I ran into them today, and I just can't take this life anymore :(

[ExOfficia]

I can't count how many times I've said this since he told me he was leaving back in November, but this has been the worst day of my life.

I have been in a bad, bad place the last few days (see my post below). Today I woke up, the sun was shining, and I decided that I was going to try to fake my way through the day, as if I was having a good one.

It started out well enough. I took dd to a doctor's appointment, dropped her off at school, then met a friend at Ikea, and had coffee with him. I was starting to feel better.

On my home I decided to drop in to the thrift store in our neighborhood to see if I could find any spring stuff for the kids, and who do I run in to- my ex. I was totally dumbfounded, shocked, in terror. I didn't think he was back in town- he'd been out of town visiting his gf (and affair partner).

I took a deep breath and just said hi. He looked at me, gave me a half-fake smile and said hi back. Then he went back to looking at the wine glasses he'd been looking at. That was it.

I couldn't see in front of me, but I managed to walk away from him, towards another part of the store. Then I thought, this is crazy, I need to talk to him.
I'd been on a bad emotional bender the last few days and he'd been ignoring my calls and texts- he didn't even call the kids over the weekend. And over the weekend my emotional state got worse and worse as he ignored me- one of my biggest triggers is him shutting me down.

I'm sure he's angry at me, because (silly me, I know this was stupid) on Friday night I sent a long, desperate email to his gf where I left nothing unsaid. I spilled the beans on his other infidelities (which I am pretty sure she didn't know about and thus are probably still going on), told her everything I knew about her (which my ex had told me) and that basically, I've got her number, and she should just cut to the chase and tell me what she wants. She has been pressuring him from the beginning to leave me, to move to her city and basically abandon his kids (again, fool that he is, he told me these things.)

So that's the context.

I couldn't take his rejection, yet again, and I pretty much ran out of the store and back to my car where I bawled my eyes out for the next half hour. Finally I got it together enough to drive, so I pulled out and decided to head to the bakery down the road to pick up some bagels for my kids before going home. I park, get out of the car, and who do I see?

I see my ex, and better yet, with his gf.

I just wanted to die. At first I kept walking towards them, and then I decided to turn around and get back to my car. They both saw me, ex giving me the dirtiest look I've ever seen coming from him. They darted into a store, reacting as if I was the crazy ex who would like to go postal on them but not in a public place.

I am devastated. One of the things we'd agreed to in joint counselling was that when she was in town, he'd let me know so that I wouldn't run into them. I am especially terrified of running into them when I am with the kids. They don't know about her, they don't know about him leaving me for her, they don't know about any of his infidelities. We had also agreed that they shouldn't know about her for quite awhile.

I feel so utterly disrespected. As if being dumped for another woman (who also dumped her husband, but not until mine dumped me first!) wasn't bad enough.

I can't take this anymore. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has, he wants to help, blahblahblah. But then he goes and acts in completely selfish, self-centred ways, as if he's completely forgotten what he'd promised me in counselling.

So, how do I not care? I am grasping at straws here. I am sad and miserable and every time I get back up on my feet a little bit, something comes crashing down.

Also- my lawyer is working on the financials right now. He has at least been good about money, but we haven't signed anything yet. Can I put in provisions about telling the kids about her, giving me fair warning that she is in town, etc., or am I asking for too much? Are there ways to have more control about when they meet her? She is manipulative and dangerous and controlling (again, his own words- he'd gone out with her just before me, over 23 years ago so he told me about her early on) and while I would really love for her to have absolutely nothing to do with my kids, if their relationship survives, it is inevitable that these worlds will collide.

I wish the universe would just give me a break

[CookieMonsterMommy]

I'm very sorry that you're hurting right now, and I can't imagine running into my ex while he was out with his gf.

BUT, and I'm sorry if this sounds mean, had my ex sent my current BF a letter like the one you sent his GF...I'm not sure I'd be playing by the rules we agreed to in counseling either. IMO, you kind of went waaaay off the map there (and you admit to knowing it was wrong, and regretting it, to us anyway) and I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go out of his way to let you know his plans. This "promise" was a courtesy, not a legally binding mandate...something you guys agreed to do in good faith. Well, I'd be willing to bet that it was implied, if not agreed to explicitly, that you, as a courtesy, would not send nasty emails to his current gf--whether she deserves them or not.

You say this occurred at a time when your children were in school, thus not at a risk of being exposed. Had it happened at a later time when the kids were with you, or could have been with you, then I would be calling him selfish, immature, etc.

