embarassed to supplement in public

[whoabethy]

Hi there,
DD is 4mos. After she was born, I never got engorged, and after meeting with a LC and a lactation physician I was diagnosed with "insufficient glandular tissue". I take fenugreek, blessed thistle, and domeperidone. I pump after every feeding. Despite all this, I still only make 8-10oz. a day. We have gotten some milk from MilkShare and we supplement with that and with formula. We use an SNS.

I know "breast is best" but I have no choice. I haven't given up on BFing. How can I get over my embarassment about supplementing in public? My fear of being judged by nursing moms is keeping me at home, inside. I HATE giving DD a bottle in public because I know what people are thinking about me. BFing has been the most difficult thing I've ever done - I work hard constantly. It's a constant obsession. But, people don't see know that just by looking at me.

Any advice?

[tinybutterfly]

Go out, feed your baby the way you need to feed your baby and if people are judging you that is THEIR problem. They have no right to judge you. They are making assumptions that are wrong. They have no idea what your circumstances are.

I am so sorry you have had so much trouble bf and I am so sorry others are making it worse for you by being judgemental if they see you feeding with a bottle.

No matter where you go and no matter what the "issue" is ( religion, diet, grooming, discipline, politics, yard care, personal finances, education, etc.) there will be a group of people who are judgemental. This is just how it is.

Be strong. YOU know what you have been through. YOU know everthing you are doing for your baby. That will have to be enough. As long as you know you are doing your best, what they think doesn't matter, so ignore the looks, the whispers and the mean looks. They are not being helpful, kind or compassionate. Ignore them.

You shouldn't have be stuck inside. Go out, have fun and enjoy your baby!

You are a good mama and you love your little one.

[tinybutterfly]

I am going to move this to Breastfeeding Challenges.

[dachshundqueen]

Feed that baby! You are an amazing mother who has gone above and beyond what many would do to ensure access to breast milk. Supplementing in a medically necessary situation should never be a cause for guilt. Should anyone have the complete lack of social skills to call you on it, go into a diatribe on all you've done. I have a feeling they will never do it again and apologize profusely. You're doing a fabulous job and I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly.

Liz

[LaLaLaLa]

Originally Posted by whoabethy

I HATE giving DD a bottle in public because I know what people are thinking about me.

I hope I can say this in a nonoffensive way.....

Being on MDC so much sometimes gives me a bit of a skewed idea of what is out there in the real world. There are some very dedicated, very vocal people here who would make you think that EVERYONE with a brain thinks that bottle feeding is just AWFUL. When you spend enough time here, you might start to internalize that.

Then you go out into the real world. A huge, giant, overwhelming percentage of people I see out with babies are feeding with bottles. I've never, ever, ever seen anyone get confrontational with any one of them. I've never, ever seen a dirty look, a whispered comment, or any other sort of judgment. (To be fair and equal, I've never seen any judgment or confrontation for the rare nursing moms, either.) And I look for these things, too. I always check out babies and their moms.

When you go out of your house, you are entering (as they say) the mainstream world. Where babies often get bottles and nobody thinks twice about it.

I'm sorry that you've had such trouble breastfeeding. It's a terrible feeling and when you are in a community like MDC, the terrible feeling of not being able to breastfeed is compounded with guilt and embarrassment. Try to let go of that. You know you. You know all that you've done for your baby. You know how willing you've been to try everything, and you know that you are a fantastic and thoughtful mother. NOBODY has the right to see you and judge you without even getting to know you. Go out, feed your baby the best way you can. Serenely, without expecting or imagining attack from other moms. It is likely no attacks will come.

[boheime]

I use Lact-Aids (which I recommend over an SNS, btw). Go out and nurse! It might actually help to NIP with some other breastfeeding moms first, if you are uncomfortable.

[dentmom]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

I hope I can say this in a nonoffensive way.....

Being on MDC so much sometimes gives me a bit of a skewed idea of what is out there in the real world. There are some very dedicated, very vocal people here who would make you think that EVERYONE with a brain thinks that bottle feeding is just AWFUL. When you spend enough time here, you might start to internalize that.

Then you go out into the real world. A huge, giant, overwhelming percentage of people I see out with babies are feeding with bottles. I've never, ever, ever seen anyone get confrontational with any one of them. I've never, ever seen a dirty look, a whispered comment, or any other sort of judgment. (To be fair and equal, I've never seen any judgment or confrontation for the rare nursing moms, either.) And I look for these things, too. I always check out babies and their moms.

When you go out of your house, you are entering (as they say) the mainstream world. Where babies often get bottles and nobody thinks twice about it.

I'm sorry that you've had such trouble breastfeeding. It's a terrible feeling and when you are in a community like MDC, the terrible feeling of not being able to breastfeed is compounded with guilt and embarrassment. Try to let go of that. You know you. You know all that you've done for your baby. You know how willing you've been to try everything, and you know that you are a fantastic and thoughtful mother. NOBODY has the right to see you and judge you without even getting to know you. Go out, feed your baby the best way you can. Serenely, without expecting or imagining attack from other moms. It is likely no attacks will come.

This is a GREAT post! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your commitment to your baby is amazing!

[odoole]

Originally Posted by whoabethy

I know "breast is best" but I have no choice. I haven't given up on BFing. How can I get over my embarassment about supplementing in public? My fear of being judged by nursing moms is keeping me at home, inside. I HATE giving DD a bottle in public because I know what people are thinking about me. BFing has been the most difficult thing I've ever done - I work hard constantly. It's a constant obsession. But, people don't see know that just by looking at me.

