Toddler and new baby - help me get through this

[Boot]

Why didn't anyone tell me how hard this would be?

My DS is almost 3, DD is 5 weeks. DS is a bright, sweet, funny, very verbal little boy. He is also extremely strong willed and stubborn. He is really acting up and it's driving me crazy. I know his world had been turned upside down and I am trying to give him loads of attention and am being as patient as I can but I'm at my wits end.

Problem 1 - he's stopped napping since the baby came. He still needs to nap but he just won't.

Problem 2 - as soon as I sit down to feed the baby he sets about doing everything he can to get my attention. This includes pulling stuff off shelves, climbing all over the baby's bed and car seat, shouting, banging things, etc. I try to ignore the behaviour but at a certain point I can't bear it any more and I put the baby down and remove DS from the situation. I try to read to him and talk to him during nursing and I involve him in DD's care but it doesn't help.

Problem 3 - the tantrums! It's really hard to physically handle a large toddler while wearing a baby. The other day I had to carry them both down a narrow stairs at a friends house (not safe) because he was tantrumming and refusing to go home.

My DH thinks we've created a monster and that this is not normal but I know it is. I just don't know what else to do to get through this. Any suggestions?

[pianojazzgirl]

Oh mama, I feel for you - this was my life 2.5 years ago. Please reassure your dh (and yourself) that this is totally normal. Your sweet ds is still your sweet ds but he's just going through some major upheaval.

1. Napping. Hmm.. Well, my dd had given up her nap by the time her baby brother was born, so I haven't had to live this one. The fighting the nap thing is unfortunate, cause for sure being overtired is not helping in the tantrum department. I wonder if your ds would sleep if you pushed him in the stroller (while wearing your babe, or using a double stroller if you have one). Or, could you put him in a dark(ish) room with a book-on-tape playing for him to listen to. At least he'd rest, and at best he'd conk out while it was playing. And worst case scenario could you put him down for the night earlier?

2. Ok, not ideal, but I consider this stage a time of survival when IMO it's ok to be a bit lax... Could you put on a short tv show, or let your ds play on starfall.com (or equivalent website) while you nurse the babe? Also (and you are probably already doing this) before nursing can you "fill ds's cup" by giving him exaggerated amounts of extra attention so that when you do have to take some attention away from him he might not be as "needy". (Though it is my experience that 3 yr olds who have a new sibling pretty much can't get enough attention). And one other idea that popped into my head - it is very possible to nurse in a variety of different baby carriers (wraps, mei tais, slings, pouches, SSCs). If you haven't already tried this maybe you could attend a meeting of your local babywearing group to get help learning how (our group's leader is a master in nursing in a wrap!). Then you would have hands-free to better deal with your ds if he does end up getting into things.

3. Tantrums... this is a big subject... and I have to go deal with the kids. I'll come back with more thoughts later. You should be sure to check out the multitude of threads around here on the topic as well.

Good luck mama.

and... IT DOES GET BETTER!!!! PROMISE!!!!!!!

[nina_yyc]

Right. There. With. You. I have a 3yo and a 3mo old and I've got on-purpose potty "accidents" and cheap shots at the baby. So, no advice...or maybe I should tell you everything I'm doing so you can do the opposite.

[Boot]

Thanks for the responses. Judging by the amount of people who read this without responding I'm guessing nobody really has any magical solutions and I just have to live through it. Today is a good day (so far!). We went to the park.

I am letting him watch youtube clips when I really need him to just sit down and be quiet for a few minutes but the whining and bad behaviour after we turn it off doesn't really make it worthwhile.

It's definitely better when we go out but it's not great for DD. She's getting to the stage where she really needs to nap at home. Is there an icon for tearing your hair out? There should be.

[pianojazzgirl]

Aw, hugs. I know how hard it is. I thought it worth mentioning again that it does get better! There's light at the end of the tunnel!

An idea that *might* help with the end-of-the-youtube-clip-tantrums. You decide ahead of time how long he can watch (think how long it will take to nurse the baby or whatever and then maybe give yourself another 5 mins or so of wiggle room), and then set a timer to go off at the end of that time. With some kids the timer is like magic. Where they might have had a royal freak-out when mama says "time's up" somehow they just accept the word of the timer. Worth a try anyway!

