Choke Hold

[confused60]

I have a ten year old son who was visiting his 25 year old sister. Her 40 year old roommate put a choke hold on my son. These are his exact words..

" mom P****** put me in a choke hold and it made me feel cool and weird"

while he is telling me this he is demonstrating by closing his eyes and moving his body in the way that is appropriate for what he was saying.

After P****** finished the choke hold he asked my son " did you notice I let you breath while doing that"

I need advice on how to handle this. Of course the roommate is saying it is not true and my son is exaggerating. And unfortunately my daughter and her husband believe him.

My son would not have known how to make this up what should I do?

confused60

[Bokonon]

I would not let him visit that sister as long as the roommate is living there.

[wemoon]

Aahhh... that is scarey. I would discuss how extremely dangerous this is. Find information on the internet about it, possibley a story about how a child has died from it. I would stress exactly how dangerous it is.

[confused60]

Thank you ladies! I guess I needed someone to validate my feelings.
I have told him he could not go back as long as the guy was there.I also talked frankly to him about the danger

What I am really struggling with is his sister and brother in law being so ummm well they say it was a "mistake" like it is no big deal. And flat out taking the word of the roommate over his. They have not spoke to my son about it or even suggested talking to him. So he is feeling like it is all his fault for telling me about it. He was not tattling by no means he was just telling m how cool and weird it felt. How would handle my daughter? She most certainly LOVES him almost as if he were her own.

Thanks again
confused60

[sapphire_chan]

Tell your dd that since she was dismissive of the situation you can't trust her. If she'd said something like "I think he's exaggerating, but I'll be sure to keep an eye on things" that'd be one thing but flat out denying any possibility of something bad having happened? Nope.

And if the roommate is doing stuff that is prone to a bad interpretation (best case scenario) it's not a good idea for him to be alone around kids (who'll be more likely to take stuff the wrong way) any way.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Tell your dd that since she was dismissive of the situation you can't trust her. If she'd said something like "I think he's exaggerating, but I'll be sure to keep an eye on things" that'd be one thing but flat out denying any possibility of something bad having happened? Nope.

And if the roommate is doing stuff that is prone to a bad interpretation (best case scenario) it's not a good idea for him to be alone around kids (who'll be more likely to take stuff the wrong way) any way.

This.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it to your son. Just tell him, you don't like P**** for the way he treated him, and you aren't letting him go hang out where that man (who should know better) might do something again.

Just curious.... is the 40 year old the owner of the home? Or is he living with the homeowners?

[confused60]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

This.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it to your son. Just tell him, you don't like P**** for the way he treated him, and you aren't letting him go hang out where that man (who should know better) might do something again.

Just curious.... is the 40 year old the owner of the home? Or is he living with the homeowners?

Yea I think you might be right here no since in battling a no win war.

The 40 year old rents the house from the home owner. May I ask why you ask?

Any other advise will be much appreciated.

confused60

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by confused60

The 40 year old rents the house from the home owner. May I ask why you ask?

I was just wondering if your daughter might feel like he has some financial power over she and her husband. Sometimes it's harder to confront something like this if you think it might damage the tentant/owner relationship.

[confused60]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I was just wondering if your daughter might feel like he has some financial power over she and her husband. Sometimes it's harder to confront something like this if you think it might damage the tenant/owner relationship.

No they more "friend" then tenant/owner and she and her husband just moved in with him and his wife. If she thought he thought he had financial power she would tell him to take a hike. I have heard him referred to as a "Guru" not from her but another person. He is definitely on some kind of power trip and she obviously is blinded by the light she LOVES her brother for sure. This is so difficult because they(sister and brother) are so close

My heart is truly breaking over this

confused60

[Ann-Marita]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the others - no unsupervised visits at her home as long as she lives with P*** (or even if he's just hanging out at her place often).

Maybe she can come to your house to visit? Maybe they can meet at a neutral place, like a park or local attraction or event. What interests do they have in common? Maybe they could meet for lessons or games.

But no way would my child ever be around P*** again, without me watching every minute.

[magentamomma]

Choking can be part of a certain branch of sexual play, I am particularly concerned with the man saying see how i let you breath? It is like he was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and the reassuring your son as to his good intentions. I see this as grroming behavior that often leads up to sexual abuse. You should praise your son for coming straight to you and pat yourself on the back that you raised him with this sense of boundaries. I don't know what to say about the sisters reaction., I am sorry you have to deal with that.

[Ann-Marita]

I see this as grooming, too. But to me it seems more cult-like than sexual.

You said that P*** is refered to as the Guru. Is he a religious leader of some kind, or a wanna-be?

I fear for your sister.

[confused60]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

I see this as grooming, too. But to me it seems more cult-like than sexual.

You said that P*** is referred to as the Guru. Is he a religious leader of some kind, or a wanna-be?

