Husband about to be gone during the week

[Squrrl]

My husband's company is very shaky right now...just laid off 80 people and more to come...and they loaned him out to a different division nearly a three hour drive away. He'll be working there for two to ten months...nice specific time frame there...and due to the ridiculous drive, he'll be staying down there during the weeks. Fortunately, his sister lives minutes away from the new office.

So my problem is that I really cannot cope with being alone. We're homebodies, and we don't like to be apart, and so all along he's been really upfront, saying in every interview that he won't travel, etc. In our entire relationship, discounting the first few months, we've been apart from each other overnight like three times. I tend to completely fall apart left to myself...not eating, not sleeping, pretty much an instant deep depression. So obviously I'm really dreading this...he'll be gone starting tonight, and I already cried myself to sleep last night.

The reason I'm sharing all this with total strangers is that I'm starting to really wonder what the heck is WRONG with me that I can't cope with this. Military wives get along with much worse, and plenty of men travel quite a bit for work. My brother-in-law is gone for two months at a time as a lobbyist to a state legislature. I personally know of two other moms who are in the same situation as me, with their husbands' jobs getting moved too far away to commute. They all manage. So why do I have this constant choking feeling like there's no way I can cope with this?

I'm not a weak person, I don't think. I even refreshed myself on what traits make a person "codependent" and it didn't sound like me at all. I'm social, I have friends, I have an okay support network though I'm not near to any really close friends. I just can't be alone. I've been single for three MONTHS since I was fifteen years old. So what IS this? Is there a name for being a total fail at singleness, even token temporary singleness? Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do?

I wouldn't share with total strangers, but I don't want to be a constant downer to my friends, and none of them seem to really get what the big deal is, anyway. My husband does, and he's terrified that I'll fall apart, and I think even willing to quit if I can't cope, but since quitting in the worst job market of our lifetimes and with a fat mortgage to pay is not an appealing option, off he goes, misgivings and all. I need to find some way to work through this and still be emotionally available to my 2 1/2 year old.

I'm sorry, I'm usually more coherent than this. Take it as a sign of my extreme mental perturbation.

[dahlialia]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Please know that I am just talking about me here, not about anything I surmise about you from your post. I just thought that it was worth sharing, in case any of it rings true for you.

I used to feel/be like you are describing. For me, it was a result of having a mentally ill mom. She NEEDED me to be there to take care of her. And so she essentially brought me up to feel like I could not be on my own, could not survive on my own, so that I would never leave her. Ultimately, it took therapy to heal those wounds and change my understanding of myself.

[scottishmommy]

It sounds like you have separation anxiety. I've dealt with this before in my marriage. Sometimes when dh goes to work I feel panicky. It's just how I felt when I was 7 and scared at a slumber party. Please don't be embarrassed. I bet a lot of adults have this problem. I would talk to your doctor about getting some antidepressants to help with your anxiety. Good luck!
Here is some info on Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder
http://personalitymooddisorders.suit...iety_in_adults

Actually, this article looks a little better
http://anxietypanichealth.com/refere...isorder-adult/

[Jaxinator]

Military wives get through it because they don't have a choice. And they too breakdown and cry, and wish their husbands were home with them, feel alone and isolated, and worry that they can't handle the deployments, even if it's the 3rd or 4th or 5th time. And military mommies often have a great support network, base-wide activities, deployed spouse dinners, friends within the squadron whose husbands are also gone, which helps them tremendously.
Sometimes it is a struggle to get out of bed, let alone out of the house, but I've found the best thing is to have something to do during the day. For us, it was nursery everyday. My son goes for 2.5 hours a day, which is long enough that I can't go home and mope in between drop off/pick up. It makes the days go by faster, and there is less alone time.
Luckily, weekends he'll be home, I've found weekends to be the hardest, everyone is with their family
All the SAHM are willing to hang out during the week!

You said you have friends, maybe a standing playdate? Or a standing coffee date? Or maybe find a group of mommies in your area that meet up during the week?

