Never get away from the baby

[pumpkin]

And its really starting to get to me. DD is 1. She refuses to take a bottle or cup. She doesn't eat a huge amount of solids. She also will not nap or sleep alone and becomes absolutely hysterical if DH tries to get her to sleep.

DH does try to play with her when he can, but it isn't often.

I have left the house without her a grand total of 3 times. The longest of which was an hour. In order to leave I have to have DH available, have no other obligations that day (we are super busy with a move and building a house), have her well rested, and get her to nurse well. The stars do not align often.

I even had MIL generously come over to try to play with her so I could catch up on housework from being sick for the last 2 weeks. DD just became a clingy mess and she absolutely loves playing with grandma. MIL very generously even came back the next day and the same thing happened.

DD has some minor weight gain issues so we can't just take a hard-line and say that she will just have to deal with the boobs being gone.

I just need a little time away to recharge and DH bringing her in every 20 minutes because she gets the tiniest bit fussy doesn't cut it. I need to be off the clock.

Its crazy that I'm dreaming that maybe I can go see a movie in November. That is 8 months away.

[Grace and Granola]

Oh mama, I so feel your pain. I was right there too.

Once you get her to sleep at night can your dh slip in there and sleep with her?

I think when babies know you're in the house it's harder for them than if you had gone somewhere. Maybe if your MIL will come again you could just go outside for a walk right after you feed dd.

For me, it was a matter of being a better mama to my child if I had a break. I couldn't be in the house and listen to him fuss, but I could go to Target for an hour. If he was a bit fussy for that hour, I knew he was well fed and in good hands. I had to do what would make me a better mom. This brought about weekly outings for me while dh managed ds. He knew the value in it. He told me that he would 'deal' for an hour or two with a fussy baby if it meant that I could have my sanity. Whatever it took...I would feed ds and just tell dh to do whatever it took. If that meant they watched sesame street, fine. If he had to walk him around the block for an hour, done. After a few weeks of this, ds got used to it and dh saw how much it helped me.

Now that my boys are older and they can get to sleep on their own, I get them in bed every friday night and head for the book store for a couple of hours. We all need a break! Don't feel bad for needing to take care of yourself.

[One_Girl]

I think you should allow your husband to deal with a cranky child as long as she is well fed. The burden of the cranky tired child should not be only on you. Can you go after her nap and nursing session? I don't think you should stay in the house because then he has no reason to get creative in his solutions to comfort and entertain her and she doesn't want your attention off of her. My dd never liked someone else watching her while I was home no matter how much she loved being with that person. Letting him give her something really yummy or bring her in a stroller to somewhere really fun like the park may also help. My dd used to love the toddler puffy crackers a lot.

[sanguine_speed]

I agree with the others mama. It sounds like you really need some time to yourself, and your child really will be fine for an hour while you go out by yourself!

[Mama2Xander]

I second the suggestion to have your DH or MIL take DD out somewhere... park, playground, walk around the neighbourhood, whatever. Maybe you've tried that already though, I don't know. My oldest was a lot like that as a baby, so I can definitely sympathize with you!! He always did fine with going to the park with grandma or daddy for an hour at a time though. He even started to eat solids that way - my mom would always bring a yummy homemade muffin with her, and they would eat it together. That was pretty much the first solid food he would eat

[MommaCrystal]

So what happens if you do leave for a while? What does she do? I know with both my children if I was home they would never take a bottle or a cup and ate fewer solids. They refused DH and grandparents. They clung to me like I was ripping their little hearts out. It was horrible.

But if I just left. And sometimes it was absolutely positively necessary that I did (out patient surgery for example). They became different children. Yes they cried as I left. And I hated myself for that but I know my husband loves them like I do and that was what was important. After a couple of hours they would eat and drink and play. They became receptive to care giving of my husband or my mother. They even allowed themselves to put down to sleep.

My very presence caused all the chaos. Once I was removed and some time passed all was pretty much well. Not perfect (there were still episodes of "MOOOOOMMMMAAAAA"). But over all it was fine.

An added benefit was my husband became a more confident a secure father and their relationship started to grow stronger which made the next time mommy had to go out a bit easier.

[Peony]

Another vote for them going off somewhere. DS is my 3rd child that isn't taking a bottle, he did for a short period, and then refused. I've left all of them. Never at night, but for periods during the day. DH isn't that thrilled or fond of dealing with babies, he will happily take them once they are older, verbal, and weaned but he just isn't a baby person. With the girls, I stuck to places where he could bring me a fussy baby if need be, massage with someone who was baby friendly for example but with DS I do go to movies. Yes, he may get grumpy, but for 3 hours once in a great while, DH and him can just deal with it.


It is easier IMO to have them go off somewhere, often the baby get distracted by new surroundings and there is less of the dad trying to keep the baby happy.

[zinemama]

Another vote for just going.

Your dd will be fine for an hour. She will be fine for two or three hours. It isn't fair for you to have to be the primary care giver all the time. It isn't fair for your dh not to get a chance to learn to soothe and care for his own child by himself.

Three times leaving the house alone in a year? That is no way for a woman with a partner to live. Why has your dh not stepped up and told you he will take the responsibility for caring for his child alone, the way a father should?