I fear for your sister.

Oh no about the "Guru" remark, this was a person well a personal observation from a close family member and myself.

but ya know my daughter has many times before she moved in with him (they just moved in ) said how "spiritual" he was. Also he is a sponsor for N/A and this definitely appears to have gone to his head. A wanna be would suit his description.

It is my daughter my 10 year olds sister, by the way.

Thanks you

confused60

[confused60]

Originally Posted by magentamomma

Choking can be part of a certain branch of sexual play, I am particularly concerned with the man saying see how i let you breath? It is like he was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and the reassuring your son as to his good intentions. I see this as grroming behavior that often leads up to sexual abuse. You should praise your son for coming straight to you and pat yourself on the back that you raised him with this sense of boundaries. I don't know what to say about the sisters reaction., I am sorry you have to deal with that.

This has been thought but I dismissed it quickly because my best friends daughter (adult) died this way so I did not want to let my mind go there.

I have certainly praised my boy. He felt so bad when he realize he was not going back over there,(he LOVES his sister) but he has also seemed relieved.
It's kinda of weird actually.

Well at the very least he is an idiot, and has turned my daughters and son inlaws head considering thier reaction (or lack of) to the choke hold.

umm you have given me somthing to think about here.

Thank you
confused60

[confused60]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the others - no unsupervised visits at her home as long as she lives with P*** (or even if he's just hanging out at her place often).

Maybe she can come to your house to visit? Maybe they can meet at a neutral place, like a park or local attraction or event. What interests do they have in common? Maybe they could meet for lessons or games.

But no way would my child ever be around P*** again, without me watching every minute.

He will NEVER go to that house again and neither will I or my husband. Well my husband and I may go to get my 2 grandchildren I do not want to even think about what could happen if I were to see P****** again. I am not into violence at all but was a line that was crossed that I never had to deal with before and I am p'ed off.

And I sure hope my daughter will make vists happen somewhere else.

confused60

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by magentamomma

Choking can be part of a certain branch of sexual play, I am particularly concerned with the man saying see how i let you breath? It is like he was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and the reassuring your son as to his good intentions. I see this as grroming behavior that often leads up to sexual abuse. You should praise your son for coming straight to you and pat yourself on the back that you raised him with this sense of boundaries. I don't know what to say about the sisters reaction., I am sorry you have to deal with that.

This, this, this!

I think you need to talk to your DD about this too. She needs to be aware of this.

I'm sorry to hear that you have already been touched by a tragic result of this kind of behavior. It's so very hard to talk to kids about issues that bring up ghosts from our own past.

[7thDaughter]

Everyone's already said it: Protect your son. Advise your adult daughter of how dangerous and weird this behavior is and that no responsible person should dismiss the implications. (She's not educated in sexual abuse of minors or she'd have recognized the signs.) This one event speaks volumes about what this man is capable of. Do not let her ignore the warning signs of an abuser! (Tell her in no uncertain terms to Move out!)

Call the police and report the incident. The man has already performed an abusive maneuver on a minor. If an adult in any kid's club did this, I'd be on the phone to the police immediately. This was not friendly wrestling. Be brave and loud in protection of children.

Predators count on silence and conformity. Be loud. Your totem should be the Mother Bear. You may be saving another child's future.

[Arduinna]

You know what, if it was my 10 year old that happened to you couldn't hold me back. I'd be over ripping that roommate a new one. I'd also report it to the police. It goes without saying that he would not be allowed over there without me again. Period.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by magentamomma

Choking can be part of a certain branch of sexual play, I am particularly concerned with the man saying see how i let you breath? It is like he was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and the reassuring your son as to his good intentions. I see this as grroming behavior that often leads up to sexual abuse. You should praise your son for coming straight to you and pat yourself on the back that you raised him with this sense of boundaries. I don't know what to say about the sisters reaction., I am sorry you have to deal with that.

This!

Especially after reading the rest of the thread. I'd check out the sex offender list as see if the guy is one it.

[confused60]

Hi I have been busy all week with my mother in the hospital but this issue has been in the front of my mind. I truly appreciate ALL your responses .

I have no idea what this mans full name is but have emailed my daughter for this information. I do not know what I will do with it if she gives it to me probably just check him out. She may not give it to me in which case I will have to find it on my own and she knows I will. I have also invited her to join this discussion and I hope she does. She has allot of respect for this forum as she has been a member for years. As for speaking to her in person we do not do well when we disagree on a subject talking face to face so she has opted to communicate via email. Hopefully this will be productive. My son is suffering from quilt for telling me about this and fear of loosing his sister.

Please believe me it has been very difficult to hold myself back but my son is not in immediate danger for he will NEVER go around P****** again. And sometimes holding back is more effective then not.

Again Thank You All

confused60