vent about our lame sex life

[mambera]

Sigh. So our 9-mo dd has gotten better at napping but still needs to be nursed back down about every 15 min. So I can get an hour or sometimes even 2-h nap out of her but it means I have to keep boobing her back down 3 or 4 times in that period. Which severely limits the utility of her naptime for me.

DD will not sleep more than 20 min in the day, or 3-4 h at night (assuming she is next to me - if I get out of the bed it's 20 minutes again), without needing a boob. We cosleep and she goes to bed when I do (bc otherwise she will not stay asleep).

We manage to dtd about once a week. It's a carefully orchestrated sequence where I nurse the baby down, run in the other room, get started, hear the baby, run back in to nurse her down again (while DH hangs out in a state of frustration), repeat as necessary, try to finish our thing before the baby wakes up for good.

Ugh. I HATE switching from dtd to nursing and back again. They are SO incongruent for me and I just feel like a big collection of parts for other people's needs. WHEN is the baby going to stop needing boob to stay asleep? Is there anything I can do to hurry it along? Any experiences to share??

[Adallae]

That's a tough spot to be in. I wouldn't want to go back and forth like that either.

I'm guessing you've tried patting her back, or giving her a chance to fall back asleep on her own? When DD wakes, she will often fuss for a moment, sit up and look around. Usually I would pick her up and nurse or rock her back down. I discovered a couple weeks ago that if I leave her, 50% of the time she will literally fall over and be back asleep instantly. It's funny to watch. So now I don't touch her (at night or during naps) until she lets out an actual cry.

I hope your LO gives you and your DH some private time soon!

[katmann]

I just want to say that once a week is a super duper effort and you should be proud of yourself! That's not lame to me. But, since I have a 14 mo old and am still having sex much less than once a week, you can see why I might be impressed.

I totally understand the dual-duty body problem. We had this happen the other night when I had to go nurse DS down during the deed. It's so hard to mentally switch back and forth like that! And with a 6 mo old, you're probably still feeling really "touched out" in general, and not wanting too many hands (or mouths) on your body.

Anyway, the sleep thing will work itself out. I won't give any advice, because I found that DH and I just had to find our own methods for getting DS to sleep without being right next to me. It took time and patience, but it did happen. We got some relief from the methods in the No Cry Sleep Solution, but we found its effectiveness limited. Still a good resource, though.

[kismetbaby]

No help, just wanted to say that this totally sounds like my situation! Although I have to say, I am managing dtd much less than once a week much to DHs regret. My 5.5 month old also has a very hard time staying asleep without me there and often wakes just wanting to suck back to sleep. Its hard to be "in the mood" knowing that my LO will fuss and need me, I feel like I can never mentally switch the mommy mode off and get into another mode.

[mambera]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Originally Posted by Adallae

I'm guessing you've tried patting her back, or giving her a chance to fall back asleep on her own?

Patting works about 10% of the time; but if it fails she will wake all the way up and not nurse back down. So if I really want her to go back down I just give her the boob.

When DD wakes, she will often fuss for a moment, sit up and look around. Usually I would pick her up and nurse or rock her back down. I discovered a couple weeks ago that if I leave her, 50% of the time she will literally fall over and be back asleep instantly.

That is interesting. I have not tried that. Once she sits up I usually get her bc I am afraid she will crawl off the bed. Next time I will try to observe secretly for a while. Thanks for the suggestion.

I hope your LO gives you and your DH some private time soon!

Thanks for the well-wishes. So do I. And so does my DH

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by katmann

I just want to say that once a week is a super duper effort and you should be proud of yourself!

I agree, once a week makes you super mom! Until recently (like, the past month or so...) DH was lucky to get it once a month. Like a PP said, I was touched out. When DS would nap I either wanted/needed to do housework or, if it had been a trying day like teething, I wanted to just SIT and not have to cater to ANYONE ELSE. It's gotten better since DS is learning to sleep for longer stretches alone. But we were in the same place when he was your LO's age!

Have you tried doing it on the floor where the baby is sleeping? You have to be REALLY quiet...but then you're right there and don't have to run around as much. We used to get DS to sleep in bed, carefully transfer him to the bassinet, dtd, cuddle until DS woke up, and move him back... We got, uhm quick as well...

