH) He is aware that I will be leaving, and it makes him really upset "NO stay here! Go with mommy to [foreign city]!"

We have contacted DH's estranged mother (she knew him when she was younger, is a substitute teacher for special kids, and has had many years of daycare experience with difficult children), and she is mostly willing to come live here for the period, but isn't 1000% sure yet, so there's no way to be sure that's actually going to happen.

It is almost impossible for me to cancel at this point, at least not without owing over $5000 for my trip and some rather extreme embarrassment in a department I have to continue to work in for awhile.

Taking him with me seems to be an option, though in all honesty I haven't fully explored it, and the insanity of that scenario kinda freaks me out.

I have been listening to people for months tell me that things will be ok, this kind of thing happens all the time, it will be harder on me than him: my parents, teachers, even DH (who has only recently begun to express his doubts to me), but I need some advice from ACTUAL moms with experience with this. (even if you haven't abandoned your children )

I need: real opinions about my situation. advice on weaning. advice on preparing him for the trip. and, honestly, some sympathy. i am really freaked out about it (though I thought he was going to do terribly at daycare and that worked out great), and my moods are nuts. I feel like I'm failing my DS, that this is going to be some crazy thing that is going to push him over some edge and he'll wind up a crazy, violent misogynist with abandonment issues.

Thank you all so much for reading.

[sbgrace]

Oh my. You are wayyy too hard on yourself.
You aren't going to create anything horrible your son and you aren't abandoning him. I also don't think, based on what you described, you need to fear his future relationships with women. My son was incredibly attached to me around your son's age. He's switched to daddy now. But I don't think what you're describing is unusual. I also think he'll miss you but be ok. He doesn't cry inconsolably the entire two hours your gone once a week, he handles daycare, he's got a loving daddy and maybe a grandma coming. I think he'll be ok. Thoughts: does his father need practice dealing with meltdowns and the like on his own before you leave? Can you do something like skype where maybe he could see/talk to you over the computer once a day or something? That might make it easier or harder but if it's harder you can always switch gears and go to just phone calls.
My sympathy you have. This sounds emotionally draining for you (would be for me too...I get that). Try to be easy on yourself.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

Please don't worry about his future relationships with women based on his behavior now. My son was also very attached to me at a young age, screamed when I left him with his father, he'd follow me to the door, pounding on it and screaming "Mama, come back!" He's almost eight now and insist on being dropped off at the front door for music class and martial arts. He prefers to hang out with his dad now. He has ADHD and SPD. So much will change for your son over the years.

I had to leave DS for a week when he was around three or so. It was more traumatic for me then it was for him. He was home with his dad, in a familiar place, with his routine. It was hard for him, but he was able to adapt with the help of his dad and one of my sisters who checked in every few days. My husband often travels and is sometimes gone for weeks at a time. It's tough be we've learned to enjoy the time by doing fun things.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[seashells]

I have a 4 year old daughter, not a son, but she is obsessed with my bras, draws boobs complete with nipples when she draws me, plainly prefers women in every way (if DH and I have two DVDs to watch, she wants to watch the one with the most women on the cover). Anyway, I think all that is a result of healthy attachment, not unhealthy. I can't really speak on your primary question, I myself would look into taking him but I don't want to make you feel bad about it either.