Feeling like there is something missing

[mtbmomma]

Hey mommas, I am a SAHM to a 16 month dd who will be an only. I have plans of homeschooling her in the future, so SAHMing will likely be a longterm thing for me. I did have plans of going back to grad school for wildlife biology when I unexpectedly got pregnant, and now that has been put on the back burner, but I think I miss that dream a bit still. I also really feel like I want to home school. I feel pretty strongly about this, although we do have a few more years to decide.
Recently I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life, but I don't really know what it is. My husband is currently finishing up a second undergrad, and then we will be moving again (we have moved every 9-16 months for the past 5 years) so he can go to grad school. We are both fairly young, 26 and 27, and don't own a house or have much money at this point. We have been living in small apartments, in small cities, but really both want to be living on a big chunk of land in the country. I think being so unsettled and having to live in places I don't feel at home might be the cause of my feelings, but I'm not sure. I also think it might have something to do with quickly switching into SAHMing, and not quite sure how to fill the role.
I guess my question is, are there any other SAHM's feeling like this, or anyone with some suggestions on how to make it better. I love being a SAHM, and can't imagine spending my days away from my daughter, but I can't help feeling like something is not right or complete at this time.

[Lil'M]

I know for me, I really needed to have friends with like-aged babies to do things with, especially during the day. You don't mention if you have a support system or not or if you get out everyday with your dc. Sometimes just having a regular outing planned (library, park, taking a nice walk), other adults made me feel like there was a diversity to my week. Things we used to do that were free/cheap: La Leche League meetings, library story time, playgroup organized through Mom's Club (now called Mothers and More), in home free music class organized by a friend, etc.

[MommaCrystal]

This is where I was 2 years ago. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to work. I wanted to do this, I wanted to do that. I didn't know WHAT I wanted but something was NOT right! I also knew without a shadow of a doubt we wanted more kids and we also want to homeschool. Those last two were non-negotiable for me and anything I tried would have to fit around those things.

It lead me to taking a job. Part-time. Insanely flexible. Great pay. It seemed perfect. I had an outlet for me. I had money coming in. Our family was able to accomplish some financial goals we weren't getting anywhere with. But you know what? In the end it didn't work. This job didn't fill what was missing. (Of course I've come to realize the only job for me is to be at home so that was truly a huge part of it). That job is now coming to an end and I am SO relieved!

But during that time I learned so much about myself. I had to do a lot of soul searching, reflecting, praying, and waiting. I learned what really was missing from my life. Now I have that.

My point is. This happens. This happens whether you are at home with kids or working some place in the world with or without a family at home. Strike out and experiment. See where it leads you. Chances are some things will miss the mark. But hopefully after some time you'll figure out what it is that will fill that void for you. I learned that patience was key though. And sometimes I really lack in that department.

[claddaghmom]

Funny, my DD is 16 months, too!

I've had similar feelings. We've moved 5 times in 2 years. I'm tired of not living in a home. And then, even though we bought this condo, Dh talks a lot about how he doesn't want to stay in this state and hopes to get a job halfway across the country. So we're looking at possibly staying here for 2 more years and then moving (b/c we did the housing credit). So half the walls are painted...I find myself wondering...should I even bother to do a backyard patio? Why bother updating the bathroom? Why did I even paint?

As for your desire to continue schooling...I think you can definitely do that while being a SAHM and homeschooling. You might have to go slower, one class at a time. Or take small breaks depending on your individual circumstances. But I don't think you should push away something that you enjoy and/or want to accomplish. It has the potential to build depression and resentment when you should feel happy and settled, know what I mean?

That's a big reason I am trying to stay in school. I couldn't get into a filled class to fulfill a prereq to a req, which is required for my capstone. So instead of graduating a couple weeks after baby #2 is due, I'm going to have push out my classes to the next spring session...or about 6 months. And now I'll have to take "filler" classes to stay full time to keep my scholarships. Gives me a headache just thinking about it. But at the same time, I know if I stop now, I'll find it harder to start again and feel depressed.

[mtbmomma]

Thanks for all the great advice. It's good to know I'm not the only one out there with these feelings. I don't have much of a social network here, so that is probably a big part of it. I had a great group of mom friends where we just moved from, and haven't really wanted to put in the effort to make more here when we will be moving again in June. I do plan on finding something when we move since we know we will be there for a couple of years. As far as getting out, we do that all the time. We live in Hawaii, so we go to the beach, the park, the farmer's market, the library during the week.
My husband came home yesterday and pointed out that he hasn't been giving me enough time to go out and run or mountain bike, which are my passions. The last couple days he has given me that outlet and things have been a lot better. I think it will take some getting used to finding hobbies that I can have while I am home. I did consider going back to work part-time, but it just doesn't seem like it would really work out right. Probably I do need to spend some time finding myself in this new role as a mother.