I'm sorry you have to deal with it too, because it does suck. And I know what you mean, I've always needed to have the people in my life physically with me. And then I married a military man. But it got easier to be alone. It really and truly did. (And if anyone gives you "well, at least you don't have to do this or that" or any nonense, just remember that just because someone has to deal with something worse, doesn't make it any easier for anyone else. If that makes sense)

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by Squrrl

So why do I have this constant choking feeling like there's no way I can cope with this?

Because thinking about it, it seems impossible. But it's not. You'll manage. I have known my husband my entire life. I didn't go more than a few days without seeing him for most of my life, and I had seen him every single day from the time I was 15 to when he first left. I thought I was going to die, seriously. close to 8 years later I am still alive and well and I manage very well without him, even pregnant with 4 kids under 7. I don't think about having a new baby in the house again too much because it's overwhelming. How am I going to do it? I don't know, but I know I will.

[Squrrl]

I want to thank you all for your replies...I think every one of you said something helpful. Scottishmommy, I read both links you sent me, right down to the comments, and I do definitely think that the description fits, including other mood and anxiety problems in the past, but wow, do some of the stories in comments put me in perspective. My problems are definitely mild by comparison--plus very lucky to have an antisocial homebody for a husband. Jaxinator, you're quite right, and I've already been working on getting out and hanging with other moms more...today went pretty smoothly because three of us hung out at the park this morning and moms and kids all had a good time. All of you have stories that put my troubles in a larger context, and I'm very grateful for that and for your concern. Honestly, so far the dreading it was worse than the actual event, and Evelyn and I have been doing much better than I would have imagined. We'll see how the first full weeks go, but I feel like I'm growing already, and I hope that I'll be a bigger person with an even stronger relationship because of it. Of course, I also sincerely hope that my husband can come home before TEN MONTHS. I'm not sure I WANT to be that big a person...

[RiverSky]

My initial thoughts are that (1) start getting some counseling as having a good therapist talk you through some of this can be so extremely helpful, then (2) why can't you start by going and staying with him during the week, and treating it like a fun vacation for you and the kids, joining a playgroup in the area or getting a children's museum membership or just spending a lot of time at the library (since you won't be in your own house and will likely want to get out during the day so as not to be a nuisance, perhaps?) and slowly transition from being there 5 nights, to being there 3 nights, then 2, each week, and see if you can wean down to 0, assuming that the job lasts for multiple months.

Good luck!

[mamalisa]

Oh gosh, we are doing this too. I'll be back in the morning.

[Squrrl]

Riversky, both of your suggestions are good, but unfortunately probably not practicable in our case. I actually did seriously consider just going down there with him, but decided against it, or at least against doing it much. On the one hand, we have chickens and an extensive garden, and on the other, he'll be staying with his sister and brother-in-law, who are quite frankly not people we're likely to ever be very close to. Not to mention that they have two VERY large dogs and my daughter is not comfortable around dogs. As for the counseling, especially in light of the real possibility of a separation anxiety disorder, it would seem like a good idea, but on the other hand is the equally real possibility (well, to be honest, probability) that there won't be any job to come home to, so we're stashing away every penny we can right now. Just more stress, on top of the separation--and just a month ago we discovered that my daughter and I are gluten sensitive and are still trying to deal with that, too. It's been an...eventful...year so far. Sigh. But it's always good to be able to turn to you smart mamas here when I'm in a spot.

[Aka mommy]

Originally Posted by Jaxinator

Military wives get through it because they don't have a choice. And they too breakdown and cry, and wish their husbands were home with them, feel alone and isolated, and worry that they can't handle the deployments, even if it's the 3rd or 4th or 5th time. And military mommies often have a great support network, base-wide activities, deployed spouse dinners, friends within the squadron whose husbands are also gone, which helps them tremendously.
Sometimes it is a struggle to get out of bed, let alone out of the house, but I've found the best thing is to have something to do during the day. For us, it was nursery everyday. My son goes for 2.5 hours a day, which is long enough that I can't go home and mope in between drop off/pick up. It makes the days go by faster, and there is less alone time.
Luckily, weekends he'll be home, I've found weekends to be the hardest, everyone is with their family
All the SAHM are willing to hang out during the week!

