How do I help my son NOT be shy?

[mommy22boys]

(I'm not sure if this is the right section for this... please let me know if I should post this somewhere else.)

I am very shy and I don't like being shy at all. I wish I could just be myself in front of people and I feel like if I wasn't shy I would have so much more fun with anything and everything I do.
I really don't want my DS to be shy like me and feel like this.
He is 3yo, at home and also with close family he is very loud and talks ALOT for his age. But when we go out anywhere like to a playgroup, music class, or a play gym, he doesn't talk AT ALL. People are always so surprised when he actually says something. He is too shy to even say his name and age and none of the other kids are, they all just have fun and seem like they don't really notice the other kids. My DS just watches all the kids playing instead of just playing himself. And when he does finally play he acts like the other kids, or just does what they do instead of being himself and playing like he usually does.
I hope I'm making sense. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this, but I feel like being shy ruins my life sometimes and I really don't want this for him.
So my question is... how can I help him to just be himself and not pay attention to other kids, not watch them, just have fun?

[spmamma]

My DD is a lot like your DS. She'll be 3 in June. Try not to worry too much about whether or not he's too shy. All you can do is gently encourage him. In the end, he will be whoever he is destined to be. Since you are a shy person, you are in a unique position to show him empathy and understanding if/when he has trouble being shy as he grows older. Just love him for who he is - not every child needs to be a social butterfly.

[K1329]

As a shy mama, I, too, had trouble watching my 3 yo dd struggle to speak to strangers. From my own personal experiences, I know being shy makes life more difficult. Some things we tried:


tell her it was okay to just "wave" hello, or, respond non-verbally

show up for parties/events a tad bit early - it's easier to walk into an empy party than a full one

take her to many events, arrange play dates - give her as many "practicing" opportunities as possible


You know what? She's now 6.5, talks to people she doesn't know, has a great group of friends at school, and seems to have outgrown most of her shyness. She's still not the most outgoing person, but, that's fine by me, and the troubles I feared never materialized. Try not to worry!

ETA: We also, like Momalea, never pushed dd. never "forced" her to reply to people, that sort of thing. We definitely took a soft approach.

[mommy22boys]

Thanks for the replies.

Thank so much for the suggestions K1329, those are really good ideas. And thanks for telling me about your daughter, that is helpful to know!

[Momalea]

I was very, very shy as a child. Well, pretty much up until college. While my mother tried to do a lot of things to make me less shy/speak up for myself I found it just made it worse. For example, ordering for myself in a restaurant was painful but she'd make me do it. Didn't make me more confident or feel more comfortable.

Fast forward to my late twenties and I give birth to a baby who doesn't smile at strangers, doesn't talk to people unless she knows them very well, is slow to warm up in any social situation, etc. My approach with her was to NOT push her at all but just let her be how she needed to be. I spoke for her a lot when people expected her to respond. I know many people think I coddled her or let her be rude, but I was okay with that. As she got older (3?) I did ask her to acknowledge people if they spoke to her at least by nodding or waving or indicating somehow that she heard them.

My dd is now 9 and is outgoing, well spoken, and has lots of friends. She is still quieter in any social situation until she knows the lay of the land, and is quiet and reserved with strangers. But, she can speak for herself confidently when she needs to. I doubt most people who know her now would have any idea how reserved and "shy" she was for the first 4 or 5 years of her life.

[briome]

My first born was/is shy. As a toddler and 3-4 yr old he was very shy...(I am too pretty much) He is generally a cautious child.

He is 5 1/2 now and has a healthy approach to social situations I think. I feel that he is being smart and responsible by getting information about a group (by watching or asking about them, the situation) before jumping in full force.
Try to think of the positive traits of 'shyness'!

My second child is 2 and a true 'social butterfly'. I want to assure you that his personality is really overwealming in a different way and he will need instruction on boundaries and I constantly have to make sure he does not run away! This child really made me see the GOOD things about my first child's shyness!

Give your daughter a safe haven untill she is ready to be more social. Hang out with other less shy people whom you know and love so there is some balance to your natural shyness (my hubby is very social!) but she seems like she has the skills needed for being good with people she is just being smart about where and how she uses them! Foster her sense of intuition and trust that she has a reason to feel weary about some things at this point. Give her time!