[SweetPotato]

My dd is 4yo, and I still feel this way a lot. She wa sborn after I finished grad cshool andwhile dh was still working on his PhD. I had good friends in that town, my parents were there, etc. Now we've moved for his medical fellowship, and it's been really hard for me to make the same kind of close friends that I had before. We're also in your same state of limbo-- knowing that the fellowship ends in a little over a year and not sure yet where we'll be after that. I find it really, really hard having it in the back of my mind that we're transient- and I think it makes a difference with some potential friends (like one neighbor in particular) who don't want to put any effort into building relationships with those of us who might not be around long-term. Basically, I just keep outting myself out there, in places/situations where I think I might find some of what I'm looking for. I've gotten really involved in a local Master Naturalist program- it was once a week classes for 2 months (which was hard for me to tear myself away from dd, but felt oh so good once I did it!), and now we have monthly meetings and group volunteer activities. It's been AWESOME to be using tha part of my brain again and to make friends who know that side of me, since most other friends here only know me as a mom. It's a big part of who I am, but it's not 100% of who I am, you know? Good luck with everything-- it really is a tough adjustment.

[Liss86]

Hi, I have a six month old am feeling this way to. My fiance and I have also moved around a lot in the past year and a half (4 times) and are planning to move again this summer. I feel like why even bother making the effort to develop friendships when we are just going to move. I am struggling to keep our house clean and take care of our baby and try to make it out of the house. I signed up for a sewing class thinking it would be nice to learn something new but I dread going because it is another new thing to learn( even though I would love this class if I were not in my current circumstance). My fiance and I are considering moving to hawaii which island are you on? Do you like it? I struggle to make it through the winter and keep thinking if I could just be on a beach with the sunlight beaming down on me everything would be much better(we used to live at the beach). I also have to finish school. I am sorry to not share a solution but I really can relate. I'm glad you posted because it makes me feel like i'm not crazy for feeling this way. I love being a stay at home mom but I feel like something is definitely missing. I am so greatful for the mothering community. Good luck! One thing I've been trying is I like to do yoga so since I've had a hard time getting to go to a class I try to do a pose a day and read a pearl(or thought a day) from a book I got as a stocking stuffer for christmas a couple years ago. It's call, "1001 pearls of yoga wisdom: Take your practice beyond the mat". I just flip open the book and read whatever page it opens to. It's usually exactly what I need to read and reflect on. And then I try to think about it all day or before I go to bed.

Good luck!

[mtbmomma]

Thanks for the response. It helps knowing others are in the same circumstance as well. We are on the big island, in Hilo, but will be moving to Ellensburg, WA in early June. We have never been there, so I am a little nervous about how we will fit in. Part of me hopes we love it, so we can just stay there permanently. We will be there for at least 2 years while my husband goes to grad school.

Hawaii is nice, but it is not for us. We need a little cooler weather, and a place we feel we fit in. We are both big outdoorsy people, we love mountain biking, trail running, hiking... and my husband would like to start hunting as well. Hawaii just doesn't have what we need. That being said, there are times when we are just hanging out on the beach and I think "yeah, I could live here forever".

I am making plans to start doing some gardening once we move, and maybe starting my own baby group as well. I think I really need to find some hobbies to occupy my time, that I can do around the house with a toddler in tow.

[honeybee]

I seem to need something "else" in my life that is not child-rearing related. Something that uses other skills and parts of my brain. When my oldest was a baby, I did some WAH, and did that periodically for a few years. Now I am a president of a non-profit.... which lately is actually becoming a bit "too much" in terms of an outside interest. I also have a tendency to volunteer for too many things and get in over my head.

Why can't you still follow your passion? Maybe you can't afford the formal schooling right now, but take time to learn about your interests. Use the library and internet. Maybe your interest will lead you to a similar but different pursuit... like learning about herbs to help your family. Or just make sure you get out and take hikes and learn about the wildlife you see. You can share your interest with your dd and it can be something you learn about together as you homeschool.

I don't see why SAH means we give up our dreams... it just means we pursue them differently for awhile. Besides, when your dd is older, homeschooling does not take up your whole day. Your dd may want to be involved in activities away from you (homeschool groups, 4h or Girl Scouts, music, a sport, whatever). I think homeschooling could be totally compatible with getting a grad degree, especially with just one child.