Yes, he should have called the kids this weekend. He was wrong for that. But you also say he didn't answer your texts or calls...how many did you send/make?

As far as I know, as long as she isn't proven to be a danger in some way to the children, you can't stop them from meeting her. It's been arranged in cases I know of IRL that the gf can't spend the night when your ex has the kids overnight, or that she can't care for them/take them on trips if he's not around, stuff like that.

And as far as the fair warning clause, idk...I've never heard of such a thing being written up into the agreement. Again, this sounds like something that would be dependant on courtesy and respect.

Again, I'm sorry that you and your children are going through this tough time in your lives. And ftr, i can't say that I haven't done similar things (sending emails to the current gf, bombarding the ex w/txts and calls)...but I can say looking back that I can understand completely why these choices and actions caused my ex to respond in a less-than-courteous, respectful manner.

[ExOfficia]

Thanks for you reply, CookieMonsterMommy.

Thing is, he'd promised me fair warning long ago, weeks before I sent the nasty email (and it was the only nasty email, not like I had been bombarding her). He violated our agreement two weeks ago when she was up here on a Saturday and he didn't tell me- and given that we live in a very tight neighborhood it was surprising that we *didn't* run into them on a sunny Saturday afternoon out and about. He told me about this after the fact and he apologized- his rationale was that she was here visiting her dad and they only met up at his place (which I'm not sure I buy, given his history of lying, but, whatever) so there should be no chance of running in to us.

I'm sure though that he didn't tell me about this weekend because he was pissed off about Friday's email to her. I did spin out of control a bit on Saturday- I sent him a ton of texts begging him to speak to me. I'm sure I've now clearly identified myself as the crazy-ex. I didn't contact her at all though. This was all while he was still out of town. So I was totally thrown seeing them this morning- one, I didn't expect him to be back so soon, and two, I certainly didn't expect her to be coming back with him. That's where I had no warning.

I have apologized to him for the general craziness of the last few days. I have not apologized about the email to her. I actually think I wrote it well- it was not at all below the belt, no name calling crazy stuff- it was more a come on, I'm tired, let's cut to the chase and just tell me exactly what you want, you'll be surprised at how generous I can be. Which I truly mean in a genuine way. He's an idiot and she's pulling all the strings so I figured there's no sense in trying to get anything out of him at this point. I am not naive, I don't really expect to hear anything back from her, but I felt like I needed to make a declaration of, YO, I'm here, I see what's happening, and I've got your number, check?

All that said, I have no plans of doing this sort of thing again. I'm exhausted, I just want it all to go away.

At the same time, I have this insane idea that she should apologize for her part in this. I know, fat chance on this one...

[justmama]

i agree that sending the gf the letter was sorta not cool. BUT you can't take it back now. You can only move on. My biggest fear is running into my ex with another woman. It literally keeps me awake at night. So I can only imagine how that felt. I really think you need to back as far away from them as quickly as possible. Yes, what happened was wrong. Yes, it's unfair. Divorce usually is. But I think you need to focus on you and the kids and try to keep yourself busy in order to heal and stay away from him. He has made his choice and as much as it most likely kills you to feel this, you need to just back off. And I say that as gently and lovingly as possible. It's better for you and it's better for the relationship between you both as co-parents. Who really cares what's best for him? Getting a visitation and contact schedule hammered out ASAP will only help you. Once it's routine, it's almost liveable to deal with. And you can prepare for the encounters emotionally when you know they are coming and you won't feel blindsided. And the kids won't suffer for not hearing from dad because he'll be less likely to avoid you because he fears of an emotional blow-up. In my most humble opinion, that's what he's doing. Now I don't know him or you but these are my best guesses of what will help. I wish you luck. You certainly don't have it easy with this situation.

[Avani]

Besides the other content of the email why are you asking her what she wants? Honestly she has nothing to do with your situation. Yes she may or may not be involved with the kids but everything needs to be hammered out between you and your ex, not her. She is beside the point. I'm sure it is awful to see them together but you honestly can't expect him to let you know when she is in town. really, i know it sucks but still. I've been there it is awful to be in the thick of it. Do everything you can to cut ties with him and detach. It is for your highest good and the kids too. Fill your life with activities and friends and do your best to just walk away from the rest. His life is now his and vice versa. Imagine if you had a new boyfriend(i know hard to believe right now but still) and your ex sent him a letter detailing all the most awful things about you in the world. It isn't going to break them up, it does just make you look unhinged and emotional. If anything it drives that woman further into his arms. Take the high road mama, it may seem awful now but it really and truly will get better. I don't want to be harsh, i know this is hard but you need to pull it together for the sake of the kids. And yourself! You deserve so much better and life is going to get better for you. Hugs.

