I want to be here...

[Phoenix~Mama]

I am so tired of the pain and the crying and the feeling of wanting to die rather than deal with my H...

I feel so incredibly stuck and have hit a dead end in resources. I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid. I have no idea how I'm going to do this all on my own...

But I'm so tired of living like this too... I know I need to jump... but I have no idea where to jump to.

I have been trying to locate resources, and I keep getting stuck. I'm not looking forward to being destitute and trying to raise two little ones. I'm scared of not having a place for us all to live comfortably or enough food to eat...

But staying... I'm afraid I can't emotionally keep it together much longer. I feel closer and closer to shattering everyday...

I went with H to his counseling appt yesterday and he showed some of his truer colors in front of his counselor. She looked shocked and surprised, and I was honestly hoping she was going to call me... I may try to get in touch with her tomorrow.

I just wish I had somewhere safe to go... I'm so tired of feeling like this.

[mama2myangels07]

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

for you everyday and every night.

[_ktg_]

s mama s we are here for you!

[fiorio]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There has to be some solution. Don't give up hope.

Did you have your appointment with a lawyer this week?

You are in my thoughts...

[Freedom~Mama]

I know how hard it is.

[homewithtwinsmama]

An acquaintance of mine was in your situation. She could not get him to leave and she was in financial trouble. She is a mama to 8. She took her younger three (two would not go and two are adults) and moved to a homeless shelter until she could find a job (in a daycare) and find an apartment. She may not be living the standard she previously did, but already her heart and her life are lighter. You can do it mama!

[coryy]

I am not aware of the details of your situation, but my marriage spiraled away spectacularly recently and I am still wrapping my head around how long i've been lied to....and the fact that I've been of and pn antidepressants for over a year, trying to medicate away a misery that DH was intentionally causing, without my being aware at all that it was abuse...

I find myself slipping into patterns of belief and behavior around him that give him my power, and i never knew it.
this article has helped me immensely in understanding what has been happening to my marriage and how I have gotten to this point, and why my dh can rationalize and blame his emotions/actions on me and therapists just don't get it.
Also know that my dh gave up and our last appt. for counseling was horrible for me, just awful, and i sent nasty emails to the counselor and dh --yet the counselor saw just me again today and was very supportive, helpful, and present for me, despite my being there on my own, so please don't feel that you have to give up the counselor (if s/he is helping you ) just because your partner is.

anyway, read this article, see if it helps.
I keep telling myself I can be strong. I can remember how.


http://ezinearticles.com/?Emotional-...orse&id=150156

[Theia]

You are making huge strides! It might not seem like it, but you are. You can do this. Just get on the phone and call anyone who might have resources to help, and if they can't help, ask them if they know of anyone who can. It's a lot of hard, stressful work. But living your life and raising your DC in peace is really priceless. Single parenthood does not equal destitute. Sending you strength.

[nola79]

I have been there, I know how you feel. No advice really, just wanted to say it CAN be done, it is hard and it is tiring, but it is worth it to live your life in peace with just you and your little ones. I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I do hope your situation improves one way or another.

[Kiernan]

I hope you can find your way to a more peaceful life.

[kittywitty]

[LorenaAZ]

Don't give up. Keep looking. Something will come up. I started out going to a women's shelter because my ex wouldn't leave. It was the only place I could go...and even if it wasn't what I was used to, I had peace and support which allowed me to sort things out and begin the journey out of the black hole I was in. Where you are right now is the hardest part. Things will fall into place and you will make it! I know when I came here that's what everyone told me and it seemed like "rose-colored talk", but it is true.

Good luck Mama. We are all here for you.

[MissLotus]

I don't know if you kept the lawyer's appointment; if not, re-set it. He or she can at least help you see where you'd stand financially, and that is a start. And it will empower you to feel like you did something, made a move to help yourself - even if all you do is have a consultation. You don't have to retain them - just ask questions.

It's a first, small but very do-able step.

