Tantrums and screaming all day long... help!

[nia82]

DS is 19 months now and has been throwing tantrums for a while now. I try time-ins, talking to him, all the strategies mentioned in the Sears books and Happiest toddler book. But nothing works!
When I say I understand that he is upset and that is okay, I'm here and love him and go on to explain why we cannot suffocate the cat, he screams, hits, scratches, bites. I am wearing 5 bandaids today alone from scratches I sustained.
He slams doors on me, throws stuff at me. I tried nursing, which ends in 30-90 minute nursing sessions, and as soon as he latches off the tantrum continues. He literally screams about 80% of the day.
I also try to offer him choices (like you want food a or b?) or ask him to help me (involving him in activities, such as can you help mama with the car seat).

I really am at my end. I don't know what to do. None of the above mentioned methods works. I very often also don't know why he has a tantrum. He gets one when I eat, he hates me eating. I barely get to eat and am down to 112 pounds at this point (I'm 5 6 tall). It's killing me, and I feel DS hates me. I'm looking forward to him going to bed at night, that's my ray of light at this point. He is absolutely no pleasure to be around despite my best efforts to play, learn and explore all day long, with lots of hugs and kisses and fun. He also doesn't speak even one word yet (we are bilingual at home) and that makes it even worse since I just don't know what's going on. I really just want to ram my head in the wall.

[scottishmommy]

First of all ((((HUGS)))). Second, with that sort of extreme behavior (screaming 80% of the day) I would have him evaluated for food allergies/issues. I would also rule out sleep deprivation, or sensory processing disorders. If all the physical stuff checks out, then I would ignore his tantrums. When my dd throws a fit (which she does 3-4 times a day) I just walk away. She cools down very fast when she realizes that mommy doesn't respond to her fits. If I linger she throws things, breaks things, grabs folded clothes and tosses them, slams doors, tries to hit me, etc. If I walk away she doesn't get destructive. It's really, really hard to ignore your child when they are so upset, but there doesn't seem to be a better way (in my situation at least). Good luck! I hope things get better soon!

[SunshineJ]

((Hugs!)) That's so hard. First thing I would suggest is eliminate any possibility of illness - no ear infections, etc. If you're sure there's no underlying cause like that, then well, all I can really tell you is to hang in there. DS went through that when he was 3, and wowsa! If we made it an hour without a complete screaming meltdown then we called it a success! Some observations and suggestions though. Eat. If he doesn't like it or throws a fit and tries to keep you from eating, explain that mommy needs to eat and gently set him down. I had to put my child in a playpen or corralled in a child safe room (where I was on the other side of the gate and could watch everything and respond if needed) a couple of times. He didn't like it, but you know what? His needs were met, he wasn't in danger and I learned the hard way that if you don't take care of yourself then pretty soon you're not in any condition to take care of anyone else. Also, if you have an opportunity at all, plan a couple hours here and there away from him. Leave him with his father, family, friends, whatever and give yourself a chance to reset (you may already do this, I'm just going by what looking back I *should* have done!) FWIW, it only lasted about 6 months at our house (granted DS was older when it started), and while some kids stay moody I've never heard of the stage you're describing, to that degree, lasting for much longer.

[Kuba'sMama]

Hi, I saw this in the new posts and had to respond. I'm sorry you are going through this. If it's any consolation (even a small one ), it's just an awkward age. They are not comprehensive enough yet to be co-operative, but old enough to experience frustration (but not really able to problem-solve to do anything about it). Remember, it's not your job to make him happy all the time. You obviously put a lot of care into making sure all his needs are met. Well, do the same for your too! Show him that you WILL eat, whether he likes it or not, you don't want to set up a martyr relationship or grow to be resentful of him. You can give him an option like "would you like to build with blocks (go for a walk, paint a picture, etc) after mommy's done with her sandwich?" or "would you like to have a snack with mommy?" If he screams, I would just remove him firmly and say "you can play here (play area) or scream if you choose, or if you calm down you can join me in the kitchen", then go back to your food. Trust me, he will be fine. He is starting to test your boundaries right now, it is ok for him to learn that some behaviours will not get him the reaction he would like.

[pianojazzgirl]

When I read your post some little voice inside me wondered if maybe food sensitivities could be playing into his behaviour. I have no experience whatsoever with food sensitivities so I have no resources or specific advice for you, but I thought it worth mentioning since my intuition told me I should!

If you're interested in learning more I know that lots of mamas here have lots of intelligent things to say on the subject (just not me!).

