I feel so tired....

[cnfusd]

Not sure if this is the "right" place to post. I don't have access to parents as partners yet....

I feel like my marriage is in shambles and I don't have the strength or courage to figure out what is going on...

I have suspicions that my H is having an affair (either emotional or physical). This has been an ongoing "gut feeling" for me for a long time - at least two years. There are period where things are going really well and periods where he starts acting "different". This is one of those "different" times. As my friend says even a kid could figure this one out.... I always get these feelings and start looking up call records... Everytime there has been a particular number that pops up CONTINIOUSLY. I always call the number pretending to have the wrong number just to see if its a female... It always is... Over the course of the last 3.5 years we have had two children. His attitude got particulary worse after the two births. After the first we even separated for 9 months. We decided to give it another try and here we are. The first time we separated he said that I was just not the same persion. I didn't give him affection, I didn't talk to him, etc. I do work full time, take care of the house, and take care of our children. He does not contribute at all in any way just financially. He still has that gripe about me that I don't give him affection. Since the birth of our second things there have been more bad periods than good. Before Christmas he has told me that he was planning on moving out and he didnt think that he would be coming back. I said okay. Well it never happened and the holidays rolled around and things were pretty good. I thought wow, maybe he is staying and things will get back to normal. Well here it is March and things have been "weird" again since Feb. He really only comes home to sleep. He is self employed so he works til 8 pm or so. Then he claims that he goes to have dinner with friends then that they go do stuff - bowling, hang out at someones house, etc. He doesn't get home til anytime between 1-4am. The whole week can go by and we don't see him. I just see him in the mornings before I leave for work and its just him sleeping in bed. This particular number has popped up and I called it and it is female. In the course of about 3 days they texted over 300 times. I don't see how he is working because it is constant texting minute by minute. He recently took a "vacation" to a city about 4 hours away. He said he was going to hang out with some friends. I have suspicions that he took this girl. Based on call records contact ceased while he was away. I haven't been able to look again since he has returned.

Why don't I have the strength or courage to just outright ask him? I hate myself for that? Why do I put up with this? I know that if I do confront him he will deny it and just blame it on me somehow. He told me about 3 weeks ago that he did not want me asking him any questions about work, where he is, etc. So now I feel like there is nothing to talk about after I tell him about my day and update him on the kids. I am also kind of scared about how he will react to me snooping at his call records. I don't know why....

[swd12422]

I'm not sure how sound this is, and since I have a LO here wanting my attention, I admit that I haven't completely thought this through, so if someone else disagrees with me, please feel free!

It's not clear to me if you even want him to stay. If you do, I would NOT start by telling him you've been looking at his call records! Ask him if he's ok, b/c you don't see much of him and he doesn't seem to be interested in spending time with the kids (if he's not even getting home to put them to bed, etc...). See what he says. Maybe he's depressed about fatherhood. Maybe he really does need more affection from you (although if he's cheating, he could wait a REALLY long time for some affection from you!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, find out what the problem is, and work on it from there without accusing him of anything. He's cheating. You know that. You don't have to say so right off the bat. He's cheating b/c there's a problem that isn't getting fixed. (I'm not saying it's for YOU to fix, b/c it might be or it might not be, just that there's something.)

In all honesty, it sounds like he's told you the problem: He wants more affection from you. He wants you to talk to him the way you did before the kids came along. (IOW, not JUST about how the kids' day went, but about non-family stuff.) It seems like a lot of men have trouble when the kids come along and the wives suddenly shift their focus to the kids and ONLY the kids, which is normal, but men just don't get it.

Can you try to start doing those two things in the little amount of time you have with him each day? Ask him how his day was. Talk about your mutual friends if you have any, or about a movie you want to go to with him, or whatever. Ask him to try to get home "early" one night a week when you'll put the kids to bed early and have "couple time." Maybe that's all he needs... Maybe not, but at least it'll help you open the lines of communication again. And then you really have to listen, and be prepared to hear that he thinks it's at least partly you. (I know I always think there's no way I'm wrong, and then when I really stop to listen to DH, I realize that even though he's MORE wrong, it's not always 100% him...)

OTOH, if you don't care if he stays or goes, b/c he really doesn't seem like he's going to step up and contribute anything other than his paycheck, then just ask him to leave. But I'd only do that if you're willing to take the kids' father away from them and if you're ready and able to handle the (financial and emotional) load of heading up the family by yourself, b/c that's probably what you'll have to do.

