How to be an introvert in an extroverted world...

[Pumpkin_Pie]

So, my best friend is an extrovert, and I am an introvert. I absolutely need alone time every day in order to not feel completely, overwhelmingly exhausted. Our kids are 7 months apart and best friends as well, so we spend a great deal of time together, and for the most part, it is really fun.

Last weekend, we went on a four day whirlwind trip to Boston together and spent every single second of every day and night together. It was fun, the kids had a blast, but I was really starting to feel worn down by the end. I had to go back to work the day after we got home, and was really wishing I could have a day off. My friend thought I was just exaggerating how I was feeling and said that if I had the option of a day alone after a vacation to go to work, I shouldn't do it, because that time was better spent at wherever I was actually vacationing. I tried to explain to her that I just needed that time to decompress, and she disagreed with me.

Today, (two days after getting home), we were supposed to meet up to go to Ben and Jerry's free cone day (read tons of people, loud music, etc). She got there ahead of us, and held a place in line. I didn't feel comfortable cutting in line, and was irritated that she didn't wait for us. She was irritated that we wouldn't just get in line with her when she had held a place for us. I was already stressed out because I still don't feel back to normal after our trip, so I just said, "I am stressed out and angry at you, but everything will be ok in a little while" and went to the back of the line.

We caught up to her after we got out ice cream, and she again brought up why it was silly of me not to get in line with her and I again said that I didn't feel comfortable getting in line in front of people and she got even more frustrated. I was so completely overwhelmed that I almost started crying. I was sitting in a very large crowd of people with very loud music blaring, having to almost shout to be heard. I said I needed to go outside because I was getting overwhelmed. She took it completely personally and got even angrier.

It was all a complete misunderstanding on both of our parts, and now I can't figure out how to sort it out. She is very much an extrovert, and I am very much an introvert. She can't understand how I can feel so overwhelmed by going out into crowds, and how that can make a misunderstanding so much harder for me to deal with. I just don't understand how she can disregard my experiences so completely. (feeling that cutting in line is not ok, and needing to not be in the middle of a big crowd)

I also have something coming up this weekend that I don't know how to deal with. Our church is having a baby sitting fund raiser that goes from 6-9pm for $5, which is a great deal, and I wanted to take advantage of it. My friend found out, and immediately said, "We can go out and have a drink and go dancing or find some live music to listen to!" I agreed that it could be fun, and said I would go. Now that I think more about it, I would love to just go to a movie by myself and just recharge my batteries. It is the day before my birthday, so it is a birthday treat for me (going out to have a drink, dance, etc), but now I am feeling like it wouldn't be a treat at all. I am absolutely dreading it and really feeling like I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE going out alone, or even with her to a movie, as long as we could just sit there quietly and watch the movie, but I feel like if I asked her to change the plans now, she would have her feelings hurt.

I also have a friend who has asked to come and stay with me for the weekend because a relative of hers died. She will be driving about five hours with a four week old and a nine year old and most likely staying from Friday until Sunday. I do have an extra room for her to stay in, but I will need to do quite a bit of cleaning in order to feel comfortable for her to stay here. I also already have plans on Saturday evening (above), DS has swimming lessons on Saturday morning, I have to work on Saturday and also on Sunday for a couple of hours each morning too. I just feel like I just had a very stressful, activity packed weekend, and now am heading straight into another.

Ack!!! How to deal???

[Olma]

I'm sorry you are so stressed Being an introvert myself I can completely sympathize with how you feel. I think it’s great that you recognize your needs and you are clear why you feel this way. It took me a long time to figure it out for myself and lost a friend over this divide.
The situation was pretty similar, she had many things planned for us over a week time and I was feeling overwhelmed with her presence and I got physically sick. She didn’t understand me, took it very personally and now we’re not talking (I think if she was really a friend she could have at least listened to my apology and we could have moved on, but that’s another story)

I would suggest that you write an email to your friend explaining exactly what you wrote here, how you function and how this is affecting you and your stress level. Ask her if you could do the movie for Saturday night and maybe at another time the club.

In the end it’s your birthday, not hers and you should be the one picking up the activity. Or whatever you want to do. Remember, you have the same rights in this friendship as she does, you should too get your needs met.
I’m not saying she is a bad friend; maybe she genuinely doesn’t understand you and doesn’t see how you don’t thrive on loud and crowded like she does but quite the opposite. Give her a chance to see things from your point of view. Just explain to her and try to stay in the "I"s and not be judgmental of her.

Oh, I can totally understand, I wish your friend does too.

Good luck with everything. Is there any way out of the company coming on the week-end? Is there something you can do starting now to prepare so you are not resenting her presence in your house? I think it’s best to just come out and say you can’t have her over than for her to come and feel unwelcome because you have your own issues going on.

Hugs again!

[prone_to_wander]

I am a total extrovert. I need no down time from people at all. Like, 0.