[meemee]

oh mama on top of that there is a 3rd little one on the way i see by your siggie.

i sooo feel your pain. i so feel your pain. i was in teh same situation and with pregnancy hormones thrown in it really was the worst period of my life.

seriously i would have been happier doing it on my own when i was pregnant (heck i WAS alone with the other person using our home as a hotel).

hang in there mama. you may not get all your eggs in a basket but a time will come where even resources dont matter.

the 'worst' thing about single parenting is it looks 'much worse' than it truly is. it is HARD and you are constantly living on the edge but the 'worst' never really happens. i have been homeless, couch surfing with my little one, stuck in the worst job - but that 'worst thing' never happened.

hang in there mama. we are all there to catch you when you fall. we have all fallen at some point and have ALWAYS found arms to catch us.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I am so tired of the pain and the crying and the feeling of wanting to die rather than deal with my H...

Mama, I just re-read this and I'm worried. Are you suicidal?? If you are, please call the abuse hotline (or the suicide hotline). Please start looking for some help.

Abuse hotline number: 1-800-799-SAFE

Suicide hotline: [phone]

Please update. And start calling women's shelters again. Tell them how bad it really is - don't dimmish the abuse. Tell them how its making you feel.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by thyra

Mama, I just re-read this and I'm worried. Are you suicidal?? If you are, please call the abuse hotline (or the suicide hotline). Please start looking for some help.

Abuse hotline number: 1-800-799-SAFE

Suicide hotline: [phone]

Please update. And start calling women's shelters again. Tell them how bad it really is - don't dimmish the abuse. Tell them how its making you feel.

I'm okay. Honest. I'm not suicidal... just some days, I wish something would happen to me so I wouldn't have to think through and deal with all this garbage anymore.

I have told them how I feel and have tried not to downplay anything... but like I said, they don't really care because he has never hit me and he is in counseling.

I'm feeling a bit more put together now, it was a rough week... but one day at a time... I keep going.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I'm okay. Honest. I'm not suicidal... just some days, I wish something would happen to me so I wouldn't have to think through and deal with all this garbage anymore.

I have told them how I feel and have tried not to downplay anything... but like I said, they don't really care because he has never hit me and he is in counseling.

I'm feeling a bit more put together now, it was a rough week... but one day at a time... I keep going.

Have you told them what you wrote in your first post on this thread? That you sometimes want to die instead of dealing with his BS? Have you actually said those words to anyone? I have a really hard time believing that they don't care - please go to them, and talk to one of their counselors. Don't take no for an answer. I know how hard it is. I know you feel frozen. Living one day at a time is so hard to do long term!

Have you told them that counseling isn't helping? Have you told them that he has been sexually violent towards you? (I know you don't believe that, but coercing you into having sex with him IS sexual violence - and should qualify you for emergency housing, I don't care how long ago or how infrequent it occurred).

I'm worried about you. How has your individual therapy been going? How are you feeling (physically)?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by thyra

Have you told them what you wrote in your first post on this thread? That you sometimes want to die instead of dealing with his BS? Have you actually said those words to anyone? I have a really hard time believing that they don't care - please go to them, and talk to one of their counselors. Don't take no for an answer. I know how hard it is. I know you feel frozen. Living one day at a time is so hard to do long term!

Have you told them that counseling isn't helping? Have you told them that he has been sexually violent towards you? (I know you don't believe that, but coercing you into having sex with him IS sexual violence - and should qualify you for emergency housing, I don't care how long ago or how infrequent it occurred).

I'm worried about you. How has your individual therapy been going? How are you feeling (physically)?

Yes to ALL OF THIS.

Wishing something would happen to you so you dont have to deal with your husband? Mama, those are NOT THE WORDS OF A HEALTHY SITUATION!

[MissLotus]

Yeah, I agree. And something can happen so you don't have to deal with him. You can divorce him. This board is full of proof of that! I don't think it was easy for any of us here, either, but darned if it isn't easier than living like THAT.