[justmama]

another thought. you cannot force him to keep her out of the kids' lives unfortunately. it just doesn't work that way. BUT if you repair your personal relationship with the both of them by apologizing and backing off and having nothing to do with them other than things pertaining to the children, he may be more amenable to listening to your point of view. Example: my ex and I are on great terms. It's not the relationship I want. I want him back, I want my marriage back, I love him so much it hurts me physically. But he's made it clear that that is not in the cards for us. So I suffer in silence and respect his boundaries and in return he respects my love and my heart by not discussing girlfriends, dates, whatever with me. We speak on a nightly basis when the kids say goodnight to him. He expects a call at 8pm sharp. After the kids are all in bed, they call and say goodnight and discuss their days quickly and then I talk to him. Sometimes it's just a "hey, see ya tomorrow." Sometimes it's more involved because there's a schedule change in the works or something going on with the kids that we need to discuss. Or sometimes he sounds stressed and I ask about it and listen to him vent. Or he does that for me. It's not frequent but it does happen. So I guess you could call us friends now. It hurts me but it's what's best for my girls and it's easier to be civil and "friends" than to carry anger at the break-up and be the crazy ex begging for him to come back to me. Do I feel that way? Heck yeah I do. But it wouldn't help either of us to voice it and it would probably strain the great co-parenting relationship we have. He's made his opinion on our relationship abundantly clear and it's my job to respect that and make the best out of a hard situation. I think you could get to that point too if you try like heck to leave your emotions at the door as much as humanly possible and respect his decision and his feelings even if you feel like he's not respecting yours. I will clarify that I can't always mainain that veneer of calm and zen and that friendship level. Sometimes I just start to well up watching him with the kids or thinking about him and I need to walk away from him and not talk about it. And because I respect him and his decisions, he tends to respect my need for space most times. It's not easy and it requires a GREAT deal of compromise and over 2 years down the road I'm still hurting but it's the best we can do with this.

[Avani]

Wow, bravo Justmama. That is amazing. I try to be that way myself, i falter a lot but each day gets better.

[meemee]

mama you are expecting too much.

it is amazing that he even promises rather than tell you to mind your own business about her visiting.

he knows you are taking it hard which is probably why the promises which i guess he does to appease you.

it IS a hard journey and you will come out of it a powerful confident person.

have you really had a proper breakdown? have you given yourself permission to truly break down and cry. REALLY cry for as long as you need. not just for a few minutes. have you sat and really felt the pain and emptiness?

i am surprised you want or even expect an apology out of her. why? what has she done. you have already said your had multiple infideleties. so either it would be her or someone else. so 'her' part of the deal is so immaterial.

how you live your life is in your hands. are you going to give in to the sadness and give it power to do illogical things or are you going to feel it, mourn it and then move on.

he is now just the father of your children. for a year after our separation i desperately wanted ex back. inspite of everything. i found i was drowning in an unhealthy way. that's when i decided i needed to be more in control of my life and not let him have so much control without him even being there.

i had my dd to take care of. what kind of a life would i give her if all i could do was crawl into bed. and so as others pointed out i started on my own self discovery journey. what did i like. what were my absolute favourite things to do. as finances permitted i did things. classes of my own interest.

however i first had to wallow in that year of pain. but i had to purposefully discipline myself to not think about him. as i started doing more and more - whatever it was - going for a walk, hanging out with friends, reading, movies - i soon discovered i thought less and less about him. i still recall sometimes i was so surprised i hadnt thought of him the whole day.

i mean how ridiculous was that?!!!! why did i want him back when he started cheating on me when dd was a month old.

dont involve your mind about him and his promises and his new gf.

think about you. do it in some form that is easy for you. journal if you wish. but start for at least 15 mins everyday finding out something about yourself. what movies you like and why. what was your happiest place in the world during childhood.

i know for some to truly heal they need to date. that's not for me. but for many dating was the only thing that really took their mind off their own relationship.

your children meeting her. do you believe everything your ex told you about her. if he can say such mean things about her then why is he with her.

you are putting too much power in their hand. its their action that is making you sad. take that power back. time will start to heal. it really does. but you have to choose. do you want to continue living in teh self pity world or are you going to take action and do something with your life.

are you working? can you? oh boy work soooo helped me with this. forced me to take my mind off of him.