And I agree - getting out of the house can make everything so much better. I know sometimes baby napping at home is the ideal (trust me, I know), but sometimes napping in a carrier or stroller can work ok too. I guess you have to decide what's more important to your sanity - baby getting a good nap at home vs. relative peace from toddler because you're at the park. There's no right answer unfortunately, it's always about finding that balance. The upside to having baby nap at home can be that you get to do "big kid" activities with your ds (like baking cookies or something super cool). (Though of course by that point probably all you want to do is flake out surfing MDC... or maybe that's just me )

And I couldn't find a tearing your hair out smiley, but maybe this one will suffice:

Sending loads of "survival" vibes your way, mama!

[Just1More]

Heh. Yeah, this part is hard. Don't let it totally overwhelm or scare you, though. #3 was a breeze for us. This first transition is the worst. My dd1 wouldn't get into stuff, but she had a terrible attitude, and would just sit and stare at me and would refuse to play or look at anything. For like, a year. . She WAS two, though. You never know what a two year old might do, even without a new baby, lol!

It seemed so totally overwhelming, and I was SO tired (ds was a screamer...until he was past 2). But now...it's just a memory, and actually I have a lot of good ones from that time. It's bittersweet it's over.

But, what to DO about things...

Firstly, remember that this isn't forever. Ideal naptimes and behavior and whatever can flex and change. You aren't going to ruin anybody or anything by not doing things just so.

Secondly, prevent at much as possible. Super baby proof your house so there's nothing he CAN get into. Can you make a totally kid safe room? Go in there to nurse your dd, and take him in and shut (even lock) the door. Then he can do what he wills, but nothing bad can happen.

Thirdly, try your best to get out. It really does help a lot. OR try to have other people over to entertain your ds. Dd did SO much better when there was something besides me to entertain her and for her to think about. TV doesn't go very far that way, but a real live person does.

You'll make it. And so will your kids.

[nanamar]

HUGS!! No advice, since I could have wrote this post myself... I am going bananas too!
All the advice has been great, and I will buy a timer tomorrow, that is my next step, since my 3yo seems to have lost her hearing as well...

[lilith1]

I agree with pp, getting out of the house works like a charm for everyone. It helped my DS (18 months) with naps as well. We go to the park or playground twice a day. It's a 30 min walk one way, once I get there DS2 (10 weeks) goes in he Ergo and DS1 is off to climb and run around.
Granted, nothing gets done around the house that way, but generally, everyone is happier for the time being. If the weather doesn't permit a long outing, I make sure he burns energy other ways like pushing him on his trike around the block. Since I do that we hadn't had any more nap issues. He is simply tired. The same at night time.
The tantrums are hard, I find myself all the time with one kiddo in the Ergo, the other struggling on my hip...I invested in a double umbrella stroller ( stays in the car, easy to fold, small, used on Craigslist) that I take into the library and other places to avoid that. It's been working so far.
Nursing in DS1 room has helped, I can close the door, he is safe and we are all in there. Nobody feels left out and I reserve for him a toy in the closet for times a little more resistant. Usually breaks the ice.
And I noticed my days getting easier already DS2 being 10 weeks as compared to 5 weeks ago. DS1 is adjusting now as well.

Well, this are my experiences so far. Hugs to you, it's hard.

[nina_yyc]

Re: needing your kid to just sit in one place. I have my DD do 30mins of quiet time in her room if we are home all day. We usually do it after lunch and she must do her quiet time before her 30 mins of TV or computer time. It was rough getting her into the routine but she's starting to do it without a fight and when it works it is AWESOME...between quiet time and TV it's like an hour break for mommy! She has a 30min limit for screen time enforced by the timer/inability to work DVD menus.

Mind you, I'm the one who said to do the opposite of whatever I'm doing, so proceed with caution

[sewaneecook]

My 2 are 3 years apart too. The first few months were really tough.

For me it really helped to get out of the house because it kept DS1 occupied. He liked going to stores with train tables, going to the park, zoo, aquarium, etc. One thing that has continued to keep his attention is rice in a bowl. He'll play with it by himself for about 45 minutes. I keep a bowl of uncooked rice on the back porch (completely enclosed porch) and let him go at it. Hide some small objects in the rice, put a couple small cups with it, a funnel, etc. Rice ends up everywhere on the porch, but is easily swept or vacuumed up. Another thing that helped while BFing DS2 is reading to DS1. This kept him out of trouble and gave him some much needed mama time.

