Can I Cry On Your Shoulder? - Page 2

[texmati]

just an idea that I'm considering myself.-- can you put out feelers for an inter-office change of job? Basically another job at a the same company? talk to your bosses boss, or even HR, and see if there are openings, where you won't have to deal with your unreasonable boss. At my company different groups have different 'cultures' (highly dependent on the manager).

[Freedom~Mama]

Wow Mama no wonder you are stressed. All of that is enough to make anyone feel mentally and physically exhausted. It sounds to me like your DH needs to man up and start taking on a lot more responsibility to help you out.

[greenmom4]

I'm sorry if I missed this, but can your h work full time? My h and I were in a somewhat similar situation not too long ago, and he is infinitely more happy working; he's really social and needs that adult interaction. Before he found a "real" job, he got a paper route and that kept him busy for a bit and it was a little extra $ coming in. Plus, it's easier to keep the house manageable when we're all out and about during the day and we value our time together that much more.

Do you still love him? If so, I would try hard to work it out, and I think counseling is a great idea. If not, well, you have a LOT of stuff going on right now, and if it were me, I wouldn't have the patience to put up with him. I'd probably separate (in fact, my h had that ultimatum at one point) and not give him the option of coming back when he was ready. Let him back when/if YOU are ready.

((hugs)) mama.

[rivkah]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

T
I did give DH a bit of an ultimatum 2 weeks ago after I got to my breaking point and just said "enough". I told him that if he was not going to be a contributing member of this household then I didn't want him living in this house. I asked him to go and live with his mom and to only come back when he was ready to be a contributor to the house, a participant in his children's lives and to be a partner in our marriage. He was gone for 3 days and came back begging me not to kick him out, he started really trying to help out and made a real effort to ask me about my day, issues with the kids, etc. and he started reading them books and playing with them. Unfortunately, it lasted about 48 hours and he slipped back to his old ways. It was upsetting and confusing for the kids, and an emotional rollercoaster for me. Since then, he'll do bits and spurts, but for the most part is still not a real part of this family.

Just another voice saying don't put up with it. You warned him. He is an adult. Depression can be debilitating, but if you love your family, you take their needs into account. If counseling and depression meds don't help--then go live with your mom and let everyone be free.

[Shiloh]

"If I sell the house, it means my boys have to move to a new school and I JUST got them settled in to their new school here (they had to move to a new school when we moved here)."
You could always rent a house, in my hood a house goes for 800k but you can rent one for 1600-2000. Or what about rearranging your house to rent the basement to a tenant (or an exhusband

about the dream house, dreams change.

"DH has been "diagnosed" with depression by his doctor, he has medication for it, he goes to a weekly support group and to counseling, so he is trying to get help, (maybe I'm being unfair?). "
what about looking into some residential treatment for him...a month away to get really back to normal, the traditional OHIP paid vacation.Also has he had a physical, depression can be a symptom of a physical issue like heart disease etc.
Sounds like he's using depression to gain control, you are right sounds not much like depression.

"No hot lunch program at the school - maybe I can suggest it to them!!"
Mine isn't run by school its a private company, there has to be service in your area, ask the principal.

What about having dh move in with his mom and only come over when he has the energy to be positive?

Also you are burning out, please put on your own oxygen mask or you will not be of use to anyone to help them put on theirs

"I do find that the hardest time is when I'm at work. My boss is so totally unreasonable and it is so extremely stressful"
Easy get your boss recruited out, look for their cv, profile on linked in, shop it to headhunters Then take over her job, boss issue solved

"Unfortunately I'd read the job posting wrong and it was not the job I thought (not a job I'm qualified for) " APPLY ANYHOW.
the worst thing that happens is they don't call you back and most of us are more qualified than our resume suggests!

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

sounds like it might be more cost effective to outsource the husband and replace him with a nanny (he'll have to pay child support

I know it's easier said than done, but I agree.

Originally Posted by MissLotus

I hope you will give yourself some belated birthday treats - pick up a cake for yourself and your kids and have an impromptu party! It isn't too late, and you deserve it.

