How to Stop Putting My Life on Hold for Future Children...

[aquarius aspiring]

I've wanted to be a mother for a long time now and the urge is even stronger now that I'm married.

I come to MDC to read everything on parenting, birth, and I like reading the posts in the Mindful Home.

I have a list (probably several) of things that I want to do and that DH and I want to do together before having kids. However, when I think about these things (like moving to a different city), I think of the impact of having kids there (homeschooling, how "crunchy" it is, community, etc.).

Does anyone have any advice for me? You can tell me I'm a completely crazy person. I think I am right now.

Edited by aquarius aspiring - 12/31/11 at 5:26pm

[Storm Bride]

No advice. My story is completely different, but I can relate to the obsession with children, and with that impacting a relatively young marriage. I never really got over mine, until I got the family I wanted (admittedly, there were several things over the years that exacerbated it badly).


I don't really know what to say, because I wasn't able to shake my focus. Maybe you could try writing stuff down, instead of talking to your dh about it so much? Maybe write a story about how you see your life five years from now or something?

[SoulCakes]

Some of the things you cite as proof of "crazy" really aren't: there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight so it's easier to run after your future kids. And it's smart to think about the child-friendliness of a new city, because who knows how long you're going to be there?

Just because you're waiting to have kids doesn't mean that you shouldn't prepare for their eventuality. If you had decided to never have kids, then yeah, I think it would be weird. But you definitely want them someday, possibly soon. So it's good to prepare.

As for the longing, that may not go away until you actually have kids... it's the nature of the beast. You might be able to distract yourself and not think about it as much, and if you create the most fulfilling life that you can you might be successful in making peace with putting it off. But for you, part of a fulfilling life is going to include having children, so don't be alarmed if you still feel yourself longing for child in the meantime.

Try to lessen the intensity of the longing by keeping in mind that you will indeed be having children, and fairly soon. In the meantime, work to make your life satisfying and productive, so you'll be as financially, emotionally and physically prepared as possible for when that time does come.

Best of luck to you.