DD's friend's family not ok - WWYD?

[SunshineJ]

I've tried to post this several times, struggling to find the right way to say this without sounding harsh and judgemental. Believe me, my house is far, far from perfect and I'm pretty open to people with different ways of doing things. But here's the situation. DD has a classmate who lives about 1/4 mile up the road. They aren't best friends, but the classmate does like to come over and they play well together. Classmate does have a few issues, but nothing major and as long as we're going to be home and it's not really late at night, she's welcome over here any time. I have no problem with this child.

Her family, however, is a different story. When I deal with them I feel like I've entered into some type of reality warp! The dad goes to work telling inappropriate stories about his 15 yr old stepdd and the "things" she does in the house (not in an appropriate way!) and I find that creepy. They have a split level house and mom tends to use the entryway as a trashcan, complete with old food packaging and dirty diapers. Trust me when I say these are just the barest tip of the iceburg! The whole situation gets really strange at times, and to be blunt, I do NOT want my dd at that house! Last night I ended up with one of this parent's neighbors (whom I've never met) in my driveway trash talking the parent while yelling at a neighbor kid! It was so surreal, like some kind of disfunctional drama circus. I'm still stunned and trying to figure it all out!

I'm not a huge drama seeker, and I don't enjoy having it in my life. LOL I have a 5 yr old DD that provides more than enough drama for the entire family! My instinct with these people is distance, distance, distance. But none of this is the child's fault! She's 6 for crying out loud, and certainly isn't responsible for her parents bizzare behaviour. Is there a way to stay a step back from this family while letting the kids play all the time together? And how do I tactfully tell DD she's not going over there without projecting anything negative about the family to her or ending up with anyone's feelings getting hurt?

[lotusdebi]

My older son is good friends with a kid who lives across the street. They've been playing together for years, and I've barely spoken to his parents. They play in my house or in our yard or in the neighborhod. When he has wanted to go in their house in the past, I've expressed my discomfort at the idea of him being out of sight. As he gets older, I'm allowing it for short periods, but only because I think he can handle that particular family dynamic (a lot of yelling and name-calling, and some corporal punishment). If I was more concerned over his ability to handle that different environment, or if there were things going on that I thought would be truly harmful for him to be exposed to, then I would keep coming up with excuses and alternative activities. Honestly, in our case, the mom needs a break from her kids so badly that she doesn't seem to mind that her kids are here all the time but mine aren't bugging her. I think that having a non-relationship with the parents of your child's friend is perfectly do-able, and you can make plausible excuses (even letting yourself seem over-protective) for having them play on your turf rather than theirs, without hurting feelings.

[marieangela]

It is a tough situation. My 7 year old ds has a very close school friend in a bad family situation. His mother is in and out of jail for theft and drugs, and his father has been known to come around occassionally and beat her. Not something I want my son involved in in the least and very diffenent from our own family life. They play together at school and they play together on the playground after school. I have managed to keep it at that, so far. Other parents have had issues with the boy being dropped off at their house or being asked to take him after school, if they've ever had him to their houses. I'd like to avoid that, too.
They have been close friends through kindergarten and first grade. If ds gets persistent, I will have to come up with an age-appropriate way to explain to him that I don't want him to go to this boy's house. An occassional meet up at a local park with other friends involved worked out last summer, not sure how this summer will go.

[karne]

We've struggled with this for a few years w/our oldest, a middle schooler. At this point we just say "no", and are clear that as parents we don't feel comfortable with the home situation of a particular friend. It's gone on long enough, and we've known the family for long enough to see that it's not just a temporary situation. It's not safe, in our opinion, and that becomes so incredibly important as they get older and you aren't going along on "playdates" anymore.

[SunshineJ]

Thank you for the replies, and for realizing I'm not just being prissy because classmates family does things differently! There are some true concerns there. The problem is that classmates mom calls here a lot! Right now I've got a good handle on it because I started off really firm about when I'd let the classmate come over (she asked me, before I even knew her name or she knew mine, if I would be willing to watch the classmate AND her 1yr old sister for several hours on a school night until around 10:30 pm. I'd never even seen the 1 yr old before and at that point I'd talked with this lady maybe 3 times while picking up our kids! Thankfully I was able to honestly answer I was going to be running errands!) so she doesn't call every day like she used to (and still does with another classmates mom), but with summer coming up I'm afraid that's only temporary!

[PreggieUBA2C]

I was that little girl whose parents were inept and abusive. Our home was extremely clean, but my parents are addicts/alcoholic, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and adults who are not tend to figure that out in short time.

Rarely did other children come over to my house, but it was life-saving for me to be able to go to theirs'. In my family, I took on the roles of 'secret-keeper' and 'good-girl', so as far as the other parents were concerned, they didn't worry (much) about me passing on bad behaviours or telling their children things they ought not yet know about. I was very quiet and revelled in their environments, taking on their expectations without difficulty. Many parents expressed grave concern for me, but welcomed me in their homes. I think that many would have also recognised some issues with me too; how could they not? I was an abused child of addicts!