[KBinSATX]

Becoming a SAHM has been a real challenge for me.
I missed my career so much during my first year home. Of course I also didn't want to have DS be with anybody else.
I joined the local API group to be more around like minded people but that lead to a pretty horrid experience. I think for awhile I was really depressed.
I found a better fit with my LLL group and that's really been a good source of friends and support.
One of he things that helped me the most is probably starting my own company. I love communicating with customers and working on my 'own stuff'. It's nothing huge. I'd make much more money putting the kids in daycare and going back into my old career.
But it's wonderful being my own boss, being with my kids, being able to put some money away for their college, etc.
I could totally see myself going back to school for a masters when the kids are older.
I hope you can find something that makes you feel satisfied. It's really taken me a couple of years after my first child to redefine myself.
I used to think of myself so much in terms of my work (I am KB and I manage industrial projects in the $125 million to $850 million range). I didn't know who I was after that was gone (I am KB and my life revolves around poop)
Good Luck with whatever you want to start!

[hikingmommy]

I started feeling like that when my DD was about that same age. I went back to teaching and practicing Tae Kwon Do about 6 hours/week. It gave DH some "forced" time with DD that was good for both of them and it gave me something do to out of the house not baby-related, which I desperately needed.

Now with #2 that isn't an option anymore. I just opened an Etsy shop selling the lotions, soaps, etc. I've been making for years and giving away (or using), and I've just started getting into natural dyeing of silks and yarns. I haven't sold anything yet, but I'm finding having something to do that isn't child-related, that I enjoy, and that makes me feel productive is so important to me.

Maybe there's some small job, hobby, etc. you could pursue now?

[JonahRoo]

i totally know what you mean about something being missing. I wanted so badly to be a SAHM and didnt realize what it was that I would be sacrificing for it. We have moved a few times over the past 2-3 years as well and it gets harder to connect to people for various reasons. Also, something that makes my sitiation difficult is that my husband travels and when he is home he basically works like 3 jobs. In my most recent reflections on this subject, I have come to realize what that "missing piece" is for me. Before I had DS, I was a dreamer! I was always strategizing my NEXT BIG ADVENTURE to get even closer to my dream of what what i wanted to be when I grew up. And since being a SAHM i feel like i am in a holding pattern. I want to go back to school but there are reasons now why i can't and so the other plan is to have our 2nd kid but there are reasons now why we can't. So here I am in this holding pattern. I have this grand plan for my life and if it were up to me I would be going for it! But somehow my DH's plan has taken the front seat to everything and all my plans are on the backburner and it is literally impossible for me to move forward with any of them right now. The other sahm's who i hang out with seem to be so content being sahm's (and a few of them had big careers before being sahms). And I always wonder why it is that i feel so *bored* with everything. Don't get me wrong, I do thoroughly enjoy journeying with DS as he grows up (he is almost 2) but there is a part of me that just feels like it is dying a slow death so to speak. And quite honestly a hobby just doesnt seem like it will fix this feeling within me. Like I said, I have a grand plan for my life and I don't feel content to not be working towards it. I kind of feel lost and wondering: "What is my purpose?" (again I totally value my purpose as a sahm in fact this has nothing to do with it). My dh just doesnt understand. I am trying to have patience and know that this chapter won't last forever but I am not a very patient person. I feel like I am having to live against the grain of my own being which is to just keep moving forward to the next thing and the next and the next! So exciting! But this is just really challenging.

I am not much help but just letting you know I understand.

[mtbmomma]

It is interesting to read everyone's opinions here. I have been thinking a lot about things over the past month, coinciding with my reading up on homeschooling, and I think I may know what part of my problem is. I have always been an over achiever. I am also a planner and spend a lot of time looking ahead, something I would like to work on. Anyways, I realize that as a SAHM, I don't have anything I have work toward, or a goal that I am trying to reach. While that is not exactly true, since I am trying to raise a happy, healthy child, but nothing I am personally working toward.

I have been reading a lot about unschooling and feel like I might need to do a little unschooling for myself. I have always been one to play by the books, and it never occurred to me to question my actions. The problem with being a SAHM is I don't have any motivation to move forward. There is nothing that I'm working toward, and I have no one overseeing my work and telling me how I'm doing. I now feel like I'm ready to get out and learn to learn, because it is fun and interesting, and there are so many things I would like to know.

Being a SAHM will make doing these things possible; I just need to change my perspective on what it means to be and learn. I don't need to be taking a class to learn about wildlife biology. I think often as parents and as a society in general, we think of education as something for youth, but why shouldn't we spend all our lives learning. And, what better time to spend homeschooling yourself than when you are home with a toddler who really would benefit from watching you learn.

I am still working through all of this in my head, but it has really been a wonderful learning experience for me and I am beginning to see what direction I want to move from here. Thanks everyone for your responses, and I would love to hear what others have to say on the topic.