The thing is, you DON'T know what people are thinking about you. I don't know what they're thinking about you either, but I strongly suspect there is very little -- if any -- of the shame/judgment you are imagining.

And honestly, 4 to 5 months was around the time I stopped breastfeeding in public with my DS. He's way too distractable during the day and out of the home and it becomes a giant wrestling match. I give him a bottle of breastmilk (though for all the public knows, it could very well be formula) or juice and nurse him at home during naps and bedtime. It never occurred to me that I should be embarrassed about this, though I acknowledge that's probably because I have not had to deal with the same problems you have had.

I understand how disappointing this must be for you, but please do your best to try to let go of this obsession. You deserve to get out of the house and show your beautiful baby to the world.

[boobs4milk]

awww...hugs!!! have you thought about taking an herb that stimulates tissue growth? try www.lowmilksupply.org to find one that might help. if you pm me, i'll share with you the info in the book from that site about such herbs.

as for your feelings, just go be proud that you are really trying to do what you feel is best for your baby, even through really tough odds with the igt!

[Megan73]

You've done a GREAT job and you should be really proud of yourself.
So why not just use your SNS in public?
That said, I used a Lact Aid (which is MUCH more discreet) and no one ever noticed. I actually had one friend tell me how great it was that I didn't have to supplement anymore.
By the time my son was four months or so I had to nurse in a quiet place anyway because he was so distracted so discreet LA use became a moot point.
It's interesting because in the book Making More Milk – which I like, overall – really downplays at-the-breast supplementers, saying that most women find them cumbersome and embarrassing compared to socially-acceptable bottles.
The reality for me was the reverse. Everyone I know IRL breastfeeds (except one woman forced to EP because her babe would never latch) and I've never seen anyone whip out a bottle at baby and mom yoga or Starbucks.

[Vegan Princess]

I know how you feel. Been there, done that. I think we put more thought to it than any one else. In fact a lot of my breastfeeding friends refuse to nurse in public and only give bottles when out. No one judges them. I have to agree though - using the lactaid in public (especially under a hooter hider) is probably the way to go. I feel a little exposed trying to position the tube next to my nipple but other wise it is very discreet and I doubt anyone would notice I was using it. Or at least I hope people aren't looking that closely. Hugs to you and in time you will let it go. :-)

Cindy

[ShwarmaQueen]

Sounds like you're a great mom! I've tried to see if i could tell the difference b/w breastmilk and formula in a bottle and I can't. There's no way for anyone to know what's inside the bottle, but really you do what you gotta do regardless. Hold your head high!

[LilMomma83]

I feel the same way (I use a bottle BTW, the SNS didn't work for us for a number of reasons)...that said, I saw a mom a supplemental nurser in public and thought it was great...so few moms that have a BF difficulty still go through every avenue to make things work. In my book you ARE BF.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

I hope I can say this in a nonoffensive way.....

Being on MDC so much sometimes gives me a bit of a skewed idea of what is out there in the real world. There are some very dedicated, very vocal people here who would make you think that EVERYONE with a brain thinks that bottle feeding is just AWFUL. When you spend enough time here, you might start to internalize that.

True DAT. Sing it sister! I think the world needs all kinds of people who defy stereo types. Be very proud. I'm sorry for your troubles. Really, there's nothing wrong with formula. You gotta do what you gotta do.

[bender]

I've used an SNS in public, and people mostly don't care. The only comments I've received have been favorable, especially from older ladies who had milk supply issues and stopped nursing. They wish that something like that had been around when they had kids.

At my son's age (9 months now), I can't do the SNS in public anymore. He's too squirmy and needs quiet to focus.

It gets easier too, when the baby starts eating solids.

[starling&diesel]

Hi, Beth ... I hear you loud and clear, sister!
I never gave a bottle in public because of my own skewed guilt about it. We didn't give bottles at all, in fact. Partially due to guilt and partially due to fears of nipple confusion and all the thanks to the LA. Thank god for the Lact-Aid! It is the best thing ever! So discreet and less bulky than the SNS, which I cannot stand.
I nursed DD in public with the LA until we stopped using it at about ten months, when she could easily take a supplement in a cup (and even then, I used a stainless steel cup so no one would know she was having anything other than water in there ... OH, the power of the guilt!!! )

Here she is at about seven months, nursing with the LA. You can't even tell, except for those of us who know that the two-finger position is holding the tube in place.

ETA: The LA bag is sitting between my boobs in the 'shelf' of the built-in-bra tank under the regular tank. Great set-up! Pull the outer tank up, and let your boob out of the other, and you're covered.

I totally understand your guilt. whether it's warranted or not, it's very real and very strong.

Take care, hon!

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

Here she is at about seven months, nursing with the LA.

Thread crashing to say You Rock!

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

Here she is at about seven months, nursing with the LA. You can't even tell, except for those of us who know that the two-finger position is holding the tube in place.

[proudmomof4]

Oy, that's embarassing - I can't find the Lact-Aid! Great picture!

And to the PP: you've accomplished so much, be proud of yourself! And you never know, you might even get some kind words from a fellow BF mother... (If you showed up in my meeting I'd make sure you would!)

[averlee]

Just want to point out, no matter how you feed your baby, somebody will be horrified. There are plenty of people who think breastfeeding is downright disgusting. Diapers are a similar thing- I alternated between cloth and disposable, tried g-diapers, and did a bit of experimental EC, and there was always somebody who thought it OK to criticize each and every one of those options. Some people may judge you- either because your boobs are out, or you're supplementing, or your baby is crying, or your clothes are rumpled. They can lump it.