How do you feel sexy?

[angelandmisha]

How do you manage to still feel sexy and desirable when you're not happy with what you're seeing in the mirror? I'm struggling with this and would really like some help. I need to lose some weight, at least 25lbs, preferably 40. I have always struggled with my weight, but I've not weighed this much before not pregnant. I lost all my pregnancy weight, but this past summer just put on 15lbs seemingly overnight(I think in about 2 weeks! Yikes!). And I'm still nursing our 2 1/2 year old if that matters. But my question is not really about weight. I'm trying to do something about my weight but I am realizing that my feelings about myself are holding me back.

I notice that I am constantly feeling fat and dumpy and bummed out about it. It's like the filter through which everything passes and it sucks. I wish it wasn't such a constant negative thought! I didn't used to feel this way so much. My sexual relationship with dh has never been a main feature of our relationship and I have always wished for more in that area(he does too!). In all my past relationships this was exactly opposite- sex featured prominently, almost to
the exclusion of everything else. Dh and I are very compatible and love each other's company. I think we could have good chemistry- it started out that way but for odd complicated reasons got sort of put on hold in favor of building a solid foundation for our relationship and delaying sex. And now I don't really know how to go back or reintroduce that aspect. So it sounds like another matter entirely but I don't feel very confident about my appearance right now and it's making it hard for me to approach him sexually.

Does anybody know how I feel? Do you have any advice? I know eat right, exercise, lose weight, but I look around and see lots of people who don't strike me as perfect weight seeming like they're not bothered by it and full of self-confidence. What's the secret? What can I do? I know confidence is attractive, I used to have it. How can I find it again?

[Starflower]

I don't have any answers or advice for you, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying.

[Freedom~Mama]

I can also relate. I am newly separated so for me it is a struggle to find my own identity and find out what makes me happy. When I am happy I feel sexy.

[jess_paez]

when i feel strong i feel sexy. i feel like i can stand up straight and that comes with working out... i know, i know, but it also releases endorphins and makes me happy, sleep better, and be in a better mood.

[The Amber Lily]

For me, it was quite a journey to change my perspective. The first part was becoming somewhat indifferent to the fact that my appearance didn't line up with what I thought beauty was. If I was going to be alive, I wanted to be useful and help people, and I didn't have to look like a movie star every day (or any day) to do that. So, get dressed, fix my hair, put on a little makeup, and forget it - just do my work and get on with my life. Be kind to people, be interested in people. Then, learning to be happy with myself part by part, lol.

Do you like your feet or hands? Admire them and see the beauty in them. The integrity of the skin, the workings of the muscles and bones, isn't it amazing that they work so well and look so good! Admire your body and appreciate it, in form and function. Your tummy and breasts are amazing. They have carried and nourished children, and they have done it well. Thank them, appreciate them. Be thankful for how your body does look and work, even if its not quite what you would like.

Then, realizing that the images I would compare myself to are fake. Magazines, movies, even some other women. If I had the money for clothes and lotions and the people to fix my hair and do my makeup, yes I would look like that every day too. Not to mention digital editing. One of the eye openers for me was seeing my own photo in an editing program after my husband clicked a preset button, and seeing it become the image off the cover of a magazine. Do you see what I mean? If they are 'beautiful' after all that, and we would look the same given the same opportunity, then we are all on the same playing field. So, we are all beautiful just as we are.

The next thing for me was accepting how my husband sees me. He has always thought that I'm beautiful, and after 4 years together I could finally see it and be comfortable with it on a daily basis. (Not just when I happened to be in a good mood.) If I married him, don't I trust him? And if I trust him and think he's intelligent, couldn't I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful? If I don't, am I saying that he doesn't know what he's talking about? Does your husband think you're beautiful? Believe it, and claim it for yourself.

Little by little apply 'beautiful' in your thoughts to what the mirror shows you. And where you just can't accept it, let it go. It doesn't need to matter. Love your husband. Act like you would act if you looked the way you want to look. Act like you would expect a confident woman to act.

