Feeling frustrated and desperate about potty training

[ilovemygirl]

DD is going to be three years old soon ... in a little less than two months. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of to get her to use the potty. We used rewards, stickers, positive language and cheering when she goes, brought her to the store and let her pick out big girl panties, and on and on and on. I even went the route of just not putting anything on her bottom in hopes that she would be miserable going in her pants or on the floor and she would make the connection but no. She just sits in it and doesn't care. All of her little friends have been using the potty for months if not longer and they show her and still she won't have any of it. She isn't scared. I bought her both a seat for the big toilet and a small potty seat/chair or whatever they are called.
I have seriously been talking to her about the potty for a year! I am exhausted and if I get one more "she'll do it when she's ready" from another mom who's kid just magically peed on the potty one day I will go insane. I'm usually pretty patient but I think there's something to be said for when mommy has gone loooooong beyond ready.
My husband is not AP like me and he thinks we need to go negative and start taking stuff away, like her toys and playdates to force her. I really really don't want to do it but I just don't know what else to do. Waiting until she's in college really isn't an option ...

[BettinaAuSucre]

I can commiserate. DD will be 3 this September and she sits on the potty GREAT but no elimination. She doesn't seem to mind to sit in her diapers all day and i have gotten her a potty chair, a seat for on top of the regular potty. I am fearful to try no diapers because i fear she will just piss all over my home and not care.

I am with you totally. I feel so lame that i hear of 22 month olds doing with seemingly no problem. I love my daughter but she isn't ready for books on potty usage and i dont know else to do. I have just decided to give it a rest, not allowing to feel bad about myself or my mothering abilities.

[Alyantavid]

Is there a reason you can't just drop the whole thing and try again in a few months? I really don't think your husband's idea is a good one at all. Right now, while she may not be using the potty, it doesn't sound like she has any negative reaction to it. If you do what he suggests, it may just backfire and make it that much harder.

[LionTigerBear]

I would relax about it. My oldest son didn't potty train until he was a couple weeks shy of three-- and that happened suddenly and unexpectedly. Literally, just one day he woke up and he was ready. My second son is 3.5 and still working on potty training, taking his own time. I'm not worried about it.

Honestly, when I opened this thread I was expecting to read that you daughter was 4 or something. I think I might start to worry if I had a 4-year-old who was still really struggling with pottying.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Is there a reason you can't just drop the whole thing and try again in a few months? I really don't think your husband's idea is a good one at all. Right now, while she may not be using the potty, it doesn't sound like she has any negative reaction to it. If you do what he suggests, it may just backfire and make it that much harder.

Yeah, I'm not down with your DH's approach either. Negativity and potty training don't go together well. FWIW, I know plenty of kids who didn't potty train until 3.5 or 4. It's not ideal (for the parents, I mean), but a kid's gonna go when a kid's gonna go.

DS was well on his way to potty training by 14 months (we did EC and potty signs), and then all of a sudden wanted NOTHING to do with it. So we just haven't made it an issue, and now at 2 yrs 4 mos he's starting to go on his own. Just out of the blue.

It will happen.

[Plaid Leopard]

You may be ready for her to use the potty, but clearly she is not.

You are causing yourself (and your dd) a lot of unnecessary stress. She will learn to use the potty. It really will happen one day, just like that. She will decide that she wants to go on the potty and she will.

My youngest son potty-learned when he was 2 years old. My middle two learned around 2 1/2 years old. But my oldest was 3. With him, we started trying to PL when he was 18 months. He wasn't ready until he was three. Once he decided to go on the potty he never had an accident. I wish I had just left him alone and followed his cues. What's a couple more months in diapers?

[GuildJenn]

Is there a reason you feel that you're on a deadline with this one?

I know it's annoying to be told to relax when clearly it's a big issue for you. But it sounds like you've been trying a long time. I would take a break of a couple of months, or until the summer, and then try it again then.

I really don't think a just-3 year old is going to make a great connection between the loss of toys or playdates and using the potty.

[velochic]

I don't mean to make you insane , but, yeah, no pressure worked for us. All I did was buy a potty for her and explained what it was. She did it all on her own right at 3 yo., dry from day one, no accidents (maybe 1 nighttime once and that was it). SHE asked to get out of diapers. We had the potty for over 6 mos. when she finally started using it.

I'm sorry, but I see this as just another developmental milestone like walking or talking or losing their first tooth - which you can't reward or bribe to get to happen.

Take a break, she'll figure it out. Good luck!

[betsyj]

I have never really believed a negative helps teach a positive ya know? While this may be a bit simplistic I try to hold fast to this rule and doubly so if it comes to something like potty training.

I am not being snarky at all but WHY does your dd have to be trained at 3? Is there some law I don't know about? Will your badge of being a Good Mama be taken away?

The more pressure and stress you put on her the more she may resist (either passively or not). I am with the PPs'-back off, wait a few months, and try again.

