Can I Cry On Your Shoulder?

[monkeybum]

Just need a shoulder to cry on…I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. I’m just “done”. My marriage is falling apart, my husband is going through anxiety and depression issues and is stressing me and the kids out constantly, he does absolutely nothing around the house, with the kids, or anything. Last year we moved in to a large house and all of the responsibility of maintaining and running the house falls on me, I am also the primary breadwinner so I also have the pressure to pay the mortgage. I also pay for both of our cars, and for everything for the kids. I work full time (60+ hrs/week) in a very busy and demanding senior management job which I absolutely hate, plus we’ve downsized 50% in the last 5 years and I’m doing the work that 3 people used to do, and one of my most important staff has gone on medical leave and I can’t get approval to replace her so I’m doing her job too.

I’m trying to shuttle the kids to daycare, get to work on time, pick them up from daycare/school, get all of their (and my) laundry done, I’m trying to organize birthdays, Easter, keeping the house clean, homework, dishes washed and put away, getting the garbage out, groceries, cooking meals, making lunches, changing the sheets, finding the winter/summer clothes, taking kids to the doctor, yard work, planning summer camps, sick days and PD days, tidying up toys, toilet training my 2 year old, having electrical work done, fixing the fridge, clearing newspapers from the front step, finding a bike for the kids, repairing ripped snow pants, etc. etc. etc. while my husband mopes around talking about how awful his life is, but doing SQUAT about it.

I never have time to myself as every time I try to even go to the grocery store, my husband drills me on how long I’ll be, when will I be back etc, he calls me every 20 minutes asking when I’ll be back (he is terrified of being on his own with the kids for some reason) and ends up either yelling at the kids the whole time so I come home to them in tears, or he neglects them and takes a nap and I end up coming home to one of them hurt. Occasionally he’ll bribe them with candy and I’ll come home to them having eaten HUGE amounts of candy, chips, etc. – whatever he can find, and/or he’ll be watching a violent movie and he’s letting the kids (2 and 5) watch it. He sits on his *ss and does nothing most of the time, and when he does manage to help put the kids pajamas on, he acts like he has cured cancer and keeps asking me to thank him.

My house is a total disaster, (like literally, the wind keeps blowing garbage on our front lawn and it will sit there for weeks and we live in a very affluent neighbourhood, so it is embarrassing). Our Xmas decorations are still up, we have lived in the house for nearly a year and we don’t have a single picture on the wall or proper furniture for the rooms. The paint is chipped on some of the walls, the basement is leaking, the fireplace needs replacing, the fridge and washing machine need repairs, we’ve had to put a fence up, and none of this will get done unless I do it. I’ve finally hired someone to put some patio stones out the back door so we can use the back yard. I even had to hire someone to help me put together a used Step 2 climber I got for the boys as my husband refused to help. I had to organize the garage by myself so I could fit a car in.

I have no family or friends nearby that can help out, and I’ve outsourced everything I can, (snow removal, lawn cutting, cleaning lady, etc.) and I’ve resorted to using a grocery delivery service and feeding the kids takeout out more than I want to. I’ve even hired a lady to come in on Saturdays to do the kids laundry. But I’m just at my wits end. I just am so totally burnt out, but I don’t know what to give up on. The thought of trying to find a new job (that is less stressful) is so overwhelming I just can’t even bring myself to send my resume out. I think I want to leave my husband, but the thought of being a single mom is also overwhelming (though probably not much different than how things are now). I am terrified of how that will impact my kids and I feel so guilty that I haven’t been able to save my marriage to give them an in-tact family, (I come from a broken home and wanted more than anything for that not to happen to my kids). And I feel like a horrible mom, my kids don’t listen to me, I’m so impatient with them lately.

My job is suffering – I’m so burnt out, and I feel like I walk around in a fog, but my boss has no patience for anything but perfection, she has no concept of (or interest in hearing about) how much work is on my plate and has told me I’d better pick things up. I took 3 sick days all of last year (for bronchitis and strep throat) and she told me that was excessive and that my job was in jeopardy. The problem is that I’m really well paid for this area and would have to get in to a 2-hour commute to the city to make this kind of pay elsewhere, (which would make it impossible to have two young kids in school). I’ve tried looking for a nanny but cannot find one that drives (to get the kids from school). But I feel so trapped because I have this huge mortgage so I can't just change jobs without making sure I earn enough money.

And I know it sounds bad, but all of my friends from high school have husbands who earn good money, and they are all stay at home moms, and I feel so jealous that I'm trapped in this horrible job. I dream of staying home with my kids sometimes. (My husband's income alone would put us below the poverty line so staying home is not an option).