I can't finish without saying this: God also helps here. He made you so carefully and knit you together, and it's amazing! There is beauty simply in that. Then, there is an example in the book of Ezekiel, chapter 16 of how God takes us when we are at our lowest point, helpless and hopeless, picks us up, and makes us into something radiant. He heals us and gives us meaning, which lets us accept ourselves, which makes us happy, which gives us confidence and a more beautiful beauty than just an airbrushed magazine cover. This has been my experience. So, you can ask Him all of these things as well.

[lilmom]

I have really been feeling what you are feeling the past several months.

Prior to having DS, and even AFTER having him, I was tiny. I was in shape, and I was a size 2..and I felt great. I felt sexy. (I also modelled when I was younger..and YES airbrushing and all the edits they can do are crazy!)

Anyway, in the past year, I have gained and gained. I now am 20 lbs MORE than I was when I was 9 months pregnant! I need to lose at least 30 pounds. 40 would put me back at what I would normally weigh. I have struggled and struggled with this because I am eating super healthy, exercising, and trying to take care of myself in every way. But I just don't feel sexy. I even went to the doc and had all kinds of tests because I don't understand why I can't lose weight. They told me of course that I am perfectly healthy. Sigh.

So, I promised myself that I would try harder to feel good about myself. And I went and got my hair done about a month ago, something I hadn't done since before DS. And I felt GREAT just doing that. I also got a really high-quality wrinkle cream and eye cream. (Well, as high quality as I could afford! Lol) That has really been making me feel good too. I also am hoping to get some new pretty clothes. This part is really super hard because I nearly cry every time I try on clothes and see how many sizes I have gone up, and I don't feel that anything looks good anymore. But honestly, wearing sweats all the time is not sexy. I need something else.

Now those are all superficial things, and I realize that. The internal part is much harder. Loving yourself, realizing that you ARE beautiful and sexy, and that your DH does love you even if you aren't "physically perfect". There is a really good song by India Arie called Video. If you haven't heard it, get it! Download it now! It's basically all about loving your body just like it is. And it is really uplifting to me.

I also think just trying to remember that feeling of when you and DH were first together, that helps. But I know it's hard. I feel your pain!

I loved what pp said though about acting like you would act before. That is excellent advice. I am going to work on that. GL to you!

[nj's_mom]

I struggle with this as well ... I'm constantly thinking of ways to "improve" myself, always on the quest to loose the weight, change my hair, change my style, change my look ... sometimes I just sit back on my heels and say, wait a minute. Do I NEED to be all done up/stylish/super skinny to be beautiful?! Am I even HAPPY that way?! The answer is mostly, no. It takes SO much energy/time/money to be like that.

I think starting to take care of yourself, softly and consistently, is a good first step (if you aren't already).

[Magelet]

subbing to come back and post after work

[HeliMom]

For me, hula hoop dancing helps. Sounds silly but yeah getting my hips working makes me feel very womanly. I found my libido is directly connected to how much I exercise. After a week of hooping for at least an hour a day I feel like a goddess. When I don't for a while because I get too busy, I really start to notice how frumpy I feel.

Also try making a home movie or slideshow of sexy pics of yourself. Not to share unless you want to. I find when do this I start seeing myself as more attractive because I'm looking for and focusing on what I like about myself. I sometimes leave them in places for DH to find when I'm having a good self image day and want some quality time.

[angelandmisha]

Wow

Wow! Thank you all SO much for responding and sharing about your own struggles, it is so helpful!

The Amber Lily: what an amazing, hearfelt and beautiful post! Thank you for taking the time to say all of that! I try not to compare myself to magazines and I understand how untrue those pictures are, but it's still hard. I do know there are great parts to me- in fact I do love my hands! And really, I do think
I'm pretty, I just don't always feel like it, yk? Silly. I love what you said about what my tummy and breasts have done for my child- it truly is awesome, awe-inspiring and amazing to try to comprehend that my body made this incredible person that is my beautiful child! I also really loved what you said about God having knit me together this way- I think it's well past time for me to get back to having much more of a spiritual life than I do now. I need to reconnect with a worship community- that has always given me much more peace and strength. Thank you for that reminder. I thought your entire post was just really one of the best I've read!!

