I'm loosing it.

[chimomma]

My now almost 3 year old has always been spirited, dramatic, and strong willed. Our relationship has had its bumps and there were periods where I was often loosing my temper. I was in desperate need for a different approach so I read UP and tried a gentler approach and no punishments. It all seemed to be working out wonderfully, we still had some misbehavior, but all in all, everyone was happier, more calm, and well behaved.

It all started again when my dad came to visit last week end sharply criticizing almost everything I hold to be important in my life, including my parenting style. We had already debated about it in the past and I tried to explain as much as I could to a terrible listener. He acted like I am against setting limits (I'm not) and that my daughter is out of control. Since then I have felt down on myself and I have started feeling like my daughter should always be obeying me and have resorted to harsher tactics if she doesn't. I know in my head it is the wrong way and not helpful to the situation, but my feelings are saying something else.

Now I don't know how to deal with these problem behaviors most of which include aggression towards her 12mo old brother (pushing him over mostly) and rubbing food in his hair. She also regularly spills drinks on purpose and started spitting food. I am also having a problem handling it when she does not listen to me. I tell her directly and simply that she cannot do a behavior after she does it and sometimes she repeats what I am saying like she gets it, but she continually does it anyways. Sometimes when I tell her no she just kind of smiles. I am feeling like resorting to punishments now because I am really tired of her not listening to me.

Please help me with any technique or things to remind myself of to get me back on track. What do you do when you feel like you are loosing it? What do you do when it seems your discipline techniques just aren't working so and your child repeats aggressive behaviors? Try something new? Hope it will pass on its own?

[Ms. Purejoy]

I've been where you are. I chose to parent my daughter in a way that worked for us and allowed me to be the parent I wanted to be. Our relationship was deepening and then we went for a visit to my sisters. Everything I thought was cute and wonderful about my daughter, my sister saw as misbehavior. When I returned home, she wrote me a letter telling me what a horrible parent I was and that my daughter was going to be ruined if I didn't step up and teach her some limits, etc. It was devastating, and threw me into questioning everything I was doing. I, like you, found myself swinging over to my sister's way and started treating my daughter the way my family had treated me. I must tell you it was the best thing in the world because I truly got to see firsthand how painful it was for me as a child. It finally forced me to take a stand for what I believed and how I wanted to parent. I chose love over fear and I can't even begin to tell you how incredible my relationship is with my daughter today (she is 10).

For a while I had to distance myself from my sister, until I got strong enough in myself, not to defend or justify how I parent. The wonderful thing is 2 years later she wrote me a letter, apologizing and telling me what an amazing parent I am. Whew! What a journey.

So, I support you in seeing that what is going on is about your childhood, not about if you are a good parent or not. Trust your instincts, no matter what anyone outside says, and continue fostering a loving beautiful relationship with your daughter. It will pay off!

Leslie

[ssh]

Originally Posted by chimomma

What do you do when it seems your discipline techniques just aren't working so and your child repeats aggressive behaviors? Try something new? Hope it will pass on its own?

Just because a discipline technique doesn't get results right away doesn't mean it isn't 'working'. For example we taught manners including saying Thank you, your welcome, I'm sorry, and various greetings by modeling. So even though our DD was about 3 before she was using of of these appropriately teaching manners by modeling them was working the entire time up through that point. It's completely normal for a 3 year old to not "listen to you" (if you really meant obey by that phrase). They are still working on their impulse control and figuring out how much control they have over them self and the world around them.

Go back to the gentler approach with no punishments. It was working wonderfully, everyone was happier and calm. Trust your self and build a strong trusting positive relationship with your DD. The annoying behavior is usually a temporary phase the relationship is permanent. Also for support, reassurance and a few fresh ideas read Raising Your Spirited Child or Kids Parents and Power Struggles both by Mary Kurcinka.

[LynnS6]

I'm on the 'stricter' side of the gentle discipline forum, so this is what I would do (or did):

When my kids deliberately hit or hurt someone, they were levitated to their rooms for a cool down. If you can't be gentle, you need to be elsewhere until you can control yourself. When they come out, we reconnect and ask them to make amends to the person who was hurt. That could be giving a hug, saying sorry or doing something nice for them.

For spilling deliberately and/or spitting food: I remove the drink/food and they get to help clean it up. Now 'helping' is a relative term, and early on, the adult does most of the work. But our 5 year old can competently clean up a spill now.

Other things that might help: Focus on what she should do, not what she shouldn't. "Don't push your brother" is hard to comply with, "keep your hands to yourself" is easier. "Feet on the floor" works better than "don't stand on that".

Whenever my kids get in a pattern of 'not listening' what it really means is that I've gotten lazy about following up.

I would intervene the first time she doesn't do something you need her to do. Go over and say "if you don't do this yourself, I'll help you." Toddlers (and she's still a toddler) learn physically and so sometimes walking them through the motions really helps. It has the side benefit of keeping you calmer because if you help her the first time, you still have some patience. In addition, then she learns that you really to mean it the first time.

Finally, remember she's not yet 3. 2-3 year olds don't have a lot of impulse control. They are trying to figure out what boundaries are, and they're learning by trial and error. It takes a lot of repetition for them to learn anything. If what you were doing worked before, have faith that it will continue to work.

(And next time your dad comes, perfect the "gee dad, how about those Dodgers?" line. And have him stay at a hotel.)

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I'm on the 'stricter' side of the gentle discipline forum, so this is what I would do (or did):

When my kids deliberately hit or hurt someone, they were levitated to their rooms for a cool down. If you can't be gentle, you need to be elsewhere until you can control yourself. When they come out, we reconnect and ask them to make amends to the person who was hurt. That could be giving a hug, saying sorry or doing something nice for them.

For spilling deliberately and/or spitting food: I remove the drink/food and they get to help clean it up. Now 'helping' is a relative term, and early on, the adult does most of the work. But our 5 year old can competently clean up a spill now.

Other things that might help: Focus on what she should do, not what she shouldn't. "Don't push your brother" is hard to comply with, "keep your hands to yourself" is easier. "Feet on the floor" works better than "don't stand on that".

Whenever my kids get in a pattern of 'not listening' what it really means is that I've gotten lazy about following up.

I would intervene the first time she doesn't do something you need her to do. Go over and say "if you don't do this yourself, I'll help you." Toddlers (and she's still a toddler) learn physically and so sometimes walking them through the motions really helps. It has the side benefit of keeping you calmer because if you help her the first time, you still have some patience. In addition, then she learns that you really to mean it the first time.

Finally, remember she's not yet 3. 2-3 year olds don't have a lot of impulse control. They are trying to figure out what boundaries are, and they're learning by trial and error. It takes a lot of repetition for them to learn anything. If what you were doing worked before, have faith that it will continue to work.

(And next time your dad comes, perfect the "gee dad, how about those Dodgers?" line. And have him stay at a hotel.)

I really needed to read this. I really feel as though I'm losing it right now too with my almost 3 YO. She's a great kid, but can really try my patience with the whining, not listening, etc.

I'm trying really hard not to ask too much of her but sometimes I want to blow my top I'm so frustrated. Especially when I try to talk gently to her when there is a problem and she simply laughs at me.

I'll keep working on it. Thanks, mamas, for your inspiration. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning.