Is it me, or do timeouts really not work? - Page 2

[mamadelbosque]

I've never done time-outs with DS1. Its hard to describe our 'punishments' for him at this point (hes 3 now), but generally, he hits people with stuff (not just hands/feet), and if he does so repeatedly (ie. not just on accident while playing, once), whatever that 'thing' is goes away - for the rest of the day at least, and usually till he remembers/asks for it or we find it put up somewhere high and put it away. (For example: If he runs over our feet (or hits DS2 in any way shape or form) with his bike, it goes away for days) We also require that he tell whoever it is he's sorry.

[silybum]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

What Skueppers said. And the Gentle Discipline forum is a great resource when you've got specific frustrations.
A playful parenting (Playful Parenting, Lawrence Cohen) way of handling him having a desire to hit (as opposed to wanting to pet the dog and being bad at that) would be to make a big deal about trying to keep him from getting to a pillow to hit it. Be really really silly about it, like throwing yourself on top of the pillow and leaving a part of it out.

Sapphire_chan , I love this idea, thank you. And I have a question that somehow seems really dumb and obvious, but yet relevant. Does this kind of play undermine the LO’s ability to take “No” when it does come along? I imagine that context, tone of voice, all that might make it clear, but I’m interested in your experience.

Originally Posted by swd12422

Dreamy - I haven't read your entire post yet, but it looks like excellent info and I'm going to have DH read this thread so he can see what I'm talking about.

What she said.

[BeanyMama]

Originally Posted by skueppers

In my experience, there are behaviors that kids just need to grow out of. In the mean time, we do our best to keep them from hurting people, and try to teach them the skills they will eventually be able to use to help themselves not do these things. Oh, and try to avoid getting so aggravated that we ruin our relationship with the kids.

Well said! Controlling our own behavior is the hugest thing we can do to help our kids learn appropriate behavior themselves, imho. They absolutely feed off what we're putting out.

The only time I do something like "time out" when my boys are in a fighting pretty passionately. They need to be separated and they get separated. I put one on one couch, and one on the other and they can get down when they other boy says they can. I got it from the book Kids are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso. But that's a little beyond three year old-stage so ner'mind

[claddaghmom]

I can't imagine timeouts "working" for kids under 3 years old. I'm sure there are outliers of course...there are outliers for every neurological milestone.

This is a biological thing, mama. The parts of the brain that control impulse and decision making are not developed fully by 2 years old...depending on what expert you read...some say it's not fully developed until as late as 5 years old. But I imagine the brunt of it is newborn-3 years.

In other words, even if they understand concepts such as hitting hurts another person, or dumping out water is against the rules, they literally don't have the brain function to stop themselves. Although I suppose some forms of severe conditioning might create unique neuropathways that compensate (think the Pearls). And I'd be terrified to do that to my child...


Anyways, you wonder what to do...makes sense. I wonder that every day.

IMO the goal is to head off the crisis before it happens. If you watch carefully, you catch cues before it's too late. For example, if DD is having trouble communicating what she wants and I start offering to many choices, she gets really frustrating and will fling whatever I give her. If I hand her a banana, she tosses it to the ground, then plops down and starts crying.

I don't see what a time out would do for her in this situation anyway. I think maybe I need a time out for overwhelming her and pressuring her. When this happens, I just say something such as, "Uh oh! Little banana got hurt when you tossed him on the ground. Help me pick him up and put him on the table, please."

Whenever the situation involves hurting another person, I make sure to direct all attention to the victim. This has been really effective for me. I don't know if that means it will work for everyone but it's worth a try. For example, one time DD was reading a book and something bothered her (who knows what...it's like they are teens or something) and she flung it at DH. I immediately rush.....right past her to DH and hugged him and gave him an "owie kiss" and asked him if he was okay, etc etc. After about 30-40 seconds of doing this, DD slowly came over to us and stood there, waiting for us to acknowledge her. I kept gushing over DH, then about 10 seconds later she walked over to DH and hugged him. At that point, I acknowledged her and said, "Thank you for hugging daddy. That book really hurt him! Next time if you are angry, just set it down nicely like this" and I showed her how to set it down.

[Picard]

The whole time-out idea to me seems so sad. I was put in a 'time-out' situation once at age 7 at school and all I experienced were negative feelings (defiance). I also saw a five-year old boy sitting in time-out the other day at the playground and I felt so sad for him. It must feel terribly humiliating, especially in front of play mates. And because it cannot call up good feelings, I would venture to say that time-outs do not work.

My DS is just about to turn two and sure has his moments. At times, it is very difficult to keep my cool and DH has a lot more trouble with this than I do. So, sometimes, I use my stern voice. Most of the time, we try to redirect, avoid situations if we know that they trigger bad behavior, and I also sometimes just ignore stuff especially when DS is specifically looking for a reaction.

DS throws with stuff. So far, I have tried to teach him about soft things and hard things. Soft toys can be thrown with, hard things can't. It works a lot of the time and if it doesn't, I immediately teach him again about the difference. Working with puppets helps a great deal with this.

We have trouble with him scratching since a few weeks. Again, I teach him the difference between scratching and tickling -- as in, I am trying to introduce alternatives. Nonetheless, DS seems to lose control over his emotions when he is not allowed to do something (this is generally something dangerous) and he'll scratch. I use my stern voice, tell him we don't like the behavior, and try to do something different altogether.

So far, it has actually never occurred to me to use time-out.

[puddle]

I'm another mama who doesn't care for timeouts. The main reason I avoid them is because of a childhood memory. I remember standing in the corner, picking the textured paint bumps off the wall and eating them, and hoping they would make me sick so that THEY'D BE SORRY for making me stand there for the ten years it felt like. I can't tell you why I was in the corner, but I can vividly remember the rage I felt. I don't want my daughter to have those same memories.

My daughter mostly only ever hits me. One playful technique that's been working for me is teaching her a clapping game. Sometimes she suggests it now when I stop her from hitting me. It gives her the sensation of hitting plus the physical contact of hitting, so she really likes it. She'll hit pillows and sometimes even hit herself , but her current favorite is the clapping game.

[EFmom]

We used timeouts via the 1-2-3 Magic technique and it worked very well.