I think that if the child is not posing any danger to yours- emotionally or physically- then I would keep distance from the parents, not be concerned about what they think of you not wanting your child in their home, and continue as you have been.

As a child, I benefitted greatly from seeing how healthy families functioned and still gratefully acknowledge in my life the effect those experiences had on me. They helped me to see that there are many other ways to live other than the way I grew up. I appreciated when other mums and dads would deliberately explain and demonstrate things to me that I was lacking in my home, most especially healthy social interraction and boundaries and proper bonding between children and parents. I also saw them being diligent in their lives overall, which I never saw at home, making sacrifices for their children and everyone's needs being important, and not just those of the one whose bottle or baggie was empty. I never saw anyone else's parents taking their children for walks to collect used cigarette butts to make rollies with...

Nearly every positive example of family life I have in my memory came from someone else's home, from the parents of other children who were willing to let me be there with them even though my parents were abusive.

I'm glad that you see the child as a separate person from her parents. There are lots of us around- grown people whose parents' behaviours would have completely isolated us from actually growing into healthy adults (with enormous amounts of personal work!!!) were it not for other parents whose hearts were open to the possibility that our potential was greater than the circumstances of our upbringings.

That little girl will benefit from your home. Let her parents deal with their own stuff, and of course, be bold in your decision to welcome their dd, and to keep your dd safely in your care, and never theirs.



ETA: My parents were aware that other parents wouldn't allow their children in our home, and it bewildered them. They didn't see the craziness of our home, and would often mock those parents for their 'over-protective-ness.'

As a child, the only thing that I was really bewildered about in that was that it didn't stop them from allowing me into those homes and that they didn't take such offense that I would be prevented from continuing; I guess something in them intuited the reasonable caution of those parents and in my parents' weakness, they may have even felt cared for in that- the strength of conviction and decisiveness of the other parents.

[LynnS6]

Trust your gut. If your child asks to play there, say simply "I don't feel comfortable with you over there." You don't need to explain more.

If the mom asks for your child to come there, say "I'd be happy to have your child here". If she presses, you can say "I don't feel comfortable having my child there." If she presses more (she won't, I suspect), you can choose simply to say something like "I'd like to keep a close eye on my child" or come out with the truth that the comments by the stepdad/the behavior of the step daughter make you uncomfortable.

We had to limit our kids going over to a neighbor's house two summers ago. Dad was an alcoholic and making poor choices, the parents were getting a divorce and things were really toxic. (No yelling or violence, but you could cut the tension with a knife.) After dad moved out, I let the kids go back again.

ETA: If you haven't read Protecting the Gift, now is a good time to do so. I think the hardest ages to protect your kids are the ones where they start going off by themselves to friends' houses. You have to be able to trust the parents. If you can't, it's your job to be the "meanie".

[MtBikeLover]

I have a similar situation in that we have a neighbor girl who is welcome to come to our house, but my kids are never allowed to go into her house (except for one time for a b-day party and there were other parents/kids there). I had posted on here about what to do and got some good advice. I basically just tell my kids "It is my job to keep you safe and I don't feel comfortable with you over at their house. You are welcome to play here with her or in the yard/park."

DS has asked to go in her car with her dad a few times and I told him he was never allowed to go in the car with her. He asked why and I flat out told him the truth - her dad sometimes drinks beer while he is driving and I do not want you in a car with someone who is drinking. I stressed again that it is my job to keep him safe.

I also told DS that what we talk about at home is not to be shared with anyone else.

[phathui5]

Good for you for not letting your dd go even though having to explain it makes you uncomfortable. Too many parents don't follow their instincts and end up regretting it.

[*bejeweled*]

Thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C

I was that little girl whose parents were inept and abusive. Our home was extremely clean, but my parents are addicts/alcoholic, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and adults who are not tend to figure that out in short time.

Rarely did other children come over to my house, but it was life-saving for me to be able to go to theirs'. In my family, I took on the roles of 'secret-keeper' and 'good-girl', so as far as the other parents were concerned, they didn't worry (much) about me passing on bad behaviours or telling their children things they ought not yet know about. I was very quiet and revelled in their environments, taking on their expectations without difficulty. Many parents expressed grave concern for me, but welcomed me in their homes. I think that many would have also recognised some issues with me too; how could they not? I was an abused child of addicts!

I think that if the child is not posing any danger to yours- emotionally or physically- then I would keep distance from the parents, not be concerned about what they think of you not wanting your child in their home, and continue as you have been.

As a child, I benefitted greatly from seeing how healthy families functioned and still gratefully acknowledge in my life the effect those experiences had on me. They helped me to see that there are many other ways to live other than the way I grew up. I appreciated when other mums and dads would deliberately explain and demonstrate things to me that I was lacking in my home, most especially healthy social interraction and boundaries and proper bonding between children and parents. I also saw them being diligent in their lives overall, which I never saw at home, making sacrifices for their children and everyone's needs being important, and not just those of the one whose bottle or baggie was empty. I never saw anyone else's parents taking their children for walks to collect used cigarette butts to make rollies with...