ETA.. just noticed scottishmommy had the same thought!

ETA again - teaching him some baby sign language may go a long way towards mitigating his frustration at not being able to communicate.

[nia82]

Thanks for your kind answers! DS is napping now and I have some time to think...
I don't think it's allergies or sickness, as DS is perfectly fine and "behaves well" when DH is around. He only ever shows this behaviour when we are alone.... So it must have to do with the way I interact with him. I'm naturally not very stubborn or strong, most of the time in arguments I'm the kind of person who just gives in for harmony's sake. I wonder if DS can sense that somehow. I know he is testing his boundaries, but he is so strong! He just won't give in (or accept that e.g. today we just cannot go outside - there is a snowstorm outside!).
I missed to teach sign language, I sort of assumed he'd be a chatterbox just like me... But he makes signs he made up himself, like come with me, or help me with that, I want to go out, give me that, stuff like that he can sign and I know what it means. Mostly tantrums unfold because he wants to go outside, which we do a lot, but we just cannot spend all day long outside, we have chores too!
I don't get the eating behaviour. DS was a very late eater himself, maybe that plays a role (he still doesn't like table foods, prefers mushed up food or hard foods like organic cheerios and bread). Maybe he thinks I'm doing something awful by eating food he dislikes... I have a hard time eating when he is screaming... Oh boy.
Oh, I have to constantly stop DH to raise his voice with DS. He tends to be very strict with him, sometimes about things I think are not worth the battle (like I think it's ok for him to play with the remote control).

Just in case, where can I have him tested for allergies? I have no idea about that stuff, nobody in our families has allergies or sensitivities.

[SunshineJ]

Start with a trip to your pediatrician for testing, but be aware a lot of doctors won't test that young. If you think that may be causing it, an elimination diet can be work, but a fairly simple way to tell. Trust your instinct too though.

As for why he treats mom that way and no one else? LOL welcome to motherhood! Kids instinctively know that Mommy will love them unconditionally, no matter what, regardless of how they behave. They just "know" this. So while they may be on best behaviour for grandma let's say, once they get back with just mom all the tiredness and crankiness will come out. Believe it or not it's kind of a sign of honor really, that they trust your love and acceptance so much. ROFLOL and that totally doesn't help a bit when they're in the middle of Monster Mode, either, does it? He's at the age where his entire world has completely revolved around him up to this point. It can be an adjustment, harder for some and easier for others, to realize that other people have needs as well and intend to meet those needs. It won't last forever though, I promise!

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by nia82

Just in case, where can I have him tested for allergies? I have no idea about that stuff, nobody in our families has allergies or sensitivities.

There is an Allergies subforum here under the Health and Healing forum. I suggest you post there, mentioning your son's behavioural issues, and asking if anyone has any insights about how food sensitivities might play into them. You could also ask how to go about testing for allergies (I know there is "testing" you can do at home by way of elimination diets, etc... but like I said before I'm no expert - ask the mamas who are!).

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by nia82

Thanks for your kind answers! DS is napping now and I have some time to think...
I don't think it's allergies or sickness, as DS is perfectly fine and "behaves well" when DH is around. He only ever shows this behaviour when we are alone.... So it must have to do with the way I interact with him. I'm naturally not very stubborn or strong, most of the time in arguments I'm the kind of person who just gives in for harmony's sake. I wonder if DS can sense that somehow. I know he is testing his boundaries, but he is so strong! He just won't give in (or accept that e.g. today we just cannot go outside - there is a snowstorm outside!).
I missed to teach sign language, I sort of assumed he'd be a chatterbox just like me... But he makes signs he made up himself, like come with me, or help me with that, I want to go out, give me that, stuff like that he can sign and I know what it means. Mostly tantrums unfold because he wants to go outside, which we do a lot, but we just cannot spend all day long outside, we have chores too!
I don't get the eating behaviour. DS was a very late eater himself, maybe that plays a role (he still doesn't like table foods, prefers mushed up food or hard foods like organic cheerios and bread). Maybe he thinks I'm doing something awful by eating food he dislikes... I have a hard time eating when he is screaming... Oh boy.
Oh, I have to constantly stop DH to raise his voice with DS. He tends to be very strict with him, sometimes about things I think are not worth the battle (like I think it's ok for him to play with the remote control).

Just in case, where can I have him tested for allergies? I have no idea about that stuff, nobody in our families has allergies or sensitivities.

I would encourage a trip to a doctor and have the hearing test. Please rule out medical causes!!