[mommy22boys]

Thank you.
What you're all saying is true, I shouldn't worry about it. I just don't want his shyness to ruin his fun, I felt like he should have fun being a kid not worrying about who is around. But I think he must see that I'm different too when we are out so maybe that's another reason. As long as he knows how to stand up for himself and has fun when he should be having fun and has a couple friends, it doesn't really matter to me how outgoing he is. I guess when they are this young it's hard to tell what kind of people they will be and maybe I was getting ahead of myself worrying about how his shyness will affect his life.
I think I will just keep taking him to playgroups and places with other children, so he can 'practice' (like a pp said) being in social situations and get used to it, but I won't force him to talk when he doesn't want to. I never do force him to, I usually speak for him when he doesn't want to. The thing is, at grocery stores when people talk to him he loves it and even says hi first sometimes. It's just in situations with other children.
Thanks again for all of the replies.

[GoBecGo]

I think because we're in such a fast-paced world with so SO much emphasis on verbal communication and speed of doing such as desirable shyness gets a really bad rap.

FWIW i am NOT outwardly shy, in fact, very much the reverse, but i really hate the way confidence is seen as such a big thing. I am TERRIFIED inside during many social situations. i just don't let it show. I feel like a big fake a lot of the time. I have a lot of shy friends (drawn to me, they say, because i fill their silences and lubricate social times with them) and they are some of the most thoughtful, intelligent, considerate people on the planet.

I know this doesn't really help with your son, and i totally understand why you'd want to make his life as happy and fun as possible, but i guess i'd focus on helping him identify and hang out with those who will truly appreciate him for who he is, even if he's not on a rooftop screaming about how great he is.

[Bellabaz]

My dd1 is 3 and is the same way. I think some of it is her personality and some is a phase. A lot of it has to do with our move this summer to country where there is a enw language. I am a quiet person and but I don't consider myself overly shy. I was a when I was young though and I know its hard. I also know how I hated people telling me just say hi and constantly prodding and pushing me.

I try to just let her be who she is while also finding ways to gently encourage her to expand her zomfort zone. We do lots of playgroups and play dates to give her experience in group setting and smaller ones. She does better in the smaller ones but little by little she is coming out of her shell.

I have also found that some kids, like some adults, just don't mix. My dd1 doesn't do well with kids who are very bossy and very extroverted and loud. We used to do playdates with a kid like that she hated it. She would always end up crying, so we stopped going there for now. Maybe in a few months both kids will have changed and grown and will be able to get along.

My concern now is wishing she would stand up for herself when other kids push her out of the wya or take something she has etc. i don't really know what to do about that one. But maybe its something she will grow into as well.

[BeanyMama]

All three of mine were/are pretty reserved around people they don't know until they've warmed up a bit. As they get older they get more comfortable talking to other people.

The best advice I got was from my aunt; when my oldest was a toddler, she said to be careful not to call him "shy" to others. It's easy when a tot withdrawals when someone speaks to them to says something like "oh, he's a little shy" to spare their feelings so they know it's not personal. But your child may take that as an identity and see himself as "shy", which could close doors for him. I try to say something like "he/she takes a bit to warm up sometimes" instead.

[LROM]

You've already gotten lots of great advice. Only thing I would add is to communicate a lot with your child. Ask after some social events or events where you've purposefully brought him to try to help him get more comfortable, ask him if he liked it or not. Ask him what he liked, what he didn't. Listen to his answers to see what his comfort level was as best you can figure out from his answers.

If/when he's old enough to tell you what made him uncomfortable, assure him that it's fine to feel however he feels, but maybe also ask him what would make him more comfortable and work through with him some things he could do (and you could do) in social situations to make him more comfortable.

Basically what I've learned from working with families with shy/introverted/very slow to warm kids is, as many other PPs have said it is really important to let your child know they are great as they are and nothing is wrong with them or their feelings... and then ALSO checking in with them about what they like and don't like in social situations because sometimes there ARE things they need to work out or work through, and as parents we want to help them feel like they have some control of their social situations and their actions in those situations.

We have ot check in with them to know where we can help them.

I bet your son will be fine, and it's great to read about all these other kids and adults who started out really shy/reserved and ended up feeling just fine about how they interact socially.

[tracymom1]

My 2 1/2 year old is so painfully shy. Up until now I have not "done" anything about it but I worry about how it will be when he is a little older. Like the PP said, I just want him to have fun and play with other kids. I struggled so much as a kid and I don't want to see him go through that, too.

[mommy22boys]

I just noticed all these new replies. Thanks for all the great advice, I will for sure keep what you all have said in mind. That's so true about not saying "he's shy" to ppl, I always do it, but I always feel like I don't want him to hear me say that, so saying he's slow to warm up is a great substitute for that.