And you need to shed the thinking that if you get divorced your kids will come from a broken home. It's "broken" now. Having a father that won't spend time with them (they have to go to daycare - and you have to pay for that - even though he's home?!) - he won't "let" you out of the house for more than a few minutes because he's terrified of being alone with his own kids? I'm sure they can sense this, or will soon. As well as the fact that he's being a really poor role model. That's what's broken. Not you and not your kids. If life without him in the home would mean more sanity and calm for you, one less person to support - then consider it wisdom, not failure. I think all of the other things would become more bearable without his dead weight. I fail to see what he's contributing in any way. And if he DOES actually care about the kids somehow, then divorce would not change that. There are lots of kids with divorced parents who do see their fathers often and have loving relationships with them.


You sound like a very hard worker, so you already know that things will not change unless you actively change them.

Yep to all this. I come from a family where my father contributed very very little emotionally. In fact, he was a huge ole negative emotionally. Our home was broken in every way except that my parents weren't actually divorced. I'm not sure what the right path for you or your family is, but I definitely think that Miss Lotus makes a great point.



I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope you can find your way clear.

[BakerALM]

s

Sounds like everything has come to a head all at once. A turning point in your life. The linking pin also sounds like the relationship you have between you and your husband. That can cure or cause all the other things in your life. I would focus there, marriage therapy and individual counseling for both of you. Tell him this is the end of the road, things need to change, he needs to treat you like an equal and step up to the plate. You just cant take it anymore. that is the truth. Give him and yourself time, it will take many many months to make change but all you really need to see is commitment and caring toward you and forward motion toward emotional wellness. Taking drugs alone for depression is really just a bandaid in most cases. If your family and each member's well being is not a priority and he is not willing to make it so then he is just dead weight and your kids in the long run will suffer. They need to see healthy interpersonal relationships so that they can learn to treat others with respect and care. If all they see is your husband treating you like the maid then that is how they will learn marriage is suppose to be. Not a good lesson, one that will lead them into trouble in their future relationships.

Hugs take care!

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

I did give DH a bit of an ultimatum 2 weeks ago after I got to my breaking point and just said "enough". I told him that if he was not going to be a contributing member of this household then I didn't want him living in this house. I asked him to go and live with his mom and to only come back when he was ready to be a contributor to the house, a participant in his children's lives and to be a partner in our marriage. He was gone for 3 days and came back begging me not to kick him out, he started really trying to help out and made a real effort to ask me about my day, issues with the kids, etc. and he started reading them books and playing with them. Unfortunately, it lasted about 48 hours and he slipped back to his old ways. It was upsetting and confusing for the kids, and an emotional rollercoaster for me. Since then, he'll do bits and spurts, but for the most part is still not a real part of this family.

you did it before, and you can do it again. the only difference this time is that you won't be tricked into letting him come home when he hasn't changed. words don't count. actions do. he can begin contributing financially and engaging with the kids and treating you with care and respect, from his mother's house or wherever he is staying - before he comes home, if you decide to let him come back at all.

or don't give him an ultimatum again. it would be okay to say, "i gave you a chance and you blew it. get out." when you really picture what your life could be like without him, it's better than it is right now, right? it has to be.

[Liss86]

MonkeyBum, I think you sound like a great mom! Happy Belated Birthday! I want to share something with you about "in-tact" families. I to come from a "broken-home" but I think that once our home was broken it actually became fixed. When my mom married my stepdad exemplified aspects of marriage I hadn't known before(i.e. affection. I never saw my mom and dad kiss but my stepdad doesn't even put his briefcase down before walking straight to my mom and kissing her hello) My mom was in a very similar situation as you and I must say a happy, whole Mom= happy, whole kids and an unhappy, unsupported, un-in-tact mom= unhappy children/family. I am not advocating staying or leaving but whatever you decide while deciding, don't worry about "shoulds" or "Shouldnt's" trust your instincts no matter what they are. Only you know what is the best thing for you to do. Good luck! We've got your back mama!

[A&A]

maybe this would let you keep the house and be less stressed after a divorce:

www.coabode.com