Lilmom: your post was wonderful as well! Thank you for sharing your struggles and history. I used to work in cosmetics and have always adored makeup and clothes and looking nice so I understand what you're talking about. It's really hard. I have been trying to pay more attention to myself lately because I know I feel better when I get a chance to do my makeup(and take a shower!). I made an appointment today for a mani/pedi/brow wax and lash dye tomomorriw and I know I'll feel prettier after being pampered a bit. Now if I could just get a good haircut. And I did go check out that song you suggested and decided to download the whole album! I should listen to more music, I really enjoy it and just haven't listened much since getting married and having a baby. Music does help me feel mire sensual and I miss that!

And who said about trusting and believing your husband? (I'm typing on my iPhone and it's so small and hard to go back and read the other posts!) I think that is great advice! Along with the advice for me to behave as if I looked the way I want to. Excellent suggestion- I know that will make a difference! Thank you!

I love this! Thank you! Thank you! This is so uplifting to have all of you respond and be able to get such great advice and different perspectives! It's like having a bunch of really sweet, smart girlfriends to talk to! And I live the hula hoop method! Whatever can get your hips moving has got to make you feel sexy!

Thank you again! I hope you're all having a wonderful evening!

[Magelet]

I've definitely struggled with this somewhat lately. It has less to do with weight for me as I'm at a good weight, and more to do with new modest dress. I've been dressing modestly, which is nice, however by covering my body more, and my hair, and not dressing sexy, I found my self-image of myself as a sexual being depleated.

I've noticed that excerise definitely helps, because probably partly endorphins, and moving your body helps me feel better and more physical.

-wearing sexy panties(doesn't have to be a thong (painful) or lacy or something. Even bright red panties can be fun ), even if my outer clothes are modest and/or frumpy, makes me feel sexier all day long.

-Wearing sexy clothes around the house more, even if I don't wear them out

-paying attention to how I dress. Modest being a nice shirt and skirt and hair scarf that match and look put together, rather than a skirt, too big t-shirt and standard red bandana. etc.

-wearing some short sleeves outside to feel the sun on my skin

-wearing my hair down and curly, or in updo's at home. To me, my hair is by far the most sexual/sexy part of me (way way beyond my breasts or genitals), which is part of the reason I cover my hair. However, by doing it to best sexy/beautiful advantage at home for me and DP makes a HUGE difference in how I feel. Maybe your sexiest part is your legs/hands/feet/eyes/hair/breasts/whatever. pamper it, preen it, pay attention to it.

It's been a progressively easier spiral. If I feel a little sexy, it's easier to pick out an outfit vs clothes. If I'm feeling a little sexier, I want to preen and play with my hair til it's shining and lovely and super sexy. If I'm feeling sexier, I want to be more physical (be active, spend time in the sun, etc. I love laying in the sun indoors on the floor, sprawled out naked/partially clothed. It's so sensual and warm and comfy)

[lakeruby]

I think your body image probably has a lot to do with your feelings of sexual distance from your DH. I have totally been there!

I agree with the previous posters-- movement is key. Not just for the health and weight benefits, but also for the mental benefits! I notice that on days when I walk to work (and thus get an hour or so a day of good, fast walking) I feel like a different person. I feel kind of like I'm glowing, almost! I tend to be very lazy when it comes to exercising for the sake of exercise, so walking with the purpose to get somewhere is important for me, or I just won't do it enough!

I also think that sexy underwear helps, although I currently don't have any that are comfortable enough to wear daily. I am planning to do some (ugh) shopping in the near future, though!

I loved what The Amber Lily wrote, and I especially liked the part about acting with the confience you believe you would feel if you looked the way you want to look. It's kind of like the "smile and world smiles with you" thing-- if you act confident, confidence will come! I am struggling with/working ont his myself.

Thanks for a great thread!