I know it probably sounds silly, but I turned 40 not too long ago and I am really hurt that my husband literally didn’t do anything – didn’t even get me a cake to sing happy birthday with my kids (after I made him a home-made birthday cake, took him out for dinner and surprised him and sent him on a $1000 “trip of a lifetime” with his family/friends), and my mom didn’t even acknowledge my 40th either – she didn’t even phone me on my birthday. For some reason, that still really hurts.

I just feel so alone. I'm at the point where I cry almost daily, (sometimes in the bathroom at work even). I feel like I’m failing miserably at being a good mom, at my job, at my marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know whether to give up on my job, my marriage or sell the house…

Well, that’s my vent. Just needed to get it all out. I just feel so “done” with all of this. Something has to give. I know I should feel so lucky for so many of the great things I have in my life, and that people deal with things a lot worse than this, but it just seems so hard still. (Then I feel guilty for feeling that way).

*sigh*

[Shiloh]

sounds like it might be more cost effective to outsource the husband and replace him with a nanny (he'll have to pay child support

You're in Toronto, ever thought about a supplementary aupair?
I often get girls from Quebec especially in summer, they usually have a liscence and the fees are so reasonable (30 hours, $100 a week live in no tax deduction)

[GuildJenn]

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure I have much practical advice except that you need a break. Can you take a day away on a weekend and just let your DH fend for himself with the kids? Obviously he needs to step up. Do you think there's any hope there?

If coffee and a should would help, let me know! I'm in Scarborough and work in North York.

[Shiloh]

I'll come too, I live in N.York.

[minkleaf]

Oh I feel for you. Like Shiloh suggested, I'd like to outsource my DH. He's been unemployed for almost 3 years now, won't look for a job, just plays computer games all day. I am a sahm, unfortunately/luckily my parents both died in 2008 and we're living off my inheritance/ the kids college fund until I can complete grad school, get a good job, find a good lawyer and kick him out. I can't imagine having to work now like you do too.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You're not being silly. 40 is a big one and everyone was a complete jerk to not acknowledge it.

[calpurnia]

no advice, just hugs. Wish I could take you out for a coffee too (actually a cocktail might be better)

[daisymama12]

Cry away, monkeybum...

& Happy 40th Birthday!!!!

Something's got to give, that is not sustainable. Are you in marriage counseling? Maybe that could help you decide if you want to stay or leave the marriage. A supportive & helpful partner would make a huge difference to you situation.

Hugs to you!

[Jend1002]

I read your post and just wanted to say that I am sorry things are so incredibly difficult for you. It sounds like you are doing absolutely everything that you can at all times which sounds like the opposite of a failure to me. I wish I could give you a break!

[mommyabroad]

It sounds like you are single parenting already -- you need support and care too. That sounds like way to much to shoulder alone. Would you consider selling the house/cars and cutting your expenses so that you have the emotional and finanical freedom to make changes that would lessen your stress and pressure and help you feel more empowered? Stuff is stuff. Sanity and a supportive partnership are priceless! 40 is a milestone birthday in my opinion -- happy birthday to you!!!

[texmati]

Pp's have great advice-- perhaps putting the house on the market would help. I hope you feel better.

[MissLotus]

I'm not normally on this board but saw it in New Posts -

I hope you will give yourself some belated birthday treats - pick up a cake for yourself and your kids and have an impromptu party! It isn't too late, and you deserve it.

And you need to shed the thinking that if you get divorced your kids will come from a broken home. It's "broken" now. Having a father that won't spend time with them (they have to go to daycare - and you have to pay for that - even though he's home?!) - he won't "let" you out of the house for more than a few minutes because he's terrified of being alone with his own kids? I'm sure they can sense this, or will soon. As well as the fact that he's being a really poor role model. That's what's broken. Not you and not your kids. If life without him in the home would mean more sanity and calm for you, one less person to support - then consider it wisdom, not failure. I think all of the other things would become more bearable without his dead weight. I fail to see what he's contributing in any way. And if he DOES actually care about the kids somehow, then divorce would not change that. There are lots of kids with divorced parents who do see their fathers often and have loving relationships with them.

Financially, I know this is not a good time to be selling a house, but down-sizing is always an option.

You sound like a very hard worker, so you already know that things will not change unless you actively change them.

