help - I don't want to yell anymore

[sunflowergrrl]

Hi everyone. My voice is now hoarse from yelling at my precious little children this morning. I don't want to yell. I don't want to become my mother - she yelled at us often.

It usually happens when we're trying to get out the door in the morning. Even days when I have everyone dressed and ready to go - then my 4 yr old will do something that annoys me - like continually asking to bring something in the car that he can't have in the car - and I just loose it and go on a rampage until everyone's buckled in the carseats and we're driving and then I take a deep breath and think "what did I just do to my babies?" My 2 yr old will just stare at my like I have a growth coming out of my face, and my 4 yr old will sometimes do what I ask, sometimes cry, and sometimes turn right around and yell at his sister just like I yelled at him.

Then I ask him to stop yelling and feel like such a hypocrite.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I am interested in responses to this as well. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I was raised with a lot of yelling. I find myself yelling a lot. I feel like my kids do not listen unless I'm in their face yelling. I'm not sure if I have trained them to pay attn this way, or they have trained me to get their attn this way. I'm a trying to do better every single day. I'm working really hard at it and it is getting better. All I can say is be very cognitive of it and stop it, right when you are doing it. That's what I'm doing. I keep reminding myself, that the answer is easy. If I don't want to yell, then stop yelling. I also remind myself that yelling is just an adults way of pitching a fit. For some reason that really affects me to think about it like that. I'm 32 years old, I certainly don't want to be pitching a fit. How embarrassing, I should know better.

[Grace and Granola]

I am really trying to work on this as well. I have done a few things that have turned us around in the past few weeks.

For one thing, I am trying to control way too much that is going on. BEFORE saying "No," ask myself, "Why not?" --as in your example of your 4yo bringing something in the car....I have no idea what that thing was, but why not? If it's play doh, obviously no, but could he bring something else?

When I feel like I'm boiling, I will WHISPER instead of YELL! That's right, it's almost becoming a habit now. Where I used to yell... I HAVE ASKED YOU THREE TIMES TO GET YOUR SHOES ON!! Now, I get down to my 4yo's level and whisper, I have asked you three times now, can you please get your shoes on?! It's oddly more effective than shouting

And most important for me, has just been to TALK LESS. That's right, I have found that I am really trying to control and micro manage. Why do I have to critique or comment on every little thing. The less I talk, the less stress I feel. I have to say...so what, his shoes are on backwards. This ONE thing, I can let go. And I try to do this with as many things as I can.

Getting enough sleep and feeding myself is also important. Without these, I can do none of the above.

It takes work! But it's gonna be worth it, I know it!

[IntuitiveJamie]

I love the whispering idea. Someone else mentioned that to me once and I forgot to try it. Hopefully hearing this again will remind me. Thanks!

[Tummy]

I am also a yeller!

I love the whisper idea and will try it! I have on the other hand found it much easier to deal with 'my' stressing out over the last few months, not sure exactly what has changed. There has been a lot of stress in general in my life the last couple years, but for some reason it is becoming easier to deal with. Perhaps I am hiding it better, lol, or perhaps the prayers are helping.

Great thread, hope to hear more advise!

[Oliver's Mama]

I find myself yelling a lot too at my 2.5 ds, but it's out of my own sheer terror because every few minutes I catch him doing something life-threatening.. jumping off couch with eyes closed, climbing onto counters to play with a knife, etc.. so its just a natural reaction to yell out.. calmly whispering will do jack squat in most of our situations.
I try not to yell at him about every single thing, but it just keeps building when he does one bad thing after another constantly.
In less serious situations, I've tried the whisper/calmly speak at eye level, but he either laughs at me, or screams and cries and never quiets down in an attempt to hear what I'm saying.
dh yells occasionally, and its very very loud that it does stop ds in his tracks, but then he breaks out in a terrible fearful cry, and then I start feeling all guilty.
ugh. he's just so much to deal with that I've kinda forgotten that any day now there will be a newborn here. and then I REALLY need to end the yelling too.

[Happeesupermom]

I have trouble in this area, too. I find that WHISPERING instead of yelling helps! Also, I've asked myself, "Why? or Why not?" when the kids ask me questions.... and I try to either take the time to explain my answer fully, or say, "yes". :P

BUT, to Oliver's Mama-- it's definitely OK to yell in life-threatening situations! It get's their attention quick and makes them stop in their tracks!