Also some kids like order, routines, and set expectations more than others. If you are reacting to "keep" the peace it can be confusing to a child that needs you to be in control, this could be what daddy does. He sets the rules and there is no compromise. Some kids to better with no choices, especially at that age. It can be overwhelming.

Today, you mention a snow storm. He is throwing a fit. Part of this is "normal" we all deal with it -- these types of days can be hard on any parent. Part of it, I suspect, is he is learning if he throws a big enough fit mommy will give in. If I throw a fit, mommy won't eat. If I throw a fit, I can go out. If I throw a fit, I can play with the remote (which if you ever had a child swallow a battery it isn't OK to play with, with out close supervision).

As for going out on other days, you need to be firm and make set transitions. A timer can really help with this. We are going to be outside until the timer goes off. Then we are coming in. Don't give him much warning. When the timer goes off. Clean up, go in. No argument, sympathize but not further time.

Learn to say after I wash dishes we will go out. Then do just as you state. Let the phone go. Being very consistent with your words and actions. I have a suspicion that if you are consistent, sympathetic but not giving in, this will settle down. It is ok to ignore the tantrum --and ignore the on lookers.

One thing that helped us with transitions was to describe the expected behavior. When we leave the bark, I expect you to say "good bye" to the play ground and get in the car with out crying. Then later you can "praise" him for expected behavior. Thank you for not crying when we left the park. That really makes our day go smoother. (or something like that).

Take time to show appreciation for when he is doing the behavior you want. Thanks for sitting down while I ate (ignore the fact that he was screaming). Then you can build up to other stuff.

Also, eat with him.

[Saarland]

Possible Quick Fixes: Itsy Bitsy Yoga or other toddler yoga programs, NO MORE Phosporic acid[/B] I just read "The Feeding and Care of Indigo Children" and the author wrote that it often helps to give your child food more often. Small amounts of course


Hi,

I just went through the same thing with my 31 months old. He did not try to suffocate an animal, but he would run through the whole house screaming like crazy, tears all over. He would run from room to room, wanting me to follow him and he would only stop for nursing. I ran through the house for hours day and night until I was exhausted. I am also pregnant, so I felt like I might be harming my baby in the belly, too.

My son seemed to need me there with him though. I would have never ignored him. Not saying that his is a wrong strategy. It would have been the wrong one FOR HIM! He needed me and he was really upset and did not know what to do.

I alsothink it is important to check if there are any health issues. Or are there changes in your life? A move or something? Allergies could be a problem.

My son calmed down after I made sure he would eat more often and I reduced the dairy products. We are vegetarians and I do not consume too many dairy products, but I have noticed that, when I have him eat and drink soy and almond products instead, he calmed down faster and easier. That might not work for everybody, but it sure worked for us.

A friend of mine who had problems with her daughter went vegetarian after he daugther had bad tantrums and her daughter calmed down with that. (Maybe it is all the stuff that they give the animals. Drugs, hormones....)

One important thing to look out for whenever there is a problem with trantrums is Phosporid Acid. I hope I spelled that right now. This stuff is bad bad bad. Try to make sure your child does not eat or drink it.

Another thing we did is to get him what we call a "Dryade". I have no clue what it is in English and I am sure that it is something not for everyone. Your child can wear it like a necklace or you hang it on your bed (or his or her bed, if the child does not sleep with you.)

Aromatherapy might work, too. My son never slept well until we started it. We also use Itsy Bitsy Yoga for Toddlers to calm him down and to get him sleepy!!! I love Itsy Bitsy Yoga and can only recommend it!

Whatever you do, be loving and stay calm. Your child will sense when you are about to freak out and things will get worse. Easier said than done, I know. Just remember the love. And do not forget to eat. You need to eat. Even if you eat when he is asleep, although I think you should eat when you are hungry and need it. And eat healthy. You need the energy.

I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed out. I know it is hard and I am so glad moms like you are out there. We live on a military post and I see so many parents who lock their children up in their rooms or even hit them when they cry and screams. It breaks my heart to see that and it makes me so angry. Poor children.

Your child chose a good mommy. Be proud!

Big hugs to you!

Saskia

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Saarland

Another thing we did is to get him what we call a "Dryade". I have no clue what it is in English and I am sure that it is something not for everyone. Your child can wear it like a necklace or you hang it on your bed (or his or her bed, if the child does not sleep with you.)

I'm curious - can you explain what this is?