[sarahn4639]

I agree with much of what's been suggested. I think belly dancing is another great activity to increase sensuality if you are able to find a class or something nearby.

I totally agree with the acting confident suggestion. I call it "acting as if" and I do it often, it really helps my confidance in a variety of situations.

One other thing I'd suggest that hasn't been mentioned is positive self talk. It can be hard to get started on and often feels really awkward and silly when you start, but it has proven benefits. It helps change the way your brain processes things. remember that our brains best understand the positive. Example: Say "I love water and it satifies my thirst" rather than "I won't drink pop" or "I love being physical/intimate with my partner, I desire him and want to express it physically" rather than "I won't have a headache tonight, I won't fall asleep early, etc"

[Saarland]

I think it is the number one female problem you are describing. We seem to constantly find things about ourselves, especially our weight, our looks....that do need fixing or at least could be better. And IF we would be slim, or had a smaller nose, or smaller hips or bigger boobs or (fill in the blank) we could finally be happy, sexy, desirable....

Learning how to love and accept yourself is a lesson we all have to learn I guess.

You know, I have never felt comfortable with my body until I was pregnant for the first time! I did not really have weight problems, although I have to be careful, because I can gain fast. But I had always problems with my skin. And somehow I always felt stiff and awkward in my own body and did not know how to move freely. It all changed when I was pregnant. I suddenly felt strong, sexy, confident. I do not even know what made the difference or what cost the shift in my thinking. And then I had this great homebirth and I felt even better and yes, very sexy. My sex life had never been better either. It was as if people around me responded to the way I felt about myself. I started hearing compliments and compliments, although I had not changed anything about my looks. It really shows how you do feel about yourself.

Unfortunately, this great feeling did not last. I am not unhappy with myself anymore. I do feel sexy and love myself, but I am having bad days again, where I think my hair is just a mess and too thin anyway and I start noticing wrinkels around my eyes or fat on my hips or whatever... But that is okay. I can handle bad days.

Maybe it would be best for you to find something that brings you closer to your body. Something that lets you feel your body. A friend of mine who has been raped and had problems feeling beautiful or even appreciating her body for years found a new sense of strength and beauty through belly dancing. She started a belly dancing class and at first she wanted to quit because she felt clumsy and wrong. But she stayed and now she feels sexy. And she looks very sexy when she dances, too!

I have heard of women who used Aikido to feel strong and proud and great.

Whatever works for you.

As for the sexual relationship.... Why not trying partner massages? I think it is very sexy when my husband massages me. It does not have to lead to sex, but often it does, just because it helps me to relax and to open up and to fully let go.
Therapists in Europe recomment Tango lessons for couples who are having "problems" in their sex life. That sounds great to me. I would love to go Tango dancing and I can see how this might be stimulating!

I have even heard that there are Hypnosis Sessions out now for this. Wendi Friesen has some especially for women who have problems having an orgasm etc. A friend of mine is convinced she needs this CD. I have not listened to it yet, so I cannot really say much about it. But it sounds interesting and fun.

Louise Hay recommends looking in the mirror every day and telling yourself how beautiful you are and that you love yourself fully. Even if it feels as if you are faking it. Why not giving this a shot?

I am sure you are beautfiful ! I am sure you see more flaws in yourself that others would ever notice. Maybe they do not even exist outside of your mind.

My best wishes and hugs to you!

Saskia

[angelandmisha]

Magelet, I'm curious about your new modest dressing. Will you tell me what that is? I've seen it mentioned a couple of times and am getting the idea that it has a more specific meaning? Is it for religious purposes? What made you decide to do it and what do you think the results are? I hope you're still reading, I'm really curious to hear about it. Thanks!

So I had my appontment today for my brow wax/lash dye/mani and pedi and that was really nice. I do feel a bit cuter with my painted toenails. I can't stand looking at my toes unpainted. So I just realized, looking at my toes that they look more like me now. So that got me thinking that maybe I'm just changing(duh, right? Becoming a mom is a big change!) and just haven't quite sorted out who I am in this new role. It occurred to me that maybe I don't know what sexy looks like in this role? Not that I ever consciously thought that a mom shouldn't be sexy, but maybe I'm having a harder time than I thought I would figuring out how it all fits together. Do any of you feel that way? Did the way you thought of yourself as sexy change after becoming a mother? I'm guessing it gets easier as children get older and more independent (and stop nursing!)? Tell me your thoughts/experience. Thank you!