[*MamaJen*]

Oh, mama, my heart goes out to you.
Sometimes I feel like the angel of divorce on this board, but all I can say is that I was in a relationship that sounds a little like what you're describing, where I was the beadwinner and did everything domestic/childcare related while he freeloaded. He did work, but never "was able" to pitch in financially, and he generated way more work for me than he put in. I got almost nothing from him emotionally and utterly nothing from him intellectually. He was a dead weight. I wasn't happy.
I was super stressed and resentful, and finally broke up with him. OMG, life is sooooo much better now. The funny thing is that I felt more like a single mom back then than I do now that I'm actually a single mom. He takes the kid a day or two a week, and I have actual free time. And since his time with DS is more limited, he's actually really good and interactive when he has him. Before, he would just sit watching TV while DS played around him; now they go to the park and do lots of stuff together. He doesn't pay child support (now), but I'm not buying his groceries, "loaning" (aka giving) him money, and the utility bills have literally been cut in half because I'm way more careful about them than he was.
Sure, obviously our guys are depressed, but at some point you have to put on your own gas mask and take the parachute. They're not doing anything to help themselves, they refuse to get help or counseling or medication. So why should we kill ourselves trying to fix them? Really, we're just enabling them. What's keeping you in the relationship, besides guilt? Does he contribute anything positive to your life? I recommend checking out books like "Codependent No More."
How much work does your house need before it can go on the market? Even if you take a hit on your equity, you might be a lot happier in a smaller, more affordable place.

[Shiloh]

Actually in Toronto its a great time to sell a house!
It's the height of the market and interest rates will rise soon with the dollar being so high and inflation rising, if interest rates go up there will be less movement and lower house prices.

I offer this suggestion for a few reasons.
The house is too big for you to manage alone. (physically and financially - if you were single the husband would provide minimal child support and take part of the house's equity) Also it gives you some time to shelter some of that money creatively...

You need to drive to the kids school and daycare, and work?
You might have a divorce in the future, it sounds like he is not emmotionally invested in the marriage or possibly depressed....
why not make sure the finances are easy, pay off any debts, sell the extra car in advance...(seriously sell his car, he obviously has the time to bike or take ttc to work...)

Downsizing to a smaller place like a freehold townhouse within subway or walking distance to work? It gives you options.

Making lunches? Our school has a 4-5 dollar a day lunch programme supplied by a private service including hot lunches.
Keep the job, you don't have the ability to make a great impression and learn a new company you sound exhausted. Go

see a financial advisor about the possiblities for your life going forward. Go see a lawyer privately about a divorce, if your job is so hectic you don't want him saying he'd be the better custodial parent.

[Ellien C]

You may cry on my shoulder. I'm dealing with very similar OCD (hoarding) and anxiety issues. I too, turned 40 and although he planned to do something, the babysitter got sick and he NEVER rescheduled anything. I gave both of us a whole spa day for his milestone birthday a few months before mine! I also just gave birth and was dealing with pregnancy hormones for awhile. My husband does a bit more than yours and can handle our 7 yo on his own. But I hear you on the disaster of a house and the Christmas decorations still up and the garbage on the lawn and the feeling like you are the house on the block that brings everyone else's property values down. I'm not going to give you any advice on what to do, but I want you to know I totally hear you.

There is a parents as partners forum where I posted my story when I got to the breaking point. He would NOT shovel the damn snow and I was 8 months pregnant and acted like it was unreasonable that I wanted it done. And I couldn't find anyone to do it.

I'm really sorry you are going through this and I do understand, somewhat.

[blizzard_babe]

Happy birthday! (MDC doesn't have a birthday smiley???)

As for the rest... I don't know what to say except cry on. It sounds like you have a hideous heaping crapload of stuff on your plate.

I'd be seriously looking into selling the big house and buying something you can (a) afford on a less-stressful job's salary, and (b) maintain on your own, since that's basically what you're doing right now. It might take a while to sell, but knowing it's in the works might help, psychologically.

[meandmine]

Awe ... hugs!

Your feelings are so valid. Walked a similar path with my stbx.

I am not full of solutions, but echo some of which has been said:

1. Outsource husband and take the child support
2. Downsize house
3. Once the above are done ... you will have renewed energy to look for a gentler job. Your boss sounds unreasonable.


Of course, it isn't at ALL easy.

We are here for you in digital spirit. Keep coming here for support.

M

[thriftyqueen]

You DH is taking advantage of you and he needs a reality check. You should not have to carry the weight of it all on your shoulders when he should be able to carry equal amount of the burden. Follow your gut and your heart. Trust yourself and do what is right for you. You have spent enough time taking care of everyone but yourself and it is time to do what is right for you.

[Peepsqueak]

It sounds like you and I are married to the same hubby and working for the same UA violation of a boss.

With all that said, I can totally identify with the dilemnas you have. First off I would definately, try to get some kind of help for the husband or start him off asking small favors and tasks to help you. He probably feels helpless being depressed and all. However, it is still a responsibility to help out because something could happen to you too with all the reponsibility on you.

