Tandem Nursing: A Form of Torture?

[boigrrrlwonder]

Okay ladies, I NEED HELP. I am so exhausted that I fell asleep driving the car and hit another car. It's because I'm getting maybe three hours of sleep in a 24 hr span in half an hour increments. I nurse my three year old. Fall asleep. Wake up to my crying baby, who needs to nurse for nutrition but can't get back to sleep by nursing so I sing lullabies, nurse, and bounce on the ball for a half an hour. Put the little one down. At some point, I end up with a conflict of interest between the overly tired, crying newborn and the toddler wanting milk. The toddler can't sleep if the baby is crying (we live in a small apartment, so if the baby is crying, she will hear it); if I make her wake, she's up for several hours. At the very least, I need her to be nightweaned again. I've tried forcing it, but she just cries all night and doesn't sleep. She tells me that she can't sleep without milk. I make it to maybe 4-5AM and then give her milk and she sleeps for several hours and then her behavior all day is HORRIBLE.

And the nursing situation is out of control all day. At the very least, I need her to accept that I'm not going to nurse her while I go to the bathroom, that she has to wait while I cook, that we might need to take a break so that I can potty or change the baby. But all of this stuff results in huge, hour long tantrums. I'm at the point where I threaten her to calm down, because I can't stand her trashing the place constantly, particularly since she won't let me get almost any housework done because she wants to nurse all the time. I tried restricting her nursing to four predictable times a day when I could make sure she wouldn't be interrupted, but it just led to more constant tantruming, whining, aggression towards the baby, etc..

I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I just can't even talk myself into feeling compassion towards her. I just want to get away from her. Sometimes, I think flat out cold turkey weaning would be gentler; it would suck for a while, but then maybe we could just move on with our lives? I don't know. I'd love to be able to wait until she's ready; I would love this to be a gentler process. But I CAN'T keep doing this. HELP!

[alegna]

Wow- that sounds awful, but I SO understand with the older nursling.

FIRST-most important and first- you need sleep. You need a plan to get some. Can your partner take off work for a half day a couple of times and take the kids so you can nap? Do you have any family in town? Can you hire a mother's helper or baby sitter? Do you have a mom friend who would watch your kids for a couple of hours a week?

You NEED sleep.

hope things improve soon!

-Angela

[doubledutch]

holy crap! yeah, that would definitely make me feel like, "i need to just wean NOW!" but setting firm limits on nursing can't be any harder than weaning cold-turkey, right? do you have help from a partner at night?

what if you nurse only at bedtime and waking, or bedtime and naptime, or just bedtime. i understand she will freak out, but what's happening can't continue. (that is, if you don't want to wean completely. if you do want to wean, that's okay. if you're conflicted, then i would try setting limits before weaning completely.)

can your toddler spend any time elsewhere (without you) during the day? ecfe, a class at the ymca, preschool, grandparent, friend . . . something? even if it's just an hour or two, a couple times a week, it would be a nice break for you to rest with your baby.

if that's not possible, can the three of you spend more time out of the house, so your toddler is busy while you relax, rather than you being busy while she demands to nurse? i'm thinking of the park/playground or some other setting where she will be busy playing or checking things out while you sit with baby or walk.

i'm sorry. i wish i could send you a gigantic nap.

[PGTlatte]

I am hoping/assuming that nobody was hurt in the car accident....and that must have been terrifying.

For myself, I would consider this a dangerous, emergency need-for-sleep-and-relief situation. Something has to change, so you can take care of yourself, and be there to take care of your kids, and keep all three of you safe. Nursing a 3-yo can have its joys and benefits but when it is causing such big problems, it may not be the best thing for everyone involved.

If it was me, I would probably plan a week of not having to drive anywhere, cold-turkey night wean, and choose two distinct times during the day for the 3 yo to nurse, and stick to them, and suffer through the tantrums until the new limits are adjusted to. I would do my best to offer alternative types of comforting but stick to the new limits. My logic is...if I was already suffering this much, and it was going on and on and on....I would rather bite the bullet and make a significant change that would likely improve things for me, for all of us, within a couple of weeks, than continue to suffer the current situation indefinitely.

Starting with what point you want to end up at, and how quickly, you may be able to come up with your own idea of a plan you want to follow. Do you have any help from a partner at night ? When I nightweaned DS1 he started spending the night with DH instead of me, and that helped it along.

[D_McG]

Is there something else going on with your 3 year old? What you're describing seems v. extreme? How long have you persisted with the weaning attempts? I know my son had some bad tantrums but it didn't last v. long. How is her food intake? Any sensory issues? Is she in preschool or anything?

[alegna]

Some toddlers are like that about weaning. Dd was like that at that age. If I had tried to wean her at that point it would have been similar. I know of a couple of other kids who have been that intense about nursing at that age.

I would not call it highly unusual.

-Angela