[akind1]

once a week is awesome! that is DH and I's new goal - DS will be 18 weeks old tomorrow and we have DTD a total of 3 times. Not because I am "touched out" per se, I would love to be touched by someone that doesn't drool constantly! but the timing stinks; DS and I go to bed early -for us, early is like 11 pm - and DH goes to bed later, and wakes later. We don't have the good reasons you do, with the consant nursing, DS goes usually for a 6 hour stretch at night and has at least one good 2 hour nap during the day. and he has become an efficient eater.

I second the floor idea, if you can manage that at all, or a chair of some sort, or at least somewhere in the same room if you can, so long as baby is asleep. (I don't think it would traumatize DS if he "saw" us, but it just seems weird and a mood killer to me!)

Here's hoping you manage some alone time! (and me and DH as well!)

[Tattooed Hand]

Wow, that's tough. Having said that, DD is 3.5 months old and we have yet to DTD, mostly because DH is too tired and stressed out and there are not enough instances when I don't have a baby hanging off of me.

[Llyra]

The going back and forth would be really hard for me, too. I have issues with that, actually. I need about an hour or so without the kids before I'm ready to even think about sex-- to just jump from my body being "source of nurture" to "object of desire" is just way too big a leap for me, and I wind up getting squeamish and turned off by DH.

When my DS (my lousy sleeper; my girls weren't frequent wakers) was needing to be nursed back to sleep very frequently, honestly, DH and I were getting it on much less than once a week. Much less than once a month, even. He wasn't happy about it, and neither was I, but it was one year out of our otherwise long life together, so we kinda got through it. Now that they're older, we still do lock the bedroom door just in case, but mostly we manage to have our fun uninterrupted. But still, when the kids' needs are high, because of illness or stress at school or nightmares or whatever, our sex life still does tend to dry up like a creek in high summer.

Hang in there! It doesn't last forever, even when it feels like it will!

What about calling in some help, and getting somebody to take the LO out for an afternoon on the weekend? We've done that-- sent the kids out with my mom for a few hours and stayed home to have our good time.

[Norasmomma]

Once a week is darn good if you ask me, when DD was 9 months I had like zero desire. This time it is completely different, but DS is different he sleeps at night. I was actually repulsed by dtd when she was a baby, but I had MAJOR hormonal problems.

I'd say the nursing back to sleep needs to change, I couldn't do that back and forth thing-no way. I'd give it a few minutes when she wakes, see if she cries or settles. It sounds to me like a comfort thing and not a hunger thing, I just wouldn't be so quick to jump out of bed due to her waking JMO.

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by Llyra

The going back and forth would be really hard for me, too. I have issues with that, actually. I need about an hour or so without the kids before I'm ready to even think about sex-- to just jump from my body being "source of nurture" to "object of desire" is just way too big a leap for me, and I wind up getting squeamish and turned off by DH.

Wow, this is me in a nutshell! DH just doesn't get it.

I think that once a week is great. DH and I go through spurts where we dtd a few times in a row and then not again for a couple of weeks. Not sure why, but that seems to be our rhythm. DD has just started sleeping a little bit better so we are able to squeeze in more time, but before that it was VERY hard to work out the logistics of it. I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I would just "take one for the team" and pull out my sexiest moves so that DH could really enjoy himself for just a few minutes and not really think much about my own needs, KWIM? There will be plenty of time in this life for great sex - the first few years of parenthood just usually isn't it!

Have you tried a pacifier? I know that at 9 months that might not be the best suggestion, but it might help enough to get an extra few minutes here and there...

[sunnygir1]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

Have you tried a pacifier? I know that at 9 months that might not be the best suggestion, but it might help enough to get an extra few minutes here and there...

That's what I was going to say. Dd never took one, but ds does. I'm not sure how I feel about it...I hope it isn't too hard to get rid of it in the future, but right now it is really nice when he needs to suck.

[akind1]

DS uses the paci only when tired and wanting to sleep. That said, lately he far prefers his thumb Doesn't bother me, I am glad that he has found a way to soothe himself and get himself to sleep (not always, but 7 times out of 10) I don't know at 9 months if she would take a paci? but it is worth a shot