Nearly every positive example of family life I have in my memory came from someone else's home, from the parents of other children who were willing to let me be there with them even though my parents were abusive.

I'm glad that you see the child as a separate person from her parents. There are lots of us around- grown people whose parents' behaviours would have completely isolated us from actually growing into healthy adults (with enormous amounts of personal work!!!) were it not for other parents whose hearts were open to the possibility that our potential was greater than the circumstances of our upbringings.

That little girl will benefit from your home. Let her parents deal with their own stuff, and of course, be bold in your decision to welcome their dd, and to keep your dd safely in your care, and never theirs.



ETA: My parents were aware that other parents wouldn't allow their children in our home, and it bewildered them. They didn't see the craziness of our home, and would often mock those parents for their 'over-protective-ness.'

As a child, the only thing that I was really bewildered about in that was that it didn't stop them from allowing me into those homes and that they didn't take such offense that I would be prevented from continuing; I guess something in them intuited the reasonable caution of those parents and in my parents' weakness, they may have even felt cared for in that- the strength of conviction and decisiveness of the other parents.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

ETA: If you haven't read Protecting the Gift, now is a good time to do so. I think the hardest ages to protect your kids are the ones where they start going off by themselves to friends' houses. You have to be able to trust the parents. If you can't, it's your job to be the "meanie".

Yes! I'm reading Protecting the Gift now.

[mamazee]

I would just tell her that her friend can play at your house when they play, and repeat as necessary. My house was the one kids weren't allowed to play at growing up (dad was a pretty hard core alcoholic and everyone knew it) and it wasn't until reading posts at MDC that I figured out that must have been when kids never played at my house. I was clueless. Just tell your dd that they can play at your house without going into details, and they'll stop asking and accept it soon enough. It'll be OK.

[SunshineJ]

Thank you for the replies and insights. The other parent I mentioned earlier and I were discussing this tonight. Not in a "let's talk about this person" gossipy way, but more what to do about the child and concern. We both agreed that in 10 years in her current environment with no other influence, we're pretty sure there's a good chance she's not going to be a positive influence on other children. But I also pointed out that coming to our houses may be just that other influence that makes a difference, and she agreed. She's certainly not a threat to our children in any way. Her main issue other that completely normal 5 yr old girl stuff (a little bossy and demanding - totally age appropriate!), is a separation issue. This poor child sobbed every morning when her mom dropped her off at school for TWO MONTHS!! Honestly, not knowing the family at all, I thought she had never been away from her mom in her life or and they were extremely close. Now though I realize that her mom has a strong tendency to drop her off with anyone she can find and show up "sometime later". After she's been here about an hour or two, or at other friends house about that long, she starts to freak out a little, cry, and want to see her mom. Once she see's mom come around, that she's there, then she's ok. Honestly it breaks my heart. So yeah, the issues aren't anything that are hard to deal with at all!

My friend and I did devise a few gentle but firm ideas on dealing with the family, so we'll find out how that works come summer. Neither of us are ready to give up on this little girl just yet! (But so help me if that strange neighbor lady of theirs shows up in my driveway randomly yelling at kids again I'm going to run her off!)

[PreggieUBA2C]

I posted above, but wanted to add that one of the families that made a huge impact on me is again in my life after we had apparently been missing one another for many years of attempts at reconnecting. The mum of my friend went back to school after I'd moved away, obtained a master of social work and has worked with youth since. She told me that I was the impetus for her to do that; she felt angry and helpless seeing me everyday and then sending me home.

Her daughter is still a beautiful human being and their relationship is so awesome. We talk now like no time has passed since I last saw them when I was 13 yrs old, but to all of our delights, I am not the product of my upbringing. They came into my life at just the most pivotal time, I think, and made all the difference in my world. The dad was a steady but very quiet presence, and still is.

My parents never once called or initiated any conversation with my friend's parents, even though my friends' parents had tried, which was one of their initial concerns. Who allows their child to spend every evening and nearly every weekend at someone else's house and doesn't ever ask to meet the family, or even speak to them? They had at least a phone relationship with every one of my friends' other friends' parents and always had, so this was just strange to them, and then they began to catch onto other things going on with me. Surprisingly, I must have been an amazing secret-keeper because they had no idea of my parent's addictions (until two years ago when I said it in passing, assuming they'd known all along), though they knew I was being abused emotionally and psychologically.

OP, yes, you may be the homes that make all the difference. How sad for that little girl that she is living that way. It's so far in some ways for me now, that it seems foreign and I am not often aware of it anymore as my life goes on. That's a very good thing (as long as things are personally dealt with and not just left as they were, of course) and she has that potential too!

[PreggieUBA2C]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled*

Thank you for sharing.

Glad to. Although I do wish I were the last person ever to have experienced what I did so that what I shared would be like nonsense or an alien language...

I have made that true in my home, though! Breaking chains is very hard, but ime, always better than just worth the work!