My DH on the other hand is very much an introvert. It took me a while to realize that I need to give him space. Any time he tried to pull away from me to spend time alone, I got quite hurt that he didn't want to be with me. I also really take things personally and couldn't understand why he needed space.

Doing personality questionaires helped. We talked about how different he was from me. I also saw him constantly falling asleep at parties that I was totally charged up about.

I think in the end, you need to take care of yourself. And your friend needs to understand that you aren't trying to avoid her, you just need time to youself. It seems like she isn't really listening to you when you tell her that you need downtime from your weekend away, or that you'd prefer to do something quiet instead. Try and change the way you're phrasing things so she can understand where you are coming from. And then, I'd stick by your guns and let her know that it is too mcuh for you. As your friend, she should try and understand. IMO

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Thanks so much for the responses. It is so hard to explain it all to her, but I think that maybe an email would be a good place to start. I do want to smooth things over so we can do something on Saturday evening while our kids are in childcare, and I also want her to come over on Sunday for our birthday dinner and presents for my DS. It just wouldn't be the same for DS if his best friend wasn't there, and I would be super sad as well if she wasn't there.

I am not sure how she would react to an email, but I know that it would allow me to organize my thoughts a bit better before talking to her in person. I have a tendency to get a bit overwhelmed when we have a disagreement and I forget things that I wanted to say and usually end up feeling like I haven't been heard. Maybe I will try to write my email here before I send it.

I am not sure about what to do with my friend who is coming for the weekend. I am pretty sure her family will want to see her new baby that they haven't met yet, and I don't know when, or what day the funeral for her uncle is on yet, so she won't be around the entire time. I also think I will just tell her that I need to do the things I had already planned, and she is welcome to join me for some them, or not, but I need to keep my plans.

I am definitely feeling a little better this morning, and am sure I will feel even better about it all tomorrow. It is amazing what a little down time will do to help me to feel more clear headed.

Off to work on that email!

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Ok, here goes...

Dear E,

I know that writing an email is a little impersonal, but I wanted to get my thoughts down in an organized way in order to help me to figure out exactly what I needed to say. I really want to clear up the misunderstanding that we had yesterday in order for us to still get together Saturday night and for the potluck dinner at my apartment on Sunday for Griffin's birthday.

I want to apologize for the misunderstanding about how and when we would meet up for Free Cone Day yesterday. I didn't understand that we would be meeting downtown, and when I went to your house, that made me late to get down to Church Street. I appreciate that you hopped in line in order to get us through the line more quickly so that we could just get in line with you when we got down there. There was no way for you to know that I wouldn't feel comfortable getting in line ahead of people. It was a misunderstanding that there was no way of knowing about ahead of time. I do understand that you felt that you were holding our place in line, and that other people were doing it, but I still felt uncomfortable about it.

Once Griffin and I got our cone and were able to sit down with you, I was already feeling completely frazzled. It was a LOT of people, and the music inside was very loud. I was feeling overwhelmed and not really wanting to sit inside anyway. I did want to chat with you and have the boys play, but I didn't realize just how loud it would be, and how much the crowd was affecting me. I am so drained by crowds of people, and was still very much feeling the drain of our weekend. I wasn't able to really say what I meant to say, and was very much feeling like I just wanted to run out of there due to our disagreement and the crowds combined. I wanted to sort things out with you, but it was such a hard space for me to be in that it was very difficult for me to even sit there, much less think about what I wanted to say.

I have such a hard time in social situations and I need downtime every day, even if it is only an hour or two, but when I don't have any, it affects me for a very long time and it can be hard for me to feel back to myself. Our trip to Boston was so much fun, and the boys had a blast. It is the first time I have gone away on a "vacation" in so long (not counting visiting J at Christmas). I learned a few things that I will definitely do the next time, like taking a day off after I get back in order to get back in my own head before trying to go back to my daily life, and taking a little time each day to just go off alone or with just Griffin in order to keep my energy levels up. I loved doing everything that we did, I just need a little more downtime that I didn't plan for. I take full responsibility for not talking to you about it while we were in Boston, and honestly, I didn't even realize why I was feeling so stressed out and exhausted by the end. Now that I realize what was happening, I think that it would be pretty easy to head off the next time.

I hope this helps to make things a little more clear, and I really do want to apologize for misunderstanding the plan for Free Cone Day yesterday. I am still feeling frazzled from last weekend, and a little stressed about J coming this weekend when what I really need is more downtime. I am sorry that I took that stress out on you, I didn't mean to, and want you to know that you are my best friend and I care about you and M like you are my family. I want to find a way to clear this up so that we can enjoy the birthday weekend coming up without any remaining resentment or hurt feelings. It just wouldn't be a celebration if you two weren't able to come.

I am so sorry that I hurt you.

Kim

[Olma]

I think you wrote a very sensible letter. I really hope your friend could see things through your eyes. Maybe you can start your letter to her with this, from your first post. I really liked how you summed up your point:

I am an introvert. I absolutely need alone time every day in order to not feel completely, overwhelmingly exhausted. Our kids are 7 months apart and best friends as well, so we spend a great deal of time together, and for the most part, it is really fun.