[nia82]

I probably will have his hearing evaluated, but I believe it is fine. Because he understands us when we play together (like: oh check it out, the cat's on the couch in the living room! and he'll happily run over and get her....)... Well he doesn't suffocate the cat on purpose, but he carries him around his neck which does hurt poor kitty and isn't nice. I've been working on gentle forever! Anyways, his hearing, he understands both languages just fine. Just when he is upset he chooses to not listen whatsoever. I could be offering eternal life and he'd continue screaming...

DS rarely eats meat, it's not his thing yet, but otherwise he only eats organic food. No additives or such.... I thought phosphoric acid is mainly in colas/sodas? We don't drink that stuff (just water and milk here). DS loves yogurt and has for a while, I really don't think he's allergic to anything. Especially since the behavior is tied to a specific person, moi.

Today really was the worst day ever... Not being able to go outside makes it a lot worse. I do agree with the posters who said I have to be more stern (which doesn't mean yelling or spanking, just being consistent I suppose)... I just give in too quickly and feel like a bad person if I don't give him attention constantly, which is my mistake.
I do tell him though what we are doing, and we have a pretty nice routine going. Just his recent love for the outdoors makes it hard some days, cause of the erratic weather around here... So I take him to the library instead or the playground at the mall...

Oh and the remote is battery-less, we never use it so I think it's fine for him to play with it, but DH thinks that then he will think he can have them all. Sigh.


@ Saskia: I couldn't find anything about Dryade on google.de ... Can you provide a link? It's cool if it's in another language. Thanks!

[sapphire_chan]

Do you find that a choice between things "do you want food a or food b?" makes him scream but "do you want food a?" "do you want food b?" gets a calm "no" or "yes"? (well, for us, it's "no" or a nod)

I feel like for my nearly-19month old that a choice between things is actually too hard of a decision. Frequently she's upset because she can't tell me what she wants out of ALL the things in the world, and so when I go to offer a choice it's like she's used up all her decision making effort already and now I want her to think of the words too?!?

I can do choices between stuff I hold up, like "which pair of pants" but I couldn't say "do you want pants or a skirt?" I'd have to be holding one in each hand.

[MissE]

First of all HUGS from me to you too. I can somewhat imagine what you're going through. DD is a little dramaqueen but thankfully verbal enough to tell me what she wants or needs.

To me it's all about the rules. If I gave in for piece's sake whenever one of my kids is throwing a fit, they'd be drawing on walls and ripping the carpet off the floor, honestly. I'm also not into letting your kids cry it out or not giving any love when they want it BUT if DD has one of her moments just because I peeled her banana instead of letting her mash it so she can eat it, I will put her in her crib to work it out for a few minutes. Usually she calms down and we can start over again. She also knows that the stairs are the spot for timeouts and goes there whenever she's upset, no matter if I sent her there or not.

DD (and your DS) have to learn the rules so I would try to reenforce them, even if that means that he will scream bloody murder. He knows now that he can 'manipulate' you by his actions and I suppose your husband (like so many dads from what I know) is a little more firm with him so your DS knows the rules with him but he's testing you until you break down.

Hang in there, he'll learn, he'll still love you even though you say no or don't give in to what he wants. After all, you're his mommy, you just want the best for him, he might not know that now but it'll help in the long run .

Good luck.

[dantesmama]

I have no advice, but wanted to let you know you're not alone! Your DS sounds very similar to my 2.5yo - even down to being a late talker (he's in speech therapy now and has just begun to talk). He threw full-fledged, thrashing-on-the-floor tantrums by 10 months old. I'm afraid to open my windows in warm weather because I know the whole neighborhood will be able to hear him screaming. He will have a complete meltdown if I start to take the "wrong" cup out of the cupboard for him. We don't go more than 10 minutes at a time without him screaming bloody murder about *something*. I really do start to wonder if he hates me sometimes! I love him to death but living with him can be a miserable experience many days.

So - - - I understand. It's really really rough. I've tried everything too, and I guess some kids are just like this. Don't feel guilty about handing him off to your DH or a family member for a few hours just to get away from the stress! If it's any consolation, several people have told me that these toddlers often turn out to be very sensitive, loving kids. I'm beginning to see that with my high-needs DS, who no matter what is always very sweet and affectionate with his baby brother - he's always lavishing him with hugs and kisses.

Hang in there!

[Marsupialmom]

Rainy and snowy days suck..............even when they are 15,12, and 9....just at these ages IMO it is easier to ignore the whine.

