should I stick to my guns?

[nj's_mom]

My mother usually watched my 19mo DD for me when I leave for class Monday nights until DH gets home. This is from around 5 to around 6:30 or so. She is just getting home from work and has two kids of her own- 9yo girl and 13yo boy. Rules are very loose at her house and there are several game consoles with shooting/killing/war games, which I request remain off while she's around. I get some flak but generally they listen. DD doesn't watch TV at all except for some emergency Caillou or Milo and Otis/Black Beauty now and again. Because, of course, she's a TODDLER.

Anyways, DH came home to find DD wandering around in the TV room while South Park was blaring. My mother was in the vicinity, close enough to hear/know what was going on, either wasn't tuned in to it or didn't care. He was upset. Called me while I was at school.

When I got home later I told my mother calmly what DH had said and she FLIPPED. Said that it was "none of my business," I shouldn't be telling HER what to do in HER house, and her kids could watch what they wanted. When I tried to explain why it concerned me and that I thought it was reasonable to set limits on these kinds of things, she got even more upset and told me to "just shut up" and basically ran away and refused to go any further.

I am like, what the heck?! Back me up, mommas- am I being unreasonable, orr?

[Maluhia]

I think if you are using her free babysitting, at a busy family time like dinner prep, then you choose to put up with the "norm" in her home. If you don't like what her kids watch on TV, then you find other arragements.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Maluhia

I think if you are using her free babysitting, at a busy family time like dinner prep, then you choose to put up with the "norm" in her home. If you don't like what her kids watch on TV, then you find other arragements.

I agree.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Unless you are paying for babysitting, I think you don't have the right to insist on these things, unfortunately. It would be nice if she was more concerned about your child's exposure, but she isn't... and that's that.

[CarrieMF]

I agree with the pp. Even if you were paying for it, it is still her house. If it was someone else watching them in their home & they allowed shows you didn't approve of you'd either deal with it or find someone else.

[limabean]

I'm sorry she spoke to you so harshly, I'm sure that was upsetting.

That said, I agree that as frustrating as it is, your only options are to put up with the way things are or make other childcare arrangements. This stuff always gets sticky when family is involved.

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

While I agree with the PP, 9 & 13 yo have no business watching South Park. So that's where I would be upset - that my siblings, and by extension, my child, were being exposed to that. I would wonder if the OP's mother has really sat down and watched an episode of South Park, or does she think cartoon = appropriate for kids?

[One_Girl]

I agree with the PP's. I am sorry that she was so harsh with you, she may have been feeling extra sensitive because she is also a busy mother with a lot on her plate. I can see how it would be hard for her to hear criticism from her daughter about how she is raising her children especially when she is adding free childcare to her already busy life. I don't think you should assume that you have any say over what your mom allows your siblings to watch in their home. Hopefully you are close enough with her that you can work this out. I know that my mom and I sometimes snap at each other like this, but we are usually able to come to a compromise that works for us once we calm down and talk. Perhaps she would agree to have the kids watch tv in a backroom while your dd is there.

[Cascadian]

Yeah, sorry, but I also agree with the OPs. Your mother is doing you a favour. She also works a long day and comes home to care for her other children. 19 mos old toddlers aren't exactly 'self-contained' when it comes to care. If it really bothered you that much, find someone else. Your mom was wrong to yell, of course, but she is justified in her feelings. You kinda come off a bit entitled in your post.

Also, IMO, at 19 mos, your toddler may not be picking up on a whole heck of a lot wrt South Park. It's probably a bunch of bright colours and sounds and mouths going 'Mwah mwah mwah mwah' a la Peanuts...

[lilmom]

I do not think it is unreasonable to ask that your child not be exposed to South Park. Personally I think your mother is remiss in allowing her kids to watch it.

*However* it sounds like she is absolutely not going to change her ways and since you are not paying her, it is time to find new childcare.

I am so sorry this happened. I would be so upset. Time for a new babysitter.