[MissLotus]

It must have been really hard to see him without warning, and then on top of that, to see them both together! That's a really hard day.

I think you're making things worse for yourself, though. I think life will be easier for you once you stop expecting anything from him (aside from child support and agreed-upon visitation). As much as he should be a stand-up guy, and be sorry that he had an affair - and, no, technically that behavior of his does not deserve civility - but for YOUR sake, let it go. So it won't drive you crazy any more. He'll just keep letting you down, so don't put any eggs in that basket, so to speak. Anyone that would cheat on you will also very likely not follow through on promises. And while it would be nice if he kept his agreement to warn you if they're in town, etc, it's a bit much to expect, because your relationship is over.

Like someone else said, you CAN perhaps, in your agreement, put clauses about not having the girlfriend along on overnights at this time, and to put that you have the "first right of refusal" meaning that when your kids are with ex, if for whatever reason he can't take care of them, they'll go back to you - so they won't end up alone with the girlfriend. And on a personal level, you can perhaps simply ask that he waits a certain period of time to introduce the kids to her. But you can't reasonably expect a report every time they're in town. And he probably felt that it would trigger another big emotional reaction from you, to tell you. I wouldn't be happy with the girlfriend either - why's she involved with a married man with kids? - but there's not a single thing to be gained from asking her what she wants, as there are no agreements to be made between you. Acting out emotionally will not bring him back and make him a good family man.

Let yourself go through your grief, because then comes acceptance. And once you accept that your relationship with him is over, you can move on for YOU, and be interested in the million other things in life there are to think about! You'll get there - it eventually will not matter to you what he's doing, what they're doing, where they are - because you'll have your own life and interests. MeeMee had some great advice - after your grief, distract yourself with other things, do not dwell on the ex, and soon enough it will be the real thing - you really won't be thinking about him. Know that there is a lot of charm in having your own life back again!

[Super~Single~Mama]

You were way out of line texting him a bunch of times to "beg" him to talk to you. He's your ex. It's hard, I get that, but if you don't have a legitimate reason to talk to him (ie, the kids, schedules, visitation) DO NOT CONTACT HIM! That's HARASSMENT and you can get into BIG trouble for it. Don't do anything that is going to make this harder on you - calling/texting him a bunch is only going to make it worse b/c you're expecting a response and he's not going to give you one.

I know you're hurting, but you need to talk to someone else about it. Do you have a counselor? A best friend that you can cry on for a few hours? Find someone you trust that you can talk to that will actually help you to feel better.

Good luck mama, its hard, but you can do it! And, next time you see him with her, take a deep breath, and go about your business. It will be hard the first few times, but it will get easier.

[organicpapayamama]

oh mama I couldnt read and not post. I cant imagine what you have gone through. That is one of my fears as well. not only running into my ex, but his fiance and daughter as well. Although Ive seen them in photos and heard of them through the grapevine (not to mention its been almost 2 1/2 years since he left me) it would rip my heart out to actually see them out and about as a new family (not to mention give me a major panic attack). Especially given the fact that he has never met our son. And he went on to have a dd after ours died. And not only to run into him once but twice!! wow... I just dont even have words. If there was an agreement for him to have specifically told you anytime the new gf is in town he should have def said something. Im so sorry. Honestly, if it were me, I would move somewhere where I know I would never run into him or her or any of their families. My ex doesnt have any custody or visitation. so I can do that (and plan on doing so when Im financially able) but idk if you are able to or if he has any type of custody or visitation. if you cant move then I would speak to your lawyer about this arrangement that he agreed to and is not abiding by. Not sure what they can do for you but its a start. Hugs mama.

and btw after reading your reply I dont think that the email sounded nasty. I think you were communicating facts about your ex, weather they were asked for or not, weather they wanted to know of not... sounds like you just had to get it out of your system and then the next move was hers, whatever that may be. I know the feeling.. yea you didnt need to send the email but you did and it doesnt sound like it was nasty though.

[*MamaJen*]

I know it's really really hard, but the best thing you can do is let go. Are you in counseling right now? You may find it really helpful to have a safe space where you can talk about it, and find healthier ways of dealing with it.
And whatever you do, don't let yourself send any more of the texts/emails. It doesn't help anything and can really hurt.

[singin'intherain]

I agree, the best thing you can do about this situation is take your focus off of him and put it onto your own grieving and healing. His infidelity is not about you, and you deserve so much better than that. When you feel more yourself, you'll get to see that in the real world, he's so not a prize! Multiple infidelities- come on! I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but truly you will be so grateful some day that this woman took him off your hands.