I hope other mamas out there can provide some good advice for you, and that you can get things worked out. It must be very unsettling to be where you are right now. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[cnfusd]

Thank you for responding and your advice... I do appreciate it...

I am not sure what I want to happen at this point. All I do know is that I want an H who likes to spend time with me and his kids, who doesn't find taking care of them a chore, etc. I would feel more receptive to giving him for affection if he were around more for one and if he even helped in any way. He has two evenings during the week and one weekend day off from work. The evenings he chooses to go out so we don't see him and on the weekend day he sleeps til 12 or 1pm. He is so tired from getting home so late everynight of the week. He wakes up usually has lunch with us and then goes back to bed to watch tv. He makes no effort (since he hasn't been home) to even spend time with the kids. He says hi to them maybe carries them for a few minutes (or if I need him to to go to the rr or put a load) and then just watches tv. Usually by late afternoon he will go "check up" on work and won't come home til after midnight. I don't know... I guess in my mind I picture him WANTING to spend time with them, playing on the floor and actually giving them one on one attention. He doesn't.

As far as the affection thing... I try - sometimes... I do have to admit that. I did leave out that his definition is kissing passionately all the time - pecks don't count, meeting him with lingerie on when he gets home, etc. So when he gives me affection it always involves groping one way or another. He doesn't believe in holding hands. If we sit on the couch and watch a movie he will sit next to me and grope me periodically during the movie. He can't sit next to me and just hold my hand or I can't just hug him. We have had a discussion about "snuggling" and he doesn't go for it. I have told him that I would like it and that doesn't matter. If it were up to him we would be doing the deed everyday. To him we do the deed and that's it. There's no affection afterward or even before for that matter. I am always so tired. I leave the house at 6am every morning after packing two kids in a vehicle and their bags by myself while he sleeps... Up until about 1.5 months ago he had no problems coming home at 4am and waking me up for sex - even on days when my alarm was set for 5:15am... This past month and half he hasn't even bothered which is another clue that he is having an affair.

I don't want broken parents for my children but we kind of already are. Like I said before all he contributes is financially. I know that is a big part but he isn't here for us emotionally or physically... I just don't know what to do... I know if I approach him with this it's going to open a big can of worms and I think that it will definitely be over.

I just don't trust him anymore to be honest. After all of these women (which he doesn't even know that I know about them) I just cant trust that what he tells me is so.

I know that when/if I do confront him everything is going to be my fault. Especially since I don't have "concrete" proof - pics, witnesses, etc. I have to be prepared for that. He is really good at making you feel like your nothing and like IT IS all your fault. I can never get upset about anything when it comes to him. He is always right and I am always just being a little b**** about it. I have gotten really good at just keeping things to myself (as you can see) and bottling up. I don't get anywhere anyway... I am just now at the end of my rope and not sure how much longer I can bottle this up....

I just need the courage....

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by cnfusd

I know that when/if I do confront him everything is going to be my fault. Especially since I don't have "concrete" proof - pics, witnesses, etc. I have to be prepared for that. He is really good at making you feel like your nothing and like IT IS all your fault. I can never get upset about anything when it comes to him. He is always right and I am always just being a little b**** about it. I have gotten really good at just keeping things to myself (as you can see) and bottling up. I don't get anywhere anyway... I am just now at the end of my rope and not sure how much longer I can bottle this up....

I just need the courage....

In my opinion, he sounds emotionally abusive. It is absolutely not your fault that he is having an affair. And the fact that he wants affection from you, but only on his terms? That he wakes you up in the middle of the night when he knows you have to get up early? That he disregards your need for other types of intimacy? Those things all sound really controlling to me. Do you feel like you can say no to him when he asks for sex (or anything, for that matter)?

Honestly, those would be big deal breakers for me. It sounds like you have ample evidence of him having an affair, but he also is just completely unavailable. It sounds like he is essentially gone anyway.

You have to decide what YOU want. If you want the relationship to work, I think you may come to the conclusion that you are working with someone who sounds severely depressed and is escaping from his home life through work/friends/another woman and that he/you will probably need a lot of counseling and guidance to make it. Which is fine if that's what you want. But if it's not what you want, then GET MAD for yourself, because it sounds like this guy has really taken his fair share from you! and start taking steps to get out of the relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like it's really hard. Know that you are strong and that you deserve someone who wants to be around, but more than that, someone who cares about what YOU want too.

[Starflower]

I agree with InMediaRes.

