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Am I being unreasonable by not letting dd in my in-laws' home? *update in post #70* - Page 4

post #61 of 85
I believe it's unanimous that you are not being unreasonable. The big debate seems to be over what people feel you should do regarding your in laws problem with hoarding. I only post because I think that your family relationships are so important, and will be for a very long time, so I don't think that calling animal control would be a good idea. Or perhaps I should say, it's probably a "good idea" that will likely have some very "bad" unintended side effects. It could not only damage your marriage, but your relationship with your in laws, and thus your DD's relationship with her grand parents.
They clearly need help, that much is obvious, and the cats are clearly not living in a healthy environment... but I still think that it would be best to deal with the problem without calling animal control. Counseling could be a good way to go, and/or a good heart to heart with the in laws (with hubby's help ideally). It would also probably help if you found some way to "give" something here too; since taking your daughter to their house is not an option, possibly there is some sort of token gesture that you could make to demonstrate that you are trying to reach a positive solution. If DH's parents think that there is a rift between you and them that is keeping their grand daughter from them, they will be upset and hurt... and that very well be an additional obstacle to dealing with the root problem. They have an addiction, and they need help.
Good luck
post #62 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by JB1972 View Post
I believe it's unanimous that you are not being unreasonable. The big debate seems to be over what people feel you should do regarding your in laws problem with hoarding. I only post because I think that your family relationships are so important, and will be for a very long time, so I don't think that calling animal control would be a good idea. Or perhaps I should say, it's probably a "good idea" that will likely have some very "bad" unintended side effects. It could not only damage your marriage, but your relationship with your in laws, and thus your DD's relationship with her grand parents.
They clearly need help, that much is obvious, and the cats are clearly not living in a healthy environment... but I still think that it would be best to deal with the problem without calling animal control. Counseling could be a good way to go, and/or a good heart to heart with the in laws (with hubby's help ideally). It would also probably help if you found some way to "give" something here too; since taking your daughter to their house is not an option, possibly there is some sort of token gesture that you could make to demonstrate that you are trying to reach a positive solution. If DH's parents think that there is a rift between you and them that is keeping their grand daughter from them, they will be upset and hurt... and that very well be an additional obstacle to dealing with the root problem. They have an addiction, and they need help.
Good luck
I guess I am going to disagree with not alerting animal control for risk of causing strife in the family. It is extremely cruel to those animals to live in those conditions and very dangerous to your ILs. I would call animal control on my own mother if I had to. If she needs to she can make an anonymous call and they will still check it out. Animal control routinely does that.

Honestly OP I just wouldn't be able to even speak to them knowing how those animals are living (let alone the poor ILs) and not doing anything about it. As an animal lover this is what would make me pull away from them, never mind them pulling away from you because of hurt feelings.

Like a PP said, I would call animal control myself if you gave me their information.

I don't know if that sounds harsh or not? It is a really tough situation to be in all the way around. I think their feelings are going to be hurt a little bit no matter what happens y/k?
post #63 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magali View Post
Um, I have 4 cats and as much as I love them, sometimes I can't stand it. It is no easy task making sure that my house isn't destroyed by them and is clean. A house with 32 cats..... You are not in any way shape or form being unreasonable.
I have 4 cats too and it's a lot of work. I love them but often wish I did not rescue 4 cats.

I skimmed the responses and there's one thing I don't understand--everyone assumes animal control will solve the problem? Our animal control (in Kentucky) says there is no law about how many cats one person can have if they are feeding all of them. You could call and they could very well do nothing about it.

I called animal control because a lady down the street had 20+ cats--many lining the windows inside, many outside roaming around her home. The smell in the summer was SO bad, like cat poop and dead animal bodies. It made my DD dry heave as a baby when we walked past! Animal control went in with hazmat suits, and they said that since the cats were all fed there was nothing they could do.

The sad thing is the couple that lived there were actually very nice. I later met them and became sort of friends, though I never went inside their home. They took the kittens of feral cats from around town and got them fixed then tried to find them homes or tried to re-release them once they could no longer reproduce...
post #64 of 85
Even if they can't do anything, it'd put them on the radar as a place that's had a complaint.

Also, the in laws might be living in a state with a health department that would address the unsanitary conditions of the home even if animal control has a policy about only intervening if the animals aren't fed.
post #65 of 85
I'd tell them she's allergic to cats. They can't argue with that. After all, contact with that many cats could make her very ill.
post #66 of 85
I'd be setting up boundaries with dh regarding this issue and I wouldn't be budging. It is perfectly acceptable that you would not want your daughter there, let alone any human being.