[Drummer's Wife]

I agree with everyone else. I don't think such a brief exposure to southpark as a toddler (really, was she even paying attention?) is going to harm her for life. No, it's not appropriate, but unless you had a paid sitter in your own home, I really don't think it's something to freak out about.

I would either let it go, or make other arrangements.

[CarrieMF]

9 & 13 yo have no business watching South Park. So that's where I would be upset - that my siblings, and by extension, my child, were being exposed to that. I would wonder if the OP's mother has really sat down and watched an episode of South Park, or does she think cartoon = appropriate for kids?

her mother may see nothing wrong with her kids watching shows like that. What the 9yo & 13yo watch is not part of the issue here.

[Learning_Mum]

I've got to agree with everyone else here. She's doing you a favour. If you don't like how she cares for your DD it is probably time to find a new babysitter.

I also gotta say that at 19 months she probably wasn't even paying attention to the telly. Your DH said she was 'wandering around'. It was probably just background noise to her.

[meemee]

i think she does her best to fit your needs in.

which i am sure adds a lot to whats already on her plate. i am sure her kids want to watch tv when they come home but cant because your toddler is there.

perhaps today your mom had an extra hard day and she was doing all to just keep it going. and she probably was so busy didnt even notice 'what' was on tv.

yes i would be concerned if she did it every time. but one day? no. i would assume something was up.

i wonder if she feels she has taken on too much over watching her gdd and doesnt know how to say she is overwhelmed and would like to change things. or she was just having a bad day.

this is all magnified if she is a single mom.

and i agree. even if seh watched south park and repeated some of the words its a phase - short time thing. it is not a big deal.

[nj's_mom]

maybe I need to add a little backround here.

this is not "free" childcare- in exchange for her watching DD for me twice a week for about four hours, I watch her two children both in the A.M.s and the P.M.s until she gets home from work, getting them on and off the bus, making them dinner, etc. which is no big deal, but this is not a case of mother with no help with a toddler added to her plate.

last night she WAS tired and I understood that, if there was a decent show on in the backround- something not completely kid-friendly not not harmful- I wouldn't have minded.

but this is South Park- really mommas, you wouldn't mind if this was on in the backround?! well, I definitely do. this was also uncensored south park, with swearing and the whole nine yards. not to mention scenes of gorey bloody violence, which I can assure you DD can and does get sucked into and notices- she also tends to mimick what she sees figures doing on television. so there is cause for concern there.

not to mention- uncensored South Park should not be on at seven thirty for a nine year old little girl and a 13 year old ! but that wasn't my issue. it's NOT my place to tell her how to raise her kids. she doesn't HAVE to watch DD- she offered and I would always rather have DD with family than someone unrelated.

put it this way- when I watch her kids, because I think childcare means caring for that child/those children, I moniter what programs are on and would never allow such an awful show to be on. I mean, it's horrible. and yes, she has watched it.

but bottom line- I agree, it's time to find new childcare. it's not DD's fault that my mother thinks that kind of show is fine, and I think anyone who tells me that what my kid is exposed to is "none of my business" ... I love my mother, and am SO thankful for her help, but it just is no good.

[nj's_mom]

[QUOTE=meemee;15215105]

and i agree. even if seh watched south park and repeated some of the words its a phase - short time thing. it is not a big deal.[/QUOTE]

I disagree. A lot of people out there use this to justify letting their kids watch a ton of crappy television. It's not a big deal- it's just T.V.- whatever. I completely disagree. What kids watch on television and movies - and depending on how much they watch - plays a big part in what they see as "normal". And south park is not, should not be, normal. I think any amout of that show is too much- especially for a toddler. With an older child (I mean like 15, 16) who can understand the dark humor and where it comes from and the satire and have discussions about how insane it is- maybe I'd consider watching it WITH them. It would depend on the child and how much they wanted to watch it, and why.

But at this point- it is so unneccessary.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by FiveLittleMonkeys

While I agree with the PP, 9 & 13 yo have no business watching South Park. So that's where I would be upset - that my siblings, and by extension, my child, were being exposed to that. I would wonder if the OP's mother has really sat down and watched an episode of South Park, or does she think cartoon = appropriate for kids?