I would try to get assistance but I know that is easier said than done...like carpooling and exchanging pick ups with other parents,etc. Is there a relative or an inexpensive housekeeper you can ask to help you temporarily? Money is tight in my family so I really have no extra money for things like that. Also flylady.net is a good start to do little things to perk up home to keep from going nuts...

Dinners and meals should be healthy and simple and there are some great ideas out there for things are are quick and helps avoid junk food, etc. You may need to take some vitamins and supplements and take time for yourself no matter what.

I hope everything gets better for you.

[monkeybum]

Thank you SO much mammas, for the kind words and support - and birthday wishes!! *hugs*

Here's where I'm struggling:

If I sell the house, it means my boys have to move to a new school and I JUST got them settled in to their new school here (they had to move to a new school when we moved here). Unfortunately, there are no cheaper houses in this school cachement area so it would mean moving to a new school. (This is also my "dream" house that I've worked so long for, which also makes it kind of sad). My older son does not handle change or transitions well so it's been a big adjustment for him and I hate the thought of moving him again.

DH has been "diagnosed" with depression by his doctor, he has medication for it, he goes to a weekly support group and to counseling, so he is trying to get help, (maybe I'm being unfair?). I guess I just feel that even if you are depressed, it's not fair to put it all on me - we actually did a few online "tests" for depression and I scored as more depressed than him...but the world doesn't stop because I'm down, and if I don't do this stuff it won't get done and I won't do that to my kids. I also feel like my DH was really taking advantage of the situation - asking me to do every little thing, (like get him a drink of water, or get his slippers...simple stuff that he is TOTALLY capable of doing) while I'm in the middle of doing 10 other things. It was like he felt that his doctor saying he was depressed was his ticket to do nothing with zero consideration for how unfair he was treating me. He was still able to go out for a beer with his buddies or out to lunch with his brother, but couldn't get his own drink of water????

And the funny thing is, if I look back to 3 years ago, he used to do a lot with our older son (when he was smaller), and he used to do a lot more around the house and help out. It's like the older he gets, the more selfish he has become (and the lazier).

Public transit for either of us is not an option as we both work in different cities than we live, and there is no public transit near our home so we need to keep both cars unfortunately.

No hot lunch program at the school - maybe I can suggest it to them!!

Great suggestion about seeing a financial plannner and lawyer! I do want to start to make some plans as I really can't see myself with this person for another 30-40 years, and I'm so much happier when he's not here. But Doh! I don't know why it never occured to me to see a counselor with DH - maybe it would help. A bit of a lightbulb went off when I read that, so thank you.

I did give DH a bit of an ultimatum 2 weeks ago after I got to my breaking point and just said "enough". I told him that if he was not going to be a contributing member of this household then I didn't want him living in this house. I asked him to go and live with his mom and to only come back when he was ready to be a contributor to the house, a participant in his children's lives and to be a partner in our marriage. He was gone for 3 days and came back begging me not to kick him out, he started really trying to help out and made a real effort to ask me about my day, issues with the kids, etc. and he started reading them books and playing with them. Unfortunately, it lasted about 48 hours and he slipped back to his old ways. It was upsetting and confusing for the kids, and an emotional rollercoaster for me. Since then, he'll do bits and spurts, but for the most part is still not a real part of this family.

The hard part is that I do think I could manage the stress at work if things at home weren't so messed up. You are right too Shiloh, I don't have the ability to make a great impression and learn a new company - I can't imagine trying to start a new job right now. That is the hard part - I do believe that a different job would help with my stress levels, but I can't even imagine being able to go to interviews or do well in a new job.

I do find that the hardest time is when I'm at work. My boss is so totally unreasonable and it is so extremely stressful, and I know I have a zillion things I need to do at home too. It's usually by the end of the work day that I'm feeling so overwhelmed, I actually feel ok when I'm at home. (I decided not to bring any work home this week to take a mental break).

Another indicator on which "direction" I need to go for this next phase in my life...I saw a job posting near my home that I thought was perfect that paid great money, and I gave DH the ultimatum (and had come to terms with the fact that he may not come home) and I felt so happy and relieved and just really ok with what I thought was coming next (single mom, new job). Unfortunately I'd read the job posting wrong and it was not the job I thought (not a job I'm qualified for) and then DH came home and wanted so badly to try, so I kind of fell back in to the stress of where I am today...

Anyway, enough of my rant. I LOVE the idea of an impromptu birthday party with the kids. Tee hee!

You guys are truly the best, and I really so very much appreciate the time everyone took to reply.

[c'est moi]

i just want to add another i'm sorry and extend my virtual shoulder to cry on. i don't know how you're managing all of this. i hope things get better for you soon!