[Magelet]

Modesty has been a gradual change for me. Last winter, I found myself gravitating towards skirts as a style preference, and more modest/old fashioned styles. (I was really really digging the long sleeved (properly fitted but not tight or see through) blouse with a long skirt (particularly my layered green silk skirt). I'd still be digging these things except they are all too big for me now.)

In the spring, I met some other women who covered their heads, and started moving towards that, as I realized that was something I was interested in, and found beautiful and powerful. I'm still figureing out why I feel drawn to cover, but I cover all the time in public now. I also was drawn more towards modesty from talking to all the mama's in the covering thread, and the modest mama's thread here.

for a while, modesty turned to meaning too big t-shirts and long skirts. It was not an attractive look. I think part of it was defensiveness and feeling like I needed to protect myself from the world, particularly with my depression. Now, I've been doing a lot more fitted t-shirts (I still don't have a lot but I have a few more now, and make an effort to choose those) or my few blouses with skirts, and make sure my outfit and my headscarf match, and wear earrings more, which makes a HUGE difference. turns out, I LOVE dangly earrings (I know that isn't a possibility with young nurslings.)

Now, I dress modestly for many reasons. I think it looks prettier, and more respectable. I like to keep somethings private for my partner and I. I will dress in less covering clothing in the few hot days of summer we have where it's so hot and muggy that the more cloth against your skin the more unbearable it is, but in most hot weather, long skirts and shirts (not tight, but light colored, loose) and much cooler.

I have been trying to find the right line for me though between feeling sensual and good in my body, and being modest. I've been finding a comfortable place for me lately.

If you are interested in modesty, check out the modest mamas thread, or I'd be happy to answer more questions.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by angelandmisha

How do you manage to still feel sexy and desirable when you're not happy with what you're seeing in the mirror?

Really, I don't think you can. It's all about what you are telling yourself. Your not happy with what you see, so no you aren't going to feel sexy.

I weigh much more than you. A lot more. And I feel sexy, at least I do when with my husband. Which is what matters. I don't care what strangers think.

[KaylaBeanie]

Realize that you are who you are. You will never be taller, shorter, bigger boned or smaller boned, and short of plastic surgery, your features will always be pretty similar to what they are now. Embrace it! Sure, you can lose weight, and I think that will be good for you from a health and self-confidence standpoint. However, just because you want to lose weight doesn't mean you need to put your life on hold until then. Dress in a way that looks good on you as you lose the weight, get your hair done (even if it's just a cheap cut and box hair dye, it's new and exciting!), wear makeup if that's your thing. I've found that even on days when I'm feeling pretty crummy and ugly, a put-together outfit and a little makeup goes a long way, and makes me feel a thousand times better.

As cheesy as it sounds, sexiness really does start on the inside. It's SO easy to beat ourselves down, and I think that is so sad. Our society places so much emphasis on this unobtainable standard of beauty, and it leaves women feeling substandard. All I can say is fake it until you make it. Write a list of things you like about yourself, both physical and personality-wise, and focus on those. You like your legs? Buy some great heels to show them off, or a great skirt that makes them look awesome. Are you naturally funny? Tell more jokes, people LOVE funny people.

Also focus on things you want to change and can. If you're introverted, work on talking to strangers. You said you wanted to lose weight, so make a great healthy eating and exercise plan and stick to it. By only focusing on what you like about yourself and the things that you can change, you'll hopefully eliminate those nasty thoughts. For instance, I hate my nose more than anything. If someone offered me a free nose job, you can BET I would take it. However, that is really unlikely to ever happen, so I write it off as something I can't change, and as a result, I almost never think about it. It is what it is, and there is no point in letting something you cannot change make you feel unsexy.