I'm new, and I'm very sad

[bdavis337]

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[mazajo]

I couldn't read and not reply. I'm going through that same grieving process right now and it's horrible, second guessing myself all the time. What I keep saying to myself is that one good single parent is better than two parents together but at odds. Isn't that right? I wish I had more words of wisdom. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[MissLotus]

Seeing your little boy going between the two of you, it must have been so heartbreakingly sad and sweet at the same time. I don't know your circumstance at all, nor how amicable it is with your ex, but let me offer you some hope:

I knew when my son was still a baby that things wouldn't work out with my now-ex, who was acting simply horrible in every way. It was not a peaceful environment for our son by any means, and I didn't want him to grow up seeing that dynamic. My ex had some abusive behavior towards me, and there was no question - the relationship could not continue. But I remember looking out the window and seeing a mom and dad walking with a little kid between them, holding each of their hands.... and I cried so hard, to think my child would not have that. And that I wouldn't have that. (But I knew that even if I stayed, it would not be that way.)

But as horrid as things were, and as erratic as my ex still is sometimes, and we never reconciled our personal relationship, but we HAVE actually walked many times with our son between us (our son is 8 now), with him holding our hands. Yes, I wished that the other parent loved me and that we did not have issues - so they weren't always perfect moments - but my son has had that. Not knowing the dynamic of your relationship, I don't know what your ex is willing to do, or what you're willing to do, but over time, perhaps you will get to a point where you can do things together with your child. You don't have to be a couple for that to happen. And as hard as it is sometimes, ex and I share Christmas, Thanksgiving and our son's birthday. We show up at our son's games and school stuff. We occasionally have a dinner with the 3 of us, here and there. (This does not mean that things are always great, and ex often drives me crazy - my son has no illusions that things are perfect with us - he just knows that we DO agree that he's the best kid ever). And just this week, my ex has suggested some places he'd like for us all to vacation together this summer which I'm not sure how I feel about yet, between ex and I do better with breathing room between us.

I don't want to create false hope. And I know that sharing time with my ex isn't the same warm fuzziness as it would be as if there hadn't been so much angst (and there has been plenty). I'm just saying there are as many ways to be divorced as there are to be married, and that you can still be a family even if you aren't a couple.

[doubledutch]

that sounds really hard, but i want to tell you that you aren't taking away their dad, and you don't know if you will end up sharing their childhood with another partner who could end up being an awesome person in your kids' lives - whether they consider that person another parent or just an amazing mentor and friend who loves their mom as much as they do. divorce hurts but sometimes it's the right choice, and we do heal.

[lucysmom]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

But as horrid as things were, and as erratic as my ex still is sometimes, and we never reconciled our personal relationship, but we HAVE actually walked many times with our son between us (our son is 8 now), with him holding our hands. Yes, I wished that the other parent loved me and that we did not have issues - so they weren't always perfect moments - but my son has had that. Not knowing the dynamic of your relationship, I don't know what your ex is willing to do, or what you're willing to do, but over time, perhaps you will get to a point where you can do things together with your child. You don't have to be a couple for that to happen. And as hard as it is sometimes, ex and I share Christmas, Thanksgiving and our son's birthday. We show up at our son's games and school stuff. We occasionally have a dinner with the 3 of us, here and there. (This does not mean that things are always great, and ex often drives me crazy - my son has no illusions that things are perfect with us - he just knows that we DO agree that he's the best kid ever). And just this week, my ex has suggested some places he'd like for us all to vacation together this summer which I'm not sure how I feel about yet, between ex and I do better with breathing room between us.

I don't want to create false hope. And I know that sharing time with my ex isn't the same warm fuzziness as it would be as if there hadn't been so much angst (and there has been plenty). I'm just saying there are as many ways to be divorced as there are to be married, and that you can still be a family even if you aren't a couple.

This has also been my experience. It may be that the best way to give your kids the experience of being with both parents together is to separate/divorce, and then spend time with them together on new footing.

[Theia]

I don't have any experience exactly with what you are going through. I just couldn't read and not send you support. You will get through this. It is a hard transition, but your DS deserves a happy parent(s). Do what you have to do to provide that for him. It does get easier with time. Big {{{hugs}}} to you.

[meandmine]

I am sorry you are hurting. I spent lots of time grieving. Right now my stbx is grieving more (always for the kids, btw).

And ... we do lots together with the kids. Not all divorces end up with strict schedules and exchanges at police stations, although many need to ...

We give each other plenty of space to be solo with our girls, but we spend most holidays together with them and we have taken at least one trip together with them (because I do not trust my stbx to manage them alone on long-distance travel).

Sure, the girls wish we weren't divorced. I didn't want the divorce and life as a single working parent is really challenging for all of us. *BUT*, they still have both of us, fortunately, in our case, a lot!

Hope it works out that way for you!

M

[canadianchick]

[bdavis337]

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[racheepoo]

The firsts are always the hardest, and the memories will kick you at the oddest times. And then, slowly, you start to realize that it's okay and that you're not only going to make it but make a better life for yourself and your kids.

It's a new reality, but it doesn't have to be a worse reality. :heart