[Storm Bride]

Honestly, with what you describe, the issue of cheating wouldn't even matter to me. The relationship sounds...well, it sounds non-existent, but that's not what I was going to say! It sounds emotionally abusive, and incredibly draining. I do not like being groped all the time, and if someone wants "affection", then I want affection, too...not just sex. It doesn't sound like he pays any attention whatsoever to your needs, which is a totally miserable way to live.

Even if there isn't another woman (or women), he's not really in this marriage, from the sounds of things. And, it sounds like you're quite sure there is another woman (or women). That makes it even less desirable to stick around. This could also jeopardize your physical health, if he brings home an STD.

If it were me, I'm pretty sure I'd be on my way out, yk?

[Chamomile Girl]

It sounds to me like you are afraid of him, and that is a huge red flag in itself. When he goes to leave to "check on work" on his one day off do you feel like you can tell him "no way!"?? Can you tell him "you need to stay at home buddy, because you have a family here that needs your attention"?? Because this guy needs a serious reality check; a major smackdown. Putting aside all the dreadful things that he is doing to you for the moment, he has kids who are learning it is ok for daddy not to care about them. And as the child of a father who was never available, emotionally or physically (even now) it leaves large scars.

Other ladies will probably have more specific advice on this front, but I would empower yourself to put your finances in order and kick the deadwood to the curb. He sounds like he is doing nothing but dragging you down. And if you do not feel safe having this discussion with him (and it sounds to me like that is the case) do you have anyone you trust that can be there to back you up?

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a real dealbreaker.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by cnfusd

Thank you for responding and your advice... I do appreciate it...

I am not sure what I want to happen at this point. All I do know is that I want an H who likes to spend time with me and his kids, who doesn't find taking care of them a chore, etc. I would feel more receptive to giving him for affection if he were around more for one and if he even helped in any way. He has two evenings during the week and one weekend day off from work. The evenings he chooses to go out so we don't see him and on the weekend day he sleeps til 12 or 1pm. He is so tired from getting home so late everynight of the week. He wakes up usually has lunch with us and then goes back to bed to watch tv. He makes no effort (since he hasn't been home) to even spend time with the kids. He says hi to them maybe carries them for a few minutes (or if I need him to to go to the rr or put a load) and then just watches tv. Usually by late afternoon he will go "check up" on work and won't come home til after midnight. I don't know... I guess in my mind I picture him WANTING to spend time with them, playing on the floor and actually giving them one on one attention. He doesn't.

As far as the affection thing... I try - sometimes... I do have to admit that. I did leave out that his definition is kissing passionately all the time - pecks don't count, meeting him with lingerie on when he gets home, etc. So when he gives me affection it always involves groping one way or another. He doesn't believe in holding hands. If we sit on the couch and watch a movie he will sit next to me and grope me periodically during the movie. He can't sit next to me and just hold my hand or I can't just hug him. We have had a discussion about "snuggling" and he doesn't go for it. I have told him that I would like it and that doesn't matter. If it were up to him we would be doing the deed everyday. To him we do the deed and that's it. There's no affection afterward or even before for that matter. I am always so tired. I leave the house at 6am every morning after packing two kids in a vehicle and their bags by myself while he sleeps... Up until about 1.5 months ago he had no problems coming home at 4am and waking me up for sex - even on days when my alarm was set for 5:15am... This past month and half he hasn't even bothered which is another clue that he is having an affair.

I don't want broken parents for my children but we kind of already are. Like I said before all he contributes is financially. I know that is a big part but he isn't here for us emotionally or physically... I just don't know what to do... I know if I approach him with this it's going to open a big can of worms and I think that it will definitely be over.

I just don't trust him anymore to be honest. After all of these women (which he doesn't even know that I know about them) I just cant trust that what he tells me is so.

I know that when/if I do confront him everything is going to be my fault. Especially since I don't have "concrete" proof - pics, witnesses, etc. I have to be prepared for that. He is really good at making you feel like your nothing and like IT IS all your fault. I can never get upset about anything when it comes to him. He is always right and I am always just being a little b**** about it. I have gotten really good at just keeping things to myself (as you can see) and bottling up. I don't get anywhere anyway... I am just now at the end of my rope and not sure how much longer I can bottle this up....

I just need the courage....

Well shoot, if all he contributes is a paycheck and is never home why keep him? He can provide a check ( child support) and you can find a man who understands foreplay and that the way to a woman's erogenous zones is through affection and consideration. Get tested for STDs. And just tell him you know, have known and are done pretending. Put him out. Clearly he has a place to go. You are giving him all the power, take it back!

[mandib50]

how would you feel about couples counseling, or for yourself (sorry if i missed that somewhere?)