I'd find someone (PM the poster who offered!) to call AC if i was afraid to do it.

Where I live animals in that condition would very likely be removed. There are laws about vaccines and an infestation of fleas would constitute neglect.

I'd have my ILs over and meet at neutral locations.

I would be in counseling with my dh to work through how this has affected him.

I really hope they get help.
post #67 of 85
Have your DH read this thread, or at least refer him to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

in particular go down to the heading about animal hoarding, involves keeping larger than usual numbers of animals as pets without having the ability to properly house or care for them, while at the same time denying this inability. ...
post #68 of 85
I just want to say that NO WAY would that be ok with me and I've had many animals. At one point, we had 4 cats and 3 dogs. It was exhausted and we now have none. Eventually, when my son is bigger we may get 1 or 2 but that is IT.

As for your situation, I believe you should first call animal control and report them. I'm sorry but this is a very serious situation for their health and the animals. Then I would talk to you husband about marriage counseling.

Any updates on the situation?
post #69 of 85
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_hoarding
A more in-depth article on animal hoarding...
post #70 of 85
Thread Starter 
I've definitely drawn my line. And dh agrees, but still thinks its ok for them to have them. The cats are all well fed and none of them are sick, though the living stuation is just gross.

My mother called the health department and they said that nothing can be done since there are no minor children living in the household.

I want my daughter to have a good relationship with them, so we have them over for dinner every sunday. But thats starting to bother me a bit because theyre very dirty people, and fil steps on dd's play mat with dirty shoes so i have to clean as soon as they leave and not put her on it while theyre here, and mil holds dd and when she gives her back she smells like cats. it grosses me out.

dh and i have talked about counciling, and we're going to do it, but he says he wont even mention it to his folks, because hes sure that if we mention it to his father he'll never speak to him again.
post #71 of 85
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.
post #72 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssh View Post
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.
post #73 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by K1329 View Post
n of any kind. My friend DID send her dd over there and now seriously regrets it. Her dd was scratched by one of the cats and developed "cat scratch fever". She spent 2 weeks in the hospital and may have permanent kidney damage. If it were me, there's no way I would back down on this issue.
I always thought it was just a song until my cousin got it. She was trying to feed a ferral cat, and it scratched her. The illness is no joke. It's serious and painful!

I love cats. We had 6 at one time. I think when you have 32 indoors, though, you're crossing a line into issues that need to be addressed.
post #74 of 85
I would have them take off their shoes! Our guests remove them at the door, because it's a good way to reduce the amount of lead dust that gets tracked into your house. Tell them you read this article, and that you want to protect your baby. Everyone knows how bad lead exposure is for children.

And, uh, your pediatrician says that everyone needs to wash their hands before they hold the baby. Yes, even though she's not a newborn anymore. I don't know what you can do about the cat smell though. Yuck.
post #75 of 85
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssh View Post
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.
except for between cleaning up after dirty shoes and smelling fil's feet (like i said, theyre filthy people), i choose cleaning up
post #76 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrittneyMarie View Post
except for between cleaning up after dirty shoes and smelling fil's feet (like i said, theyre filthy people), i choose cleaning up
Some households with the no-shoe rule have slipper for the guests. If you got a few pair of guest slippers and bought a "special" pair for your fil that matched one of his interests it might be a way to avoid both problems.
post #77 of 85
Whoa. Yeah, I'd definitely be trying to meet at a park or something. Ew.

And I had two cats (one just passed away recently from old age), and have lived with cats all my life. I'm definitely a cat person, but cats aren't supposed to SMELL bad, imo...
post #78 of 85
Can you put her play mat up before they get there to cut down a little on your post visit cleanup? I really can't believe that there is no regulation against having that many cats in your home.

...and if they have fleas they are not healthy and with the fleas comes worms which are definitely not healthy for your dd.
post #79 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssh View Post
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.
This is our rule too.
post #80 of 85
there's no way I woudl let dc go to a place like that!

We have family friends that own a small farm and I would love to take dc BUT the farmers wife has gone a little off the deep end and has been keeping cats in the house, and last time my family told me she's in the high 20s. Theres no way I would go in there let alone take my kids..and these people live in a massive farm house, not a double wide.
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