Will your DS nap in the car? On days that were more difficult and DS1 needed a nap, but wouldn't take one at home, he would if we were driving in the car.

DS1 can get very physical with DS2 and during that time I keep DS2 in a carrier.

DS2 is now 8 months old and things have progressively gotten easier.

[sarahtdubb]

nak...

I'm in this boat, too-- I have a 5 wk old DD and 2.5 yo DS.

things don't sound quite as hard for me--luckily, DS likes to watch DD nurse, so he often wants to sit with us. But other times he pees on stuff or tries to hit her, etc. Exciting times!

The last couple weeks have gotten a little better, here are some of my strategies:

-stay calm. The first several days my husband was back at work and I was alone with the 2 kids, I pretty much cried all the time. Then I realized that if my days weren't going to change, I better change my attitude. So I stopped the guilt (feeling like I wasn't adequately meeting either of their needs) and stopped freaking out when things got stressful. Part of this meant accepting some new feelings I was having about DS; for the first time in his life, I was having negative feelings about him--I was feeling really angry and hurt when he hit his sister (and me), etc...and after an afternoon of my crying I realized that a lot of my emotions was coming from the shock of feeling that way about him. So I've come to accept that i will experience a range of emotions and that as long as I stay calm and loving, my initial feelings about this (ie. wanting to grab him and push him away when he hits her) are ok, because I'm not acting on them.

-nursing in a carrier is really helpful

-since DD was born, we have started doing A LOT of "playful parenting"--there is a book about it, but I only got through the intro, but I got the main idea! So we pretty much turn every conflict into a game. it's made me realize that a lot of our conflicts/bad behavior are times when DS is bored and just wants to play, and it's his way of engaging us. Here are a couple examples--

Today we were going to leave and drive a friend's house. I knew he would love it once we left, and we both needed to leave the house, but for whatever reason he is also hesitant to leave and cries and says he wants to stay home. So he was having a mild tantrum, crying that he wanted to stay at home, and I got his shorts out. I asked him a couple times to put his shorts on and he just screamed. So I said (oh, and the baby is in the carrier)-

me: ok, I'm going to wear these shorts! they are sooo cool. (I start to try to put my foot into his shorts)

DS: no, those are my shorts!

me: no, I'm pretty sure they're mine, though they do seem a little small...

DS (smiling now): they're mine! you're too big.

me: They're yours? no, I don't think so. I don't think they'll fit you.

Ds: uh-huh!

me: ok, show me!

And he puts on his shorts smiling.

Repeat to get on each shoe.

Then it's time to get in the car and he decides, again, that we should stay home. So I challenge him to a race to the car, and he runs out the door. He has NEVER refused a race!! Whenever he starts to freak because he doesn't want to leave somewhere--whether it's home, a park, etc.--racing to leave usually does the trick for us. or asking him for help, like "Can you help me find the stroller? I can't remember where it is..."

Sometimes we do similar things when the baby is nursing. If DS is feeling particularly "challenging" , he'll sometimes try to come and hit the baby while she is nursing (he thinks her reaction is very interesting, and I guess he's right). So when I see him coming towards us with that glint in his eye I say "you better not come over here! the tickle monster will get you!" and then when he runs over I reach my hand out to tickle him, he runs away laughing, etc. repeat for as long as it gets traction.

This takes so much energy i am ready to die when my husband gets home-- but it keeps conflicts to a minimum, diffuses tantrums, and makes me feel like I am working with my kid instead of against him.

Someone is waking up, gotta run. Good luck!! Everyone swears it gets easier, so either it's a massive conspiracy to deceive us, or we really will survive!

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by sarahtdubb

Part of this meant accepting some new feelings I was having about DS; for the first time in his life, I was having negative feelings about him--I was feeling really angry and hurt when he hit his sister (and me), etc...and after an afternoon of my crying I realized that a lot of my emotions was coming from the shock of feeling that way about him.

I am so grateful that my wonderful doula warned me about how your feelings towards your firstborn can change after your 2nd is born. She explained that a lot of this is due to hormonal changes - your body is in full-on protect the newborn mode and so your older one, though perhaps still a toddler themselves, can seem so much older - and expectations for their behaviour can get a bit skewed. Knowing this ahead of time - knowing that this is normal and a lot of mamas (most?) experience this - made it so much easier for me to forgive myself for having these feelings. My doula said that usually these feeling subside a few months after the baby is born and I found that to be the case with me.