And then continue to your letter.

Best of luck, let us know how it goes!

[tinybutterfly]

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Here is a link to an online Meyer's Briggs test that is free.

It's not perfect, but could maybe help if you and your friend took it and could compare results.

It will explain the differences between the two of you and maybe then she can SEE, because it's written out, that you NEED time to yourself, even though she doesn't because she is an extrovert.

Good luck!

In college I had a good guy friend I did a lot with. I am an extrovert, but he is an EXTROVERT. He wore me out and I ended up in tears. I had to explain to him that I could not run, run, run everyday and everynight. I needed some quiet time ( I really am barely an extrovert.)


P.S. Very nice letter.

[honey-lilac]

I didn't read all the replies, but I feel you.

Once I was reading this blog (Down to Earth, do you read it?) and there was an entry on it about "closing one's gates." The lady has very friendly neighbors who often visit. Whenever they feel the need for privacy, they simply close their gates and the neighbors know that they are not up for visiting. They might be ill, stressed, whatever. It's not taken personally by anyone. She wrote that after going to her daughter's wedding or on some other occasions when she went to the city and got stressed out, she was going to "close her gates" for a few days - including taking a few days from blogging / emailing / forums.

I try to make my home a sanctuary as much as possible and often when I'm stressed out I "close my gates" - even though we don't have any real-life gates. I basically cut off contact with people and delay errands. I retreat home to recharge. I usually emerge after a day or two feeling much better.

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

I didn't read all the replies, but I feel you.

Once I was reading this blog (Down to Earth, do you read it?) and there was an entry on it about "closing one's gates." The lady has very friendly neighbors who often visit. Whenever they feel the need for privacy, they simply close their gates and the neighbors know that they are not up for visiting. They might be ill, stressed, whatever. It's not taken personally by anyone. She wrote that after going to her daughter's wedding or on some other occasions when she went to the city and got stressed out, she was going to "close her gates" for a few days - including taking a few days from blogging / emailing / forums.

I try to make my home a sanctuary as much as possible and often when I'm stressed out I "close my gates" - even though we don't have any real-life gates. I basically cut off contact with people and delay errands. I retreat home to recharge. I usually emerge after a day or two feeling much better.

What a lovely post!

[azgirl]

I am an off-the-charts introvert too, most people don't realize it because I am very outgoing and social when I DO choose to hang out with people, but I need HOURS to myself everyday to be at my best. Also, I decline invites even if I'm free just because I have too much going on that week/day/month. In reading your post, I don't think it is your introversion that is leading to conflict so much as your need to please people and not upset a dear friend. As I have gotten older I have realized the irony that people respond pretty well to direct and bold assertions from me better than apologetic explanations. In the past I would have just gone out drinking/dancing to please a friend and then been miserable and moody (for me the dark side of introversion is extreme moodiness, ugh, working on that!!) but now I just phone and simply say: hey, I am not in the mood to go out drinking and dancing, I would rather go to a movie. Do you want to go to a movie with me? In a really upbeat and positive tone. I get super overwhelmed by noise, so if it's too noisy where I am sitting I will cheerfully gather things up and move. Like "oh my goodness, it is WAY too loud in here for me, let's go outside!!" but in a fun and upbeat tone of voice. So far having clearer boundaries and doing what is right for me has lead to me having MORE friends and deeper friendships. That does mean I have to tolerate some static sometimes from people I care about, learning to tolerate that has helped so much!

Now, even though I am in my 30s I still struggle with realizing that I am overwhelmed until AFTER I've gotten moody and unpleasant...but I've gotten better only by listening to my inner voice and trying to put my needs first. Now, I think it's possible that I come off as more selfish now, but I have a lot of close friends now, where I used to be pretty lonely when I was a people-pleaser. You are obviously doing a lot of things right because it sounds like you have a lot of people who want to spend time with you! But you feel stressed so you need to find the balance.

I guess what I have realized is this: being introverted doesn't have to cause problems, which is good because we can't actually change our level of introversion. Moodiness, people-pleasing, not having clear boundaries, doing things we know are going to stress us out DO cause problems, but YAY those things are fixable!!

Your email is so good! Let us know how it all works out.

[Vaske]

This is a popular article about introverts.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

There's a good support thread here too with tons of good commiseration/advice!

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1039645

[LauraLoo]

Another introvert here - and married to an extravert.

You may want to ask your friend how she would feel if she spent a day entirely by herself with no contact with anyone - not online, cell, texting, etc. Add into it that she couldn't listen to any music or television - it has to be quiet. Likely she wouldn't like this scenario at all and feel the need to get out and see someone, turn on the jams ASAP because she would need it to feel energized and normal. Tell her the opposite is true for you, that you need the peace and quiet to become energized and comfortable.