I'm all for natural consequences, but what to do about persistent hitting

[canoemom]

We've tried time-outs for my 2.5 yr-old daughter when she hits her 4 month old brother - but they just don't feel right to me. Neither does the forced "I'm sorry."

In other areas of toddler life - I like the idea of natural consequences. But I don't see how this works for hitting your brother to get attention. Redirection doesn't seem to be effective. "Hands are not for hitting" does nothing. And if I stop nursing the 4-month old and give her attention and talk about her emotions that caused the hitting - is this rewarding her hitting with attention?

So - if you don't use time-outs - what do you do to address unacceptable behavior like hitting that doesn't have a natural consequence? (i.e. if she's banging her spoon on the dining room table after being asked to stop a few times, the spoon is taken away if she makes the choice to keep banging).

[swd12422]

I just put his hands down by his sides and say sternly, "No hitting." No, it doesn't work immediately, but I have no idea what else to do, other than to tell him he may not hit me. If he persists, he goes into timeout mainly to separate him from me and therefore to stop the hitting.

But then, I just posted a ? about timeouts, b/c they really don't seem to work all that well. It just works for the moment to get him out of hitting me right then. Sometimes, he comes out and goes right back in if he's not finished hitting....

[xelakann]

We say "we don't hit people (or cats), I will not let you hit mama (or kitties) you can hit the couch or the floor or the pillow".

So we tell him that hitting us is not allowed but tell him what he can hit.

[RiverSky]

Time outs never work for toddlers (or any children for that matter). My son was 2 1/2 when my daughter was born, and sure enough, he would sometimes try to be rough with her. All we did was be very vigilant. A 2 1/2 year old and an infant cannot be in the same room together, without an adult to supervise. That is simply the fact. If you need to go to the washroom, make sure your infant is in a safe place that your toddler can't reach. It only takes an instant for a toddler to throw a ball at an infant, wanting to play catch. Or to pass a hard plastic toy at an infant, thinking maybe the baby wants to play and bonk, right in the face.

I agree with the others who said that a stern "no hitting allowed" should be given every single time and next, physically protecting your toddler. I remember so strongly the weird feeling I got when I had my second child and suddenly saw my toddler as a threat. I was so shocked!!! But it passes and in a few months, toddler will be more used to having the baby around and then baby will be old enough to actually play with the toddler and voila, this period will pass.

[_betsy_]

I found good success with "No hitting!" and lavishing attention on the offended party (cat or, later, the baby, in our case). "Oh, poor (kitty or) baby, are you OK? Oh, that must have hurt and scared you, I'm so sorry [kitty or baby's name]. We don't hit, hands are not for hitting, and hitting hurts. Are you OK, baby?"

This gets the point across to the toddler, doesn't allow the toddler to get all sort of attention (even if it would have been negative), allows you to comfort the injured party, etc.

Had to do it twice when my DD1 was about 2 and hitting the cat or pulling his tail, and a couple more times when she was 2.5 and the baby was a newborn. Haven't really had an issue since.

And DD2 has never been too rough with her sister or the cat, but she's only 14 months old. Mostly she likes to wallop me in the face with two open hands, but in her world, that seems to be a loving gesture.