[Alisse]

You might get worried going out and hunger. Therefore work on getting dd to take a bottle and/or cup.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by pumpkin;15206192DD

has some minor weight gain issues so we can't just take a hard-line and say that she will just have to deal with the boobs being gone.

I just need a little time away to recharge and DH bringing her in every 20 minutes because she gets the tiniest bit fussy doesn't cut it. I need to be off the clock.

My guess is that she could go a whole day without nutrients and still be OK. Well, she'd be very upset and your nerves would be shot. But she might also be highly motivated to try that bottle and eat more solids.

Actually at this age you should skip the bottle and give her a sippy cup.

You're absolutely right, you need to be off the clock. Leave for a few hours, not just one hour. Your dh will be stressed out, but he'll get the hang of it.

[pumpkin]

I convinced DH that I had to have a break despite our busy schedule. I went to Starbucks on Sunday morning. Nursed DD, pumped, and then left DH to feed her a banana and toast. He also got her to drink about an ounce from the sippy cup. I got to stay out for about 80 minutes. DD was fine. DH was a little less fine.

I think I have DH believing that I do need a break. I pointed out that she didn't even care when I came home so he could have let me stay out longer if he had been feeling better. He called me home because he had some stomach problems and needed some alone time.

DD was super clingy at the big family dinner later that afternoon. As a consequence for leaving it wasn't bad.

DH thought I had gotten out just a couple of weeks ago so he didn't understand why I was so upset. I had to get out the calendar to show him it had been about 2 months since I got 45 minutes to go to Target by myself.

I asked that he help me get away once a week and that it preferably not always be for a chore. He asked that for the time being if I want longer than an hour that I stay close to home so I can get home quickly. So we have a goal. We'll see how it goes.

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

I'm so sorry, I've been dealing with this for awhile. Unfortunately my mental health is such that I NEED to get away, and DD deals. It's gotten better over time, I promise.

[pianojazzgirl]

I'm glad to hear that you managed to get a break! Everyone is different, but it sounds like for you (as for the majority of us I imagine) some time to yourself is absolutely crucial for your mental health. I think that your goal of once a week sounds excellent and very do-able.

Something I also do is make quick trips out of the house by myself pretty much every day. I don't mean an hour and a half at Starbucks (though that would be heaven!), but fifteen minutes to walk down to the video store and back, or ten minutes to pop around the corner to get some more milk... that kind of thing. Or, even if you don't have some specific goal, just take 10-15 mins to go for a walk in the evening. For me it makes a world of difference to get away for just that amount of time.

And I want to agree with other posters who suggest that your dh get out of the house with your dd. Just sitting around the living room trying to keep her from freaking out that you're gone (for ex.) is way more difficult than popping her in the stroller or baby carrier and going for a walk or a visit to the park, etc. (And, as a side-note: if he doesn't already, I suggest seeing about getting your dh into babywearing as it can really help to grow the bond between daddy and little one - I've seen it firsthand with my dh and ds ).

[Logan's mommy]

Ds2 was like that, but I've found that he cries when he sees me leave and then after that he calms down. I also make sure that when I'm getting ready to go out the door that dh, or whoever is sitting for us, keeps him occupied so he doesn't see us walk out the door. Even though we don't have a "job" (I put it in quotes because being a SAHM is a full time job) we still need some down time too.

[journeymom]

Hurrah, Pumpkin, that sounds great! I agree, your goal sounds reasonable. Keep advocating for yourself. You deserve it.

[Grace and Granola]

So happy to hear you got out! I don't think dads truly understand what it's like to be a SAHM and literally never have any alone time. As you continue to practice this, your dd will get better at it and your dh will gain confidence. When my dh gets frazzled on the RARE occasions I get out for more than 2 hours, I remind him that THAT IS MY LIFE EVERYDAY! I point out how crazy he feels after 4 hours and to imagine it being his occupation. That tends to turn the light bulb on. I hope your DH will notice a positive change in you that comes from this bit of freedom, so it will spur him on to help you even more

[blessedwithboys]

what always worked for me was to have my ex take ds out with him rather than for me to leave. if my kids saw me walk away they would flip, but going out with daddy was fun and they went without a peep. then once they had gotten around the corner, i would jump in the car and go.

[MaddieMay]

I'm glad you got out for some alone time!

I don't know if someone has already mentioned this, but maybe try having your MIL come over and she and your DH can tag team or take your daughter on an outing together.

[hopefulfaith]

Good for you!

I read your OP and my kids were both the same way. I'm not sure I had more than an hour a month when my kids were <12 months old. It was crazy-making, and I wish I had started earlier. Dh would have had more confidence that he was able to solely care for ds/dd when they were teeny, and I wouldn't have been crazy (and 80 pounds overweight now because I started stress-eating then).

Keep it up - I am so happy for you!

[pumpkin]

Planning to go out again tomorrow. Life is really trying to get in the way, but I'm pushing really hard for the break. DH's grandmother is very ill so he is kind of out of sorts. If he is a mess tomorrow it may not happen and if it doesn't happen tomorrow it will be at least 2-3 weeks before I can get away again. Keep your fingers crossed.