Uh yeah, South Park is over the top. Definitely not cool for young (or a bit older) kids. I mean - has your mom ever actually watched that show???

If it was just that the TV was on when your dd was there I would agree that since she's providing free babysitting for you you need to let her set the rules for her house. But... maybe you could show her an episode of SP so she can see why you were so upset. Could you reach a compromise - maybe even talk to your brother and sister about it? Explain where you're coming from. Perhaps you could reach an agreement that they can watch shows in the evening (if your mom says it's ok), but while your dd is there they keep it to stuff that would be ok for her to watch (maybe science or nature shows or sports or something that might interest the older kids but not be inappropriate for your dd).

ETA - nj's mom - just read your latest posts, and wanted to say that yes, it would be a very big deal to me if either of my kids saw South Park, and even if it was "just" playing in the background. That show is super-graphic, and while I sometimes enjoy it, there's absolutely no way I'd be cool with my kids seeing it until they're much much older.

I guess, now that I know the whole situation, I would still say that "her house her rules" even though it's not free babysitting. But "her house her rules" only goes so far. I'm really surprised that she wasn't upset about her own kids watching that show, let alone your dd. Sounds like your plan to find a new childcare situation is a good one if you can't reach an agreement with your mom.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by nj's_mom

last night she WAS tired and I understood that, if there was a decent show on in the backround- something not completely kid-friendly not not harmful- I wouldn't have minded.

but this is South Park- really mommas, you wouldn't mind if this was on in the backround?! well, I definitely do. this was also uncensored south park, with swearing and the whole nine yards. not to mention scenes of gorey bloody violence, which I can assure you DD can and does get sucked into and notices- she also tends to mimick what she sees figures doing on television. so there is cause for concern there.

I don't think South Park is appropriate for children, but then, I don't think it's all that appropriate for adults either. I would mind a lot if it was on. I think you are entitled to talk about your opinion of the show - politely and calmly - with your mother. You can explain your objections and your concern about its influence on children. You might want to pick a less stressful time to have that conversation.

If she decides to allow it, though, I don't think you can insist on what happens in her home.

Has she ever expressed a wish that you do things a certain way in your home, because that's how she'd like things done for her children when you watch them? Hopefully, you are more receptive to her concerns than she has been to yours on this issue.

It sounds like you've decided that finding new childcare is the best solution. If this is the only issue, though, is it really impossible to have a good talk about your mutual concerns - your problem with the show and her problem with you dictating what happens in her home? In any care situation - with family or not - problems are going to arise and you'll need to figure out how to resolve them. You'll have to compromise once in a while. If you can't talk about it with your mother, then it probably is best that you find some other care situation.

If you decide to find new childcare, learn from this lesson. Talk to your new caregiver about how everyone will deal with problems when they arise - and how to reach a mutually satisfactory solution.

[laohaire]

I don't think this is something to compromise over. Folks seem to be thinking "oh, she's too little to understand" or "once won't hurt her." What makes you think South Park won't be on every Monday night for the next 8 years?

I do think it's entirely reasonable to ask that the program be off when your kid is around. I mean, are you seriously saying that if Mom put porn on or some graphically violent video, that you'd still be saying "well, it's her house"? Yes, the OP has every right to ask for it to be off.

Now I do agree that ultimately the OP can't MAKE her mom do this, and if her mom doesn't care enough about it then she needs to find other child care. That's reality. It doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to ask that graphic tv shows be turned off when her toddler is around.

Step-SIL is very strict about what her 7 year old can watch. She has given MIL a list of acceptable shows/channels. MIL seems to (lightly, she doesn't go on about it) think it's a bit strict, but damn straight she follows it.

[Catherine12]

I don't think it's out of bounds to ask that if there is TV-watching while your dd is there, it be something more appropriate. There are plenty of TV choices that would appeal to a 9 and 13 yo that aren't full of violence and swearing.

I'm sorry she overreacted. She was probably just feeling stressed - I would give her a chance to calm down and talk to her before you consider switching child-care arrangements.