This is not the issue to start getting punitive with and not the issue to introduce this much stress into your dd's life.

[madskye]

I had a really tough time potty training DD. I thought (and still do) that she is a brilliant child and it would be no biggie, and it didn't happen for us until she was almost 3.5. She was absolutely capable, started using the potty at 18 months, but just wasn't interested in the follow through for some time. It turned into a big, horrible power struggle here and was honestly one of the worst parenting things I've dealt with so far. If I could do it over again, I would have just kept her in pull ups til she begged me for undies and waited it out. I bet it would have happened on the same time frame without me feeling like a bully.

I agree with a lot of the previous posters--capable and ready apparently aren't the same thing! And it is one of those things you can't force, better to let her do it at her own pace, than to rush her.

On the bright side--once DD pt'd at 3.5, she never had a night time accident, and any daytime accidents have been so minor I can't even remember them.

[ilovemygirl]

I really appreciate the advice but I just can't wait forever and I've already mentioned that I've heard the "it will just happen one day" waaaaay too many times.
We don't have cloth diapers that fit her anymore and even if I did they would be impossible for her to try to use the potty in. I can barely justify not forcing her to my husband much less the expense of cloth trainers but if she goes on much longer I guess it would cost about the same as I'm paying for disposables. I can't express how much we could do without paying anything extra right now.
She knows peepee and poop go in the potty. We've read every potty book there is. She understands how it works and has done both in both kinds of potty on a couple of occasions but just flat out refuses to go. She shows no fear about it. She can tell me if she has gone in her diaper and wakes up with a dry diaper most mornings.
I'm starting to think she's doing it just to spite me.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Plaid Leopard

You are causing yourself (and your dd) a lot of unnecessary stress.

Oh mama, this is so true. Hugs for you because I know how stressed out you are feeling about this.

It sounds like, by this point, you are very emotionally invested in her learning to use the potty, and it has become a power struggle. Take the power out of the equation. Let it go. She may or may not be physiologically ready to potty learn at this point (and many aren't at that age), but what is certain is that pushing it farther *right now* is unlikely to have any positive results. I really think that you will do yourself and her a big favour if you just drop it completely, and then re-visit potty learning in a few months.

Good luck mama!

ETA as for the cost of cloth trainers - have you checked out the trading post here, diaperswappers.com or craigslist? You can buy used ones there, or, if you don't want to use used ones, you can buy new ones and recoup some of the cost by selling them there later (or you could save them for use with future kids if that's in the plans).

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

I really appreciate the advice but I just can't wait forever and I've already mentioned that I've heard the "it will just happen one day" waaaaay too many times.
We don't have cloth diapers that fit her anymore and even if I did they would be impossible for her to try to use the potty in. I can barely justify not forcing her to my husband much less the expense of cloth trainers but if she goes on much longer I guess it would cost about the same as I'm paying for disposables. I can't express how much we could do without paying anything extra right now.
She knows peepee and poop go in the potty. We've read every potty book there is. She understands how it works and has done both in both kinds of potty on a couple of occasions but just flat out refuses to go. She shows no fear about it. She can tell me if she has gone in her diaper and wakes up with a dry diaper most mornings.
I'm starting to think she's doing it just to spite me.

I don't know that she's doing it to spite you, but I'd bet she knows it's super important to you and she's going to push back.

I guess I don't know what you came here looking for. To hear that your dh is right and forcing a toddler to potty train will work? It won't, that's why everyone's advice has been the same.

I guess you can try to force her to do it and then probably end up having her diapers for much much longer than if you let her do it naturally.

There's a reason people keep telling you that she'll do it when she's ready. She really will. This isn't something you can just make her do.

If it helps at all, I talked to my kids about the potty for roughly a year before they were trained. They sat on the potty months before they figured out how the whole thing worked. Potty training isn't an overnight thing.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I don't know that she's doing it to spite you, but I'd bet she knows it's super important to you and she's going to push back.

I guess I don't know what you came here looking for. To hear that your dh is right and forcing a toddler to potty train will work? It won't, that's why everyone's advice has been the same.

I guess you can try to force her to do it and then probably end up having her diapers for much much longer than if you let her do it naturally.

There's a reason people keep telling you that she'll do it when she's ready. She really will. This isn't something you can just make her do.

If it helps at all, I talked to my kids about the potty for roughly a year before they were trained. They sat on the potty months before they figured out how the whole thing worked. Potty training isn't an overnight thing.

ITA with this. And it sounds like you may be receiving the stress from your DH and passing it on to your DD. That's very common, but you have to fight it. Your DH is plain wrong - punitive potty training doesn't work and causes stress and bad feelings all around. And you ARE going to end up with a resistant child NOT going potty to spite you if you keep going down this road.

I hear you about not wanting to buy more diapers - DS needs the next size up, and I don't feel like buying more. But prefolds ARE cheap.