You said you have friends, maybe a standing playdate? Or a standing coffee date? Or maybe find a group of mommies in your area that meet up during the week?

I'm sorry you have to deal with it too, because it does suck. And I know what you mean, I've always needed to have the people in my life physically with me. And then I married a military man. But it got easier to be alone. It really and truly did. (And if anyone gives you "well, at least you don't have to do this or that" or any nonense, just remember that just because someone has to deal with something worse, doesn't make it any easier for anyone else. If that makes sense)

All of this, i found to be true too. DH joined the military after being together for about 8 years, it was a huge shock to us. And i have major seperation anxiety. So i kept myself as busy as possible, every day we had something planned. And weekends, we lived at the pool and library. We got a puppy who would grow into a big dog to help me feel safe and have company in the evenings when I couldnt sleep. And i went to my therapist with my fears and concerns and hard times.

Good luck, you can do this!

[Squrrl]

So now that we're a week into this business, I thought I would update a little.

On the one hand, I'm definitely growing as a person and gaining respect for myself...realizing that a lot of the things I used to always let my husband take care of for me were just because I chose to, and I can do all of that myself and be a whole, independent person too, functionally speaking. I'm getting a bit better at time management, at going out on my own and looking after my own happiness.

On the other hand, though, I still feel very washed out and mentally tell myself "why bother?" about many things like self-care, housecleaning, etc. I don't cry much--I'm not a crier, as it just gives me a headache and never makes me feel better--but the tears are never far away.

I have been trying to get out of the house nearly every day, which is a HUGE increase over before, when my husband met most of my very limited social needs. I think the worst has been trying to kick the ennui and really enjoy the time we DO have together when my husband is home. Does anyone have any advice on making that transition?

[Squrrl]

I don't really think I was clear. Before my husband first left for the new job, I was very anxious, yes. But now...now I don't really feel anxious. I'm not afraid at night, I'm not worried that I can't handle things (any more than usual...I mean, I AM a toddler-mom ) or that he won't be safe or take care of himself. I'm just--unhappy. Lonely and tired and unhappy. I do stuff every day, because I have to, for Evelyn. She never really lets me do much of anything for myself anyway, and now there isn't even much point in my nightly pleasure of cooking while DH watches the kid, since there's no one to cook for and no DH to watch the kid.

At first, I was even a little hopeful that this was an anxiety problem and a chance for personal growth. It still sort of is, but mostly it's just...a really sh!tty, stupid way to make both me and my husband lonely, bored, and unhappy. I still don't know how on Earth to get past this, to not spend the next who knows how long, but a couple of months at least, in an ever-worsening funk. If there were any way around it...but there really isn't. Basically the other option is to walk away from a home we love. There's no way we could even sell the place. Trying to get a grip on myself...

[Jaxinator]

Originally Posted by Squrrl

On the other hand, though, I still feel very washed out and mentally tell myself "why bother?" about many things like self-care, housecleaning, etc. I don't cry much--I'm not a crier, as it just gives me a headache and never makes me feel better--but the tears are never far away.

I have been trying to get out of the house nearly every day, which is a HUGE increase over before, when my husband met most of my very limited social needs. I think the worst has been trying to kick the ennui and really enjoy the time we DO have together when my husband is home. Does anyone have any advice on making that transition?

That was how I was the last few months of his deployment. My house was a disaster, I rarely cooked, and I was just a blah mess.
I wish I had some advice for you for the reunion part, but ours are very different from yours, and would do you no good Although talking about things is important, no matter what the situation. If he comes home and wants to rest, and you want him to get you a 30 minute break from mommying, and you both get mad at each other, well, it will just ruin the whole weekend.
I try to not look into the future too far, because even one month left of a bad situation is still one whole month. Day by day is my motto.