"He needs to learn to entertain himself"

[cristeen]

Grandma has been saying this in one form or another since he was about 6 weeks old (he's 6 mos now). Now, he happily does a fair bit of self-entertaining, but when he's cranky or sick, I don't leave him to entertain himself because it will invariably devolve into hysterical crying.

But I'm pretty much at a loss for what to say when she pulls out comments like that. I'm not asking for advice, I'm not even complaining, so it comes out of left field and blind-sides me leaving me mumbling something incoherently...

So help me out with a snappy comeback... something that's not going to alienate grandma but is still going to make it clear that the advice is not needed.

[odoole]

I get that comment too sometimes. This family friend we have who is in her upper 80's marvels in a rather negative way at how much attention DS gets, and always says something to the effect of "when my son was a baby, I just stuck him on a blanket a corner and let him be and fed him every 4 hours ..."

I always say something like, "and he turned out ok!" which is sort of affirming to her, but also implying that my way is better. i guess it's not a very polite thing to say to such an old woman.

i also sometimes say something like "oh, we do it differently these days" as if parenting is a technology that has evolved like analog television to high definition digital, and that she is just so out of touch when it comes to parenting just like she is with everything else. i think that comment is also pretty patronizing and unnecessary.

really, i think the appropriate response is "oh, how interesting!" and change the subject.

[belltree]

Originally Posted by odoole

"when my son was a baby, I just stuck him on a blanket a corner and let him be and fed him every 4 hours ..."

I have heard that too from family members. But, if I ask about details (so you just let him cry his eyes out? what did you do, if he started being unhappy?), it turns out, they didn't really do it, they tried to do it and felt guilty for picking up the child, and tried to postpone the feeding as long as possible etc. It was a goal, but they never really reached it.

[aurora_skys]

"He needs to learn to entertain himself"

Well, yes, he does. All children should develop some capacity to entertain themselves. To always be dependent on others for amusement is a miserable existence. That said, hes six months old!! Sounds like granny is still trapped by those old notions of forcing babies to be independent.

When ppl said that comment to me I would usually agree politely "Yes its been great to watch him learn how to be more independent *big smile* But Im so glad he's still my cuddly baby!"

Just agree and then say something about how pleasant and fleeting infancy is. Repeat often.
Most women know instinctively how tender children are under age1. But when authority figures in your life have stuffed your head full of crap its difficult to not let some of it roll out of your mouth!

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by odoole

"when my son was a baby, I just stuck him on a blanket a corner and let him be and fed him every 4 hours ..."

I know of 2 people that have actually followed through on this.. Their kids (one is now an adult) are NOT fine! Both of them have no ability to bond to other people, zero empathy and are very much so turned off. It's so sad.

[ithappened]

I know of 2 people that have actually followed through on this.. Their kids (one is now an adult) are NOT fine! Both of them have no ability to bond to other people, zero empathy and are very much so turned off. It's so sad

Interesting- the people I know who were raised like this (my FIL and his siblings) are ALL this way- no empathy, turned off and totally isolate themselves from others.. hmm

[hakeber]

Yes, we all need to learn to entertain ourselves, but how many of the adults you know are able to without the aid of TV, a laptop, other interactive device, or drugs and alcohol? Books? Movies? Fine motor skills for drawing, knitting, or building? Talking? Singing? Any of those sound like things your 6 month old can do?

I mean really? Why do so many people expect more out of babies than we do ourselves? Or are we just delusional about how much we really can do?

eta: Next time your MIL says that, just ask her when the last time was that SHE didn't rely on someone else for entertainment? Books? nope written by someone else. TV, movies, internet? All created by someone else for HER entertainment. Get real!

[tzs]

funny as i was just going to say this.
i'm still learning how to entertain myself.

[Novus]

Depending on who I'm talking to, I either just say "Yup," and change the subject or I go with "The doctor said..." For the "He needs to entertain himself" stuff, I usually say something like "The doctor said he's learning to be social, and we should talk to him/play with him a lot!" Luckily, we have a doctor who actually *does* say this stuff. It seems to give our choices a credibility that they wouldn't otherwise have, especially when we (as first time parents) are talking to someone with multiple, grown children who feel that their kids turned out "just fine."

[diana_of_the_dunes]

Ugh, I hate comments like that. We get similar comments when I mention that I carry DS around a lot in the carrier while I do housework or just for the heck of it. You know, because I'll "spoil" him. But then those same people also mention (at a different time) how quickly babies grow up, and how they miss snuggling with their babies. Umm, so why is it bad that I snuggle with mine as much as I can? Do you honestly think I'll regret holding my baby? That I'll look back and say, "Gee, I wish I'd held him less..." Or that my 5 year-old will want to be held every second instead of running amok? *sigh*

Maybe you can just say something about how you think social interaction is more important for him at this point? Maybe encourage Grandma to play with your son? I've noticed that somehow it's okay for other people to entertain/carry/rock your child, but when mama does it, we're "spoiling" them.... Or just smile and say, "He'll get there," or "But I just love spending time with him while he's little," and do whatever you want.

FWIW, I have the same problem with my SIL, but thankfully I don't see her much, and most of the comments are over the phone. THis way I can just say "ok" and ignore her, and she never knows.

[hakeber]

Just say: Yeah, I know, his reading skills are way below par for his age, and he can't draw or make anything! It's pathetic. You wouldn't even want to see his sad excuse for scrapbooking. Looks like a Monkey did it! I'm thinking of having him tested for special needs.

I mean my baby is 2.5 months and she STILL can't type! It's so annoying!

must be an epidemic.

[atlantafemme]

"Thanks for sharing your opinion." I'm assuming adding "It means nothing to me" would be too alienating?

[akat]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Yes, we all need to learn to entertain ourselves, but how many of the adults you know are able to without the aid of TV, a laptop, other interactive device, or drugs and alcohol? Books? Movies? Fine motor skills for drawing, knitting, or building? Talking? Singing? Any of those sound like things your 6 month old can do?

I mean really? Why do so many people expect more out of babies than we do ourselves? Or are we just delusional about how much we really can do?

eta: Next time your MIL says that, just ask her when the last time was that SHE didn't rely on someone else for entertainment? Books? nope written by someone else. TV, movies, internet? All created by someone else for HER entertainment. Get real!

I like this answer...it's like my answer for co-sleeping - I don't sleep alone, why does the little one have to?

[LadyCatherine185]

I am sure when Grandma says "entertain himself" she is talking about with toys, or light up music making bouncy chairs, etc. am I right? At least, that is what my grandma used to insinuate about DS. Not that I should put him on a blanket and ignore him and expect him to just stare into space, but that he should play by himself with toys, etc.

Of course, DS wouldn't entertain himself at ALL until he starte crawl/scooting at 6 months. Even then it was in short spurts.

I would def say something to the effect, like a PP said, that "the doctor says it is very important for us to interact with him so that he develops good social skills." My DS is the most social kid (even his doctor says that he has seen a handful in his 10 years as a ped that are as social) around, and I know some of it is personality, but I'd like to take at least a little credit for giving him a lot of attention and interacting with him!