[betsyj]

I can barely justify not forcing her to my husband

And I would ask your husband how he would feel if everyday someone followed him around and forced him to use the potty when THEY were ready, and not when HE was ready.

I don't think he would be thrilled with the concept and maybe he would be a little more sympathetic.

I would be excited by the fact that she can tell you what she is doing-that indicates she is thinking about how her body is working and that is the important first step.

But, you will not be able to force her and taking her toys away because she won't potty on someone elses schedule just stinks.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

I have seriously been talking to her about the potty for a year! I am exhausted and if I get one more "she'll do it when she's ready" from another mom who's kid just magically peed on the potty one day I will go insane.

That is a lot of pressure! I'm confused why you started focusing on potty training an entire year ago? Did she give you signs that she was ready to potty train? Does she go a long time between wetting diapers?

I understand that you would really like her to be potty trained, but honestly 34 months is just not panic time, IMO. If you had a 4.5 year old who had no potty interest, I might encourage more pro-active actions, but at not even 3 with a child who has been pushed for a year--- I think you really need to let it go. I don't want to be offensive or insensitive, but I think you need to wait a bit longer. I would completely and totallyl back off for at least two months and try again in the summer if she shows more interest.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

I really appreciate the advice but I just can't wait forever and I've already mentioned that I've heard the "it will just happen one day" waaaaay too many times.

I'm going to try to say this respectfully...

Not yet three is NOT forever.
You may have heard "it will just happen one day" many times, but it sounds like you haven't really listened. It sounds like you didn't even wait until the average age of potty training before trying to force it.

[LionTigerBear]

You cannot force a child to use the toilet. You cannot bribe them to do so-- it will not work if they are not ready, and honestly if they are ready, they'll do it without all of that. To shame or punish a child for not toileting the way you want them to, is generally considered abusive.

They may be technically capable of eliminating in the toilet, and still not be ready for potty training. Both of my sons have had poops and pees in the toilet since they were 14 months old or so. Heck, my baby daughter can pee in the toilet from time to time-- her first time was at like 8 months. It doesn't mean they're ready yet.

A parallel-- taking a step or cruising doesn't mean it's time to put an infant on a schedule to learn to walk. And if they aren't walking within a "reasonable" time frame start taking away toys and playtime. Or, give cookies in return for steps taken. Silly, right? Just because they technically can take steps or walk doesn't mean it needs to be forced. Kids walk when they're ready. Same thing with toileting.

The budget is not your child's responsibility. She deserves to have her basic hygiene needs (ie diapering) taken care of without making it a shameful, controlling, or punitive situation.

You need to advocate for your daughters rights and needs to your husband and anyone else who is pressuring for potty training. Cut the budget somewhere else. We have an awesome Finances and Frugality forum with some great ideas.

[nextcommercial]

It won't help to use negatives to make her get potty trained.

it MIGHT help... but, only MIGHT... if you buy the thick training panties. (Potty Patty pants are thick) and use plastic pants over those. It doesn't stop all accidents from messing up the floor.. but, it stops most of it.

I also put potty chairs in different rooms. None in the bathroom. I keep one in the kid's playroom, and one out on the patio. (it's warm here so, they are outside a lot) Then, I have the padded potty seat thingy in the bathroom. Maybe you could get more than one and keep one in every bathroom.

If you want to have a "negative", (but, I don't think this is bad at all) she could change her own pants when she wets them. I have my daycare kids change their own pants and put them in a bag, then they put clean panties on.

The girls wear ONLY a dress and the panties. No pants. (but, again, it's hot here) The boys wear just skivvies, or shorts with no underpants on. That way, it's quick and easy. There are potty chairs all over the place, and they always have an audience of other two year olds who will announce with enthusiasm that the other child "did pee-pee"!!!

I've learned to make it easy and convenient.

If she wets, just say "here, change into these".... try VERY hard not to look upset. Just make it no worse than spilling their cup... you'd just hand her a towel to wipe the juice up... try not to make it any more annoying than that. (hard to do after the fifth time in one day)

Hang in there. If you get too frustrated, just take two months off. Even if you are SURE she's going to go to college in pullups. Just try to relax and let it go for a while.

BTW... I have NEVER had a child potty train in pullups. Ever. In 25 years of daycare not one child has potty trained until they wear undies.

[ssh]

You can't "force" someone to pee or poop. Trying to force your DD could make being free of diapers take even longer and it will hurt the relationship you have with your DD. The fact that you've been focusing so much on the potty could be hindering things.

We didn't do anything at all except buy a potty and one of those seat things that go on a toilet and our DD started using the seat thing on the toilet a bit after turning 3.5. Months before deciding to use the toilet instead of diapers my DD knew when she had to go and would go to the bathroom, take off her pull-up and wipe with toilet paper before putting a new pull-up on.

Just wanted to add that my DD was wearing pull-ups the day she decided to use the toilet and then never wore them again. Also she's only had two accidents and it's been close to a year now.