[nia82]

Thank you guys so much. And I think you are so right... i have to set the rules and stick with it, it can be confusing to ds otherwise.
Dh and I talked last night, and we noticed that each of us tries to compensate the other's behavior. Dh comes from a yelling family and was spanked. While he disapproves, he tends to yell at ds and expects too much of him often. He is working on it... and I then feel horribly guilty for that behavior and am extra sweet with ds and let things slide. We both realized that we have to work on both setting the same rules and both not yelling nor over-praising.

@ saphirechan: I show him the foods and want him to pick, but he'd prefer eating cheerios all day or yobaby. He actually likes all fruits and veggies, but always fusses for the first bite, as if he had forgotten what banana or whatever tastes like. Once he tries it, hes like ojh that is good, give me more! He didnt eat solids until july, so he was about 11 months old... other things such as asking for help with the car seat are too overwhelming for him. Maybe soon though.

Unfortunately our families are in CA and Europe, and we are military with little friends (new in town, mist coworkers are single, very little parents around) and dh is on a schedule olike firefighters, he leaves for 36 hours and then comes back for the same amount of time. My parents come once a year for 4 weeks, luckily soon which helps tremendously.

I must say that ds likes other people. He is not aggressive with others at all. He loves older kids, especially girls, maybe cause he is around men mostly. He loves our cats, he just cannot gage it, hugging them is like the death hug. When I tell him to be gentle he gets upset, maybe cause he itrying but frustrated that it doesnt work... my sil told me the same thing about he personality to develop, a compassionate being etc. Sils daughter was the same way, now at three she is much easier though.

I think once ds talks it will be better. Sometimes I get the feeling he could talk if he wanted to, but is holding back. I ask him something nd encourage to talk, and he gets a smug smile and shakes his head. I read somewhere that some bilingual kids hold back until they can seperate both languages completely, which may be our case. When I'm out n about I suddenly speak English which might confuse him since that is daddy's language. Also, my sister and dad didnt talk til 3. She's a md now and dad is an engineer, so it obviously has nothing to do with being slow. Maybe a family thing, though I talked early, but I also love chattering, lol.

[pianojazzgirl]

19 months and not speaking for a bilingual kid would not worry me at all. I live in a place where a lot of families are bilingual and I have seen with my friends that almost all of their kids were much later talkers than those from unilingual (is that a word?) families.

And, wow, your observation that you and your dh "compensate" for each other's parenting styles really rings true for my dynamic with my dh as well. Great food for thought!

Re. his food choices.... what about making up little snack trays with a variety of healthy choices and just let him graze throughout the day? Take the power struggle away. And, don't sweat too much about how he's eating. It sounds like he is still nursing a lot so gets his complete nutrition that way. I know with my dd when she weaned (just before turning two) her eating habits changed - I assume to provide for what she was no longer getting through nursing. And FWIW my best friend's son spent almost his entire toddlerhood REFUSING to eat anything but chocolate (of course, they did actually get him to eat small amounts of other things - but he tantrummed multiple times daily over wanting chocolate for almost 2 years!), but he was a round-the-clock nurser. He's now a very healthy, super-intelligent, well-rounded 7 yr old.

And I was thinking about choices. I think some kids actually do better with fewer choices. They can get too easily overwhelmed. I don't know if this is true for your ds or not, but it might be worth trying to pare down the choices to see how it works. Like if he will freak out over the "wrong" cup (like a pp's ds) you could try having one cup (or perhaps, 2 or 3 identical cups to make life easier) that is *always* his cup. That way there is no choice - it's just his cup - fact of life. The same concept can extend to all kinds of other daily situations.

Last thought - if he is being violent with you (scratching etc) it is (IMO) ok to say "I will not let you hurt my body" (or similar) and move away from him. If you are getting hurt it is ok to not hold and hug him to try to help him calm down. I think that this is a very natural consequence that we all learn. If we hurt someone they will want to move away from us.

[nia82]

Thank you again for all your answers... The past days were really hard. Now that I'm alone again with DS things are actually looking up... I'm just stern, but not cruel. It really helps to determine a set frame of rules.

As far as food goes.... The nibble tray consists of bread, oh's (Cascadian Farms) and that's about it. BUT... today I sat down to eat my pasta, and DS wanted SOME! I ended up feeding him half my low bowl full of bolognese pasta, and at the end, all he wanted was the meat (which is good for us since his iron has always been low - and it was high quality food which I prepared!). I thought that was a major breajthrough. I also handed him a spoon as always for his meals and this time he actually used it to scoop is organic plum oatmeal and stick in his mouth! yeah!

Btw, I apologize for all those typos earlier, I was writing from my cell, it's so hard!!!!